We’re at that point in the draft where we need to pay attention to our open positions. I expect… I expect nothing anymore. That last round broke me. It broke me. I’m going to just take in one round at a time, one round at a time.

T. Mike Childs selects Adam Sandler

There is no reason why Adam Sandler should be available in the sixth round. He’s a star, he was the people’s champion, and he has that nutcase sensibility that adds to the cast’s wackiness quotient. One of the bigger stars to come out of Saturday Night Live, and he’s available in the sixth.

What does T. Mike have to say about this?

Round 6: Already feeling foolish over Jackson, I switch gears and forgo picking another woman (Mistake two). To make myself feel better, I grab a big name I can’t believe is still on the table: Adam Sandler.

–T. Mike Childs

Well said. Looking at T. Mike’s roster, though, I can’t help but think that he thinks SNL was only in the mid-‘90s. Anyone else see that?

Jason Torchinsky selects Christopher Guest

Where was this pick last round?

Christopher Guest is one of my all-time favorites. His one season on SNL was a showcase of his hyper-real characters he’s famous for; I watched the short film he did with Billy Crystal about the Negro League players, and it was five years later before I realized it was Guest in the film with Crystal. That’s how good his characters are. Christopher Guest should work well with Phil Hartman, giving the cast two dedicated craftsmen.

Now if Jason can somehow get Billy Crystal in the seventh round, he’ll have a decent comedy duo and a lot of material to work with. I have a hunch that won’t happen. I hate when that happens (I know what you mean, it’s like the time I took a ball peen hammer and…).

Alan Benson selects A. Whitney Brown

I’m this close to punching someone in the neck.

When Jason picked Christopher Guest, Alan said a small swear word, because he was hoping to grab Guest and team him with Harry Shearer (from Round Five) and Michael McKean (who would be picked in a later round). Then he could have a “Spinal Tap” reunion. Nice thinking, Alan. That would have been sweet.

Since Jason drafted Guest, Alan said he was going to be a softie and go with an old favorite. I’m thinking Billy Crystal, maybe Garrett Morris, maybe Joe Piscopo… but A. Whitney Brown? Did he do ANYTHING ELSE but the “Big Picture” on Update? Oh, according to my research, he has a Bartles and Jaymes impression. How timely.

I’m getting the distinct impression that Alan thinks SNL is a 15-minute newsmagazine that starts at midnight.

Rob Terrell selects David Spade

Wow, this database Rob made is cold and calculating, but not good at reading his opponents.

David Spade was one of the more popular cast members of the early ‘90s. His “Hollywood Minute” was a staple of Weekend Update, and his last year he did nothing but “Spade in America.” He built a cottage industry around being snarky. He was definitely a fan favorite.

And yet, he wasn’t necessarily a Van Gogh-Gogh favorite. Two guys in this draft told me point-blank there was no way they’d draft David Spade. Rob probably could have waited two more rounds for Spade. He made the same mistake with Chris Kattan, I think.

I’m not going to complain about it too much; I’m just going to reap the benefits.

Charles Rempel selects Darrell Hammond

Twelve seasons and 87 impressions. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present the true unsung hero of Saturday Night Live: Darrell Hammond. How did we forget about him? Maybe because he’s only been on SNL for 37.5% OF THE ENTIRE RUN OF THE SHOW! That’s just amazing.

He is the king of impersonations at SNL. I bet the writers come up with a sketch idea that needs a good impression. They go ask the other cast members if they can do the impression, just to be fair, and then they call Hammond. Darrell listens to the idea, nods, grabs a wig out of a box and nails the impression.

I was hoping like crazy that Hammond would be around until now. My cast has its uber-impressionist now, and a solid hard-working character actor to boot. I am now going to turn on some music and dance. You can’t hear that I’m playing the Bee Gees, can you? Good. That would be embarrassing if you could.

Galen Black selects Billy Crystal

I think this pick rooks mahvelous. Absolutely mahvelous.

Did you know Billy Crystal was supposed to perform stand-up on the very first episode of Saturday Night Live, but got cut for time restraints? And roughly a decade later, he comes back as the headliner. He has the big impressions, the wacky characters, and he even got to host a show, the SNL Film Festival, that year. He was on top of the comedy hill then.

And now? He passed over until the end of the sixth round. It’s criminal, I tells ya!

Galen lets us in on the secret of drafting Crystal:

I waited patiently for the snake draft to snake back to me and at the end of the 6th round I was very surprised to see Billy Crystal still available. I think we all forget how funny he was on Saturday Night Live. He was only there a year, but he did for Sammy Davis, Jr. what Piscopo did for Sinatra.

–Galen Black

This pick goes a long way in helping shore up holes in Galen’s cast. Billy Crystal complements Belushi’s style (and to think, they could have shared the stage on that first show).

Round Six recap

It was better than the fifth round that’s for sure.

This round saw a lot of the overlooked “big names” get snagged up in a hurry. Sandler, Spade and Crystal would have been picked by now if any other comedy collective were doing this draft. That’s not how the Van Gogh-Goghs roll.

Two glue-types (Christopher Guest and Darrell Hammond) got picked right about when they should, in the middle rounds after the stars are gone. The fact that Jason made one of the picks makes me think he drank a little of that Jekyll-and-Hyde potion he keeps in an old Coke can by his computer.

Of course, it wouldn’t have been a complete round without a head-scratcher, right? A. Whitney Brown? Seriously?

I mean, you’re on my side, right? There’s no way Brown should be drafted, right? Send us a comment, and let us know how this round turned out for you.

Three rounds down, seven to go. There’s a nervous tension in the air. Most of us are now scared to death that we’re going to forget someone, like we did with Dan Aykroyd. I believe the boys at Jason’s house just had a shot of Southern Comfort, so let’s give the booze a second to settle before we proceed.

There have only been two women chosen for our casts so far; I don’t know if that says something about the Van Gogh-Goghs or Saturday Night Live. I’m putting the onus (I said “onus,” get your mind out of the gutter) on SNL. It’s been easier for men to break out on the show than women. I don’t think you could really argue against that. Thus, our picking is based on the SNL ability, and not gender, of the cast. Except, of course, for Galen’s Top Chick Gambit. At least his gambit is better than Jason’s King-Doofus Gambit.

I think the alcohol is down and down smoooooth. Let’s begin. T. Mike, you’re on the clock.

T. Mike Childs selects Norm MacDonald (news anchor)

The third newscaster to go in this draft is, and I believe I’m using the term correctly, a “hoot.” MacDonald’s on the short list of the great anchors, no question about it. He added his unique take to the news, unlike so many of the others who read the news in a manner more suitable to late-night news in Charlotte than Studio 8-H. Did you know he’s Chevy Chase’s favorite newscaster (besides himself)? I just learned that myself. Chase said Norm’s the only other one to get it right.

T. Mike had a thought or two about this pick:

My next move? While figuring most folks will still be angling for hot actors, grab my news anchor at the top of round 3. Sometimes I ONLY used to watch SNL for the news! So I appreciate having a good anchor; it’s vital- that’s a weekly bit, a solid 15-20 minutes of the show. So I want the best: Dennis Miller. Yes, yes, yes, he became a horrible parody of himself, but AFTER he left SNL. He was at his snarkiest best doing the SNL news. Well, Alan thought so too, and got him first! Bastard! Time to punt again. But who? Steal the second best snarker from Galen’s list: Norm MacDonald. Like Miller, he’s useless as a sketch actor, but brilliant being himself on the news.

–T. Mike Childs

Still not sold on MacDonald? Consider his most famous theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff. Seems goofy, a little throwaway gag that he never threw away, right? Well, in the 2006 NBA playoffs, German-born Dirk Nowitzki of the Dallas Mavericks won two games in a row with clutch free-throw shooting. When reporters asked him how he was able to focus in such a pressure-filled time, Nowitzki said he relaxes by singing to himself. The song? “Looking for Freedom” by David Hasselhoff. Dismiss Norm MacDonald at your own peril.

Jason Torchinsky selects Martin Short

Martin Short was one of the hired guns of 1984, having already made his mark with Second City’s SCTV. He was only at SNL for one season, but what a season! Ed Grimley was huge, but I was always partial to Jackie Rogers, Jr. If you haven’t seen the “Male Synchronized Swimming” film with Harry Shearer, you might want to do it today; it’s one of the questions they ask you when you’re trying to get into heaven.

Short has that manic energy and precise comic timing that makes his characters connect with the audience (especially if the audience is filled with knuckleheads who have put “writing a summary of a Saturday Night Live fantasy draft” above “sleep” in their to-do lists).

I do find it interesting that Martin Short is picked before Billy Crystal, who was the headliner of that season. Is this a case of reflection, or revisionist history, or just that it’s Jason drafting and who knows what he’s thinking? Inquiring minds want to know.

Alan Benson selects Laraine Newman

An interesting choice to me. Laraine Newman is a talented actress, no question about it, but she never made that mark for her at Saturday Night Live. In her cast, Gilda had the animated characters, Jane Curtin had the prim-and-proper, mothers-and-authority-figures-and-newscaster niche carved out for her, and Laraine was there to… to play the third woman in a sketch? I mean, I can’t think of any recurring character for her, but I can for everyone else in her cast. Using just Saturday Night Live as our guide, I would have passed on her in favor of the Oteris and Shannons and Dratches of the world.

Of course, I could just be an idiot. Alan will now tell us all about Laraine:

Like the last round (Dan Aykroyd), I was kind of surprised to see Laraine Newman available. I mean, she was an original cast member! A Conehead! Featured in the October 1978 Marvel Team-Up! Plus, with both her and Dan Aykroyd in the cast, I could revive the “E. Buzz Miller and Christie Christina” sketches, featuring characters I don’t remember at all!

Honestly, I picked Laraine Newman because she exemplified the ethos of the SNL talented lesser-known. She hustled for the parts she got. Rather than relying on big characters, she cranked out minor parts to support other folks. She was a team player, and goddamit, that’s gotta count for something. For what is America but a team — a team of freedom-loving people, come together in harmony, overlooking our differences for the good of the whole community.

Oh wait, she was in that bigoted Bel-Airabs sketch, wasn’t she? OK, scratch the above.

–Alan Benson

Sure seems plausible enough, doesn’t it? I had put Newman further down my list, just because of her lesser-known original cast ethos mumbo jumbo walla walla bing bang bullshit Alan is talking about. I think Alan is becoming a crotchety old man, thinking that old is good and new is bad. Then again, my most recent cast member so far is Jon Lovitz. Hmm, I better check myself before I wreck myself.

While we’re talking about Laraine Newman, does anyone else remember her show “Canned Film Festival”? She ran a movie theater, and people came by to watch bad movies. It was more in the Elvira vein than Mystery Science Theater 3000. Anyway, all I can remember about the show was one night they showed “The Terror of Tiny Town,” a western done by little people. At one of the breaks, one of the male theater patrons leans forward and begins to badger the man in front of him if he ever wanted to “give a midget a bath.” Yep, there’s another clue into the mystery of “Why My Brains Thinks Weird Things.” Thanks, Laraine.

Rob Terrell selects Chevy Chase

Rob’s database must really like Chevy Chase. When Rob picked Chevy as his Update anchor in Round One, we made it clear that he couldn’t use Newscaster Chase in the sketch portion of his show. Rob’s pick has prevented the Chevy Split (newscaster on one cast, actor on another cast) that I was secretly hoping for.

Chevy was the first star, albeit short-lived. He was only on SNL for a little over a year; in fact, he’s almost been a guest on the show as many times as he was a cast member on the show! The only question is: will the kids of today still find Gerald Ford sexy? Maybe another question should be: did the kids of the late-‘70s find Gerald Ford sexy? And if I may follow up: if they did, does that make you a little queasy? Because it does to me. Well, something is making me queasy. Maybe it’s all these enchiladas I had for lunch.

Charles Rempel selects Nora Dunn

I’ll take Nora Dunn for the block.

There’s no way I was going to let the Sweeney Sisters fall into Galen’s lap, but that’s not the only reason I selected Nora Dunn. Her five years on SNL gave us several solid lead characters (Pat Stevens, anyone?) and impressions (her Martina Navratilova can still crack me up).

Plus, you got to like someone who sticks to her convictions, right? Dunn sat out the Andrew Dice Clay episode, deciding it was better to sit out in protest than to perform and implicitly support misogyny. Nora Dunn’s a talented actress who won’t back down from a fight and who won’t resign herself to play fourth fiddle in this cast.

And did I mention I figured out Galen was going to pick Dunn next and I’m snatching her away? It’s worth mentioning again.

Galen Black selects Tina Fey (news anchor)

Straight from Galen’s mouth to my email:

Your Nora Dunn steal still has me steamed. I knew it was a long shot, but I had her in my sights as round 4 was coming to an end and then I got the Rempel wammy. Damn you, REMPEL!

–Galen Black

See? I got him! I got him pegged! I can read you like a cheap novel, be-OTCH!

So with Nora Dunn gone, Galen decides to seat Tina Fey in the Update anchor chair. Last year, Fey became the longest-running anchor at SNL, with 117 episodes (six more than Dennis Miller and almost forty episodes more than Jimmy Fallon and Jane Curtin). Fey teamed with Jimmy Fallon to replace that mumblemouth Colin Quinn in 2000 and, when Fallon figured he was a big star who was going to make kajillions of dollars making movies (good luck with that, Jimbo), Fey took another lover, I mean “co-anchor,” in the form of Amy Poehler.

I liked Tina Fey’s delivery and timing. She may be my favorite newscaster, or at least right there with Dennis Miller. It’s a good pick, and it keeps the Top Chick Gambit alive.

Round Four recap

The run on female cast members has officially begun, with three selected in this round. My guess is that the three Van Gogh-Goghs who haven’t selected a woman yet (Rob, Jason and T. Mike) will rush to do so in the next two rounds.

Newscasters were also popular this round, with MacDonald and Fey joining Chase and Miller in the newsroom. That leaves only Jason and me left to name our Update anchor. I plan on waiting, since I’m pretty sure I’m going to be left with a quality anchor in the low rounds.

As for predictions for Round Five? I’ll say I think two (maybe three) more women are picked, and look for big names to go like Adam Sandler, Billy Crystal and David Spade. Don’t quote me on it, though, because I’d have a better chance to predict volcano eruptions and earthquakes than to predict our draft outcome.

With two rounds in the books already, the major stars have been claimed. Now it’s time to find the remaining gems. Personally, I just hope we can get through one round without some knucklehead move. Will this be the round? Probably not, but let’s start it and see.

Galen Black selects Jan Hooks

Okay, methinks Galen has a strategy. He’s out to get all the top women for his cast. He got Gilda in the second, and now he’s selected Jan Hooks. I’ve always thought Hooks was one of the unsung stars, and she had some great characters; I had thought of getting Jan myself because of her work as the Sweeney Sisters and…

AH HA! That’s it! That’s his next pick! Nora Dunn! He’s going for the Sweeney Sisters and will get all the best actresses he can! He’s going for the Top Chick Gambit!

That’s not going to happen. As the sole Van Gogh-Gogh with fantasy sports experience, let me take a moment to drop a little fantasy draft tip: know your position, use your position. Galen’s spot in the draft allows him to select two people at a time. Why then would he tip his hand by picking only one member of a comedy duo? Use your position wisely. Galen didn’t, and if no one else beats me to it, I will destroy your Sweeney Sisters! Moo ha ha ha! (Note to the Van Gogh-Goghs: we need to perform the Legion of Doom Learning Annex sketch again. It’s gold! This time, though, I want to be Lex Luthor. Hey, you think anyone else reads this blog besides us?)

Charles Rempel selects Jon Lovitz

Like Eddie Murphy is his day, Jon Lovitz should be credited for saving SNL. In the season that everyone I know calls “The Anthony Michael Hall Year,” the show was dismal and spiraling down the crapper. If it weren’t for a disheveled genius with a penchant for catchphrases, Saturday Night Live would have been toast. Jon Lovitz single-handedly saved SNL and with it America, as well as impregnating his wife, Morgan Fairchild. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

Sure, you see the Subway ads today and you think Lovitz is washed up. That may or may not be true, but for those golden years, he was the king of the sketch comedy world. His comic ability, to me, is perfectly suited for the SNL format. In fact, the show doesn’t currently have a superstar, and Lovitz is in the midst of career lull. I say we bring Jon Lovitz back!

Hey, wait a minute, has Dan Aykroyd been picked yet?

Rob Terrell selects Chris Kattan

Okay, Aykroyd must have been picked already.

Chris Kattan was a quality second-banana to Will Ferrell, and could he have more recurring characters? Seriously! It’s Mango and Mr. Peepers and the Goth kid and on and on! Kattan’s a perfect sidekick to Ferrell; their sizes, looks and comic stylings complement each other nicely. Oh, and Rob’s got both of the Roxbury guys now. So Rob and your precious science, if the Roxbury guys do it for ya, you’re liking this cast!

Let me toss out a second fantasy draft tip: know your opponents. I don’t care how high Kattan ranks in the system, Rob has to know that based on personal preferences, none of us would have picked Chris Kattan in the first five rounds. Some of us have certain strategies (see Galen) and some of us can’t stand him (see T. Mike), so why spend a high pick on someone you could get with a lower pick? It’s just not a smart value play.

Alan Benson selects Dan Aykroyd

Crap! Crap crap crap! CRAP!

Boy, did I drop the ball on that. Well, on second thought, I’m pretty happy with Lovitz. Galen dropped the ball. He could have had the Blues Brothers! How is Dan Aykroyd even available now? Oh yeah, Jason picked Chris Elliott.

Alan will now tell you why he’s as excited as a fanboy at ComicCon:

OK, I could come up with some big explanation about how Aykroyd was the hidden gem of the first cast, about how his greatest characters–my favorite being Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute–never got as much attention as Belushi’s. But hell, it’s Dan Aykroyd. It’s the third round, and Beldar was still in play. Hell yes I picked him.

But yeah. Aykroyd as hidden gem. Aykroyd the unknown. Whoo.

–Alan Benson

It’s the steal of the draft so far. A Conehead, a Blues Brother, a Festrunk Brother falling from the sky, right into Alan’s lap. Plus, Aykroyd only makes Alan’s Weekend Update segment stronger, while some of us have yet to consider picking a newscaster. Looks like Alan has turned this cast around.

I wonder how Jason is going to screw this up.

Jason Torchinsky selects Chris Rock

Not a bad pick. Heck, considering his last selection, this may be the greatest pick in the draft. I mean, Rock’s got Nat X and Just Chillin’ to work with, at least.

Some may point out that Chris Rock has had his greater success away from Saturday Night Live than he did on the show. That’s totally true. And it’s also true that his SNL resume is a little weaker than other actors still waiting to be picked. However, Chris Rock has a style and voice that differs from the white-bread SNL majority, and as long as his talent is used correctly (not just as the token black guy), he’s an asset to any of our casts.

Then again, I don’t know. I’m just a little light-headed right now. I half-expected Jason to pick Fred Wolf in this round.

T. Mike Childs selects Chris Farley

When Chris Farley is mentioned, I can’t help but immediately think of his Chippendale’s sketch with Patrick Swayze. Is there anybody else on this cast with a defining moment like that, and right at the beginning of his career? I’m hard-pressed to find another. Probably the closest is Andy Samberg with “Lazy Sunday,” but it’s still second to that flap-flapping blubber.

T. Mike is downplaying the selection. Says T. Mike:

Belushi and Lovitz are gone. I needs me a fat man! – Chris Farley, who easily outweighs both. Gotta have a good fat man for a good SNL cast.

–T. Mike Childs

Sure, he always played the fat guy. Sure, we saw too much of his ass in that flying saucer sketch during the Deion Sanders shows. Yet every time I tell someone that “I live in a van down by the river” (a la Matt Foley), I can’t help but smile. Farley’s a good addition to Mike Myers and Dana Carvey; it looks like it’s 1990 all over again.

Round Three recap
Half the actors picked in the third round were named Chris. Does that just freak your shit out? I didn’t think so.

Not a bad round by the Van Gogh-Goghs. Sure, we let Aykroyd slip farther than he should, and Kattan and Rock were both picked a little early for my taste, but this was the first round where we all actually looked like we knew what we’re doing.

I love my cast of Murphy, Murray and Lovitz. Galen’s the only one of us to select any women yet, and he’s picked two. Jason and Alan are slowly gaining respectability again. It’s still anyone’s game to win.

Or is it? Do you see a clear leader? Does one of the teams have a fatal flaw this early in the process? Who should go in the next round? I’m guaranteeing that Nora Dunn will, but who are the best remaining players? Drop us a comment and let us know.

With the first round complete, it’s time for the six of us to head into the second round. It’s just what you do in drafts. It’s time to find the best actor available to team with our (supposedly) solid first pick. Since it’s a snake draft, we reverse the order. T. Mike, you’re up again.

T. Mike Childs selects Dana Carvey

You could see this coming a mile away. In fact, I think I called it when he picked Mike Myers. Now his cast can perform ‘Wayne’s World” every week if it wants.

T. Mike gives his opinion on the pick:

Given the blessing/curse of the snake draft, and having the last pick of the first and first of the second, I realized I could grab a team. I planned for Murphy/Piscopo, because no matter how bad Piscopo bombed in Hollywood, or how much you hated Daddy Day Care, Murphy and Piscopo were on FIRE on SNL in the early ‘80s, and could do no wrong.

Well, Rempel sunk my battleship, nabbing Murphy. No point in getting Piscopo alone, that’s for sure. I thought I had a shot at it, thinking most folks would be grabbing the original Not Ready for Prime Time Players, or the latest hot current peeps in round one. Oh well. My backup plan was shot, too: Belushi/Aykroyd. Galen snagged Belushi with the first pick. Time to fall back and punt: Mike Myers and Dana Carvey! Solid team great chemistry, work great together. I’m satisfied.

–T. Mike Childs

Oh, where to begin. T. Mike, if you think you were going to get Belushi or Murphy with the sixth overall pick, you must be drunk. If even one of those guys fell to you, I would have demanded a re-draft. As for your assertion that Myers/Carvey is a punt, I think you severely underestimate what you have.

Dana Carvey is one of the most popular and gifted impressionists in the history of SNL. Remember when I brought up how Myers was a genius at creating characters? Carvey is just as much a genius. Church Lady and Derek “Choppin’ Broccoli” Stevens , to name but two. Also, his impersonations always had that spark, that lively humor that could draw in the crowd.

My prediction for the later rounds has T. Mike snagging Kevin Nealon at the end of the draft, to reunite Hans with Franz (or is it Franz with Hans?). He has a great foundation for a potent cast.

Okay, let’s see who Jason picks to team up with Phil Hartman. Jason?

Jason Torchinsky selects Chris Elliott

(spit take)

I must have misread that. Let me look at that again.

Jason Torchinsky selects Chris Elliott

(double spit take)

Is that right? That can’t be right. Is that right? Let me look once again.

Jason Torchinsky selects Chris Elliott

(triple spit take, followed by fart)

Alan, I apologize to you about what I said about your Al Franken pick. At least Franken had a decent career at SNL. This is the worst pick of the draft so far. Terrible. This is taking a man-crush one step too far, in my opinion.

Look, I think Chris Elliott was hilarious on “Letterman,” and I love love love his brilliant sitcom “Get a Life,” and the first time I saw “Cabin Boy” I thought it was one of the funniest movies of the year (an opinion that changed the second time I saw it, curiously enough). However, in the days leading up to this draft, I stressed the point that the actors must be judged based on their career at SNL, and Chris Elliott had no career at SNL. He adds nothing to your cast, and to pick him in the second round (when no one else would even draft him in ten rounds) is the dumbest thing to ever happen in the 21st century.

And that’s saying a lot.

Will Ferrell is still out there. So is Gilda Radner. And Dan Aykroyd. And Jon Lovitz. And Chris Farley. Hell, Tim Meadows is still out there. You put a thousand monkeys in an Internet café, and ask them to participate in this draft, and all one thousand of them would make this pick. Why? BECAUSE MONKEYS ARE STUPID AND DON’T WATCH AS MUCH TV AS US! Sheesh!

I do thank you for passing on Will Ferrell, though. Two more picks to go and he’s mine.

Alan Benson selects Dennis Miller (news anchor)

Now that’s more like it, Mr. Benson. Why don’t you tell us why you went with Miller?

Alan Benson wants you to know:

Hey, remember all that stuff I said about looking for diamonds in the comedy rough and hidden treasures and hot chicks who are sexually aroused by the idea of six nerds sitting around AIM-ing one another fantasy SNL casts? Well it all still applies (especially the last — please contact VGG HQ immediately if the description fits).

“But, but,” you say. “But, but Dennis Miller isn’t an SNL unknown, hidden treasure, whatever. He’s probably the best-known modern newscaster. His run on the show was phenomenally successful, and it launched his later career as a professional smarty-pants. Also, I too like hot chicks turned on by AIM, will you share the names.”

To which I answer, no. Get your own hot chicks. We don’t even know if there are any hot chicks turned on by us. If any do exist, we will definitely want all of them to ourselves. And you know what we’ll want them for! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ho ha. (Jason, what do we want them for? Really? REALLY? Yuck. I’m telling mom you said the p word.)

Anyway, yes, Dennis Miller is an SNL powerhouse. Yet he was, at one point, a hungry unknown. Do you remember who did the news the season before he started? Of course not! I think they just scrounged up some grip to read a couple of “wacky” headlines, then cut to another hi-larious commercial parody. Miller changed all that, turning what was a relatively dull comic fixture into something funny. (The fact that one of his partners in comedy was my sixth pick is just icing on the cake. Mmm cake. Hot chicks and cake. Lord-a-mercy.)

So even though Miller turned out to be a big winner, I still chose him for my team of underrecognized heroes. That’s my pick, and I am outta here.

–Alan Benson

For the record, I do know who did the news the season before Dennis Miller. It was Christopher Guest. I don’t know if that says too much about me, but I know it was Guest. Anyway, now Alan has his Weekend Update desk filled, and his pick of Al Franken looks a little stronger when considering his commentaries on Update. Alan’s cast so far is the only one that could feel at home during Saturday night comedy or Sunday morning political talk shows. Not that we should take that into consideration. It’s just interesting, isn’t it?

What’s more interesting to me is that one more person has bypassed Will Ferrell. Now let’s let that idiot Rob and his database hurry up and select someone so I can pick me some Ferrell.

Rob Terrell selects Will Ferrell

Shit. Rob blind-sided me with science.

When you look back at the highlight reel of the past ten years of SNL, it will start with Will Ferrell, it will end with Will Ferrell, and all through the middle, there will be Will Ferrell. He’s the only cast member in the past decade who can rival the popularity of the past legends.

To be totally honest, I thought he was terrible the first time I saw him perform on the show. A couple of years later, I begrudgingly called him a star. Now, I realize the gi-normity of his SNL legacy, and I fully support his ascension to the top of the class. Yet sadly, he was plucked one spot before the promised land.

Well played, Rob Terrell. Well played.

Charles Rempel selects Bill Murray

Okay, okay, time to regroup. Rob’s Ferrell pick surprised me. Maybe his scientific approach has some merit. Maybe he misread the last name and thought he was drafting his long, lost cousin Will Terrell. Maybe he just got lucky. Any way you look at it, it was close but no ceeegar for my planned Murphy-Ferrell powerhouse.

But there are still some big names on the board right now. Bill Murray’s the man, alright, but there’s also Gilda Radner available, and whomever I don’t pick will be Galen’s next pick, guaranteed. Which one would I be more upset to lose? That answer is easy: welcome Bill Murray to the cast!

In the end, it comes down to happiness, and I’m ecstatic that the Great Bill Murray is in my cast. Actually, in the end, it comes down to screwing over your friends, and I’m ecstatic that the Great Bill Murray got picked right before Galen had a chance to get him. Shed a tear, suckah, cuz you’re getting’ Ferrelled!

You know, Ferrelled! Like, when rob picked Will Ferrell right before I could? And I’m doing the same to you? Only with Bill Murray? Should I stop typing now? Maybe I should.

Galen Black selects Gilda Radner

We’re made it to the 12th overall pick before the first woman is selected, so what better selection than the First Lady of Saturday Night Live? (Here’s a little SNL trivia nugget for you: Gilda was the first actor selected for the first SNL cast. So, back in the day of the first SNL draft, she was the #1 overall pick!)

You know you’re big when you’ve got one-name status, right? Sure, it helps to have a more unusual name (I got my work cut out for me to be universally known as Charles. Maybe I should focus on just Rempel?), but Gilda earned that status. She’s arguably the only woman on SNL (which isn’t always the easiest place for women to shine) to hold her own, to have as much success and popularity as her male castmates (and considering her fellow actors included Belushi, Aykroyd and Murray, that’s saying a lot).

Gilda gives Galen’s cast a strong anchor to the three-women requirement, plus gives an added bonus to his Weekend Update crew with her many characters’ commentaries. Strong pick, very smart. How Galen knew to do that, I’ll never know.

Round Two recap

Two rounds in the books now, and we can finally see the casts taking shape.

T. Mike has the solid Myers-Carvey duo, with plenty of material already at hand. Galen’s Belushi-Gilda combo is kickin’ it old-school, and will be a formidable cast to confront. Rob has a solid lead in Ferrell and a star in the anchor chair with Chevy, so I’m getting very curious about this scientific method of his.

Alan has a strong Update anchor with Miller, but his pick of Franken still has me scratching my head; he’ll need to make some clever picks in the next rounds to stay competitive. Jason has Phil Hartman and a piece of driftwood in his cast. Good job, yutz.

As for me, I can’t complain. With Eddie Murphy and Bill Murray, I daresay I have the strongest twosome in the group. Doubt me? Well, according to the all-mighty Wikipedia, former SNL writer Margaret Humphert has said Eddie Murphy and Bill Murray are the two most talented people in the history of the show. That’s right, Margaret Humphert said it. Who am I to doubt Margaret Humphert?

Disagree with my assessment so far? Can you justify Chris Elliott as a second-round pick, using only his SNL career as evidence? Post a comment and tell us what you think.

The day of the draft is upon us. Well, factually, that’s incorrect. We held the draft days ago. We’re just now getting to post the round-by-round synopses. Every day this week, we here at vgg.com will post two rounds of the draft, with most of the analysis in the form of my thoughts (where me = Charles) during the draft, and added details given by the other Van Gogh-Goghs about their thoughts at the time. We could post all the rounds at one time, but (1) it would be way too long to read at one viewing, and (2) although we’re comedians, we love the drama. It’s that two-faced-Janus thing, you know, and if you learn but one thing about the Van Gogh-Goghs, it’s that we’re two-faced. Wait, that came out wrong.

Without further ado, let’s begin the Van Gogh-Gogh’s Fantasy SNL League Draft! Galen Black, you’re first to act.

Galen Black selects John Belushi

I kept close tabs on Galen the week before the draft, trying to get him to tip his hand on who the #1 overall pick would be. Naturally, with the second overall pick, I was very curious who would fall my way. After a barrage of browbeating, I got him to narrow his choice to three people: Belushi, Eddie Murphy and Bill Murray. I’m a Bill Murray fan, just like the next guy, but I’d put Will Ferrell ahead of Murray (and in fact I did). That’s just me, though. Anyway, Galen said he was going with his head and not his heart and he selected Belushi. A solid pick, to be sure, and very safe. You can’t go wrong with a personality like Belushi, right?

John Belushi (and we did make sure he meant John, not Jim) gives Galen a powerhouse personality and charismatic frontman. A strong go-to guy who is dedicated to his characters and his craft. In short, an excellent start to a cast. In the later rounds, I look for Galen to go for Dan Aykroyd (to get the Blues Brothers) and possibly Jim Belushi (to get the Belushi Brothers (you can never have too many brothers, right?)).

Meanwhile, I’d dancing a jig in the ballroom of my Fortress of Happy Happy, because…

Charles Rempel selects Eddie Murphy

Let Galen take a samurai. I’ll take the man who saved Saturday Night Live.

The show was dead. Well, it was nearly dead, until Eddie Murphy stepped to center stage. Hell, if it weren’t for Eddie Murphy, we wouldn’t be holding an SNL fantasy draft. Who would hold a draft for a show that only lasted six seasons? We would have ended up holding a “7th Heaven” fantasy draft and we’d all be fighting over Katie Holmes or Pierce Brosnan or whoever is on that show. Am I right?

Eddie in his prime (and his prime was the SNL years and that’s all we care about, you dig?) could make a turd-covered rock laugh. You know, because rocks are hard and no one, not even rocks, is happy when one is covered in turds… okay, scratch that. Murphy is the star in this world of stars. A little Buckwheat, a little Mr. Robinson, a little Gumby (dammit), and you’re laughing and laughing and just when you think you can’t take any more, a little Stevie Wonder and a little Velvet Jones and a little James Brown Celebrity Hot Tub Party, and now you’re laughing so hard you’re wondering if the grocery store will deliver Depends adult diapers to your house, and then…

Dark and lonely on a summer night
Kill my landlord, kill my landlord
Watchdog barking… do he bite?
Kill my landlord, kill my landlord
Slip in his window, break his neck
Then his house I start to wreck
Got no reason… what the heck?
Kill my landlord, kill my landlord
C-I-L-L my landlord

Do I need to say more?

So here’s the plan: I think there’s a good chance that the other guys will let Will Ferrell slip to me in the second round, which would be sweet. I will try to get Joe Piscopo in a later round; Murphy and Piscopo have a great history together, they owned SNL in the early years, and so the cast would have a lot to work with. My secret play, though, is Tracy Morgan. I think Murphy and Morgan would be a great duo; I can see an “urban” Festrunk Brothers with those two. Don’t tell anyone, though. That’s my secret play. Let’s not mention Morgan again until then, okay?

But enough about me. Rob, you got something to say?

Rob Terrell selects Chevy Chase (news anchor)

For days, Rob has been talking about using science to find the perfect SNL cast. When pressed, all he will say is his database will lead the way. I guess his database gives lots of credit to the Weekend Update desk. The Los Angeles Times’ Scott Collins writes in his “Channel Island” blog about the declining value of Weekend Update in a Daily Show world, and it’s a convincing piece. With regards to this draft, I feel there are enough quality newscasters that I don’t need to spend a high draft pick on one. Rob and his science, however, seem to disagree.

If you have to get a newscaster in the first round, you might as well take the one that all others are measured against. Chevy Chase made the Weekend Update anchor chair his ticket to the big time, and became to first superstar of the Saturday Night Live era. Now just remember that Rob drafted Chase as newscaster, so he can’t use him in sketches unless he drafts Chevy as an actor as well. As for what I look for Rob to do in the future rounds, I don’t know. If he’s building his cast around Update, he may pick people based on their commentaries, like Gilda Radner or Dan Aykroyd (although I’d bet they would both be gone by his next pick).

But it’s early in the draft, and this is still a six-man competition. Anything can happen.

Alan Benson selects Al Franken

I guess it’s now a five-man competition.

Al Franken? AL FRANKEN?!? Alan, you’re telling us that Al Franken’s the fourth best cast member of SNL? Or even that he’s in the top ten? Wha… how… but… uh…

I’m at a total loss to explain this. Let’s ask Alan to tell us why Franken got the nod. Oh, Alan?

Alan Explains It All: Round One

A lot of people are going to be scratching their heads at this one. I mean, with all the great performers still available, why pick Franken? Think of all the great bits, all the memorable catchphrases that I passed over to throw in with Franken. I turned down “You Rook Mahvelous” and “Isn’t That Special” for “I declare the ’70s the Al Franken Decade” and “That’s why I wear the bow tie.” What the hell was I thinking, you’re thinking.

There is a method to the madness. For me, SNL was never about the big recurring characters. Sure, I loved Tommy Flanagan, the Land Shark, Church Lady, and the Sweeney Sisters as much as the next guy. OK, not the Sweeney Sisters. But my point remains: I liked the popular characters, too. But as it says quite clearly in the Bible (Zephredes 21:19, I believe), “Man cannot live by catchphrase alone. It is only through minor characters he will achieve true viewing satisfaction.”

And so, for my picks, I chose a crew of lesser-known talents. Some of these folks went on to bigger and better things. Others peaked on SNL. But all of them served a vital purpose in a 90-minute show: they gave us something to look at while we waited for Weekend Update.

(Charles…please edit out that last bit when you put this online. Make it more inspirational. Something like “in their also-ran-ness, they taught us the true meaning of Christmas,” or some shit like that. Anything to explain away the pile of dead wood I picked.)

My desire to spotlight these unsung heroes led me to choose one of the least-recognized talents in SNL history. Al Franken and his partner Tom Davis were primarily writers on the show. (In fact, since they were hired for one spot, they had to share a single chair and desk.) When Al acted, it was usually as a bit character. He had a few big roles, but mainly he was the guy who only walked on stage to say “sir, ma’am, your table is ready.” He was me, in other words. A shorter, Jewisher, funnier, much more successful, much more likable, much more handsome…hold on, I have to call my therapist.

OK, I’m back. I chose Al Franken largely because of his Weekend Update pieces, which were smart, funny, and not based on a single personality trait or characteristic done ad nauseum (Sandler, I’m looking at you!). I mean, that kind of repetitive humor is funny, but wouldn’t you rather have comedy that makes you laugh…and think?

No, of course not. Which is why Al Franken is captain of my underappreciated SNL squad. And that’s why I chose him in round one.

–Alan Benson

I guess we’ll see if Stuart Smalley saves the cast, huh, Alan? If nothing else, this pick has made this draft a lot more relaxing for the rest of us. We can’t screw up THIS bad, right? Maybe I should wait and ask that question later. As for later rounds for Alan, it’s anyone’s guess, but I could see him going for Janeane Garofalo, just to grab the coveted Air America radio audience. That and I think he had a crush on Garofalo.

Jason Torchinsky selects Phil Hartman

I love this pick. Love it.

Phil Hartman was the glue that kept SNL together. He was the cast member everyone loves and respected and wanted to work with. He performed the same whether the role was the lead or a throwaway; he put everything he could into every character, every impression, every second of screen time. Right now, I’m thinking of the “Sinatra Group” sketch and laughing about the “chunks of guys like you in my stool” line. I think that every Van Gogh-Gogh would give one of T. Mike’s kidneys to have the talent that Phil Hartman had. Heck, I’d give both of T. Mike’s kidneys. But that’s just me. I’m a giver.

Plus, I bet Galen $5 that Hartman would be picked in the first round. Paging Mr. Lincoln, your table is ready at Chez My Wallet!

Where does Jason go from here? Since he has possibly the most versatile cast member, he has a lot of great options available. If I were Jason, I would try to claim Darrell Hammond in middle round; that would prevent every other cast from performing Bill Clinton impersonations.

T. Mike Childs selects Mike Myers

Another great pick. Mike Myers is one of the best at SNL at creating hit characters. Wayne Campbell alone would make a nice career, but add Dieter and Linda Richman and Lothar and Lank Thompson and the Scottish crap guy and Da Bears guy and that hyper hypo kid, and you have sketch comedy gold. Now that I think about it, I think a case could be made for Myers to be the #1 overall pick. T. Mike has to be happy with getting Myers.

The obvious play would be to select Dana Carvey right now (since T. Mike has the first pick in the second round) and secure the “Wayne’s World” franchise, but it’s hard to predict Mr. Childs. Galen’s convinced that T. Mike will go for original cast members next. We’ll see.

Round One recap

I thought we’d have one surprise in the first round and, in my mind, we got two. Belushi, Murphy, Hartman and Myers were predictable picks for the first round; the four of them would be stars on SNL no matter which cast they were on. I thought Chevy Chase as a newscaster was a little early, but that may be an undervaluing of Weekend Update on my part. Al Franken still blows my mind. A lot of great talent (Aykroyd, Radner, Murray, Carvey, and Ferrell) is still on the board. I predict those are the next five to go. As for who has the upper hand right now, it’s too hard to say. Let’s save that judgment until after the second round, which is coming up next.

I remember exactly where I was when I first heard the news that Buckwheat had been shot. I didn’t know then how it would shape my identity, that it would affect changes in me like so many of the Baby Boomers after the Kennedy assassinations, that it would actually lead me into a different path in life. All I knew then was that the show I was watching was live from New York, and it’s was on Saturday night. And it was funny.

“Saturday Night Live” showed me the viability of sketch comedy as an art form, introduced me to new actors that quickly became favorites of mine, even pushed me into this here sketch comedy group (well, we’re more of a comedy collective now, but I bet we still have a performance or two left in us). Mind you, the show can’t take all the credit (or blame, depending on which side you’re on) for my decision to pursue sketch comedy (there’s a thing called Monty Python and a thing called Spinal Tap, but that’s for another time), but it was definitely the first to make me think how great it would be to perform for a living.

This Saturday, SNL begins its 32nd season, which makes me feel very old. Do you realize that some of the current cast members could be the children of the original cast? (Well, come to think of it, it’s probably more surprising to realize that one of the current cast members (Darrell Hammond) is in his 50s and old enough to be the father of most of his fellow cast members. That’s weird. Encouraging to the aging sketch comedians out in the world, but weird nonetheless). Unfortunately, it seems all the news I’ve heard so far about the new season has been negative. Budget cuts and departures have shrunk the cast, and most everyone I’ve talked to thinks Seth Myers as head writer and Weekend Update anchor will effectively finish the job that Charles Rocket and Anthony Michael Hall and Chris Elliott started: successfully killing “Saturday Night Live.” Boy, that’s a depressing thought. Just forget it. Forget I said anything. “SNL” will still be here, it will, it must, it has to! Now excuse me while I gently rock in a corner, murmuring to myself, “Yeah, that’s the ticket!”

Okay, I’m back.

As I was contemplating the new season, I tried to make the ultimate SNL cast, using anyone that has ever performed for the show. I was having so much fun with that idea, I thought I’d get the rest of the Van Gogh-Goghs into the act. But then I wondered, “How exciting would that really be?” We’d all pick Phil Hartman and Eddie Murphy and the big power players. There may be two or three differences, but each cast would be virtually the same. So, like every other great idea I’ve had in the past three years, I readily dismissed it in favor of working on my fantasy basketball team.

At this point, I’m diving into the NBA stats, trying to decide if Chris Paul or Gilbert Arenas would be a better point guard this year, when it dawned on me: we shouldn’t just name our favorite SNL cast, we should DRAFT our fantasy SNL cast, just like my fantasy NBA league (which I won last year… I’m not braggin’, just stating a fact).

The draft would be perfect. Sure, we’d all love to have Mike Myers, but when and over which other cast members would you pick him? Which newscaster would you want behind the desk?

I emailed the other Van Gogh-Goghs the idea, and everyone else agreed that it would be a fun challenge. Just like that, the VGG Fantasy SNL League was born.

I know you see the problem with this already. We saw it, too. How do you score this? With a fantasy basketball league, you can objectively quantify the benefits and risks of the players. If you need blocked shots, you’ll look at Andrei Kirilenko and hope last year’s shooting percentages and back injuries were a fluke. If you need rebounds, and you’re trying to choose between Kevin Garnett and Dirk Nowitzki, you can see that KG grabs more boards. It’s right there in the numbers.

But how do you quantify laughter? Comedy is subjective; you know this every time you meet a Dane Cook fan (is it just me who recalls a Dane Cook who was funny but not a tool? I miss two years of pop culture and now he’s the “coolest” thing around). Is it really possible to compare Dan Aykroyd and Adam Sandler? Gilda Radner and Will Ferrell? John Belushi and Finesse Mitchell? Okay, that last one, maybe you can.

How can we figure out who wins? Well, we can’t. But you can, and we’ll get to that in the coming days.

Before we can decide who wins, though, we have to have the casts. Each team will have six men, three women and a news anchor (more on that later), and can fill the spots with anyone who was a full cast member or featured player. Once a performer has been selected, the performer cannot be selected again. Comedy bits like Mr. Bill and Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey are not eligible to be picked.

As for the news anchors, every actor who has appeared as an anchor is eligible to be selected. Also, the news anchor part of the person is separate from the actor part. For example, if Jason picks Brad Hall as the news anchor, he cannot count in sketches unless Jason also drafts Brad Hall as an actor. If T. Mike picks Chevy Chase as an actor, he can’t use Chase as his anchor unless he also picks him as the anchor. Got it? Good.

The draft is a 10-round snake draft (the order of drafting in odd-numbered rounds is reversed in even-numbered rounds; this levels the playing field in that the one drafting at the end of the first round gets to pick first in the second… trust me, it’s the best way (if you don’t trust me, that’s fine, because T. Mike doesn’t trust me, either)), with our draft order randomly chosen. That order in the first round will be:

Galen
Charles (that’s me)
Rob
Alan
Jason
T. Mike (which is probably why he doesn’t trust me about the snake draft)

We’ll begin announcing the results of the draft next week, starting with the first two rounds on Monday. Once the casts have been selected and the requisite comments made, it’s time to settle it once and for all: who has the best SNL fantasy cast?

For those of you who thought that wearing one of those Bluetooth cellphone earpieces was only good for making you look like a self-important prick, I have some very good news: it also makes you look like Lobot!

Yes, in addition to making people think you’re a loon who’s loudly talking to himself, you can also brighten the days of your contemporaries by reminding them of one of the most fondly overlooked characters in the Star Wars mythology.

To corroborate my theory, I’m including here a picture of a guy I saw at the airport and Mr.Lobot himself. I hope this gives Bluetooth headset users some much-needed perspective:

Finally bringing American meerkat-eroticism on par with the great European teams, scientists unveiled the world’s third-most humpable meerkat at a well-attended press conference in the Sensual Biology Amphitheater at Caltech in Pasadena, CA.

Meerkats, long known in the animal kingdom for their remarkable lack of ability to exite sexual urges in humans, have recently been the subject of a great deal of gene-splicing and DNA recombination experiments directed at making the mammals more sexually interesting to humans. Up until this announcement, Scandinavian and English scientists have dominated the field, with Japanese teams making exciting breakthroughs. This is the first serious American entry into the field, which makes the incredibly strong showing all the more remarkable.

The Global Erotic Meerkat Ratings Board, the established multinational standard of determing sexy meerkat ratings, had previously listed the top three most humpable meerkats as ones produced by the Swedish National Meerkat Research Council, a privately-held British research society called MeerexUK, and the meerkat produced by Sony’s biosexuality division in Hokkaido, Japan. The newly-announced American entry has ratings that place it third, effectively knocking the Japanese entry to fourth place.

“We couldn’t be happier or more excited, both emotionally and sexually,” says Dr. Malcom Towbridge, lead scientist of the Caltech project. “Making a meerkat sexually interesting at all is a grand achievement; I mean, we’re not talking about panthers or dolphins here.”

“What’s really amazing, is just how powerful this meerkat’s eroticism is,” Towbridge continued, his pants now visibly tenting under the strain of his erection, which increased in size and urgency the more he discussed his group’s achievement. “I mean, just look at this meerkat…”

Dr.Towbridge trailed off his speech and removed the meerkat from its locked and padded crate. The meerkat, its fur worn away in several large patches on its back, shoulders, and rump, writhed and whimpered in an exhausted, but strangely alluring manner.

“The actual traits of sexual magnetism, or ‘humpability’, are really quite tricky to define,” continued Towbridge, stroking the meerkat while adjusting his pants, “It’s really got very little to do with what we conventionally consider “beauty.” This is not the same reaction we undergo when we say, look at a pretty human woman; this is something far more basic, more ingrained and sensual.”

Dr. Towbridge then paused and ran his tongue up the length of the meerkat’s spine.

“Of course, achieving this incredible goal makes me appreciate the work of my collegues. The British meerkat, especially. I was permitted to examine it in detail at the Global Conference (of Meerkat Sensuality) in Oslo last year. The animal possesses an incredibly sensuality of form, a remarkable, humid sexuality in its slim, silken body, permeating it’s every musky…musky, damp…”

Dr. Towbridge at this point suddenly broke off speaking and began to violently dry-hump the award-winning meerkat, vigorously thrusting onto it as he held it against the podium at the amphitheater. Dr.Towbridge could not be roused for comment after this action, and the exhausted meerkat was injected with Gatorade and returned to its crate by two female lab assistants.

“We have nothing but respect for the American achievement, but, to be quite frank, they still have a long way to go before they get a meerkat as humpable as ours,” says Dr.Als Jaringe, Lead Scientist of the Swedish team.

“I mean, look at this. Sweet lord, this meerkat is hot,” Jaringe continued, stripping down to his underwear and pinning their world-beating meerkat under his body on a mat placed on the floor of his office, as his buttocks began to clench and unclench rhythmycally. “I mean, fuck.”

Hello I’m Charon. You might know me as Pluto’s “moon.” I’ve remained silent in the planet/not-a-planet controversy regarding Pluto, but I can remain silent no longer. The International Astronomical Union has decided to demote my life partner Pluto and take away his status as a planet. This blatant, divisive, and cruel discrimination can not stand.

Pluto and I are no strangers to controversy. Our very discovery was controversial. Percival Lowell’s outer-solar system witch hunt first outed us in 1930 due to the public’s panic about a supposed gravitational “influence” over Neptune. Well, now the truth is out there- our supposed “influence” on Neptune is minimal, people: minimal. Neptune is his own planet, and he lives his own life. As for us, we could live with the strange looks and being snubbed by space probes. But this time the astronomy establishment has crafted an arbitrary definition of “planet” simply to exclude Pluto. This is discrimination at its worst.

Am I not a planet? Do I not orbit the Sun? Am I not rounded by the gravity of my own mass? What more could you want? Yes, our orbit has been described as “eccentric”– but I’m here to tell you that this is an astronomy codeword for “inferior.” You can dress it up in all the euphemisms you want, astronomy, but it is still the language of hate. It’s time we stood up and proudly proclaimed that our orbit isn’t eccentric- it’s QUEER!

Obviously, panicked, conservative astronomers no longer want Pluto and I in the list of planets where children would have to be taught about us and our lifestyle. By demoting us, they think they can sweep us under the rug, out of sight, and pretend that moons orbiting planets and planets orbiting suns in neat little ellipses in the same plane is the somehow the “natural” order of things, despite the reality of the universe.

What they find even worse is that I don’t orbit Pluto. And Pluto doesn’t orbit me. We orbit EACH OTHER. We are not a planet and moon, but a double planet! Our relationship is an EQUAL partnership, and it is this fact that so frightens the establishment. Our existence challenges the so-called “traditional values” of the planet-moon relationship where the moon is always in the inferior position, and “knows their place.”

It’s sad that the astronomy establishment sees our equality as a threat that must be suppressed. A threat so great they feel they must revoke our status as planet. The IAU will no longer legally recognize our partnership, and will deny such recognition to all future double planets, or even, “God forbid” triple planets. But we’re here, we’re queer, we’re Kuiper! And we’re not going anywhere- in fact, our numbers are growing. Sedna, Quaoar, Varuna, – sure our names may not be from classic Roman mythology, we may not have the topography and atmospheres the “establishment” says is proper, but we all orbit the same sun as you.

The IAU has chosen to discriminate against Pluto by assigning it a status separate from the “classical” planets, and calling it something other than “planet.” Separate is not equal. Especially when the separate status thrust upon us is “dwarf.” Dwarf? We’re not dwarfs- YOU, you the astronomers, are the dwarfs- dwarfed in spirit, dwarfed in mind, dwarfed in imagination. Your hide-bound, outdated, antiquated prejudices have left you unable to see that all planetary bodies are created equal. Your plutophobia sickens and disgusts me.

There’s no need for it to be like this. Dark matter is 90% of the universe; regular matter, the type of matter that makes up planetary stalwarts like Jupiter, Earth, and Mars–is the very same stuff that makes up Pluto, myself, and a whole host of bodies you’ve probably never even taken the time to be aware of. We’re all part of the same, precious 10%. And it’s high time we all saw that.

We all orbit one, solitary star. Let’s try to remember that.

When you think you know the answer, post a comment!