Archive for the ‘SNL Fantasy League’ Category

The best defense is a good offense

Tuesday, October 24th, 2006

In the defense of his fantasy Saturday Night Live team: T. Mike has only one thing to say:

T. Mike’s team eats bitches like your teams and shits them out like the bitches they are. Bitch, you just got bitch-shitted, bitch- how’s that make your bitch self feel, bitch?

All y’all haterz just be riding T. Mike’s jock.

Vote on the best SNL team!

Tuesday, October 24th, 2006

The Van Gogh-Goghs need YOU! We’ve created our fantasy Saturday Night Live casts! We had a draft, went through the rounds, oy such drama! Well now it’s time for you, the Internet surfing public to cast your vote for the best team!!!! Use the comments link to post YOUR VOTE!

As a reminder, here are the team rosters:

Galen Black’s Team: John Belushi, Gilda Radner, Jan Hooks, Tina Fey (newscaster), Don Novello, Billy Crystal, Garrett Morris, Maya Rudolph, Fred Armisen, Terry Sweeney.

Charles Rempel’s Team: Eddie Murphy, Bill Murray, Jon Lovitz, Darrell Hammond, Joe Piscopo, Ben Stiller, Nora Dunn, Jane Curtin, Kristen Wiig, Jane Curtin (newscaster).

Rob Terrell’s Team: Chevy Chase (newscaster), Will Ferrell, Chevy Chase, Chris Kattan, David Spade, Tim Meadows, Rachel Dratch, Molly Shannon, Cheri Oteri, Jimmy Fallon.

Alan Benson’s Team: Al Franken, Dennis Miller (newscaster), Dan Aykroyd, Laraine Newman, Harry Shearer, Mary Gross, A. Whitney Brown, Tim Kazurinsky, Danitra Vance, Michael O’Donoghue.

Jason Torchinsky’s Team: Phil Hartman, Chris Elliott, Chris Rock, Martin Short, Christopher Guest, Brian Doyle-Murray, Kevin Nealon (newscaster), Sarah Silverman, Julia Sweeney, Amy Poehler.

T. Mike Childs’ Team: Mike Myers, Dana Carvey, Adam Sandler, Chris Farley, Rob Schneider, Horatio Sanz, Victoria Jackson, Ana Gasteyer, Robin Duke, Norm MacDonald (newscaster).
Use the comments link to post YOUR VOTE for the best (and worst) team!!!

The Magnificent 10 Samurai

Sunday, October 15th, 2006

In the classic Japanese film Shichinin no Samurai, Yul Brenner plays a cowboy who along with six other gun slinging samurai protect a small Japanese village of Mexican peasants from marauding Mexican Samurai bandits. The heroes not only protect the village, but teach the townspeople to fight for themselves as well.

The Magnificent 10 Samurai will do the same and not only protect you from bandits in this league whose aim is to steal your laughter, but they will teach you poor villagers to laugh again.

The unmatched comic legends John Belushi and Gilda Radner lead my team of comedic Samurai. Each brings to the fight a wealth of characters and imitations that transcend time. Blush’s wields mighty swords and brings his shinning steel swinging: The Samurai Futaba, “Cheeboyger, Cheeboyger”, Joe Cocker, The Bee, and of course the only Blues Brother that matters, “Joliet” Jake Blues. Radner enters this competition with guns a blazing: Baba Wawa, Emily Litella, the nerd Lisa Loopner, and of course the incomparable Roseanne Roseannadanna.

I could sideline both my leads for a week and you’d barely know they’re gone, because Billy Crystal and Jan Hooks will be there to keep the laughs flying. You don’t believe me? Billy Crystal brings Fernando Lamas, Joe Franklin, Muhammad Ali (an impression even the Champ loved) and Sammy Davis Jr. Jan Hooks can transform herself into a hilarious interpretation of any female in the news and her experience with Hillary Clinton will surely come in handy for the next two years.

When Saturday Night Live is at it’s worst, usually Weekend Update is still worth waiting for. Weekend Update was the Daily Show before Jon Stewart told his first joke. There have been some mighty fine anchors through the years, but none brought the intelligent wit that Ms. Tina Fey has charmed us with. She’s one of the top 3 weekend update anchors of all time, logging more time behind the desk than any other SNL alum. When you’re tired of laughing at Belushi, Radner, Crystal and Hooks, Fey’s gonna ride into town and give you even more to laugh at.

If I were a good sport I would tell my top players to knock off early every show and we’d catch up with them at the after party. I could, without fear, leave the final third of the show to my remaining cast and no one would turn the channel before the final wave goodnight. Just look at the rest of my field: Fred Armisen, Maya Rudolph, Garrett Morris, Don Novello, and of course Terry Sweeney. Rudolph has the funny singing chops to skewer any pop sensation past, present or future. Her ambiguous race gives her the power to slip into any character regardless of being black, white, Hispanic or space alien. Her and Fred Armisen give me versatility in characters unmatched by any cast in this competition.

Garrett Morris is my secret weapon against whitey. Morris was woefully underused in his stint on SNL, but as a member of the Magnificent 10 Samurai that mistake will not be repeated.

I’ve been told Don Novello is just a one trick pony. Well, duh! That’s why I picked him; I picked him for his fabulous one trick. In the current political and religious climate the world needs Father Guido Sarducci more than ever. Why SNL didn’t have the good father back on the air at the height of the pedophile priest scandal is a mystery to me.

Finally, I present Terry Sweeney. There’s nothing more funny in comedy than a man in a dress, if you don’t believe me ask the Kids in the Hall, Monty Python and Uncle Miltie. Cross Dressing is funny and that’s a fact and no one on SNL did it better.

There you have it, the best team in this fantasy league. The Magnificent Ten Samurai.

Train Wrecks are Funny, Too

Sunday, October 15th, 2006

Disgust, pity, and dismay are like three old, dear, familiar friends to me, and this whole fantasy SNL draft thing sure gave them ample opportunity to pay me a visit. Now, I realize that my cast selections have been viewed with the most confusion and anger, so I suppose I’d better take a moment and explain exactly what the hell it was that I was thinking, and, as many of you have speculated, smoking.

First off, I don’t recall smoking anything, unless you count a clove cigarette packed with hash and soaked in PCP, which I don’t.

And, for my thinking, I suspect that I viewed this whole fantasy Saturday Night Live cast thing in a very different way than everyone else. See, I was putting a lot of stock into the ‘fantasy’ part, meaning my goal was to pick the cast that I’d most like to see. All this crap about statistics and formulae and generally playing this thing to “win” strikes me as pretty sad, but what the hell.

Also, it should be made clear that I haven’t donated any rat parts whatsoever about SNL since I was in high school. Like most dorks, I loved SNL when I was between 13-18, and it sure as hell was an influence in my dream to one day fail to make it as a bigshot comic. But, as I grew older, the shows seemed more and more tedious, and after a few years it became hard to imagine anything more unpleasant than trying to sit through the lumbering last half hour of the show. I’m wildly unfamiliar with any of the recent casts, too. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have nothing but respect for those who’ve made it to SNL, whether I like what they do or not; it’s just that recently, it hasn’t grabbed me in that improper way I wish it would.

But I know what I like, and I know what and who I think is funny. And I tried to pick those people. I didn’t really factor what these people did on SNL as much as their larger body of work and the perceived potential they have: I mean, after all, this is a FANTASY cast, right? So why limit a talented cast member just to what some short-sighted and unadventurous producer could see at some time in the past? I mean, my first pick was a fucking DEAD man; why can’t I extrapolate some of the great stuff I know Sarah Silverman is capable of?

And, I have another, hidden agenda: I love trouble. I like my television a bit chaotic and nothing’s more exciting to see on TV than a total disaster, LIVE! I’d like my cast to have the potential for that. I think my cast may be the most likely one to get bleeped until it sounds like an EBS warning signal. I think my cast may be the most likely to have the show abruptly end midway into a wildly ill-advised but hopefully funny sketch. I hope for picketing, boycotts, fires, pixellated nudity, bedlam.

Hopefully this helps understand my cast: I have pretty much an even split between very funny, adaptable and capable players and unpredictable, funny, troublemakers.

On the stable side I have Phil Hartman, a colossally talented man who can pull off most anything; clearly, he’s the foundation of whatever’s going to actually work on the show. I have Christopher Guest, also a gifted character performer and improviser, and Martin Short, energetic, adaptable and solid. Julia Sweeney is a skilled character-generator and had one of the few SNL characters to make the transition to a movie (which flopped, like most of these SNL-characters- to-movies do, so I won’t hold that against her). Along with them we have relative newcomer Amy Poehler, who also seems to have what it takes to hold some funny shit together, and everyone says is being used an assload in the current season. This group is Order.

Then we have Chaos. Chris Elliott, picked way too early (technically) solely because I’ve always found Chris Elliot hilarious and I don’t give a damn what anyone thinks. He’s great and a he’s a loon, and I know this could be used far better than he was actually employed on the show. Remember him on Letterman? Guy Under the Stairs? Fugitive Guy? Marlon Brando? I know that wasn’t on SNL, but it’s fantasy, remember? Sarah Silverman, while, yes, minimal on the actual show, has proved herself since then to be funny, offensive, and fearless: all qualities that could be put to very effective use. Chris Rock is a funny man in his own right, and has some untapped character skills once you get past that voice. He can be really great in the right contexts.

And, okay, Brian Doyle Murray was mostly picked for his mild obesity and his former work with Chris Elliott, where he always had a very funny gruff-but-revolting kind of charm.

Kevin Nealon was a good newscaster; his porn reviews consisting entirely of describing his level of interest are now even more relevant, and I remember always liking his “what I’m really trying to say” editorials.

This is a lot of rambling, but I suppose you nice internet folks deserve some justification for my admittedly unconventional casting. I think if you keep in mind that my goals are divided between great sketch comedy and spectacular disaster, it makes sense. I expect much my cast to be banned from performing about halfway through the season, but it should prove a hell of a ride.

In Defense of The Gumby Lounge Singers

Tuesday, October 10th, 2006

Now that the draft is complete, and Rob has enlightened us with his scientific approach to sketch comedy (which sure explains a lot about Rob’s sketch comedy “career”), I feel duty-bound to share with you the greatness that is The Gumby Lounge Singers (and if you don’t know the derivation of the name, may I suggest a more remedial class?).

Alan had a great idea about naming a bandleader, and since it was his addition to the game, I’m following his rules. I’m guessing I can pick an actual Saturday Night Live bandleader if I want, but he picked a memorable musical act from the many who performed on SNL: Shane MacGowan, drunken frontman of The Pogues. In that same vein, I’m picking a musician with a checkered SNL past: Elvis Costello. He was banned from the show for switching songs (he was asked not to play “Radio Radio” because of its lyrics, and he switched during the live show, which also put the show behind schedule), but he’s back in the good graces again, and he’s my choice to lead the band.

So with Elvis Costello conducting, and the band blaring the SNL theme, it’s time to meet the cast. Don Pardo, take it away!

I said, Don Pardo, take it away!

Hmm, Don must be at lunch. Okay, I’ll tell you about The Gumby Lounge Singers:

The men
Eddie Murphy, Bill Murray, Jon Lovitz, Darrell Hammond, Joe Piscopo, and Ben Stiller

This may be the best collection of male cast members in the league. I have two charismatic leading men in Murphy and Murray. Lovitz and Piscopo would be the stars on any other cast, but here they complement the top bananas with legendary characters of their own. Impressions will be a team strength, especially with Hammond and Piscopo anchoring the squad. Even Ben Stiller (who I mistakenly picked over Tracy Morgan) will contribute through his impressions and boyish charm.

The women
Nora Dunn, Jane Curtin, and Kristen Wiig

I’m very happy with the women I’ve selected, I think they are all immensely talented and three of the best actresses to perform on SNL, yet I can see that in general they fit the same category. Dunn has some crazy characters, and really it’s too early in Wiig’s career to generalize, but the three of them have a more subtle approach to sketch comedy. I could have an awesome Nora Ephron-written sketch about three society women at lunch with these ladies. I should have grabbed a goofball like Rachel Dratch or Cheri Oteri to complement the styles (hmmm, Rob has Oteri and Dratch, along with Molly Shannon; looks like he’s in the same situation only with goofballs).

The Weekend Update anchor
Jane Curtin

Like I said in the Round Ten summary, Curtin was one of the earliest (replacing Chevy Chase behind the desk), one of the longest-running (80 episodes, tied for third most all-time), and simply one of the best anchors ever on Saturday Night Live. She has a great catchphrase, “Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow,” and that is critical for a quality anchor. She’ll have to bring her “A” game every week, though; unlike other casts (especially Alan’s), my team is a little weak at Update commentaries. Thank the heavens above for Darrell Hammond.

Overall, I’m very pleased. Is this the perfect cast? Of course not, but no cast ever will. The Gumby Lounge Singers, though, has to be considered one of the favorites to win the Fantasy SNL League.

SNL Draft – the morning after

Monday, October 9th, 2006

This email was sent by Rob to the others the morning after the draft.

So, Good morning, bitches. (No offense intended; I use that term scientifically, as I will explain below.) I hope you’ve slept off your draft-induced hangovers and are now staring, groggily, at your poor excuse for a cast, wondering what in God’s name you were thinking. Because your cast sucks. At least, from the scientific standpoint.

Science is that wonderful arbiter of objectivity. (Objectivity is that wonderful trait that helps us avoid, say, picking Chris Elliot when Bill Murray is still available.) Science is based on fact and observation. Using the SNL web site, I was able to download a series of facts about each of the cast members: number of seasons on the cast, number of guest appearances, number of repeating characters, and number of impressions performed. Using these stats, I devised a formula to generate each player’s objective “power ranking.”

The formula is weighted, so that some factors matter more (i.e. if you’re on the cast for just one season, you’re not getting ranked very high, no matter how many impressions you can do).

Based on this formula, the top ten cast members include: Phil Hartman (#1 power ranking), Will Ferrell, Darrell Hammond, Dana Carvey, Tim Meadows, Jon Lovitz, and Jan Hooks. Each of these had a power ranking of 78 or higher. (Galen — your side bet was a sucker’s bet.)

Now, although only a few of these are emotional fan favorites, please remember, science knows best. Many emotional favorites are near the top of the list, to be sure, so they get their due. But it’s true that some founding cast members tend to trail some of the more recent cast members, perhaps because their lust for Hollywood, cocaine, or the grave led them to leave the show too early, and thus not develop the “power” of, say, a Horatio Sanz.

Some of the worst are: Peter Akroyd (1.5 power score), Chris Elliot (a 3.5 score) and Sarah Silverman (a 4.5 score) — sorry, Jason. For reference, Gilbert Gottfried is scored at 4.5. So you can see, the rankings do work. But some of our favorites are these cellar dwellers. Drafting favorites, or hiring a cast member because you wish you could fuck her, can lead to very low power rankings, and herpes.

So, how did we do? Not so good. Galen’s number-one overall pick, John Belushi, had a power ranking of 23. The number two pick overall, Charles’ Eddie Murphy, had a power ranking of 40. My pick, number three overall, was Chevy Chase with a power ranking of 31. Clearly, Billy Beane we’re not.

By this formula, each cast’s combined power ranking is (in draft order):
Galen: 408.5

Galen’s cast is, from the first pick, mid-level players. Not until he drafts Jan Hooks (his third selection) does he sniff the top ten. Don Novello (#63) was picked at least two rounds too early. Amazingly, Galen left plenty of firepower on the table with each pick. I’ll admit it. He rattled me. I could not imagine what he was thinking. I suppose he was aiming for a funny, rather than powerful, cast. Weird. What saved his bacon were the late picks of Fred Amisen (power ranking of 26) and Maya Rudolph (power ranking of 18) in the late rounds. Tina Fey (#60 overall, #5 anchor) for news was a solid, although not spectacular, choice.
Charles: 472

Now, clearly, Charles knows this shit cold. He’s obviously participated in many mock drafts before, and he was ready to intimidate. After Galen’s pick of John Belushi for #1 overall, Charles lets Galen know: “YOU FUCKED UP!!!” Indeed, Galen did. But then so did Charles. His pick, for #2 overall, was Eddie Murphy — a top 50 candidate, to be sure, but he ignored Phil Hartman (power ranking #1). Charles proceeds to load up from the top tier of the power rankings: Murray (#21), Lovitz (#8 power ranking), and later Hammond (#4) and Piscopo (#26). But he’s picking with heart, not his brain. A man of science would have cherry-picked Hammond before Murray. And later he picks Stiller (#74), who apparently stored up his power-ranking for his own TV show. After the 4th round selection of Nora Dunn (#34), Charles thought Kristen Wiig (#82) was the best woman left — forgetting that Tina Fey (#60) was still available as an actress. Or maybe he had the yips: Julia-Louis Dreyfus (#52), Ana Gasteyer (#12), Julia Sweeney (#49), Amy Poehler (#13), and Rachel Dratch (#11) were all available when he made his boneheaded Ben Stiller pick. But overall, Charles’ cast is one of the strongest.
(I’ll save myself for last.)
Alan: 257

From the very first — Al Franken (#37) — Alan dug himself into the cellar. It was yet another first-round selection that let #1 Phil Hartman slide. Luckily, Dan Ackroyd (#18) and Laraine Newman (#36) were huge finds lingering in the third and fourth rounds, but Alan followed those good discoveries with draft dodgers Harry Shearer (#58) and A. Whitney Brown (#71). Harry Shearer makes sense if you follow up with Christopher Guest and get some Spinal Tap skits out of it, but A. Whitney Brown in the sixth round? Hammond, Meadows, Crystal and Piscopo were all still available. (And Hammond and Meadows were still sitting at the presumed lottery picks’ table, looking more and more forlorn, their mommas crying into their big hats, as minor role take their guaranteed salaries. A travesty.) Alan does show good sense in picking up Dennis Miller in the second round, #10 overall. A good choice, because aside from his low overall score (#71) as he’s the #2 news anchor in the entire draft. I had planned on taking Miller with my first round pick, until I saw that Galen and Charles left Chevy Chase (#31 overall, #1 anchor) for the pickings. Alan mops up with Gross and Vance — both going in garbage rounds as expected — but Alan loses all sense by picking O’Donoghue (#105) in the final round, with a dozen more powerful players undrafted.
T. Mike: 534

The crazy-eye killa of this draft. He knew that, by his draft position, he’d get consecutive picks. Therefore, he could pick up any matched pair. And he got the #1 duo on the table: Myers (#15) and Carvey (#5). I’m sure he picked them in reverse power-ranking order just to fuck with our heads. Then, he picks up an all-star top-fifty supporting cast: Farley (#26), Sandler (#28), Schneider (#44), and somehow finds top-ten pick Horation Sanz (#10) in the sixth. Once the men are secured, he turns his steely-yet-crazy-eyed gaze upon the women: Jackson (#51), Gasteyer (#13), and Duke (#66). Please note that T. Mike did not make a selection below the top 66, while one of y’all bitches dipped below #66 four times — twice below 100. Who might that be?
Jason: 337.5

Jason, who claimed at the start to be the most unprepared, proved true to his word. After a making us all look dumb with his first selection, Phil Hartman (#1), Jason stank up the joint with Chris Elliot (#108). Chris Rock (#45) was a poor third-round pick, given the talent left. Martin Short (#56), Christopher Guest (#79), and Sarah Silverman (#103) were all picked a round or two too early. What’s going on? Have we found our Billy Beane? No, clearly not, as he picks the loathesome Brian Doyle-Murray (#75) and even worse Kevin Nealon (#7 anchor) for the news desk. Amy Poehler (#20) in the last round would have been an inspired selection, if it had in fact been inspired, rather than desperately picking the first remaining female cast member Galen could name.
Rob: 733

You see, you’re all my bitches. Scientifically speaking, of course.

My plan was to lock in the best newscaster I could first, and then build a cast around that. I expected to settle happily for Dennis Miller, but as I said Galen rattled me, but I was able to recover and select Chevy Chase (#1 news anchor) in the first round. I took Will Ferrell (#2) in the second round, and Chris Kattan (#4) in the third — a choice that everyone thought was mind-bogglingly dumb. (His nearly 100 power points, combined with Will Ferrell’s and Tim Meadows’ (#7), by themselves beats Jason’s total cast score.) I was playing to win, bitches. I doubled up on Chase as actor — a dumb move, considering who was left: Sanz, Farley, Hammond, et al. My heart was pounding with the excitement, and doubtless all that blood it sent into my brain was having some affect on my logic and reason. I knew that drafting Spade (#29) was like trading for Sprewell — the fans will hate the move, but his 47 points were sorely needed. Then I added Cheri Oteri (#22) for the Spartan Cheerleader skit (I half expected Charles to block me on that). Then I saw Meadows (#6) was still available, so I got them too. Molly Shannon (#19) and Rachel Dratch (#11) and were also highly-ranked undrafted players, so I mopped up with them. In the garbage round, somehow Jimmy Fallon (#8 overall, 90 power points) was standing there, hat in hand, so I grabbed him. Again, my last four selections beat Alan’s total combined cast score.
Now, secure in the knowledge of your bitchiness, you may be asking “These power rankings do, indeed, reveal heretofore unseen truths about the casts. But could they be improved?” Absolutely, but only in the context of the casts themselves. For instance, while my cast is entirely all-stars, what if they don’t gel?

T. Mike’s cast is, in fact, the cast whose parts fit together the best. This can be easily shown by listing all of the skits that his cast can perform — i.e. Mike Myers + Dana Carvey = Wayne’s World. And along these lines, Charles’ cast could too be a contender for the best cast.

The next step for these rankings is for me to generate a list of all skits and all cast members, and determine the total number of known skits that can be performed by each cast. Popular or funny skits will be weighted more highly than unpopular or unfunny skits.

Then, we’ll really see who’s the bitch here. Scientifically speaking, that is.
— Rob

Rnd Drafter Draftee Draftee Score Draftee Rank
1 Galen John Belushi 55 23
Charles Eddie Murphy 32 40
Rob Chevy Chase 45 31
Alan Al Franken 38 37
Jason Phil Hartman 113 1
T.Mike Mike Myers 72.5 15
2 T.Mike Dana Carvey 99.5 5
jason Chris Elliott 3.5 107
Alan Dennis Miller 13 69
Rob Will Ferrell 111 2
Charles Bill Murray 57 21
Galen Gilda Radner 42.5 32
3 Galen Jan Hooks 78 10
Charles Jon Lovitz 81.5 8
Rob Chris Kattan 103.5 4
Alan Dan Aykroyd 71.5 17
Jason Chris Rock 29 45
T.Mike Chris Farley 51.5 25
4 T.Mike Norm MacDonald 32 41
jason Martin Short 21 56
Alan Laraine Newman 38.5 36
Rob Chevy Chase 45 31
Charles Nora Dunn 39.5 34
Galen Tina Fey 19 60
5 Galen Don Novello 16.5 63
Charles Jane Curtin 39.5 33
Rob Cheri Oteri 56.5 22
Alan Harry Shearer 20 58
Jason Sarah Silverman 4.5 103
T.Mike Victoria Jackson 28 50
6 T.Mike Adam Sandler 48.5 27
jason Christopher Guest 10.5 79
Alan A. Whitney Brown 12.5 71
Rob David Spade 47 29
Charles Darrell Hammond 107.5 3
Galen Billy Crystal 27.5 51
7 Galen Garrett Morris 39 35
Charles Joe Piscopo 54 24
Rob Tim Meadows 96 6
Alan Mary Gross 24 53
Jason Brian Doyle-Murray 12 75
T.Mike Rob Schneider 30.5 43
8 T.Mike Horatio Sanz 81 9
jason Kevin Nealon 74.5 13
Alan Tim Kazurinsky 29 47
Rob Molly Shannon 62.5 20
Charles Kristen Wiig 9.5 81
Galen Maya Rudolph 70.5 18
9 Galen Fred Armisen 51 26
Charles Ben Stiller 12 74
Rob Rachel Dratch 76.5 11
Alan Danitra Vance 6.5 93
Jason Julia Sweeney 28 49
T.Mike Ana Gasteyer 74.5 12
10 T.Mike Robin Duke 16 66
jason Amy Poehler 62.5 19
Alan Michael O’Donoghue 4 106
Rob Jimmy Fallon 90 7
Charles Jane Curtin 39.5 33
Galen Terry Sweeney 9.5 83

Jason, You Ignorant Slut

Monday, October 9th, 2006

This is the response to Jason and Charles’ responses to “SNL Draft – the morning after” email. The relevant portions of their responses are quoted within this email.

To my bitches Jason and Charles,

I expected something like this. Anger, vitriol, personal attacks. Such is the lot of the Scientist, bearing the light of truth to the world. Like a missionary bearing an altogether different kind of truth, you run at me with your spears, you tie me to the stake, you set your lions upon me. However, unlike those missionaries, I can use my Science and her collected Truths to build a force-field and deathray, fuck y’all up good, and eat some well-broiled lion meat for lunch.

Yes, I expected a reaction not unlike ignorant primitive natives hooting in fear at a flashlight. Truth is, my sweet bitches. I took a pattern of seemingly random data, data that you (in the mists of your ignorance) could only assemble into order by personal preference, and arranged it according to the hidden but undeniable order that Science, in her sweet benevolence, revealed.

Most of us have hardly given SNL a glance in recent years. The draft was doubtless biased towards the cast members of our youth. I aimed to rectify that, with Science.

Like some ancient cro-mag trying to make sense of a comet, you simply applied your personal experience and called what you saw fire, when in fact it was the coldest of space-ice streaming steam into the void. Your seemingly red-hot Martin Shorts and Chris Elliots are nothing more than that, my sweet bitches: hot air. I would no more assemble them into a cast than shove Science’s sweet flashlight of truth up my own rectum.

Speaking of which, Jason said:

Billy Crystal 27.5
Tim Kazurinsky 29
Al Franken 38
Martin Short 21
Kevin Nealon 74.5
Mike Myers 72.5

These are numbers we trust? Kazurinsky trumps Crystal? Franken is
nearly twice the cast member of Short? Nealon is slightly better
than Myers?

I'm afraid, dear Rob, the only bitch here is the one that soaked
that strap-on in liquid crack before she fucked you with it.

Jason, you ignorant slut. So much must be explained to you. Please, I beg of you, stop shoving dirt into your orifices and listen to me.

Science straps on 8″ inches of pure fact. Take solace in the knowledge that you’re not the first to feel her gentle, truthful caresses, which to your pig-ignorant mind feels like a rough ass-fucking. You’d best bear down like you’re taking a shit, brother, because when Science pushes in, it’s not stopping until its entire hot load of Truth has been deposited. I assume it will be deposited in your bowels, despite the more obvious utility to your brain.

First, you neglected to account for the margin of error. I elided it from the original discussion, under the assumption that each of you would perform such a simple calculation in your head while reading the document. However, as is now clear, performing simple sums on your fingers is a skill you lack. From this it’s clear that simple everyday Science, like the beautiful geometric topology of How To Tie Your Shoes, escapes you.

How do you survive? I watch you all with fascination, as you run about your daily lives as beheaded chickens jog about the barnyard. I don’t quite know how you do it, but I can say this: I am going to try to be off the roads when I know you are driving.

My apologies, I did not intend a diversion comprised of an honest, frank and unemotional assessment of your qualities. I simply meant to state that, within the margin of error, yes, TK > BC.

And please take note: although this is the revealed Truth today, as we are able to refine both our data and our formula, this revealed Truth may itself be revealed as falsehood. This, of course, is the way of Science. I don’t expect you to understand it, my sweet but ignorant bitches, and I expect you will now attack me, saying that I am using Science to bulwark any argument as I see fit. However, it remains Truth, too, that you’re ignorant pig-fuckers, unworthy of speaking her name.

It’s hardly worth my time explaining it in a way that you can understand. I would draw you a chart, but as you have no paper or pencils in this dump you call your home, and as I can only draw so many charts and diagrams with my finger in the dirt floors you use for both writing and excreting on, I hardly expect any Truth to sink into your ignorance-hardened melons.

Charles said:

You can't just take years of service without any modifiers... Also,
impressions are easier than original characters to create, thus
skewing the rankings in favor of the impersonators (Hammond,
Carver, Hartman, et al.)...And no value for "Best Of" DVDs?
Having a DVD should garner points, and more points the better
it sells.

Charles: I fully agree that the formula could use some refinement. Indeed, I was hoping to spark a discussion on that very topic, rather than simply hold myself up for public ridicule. To be clear, I was hoping for both, not just the one. Certainly, I accept the ridicule as any who attempts to bring The Way to a group of mindlessly ignorant pig-fuckers as yourselves.

Regardless, you seem to be somewhat less both pig-ignorant and pig-fucking than your fellows (who have responded with either vitriol or deaf-and-dumb silence), so let us now speak of the maths. You do know the maths, don’t you?

Using your concepts combined with my own, I propose the following formula:

score = (A x m1) + (B x m2) + (C x m3) + (D x m4) + (E x m5) + (F x m6)


A = number of seasons in the cast
B = number of guest appearances
C = number of characters performed
D = number of impressions performed
E = number of SNL DVDs released under cast member’s name
F = number of repeating skits cast member was a player in

and where the other factors, Scientifically known as the “mustard factorials,” are:

m1 = 2.5
m2 = 3.5
m3 = 1
m4 = 1.25
m5 = 4
m6 = 2

So that, a cast member’s DVD release is worth the most of all; a guest appearance, which must mean someone likes you, is worth nearly as much; and years of service count less, as do repeating skits. Appearing in skits or as repeating characters is worth something, too, so those on the cast who performed less would receive fewer points overall. Also, there are other potential variables to consider: sales figures (total units sold) for said DVDs, and number of awards won as staff members.

If you have somehow managed to read this far without hurting yourself in the brain, my bitches, I hereby open the floor — for debate only, please, Jason, stop crapping in the corner — to discussion on this valuable topic.

I am, sincerely, yours in Science.

The Fantasy SNL League Draft: Round Seven

Wednesday, October 4th, 2006

In these next four rounds, our casts will need to fill the open gaps. What are the gaps? Funny you should ask.

Galen needs to pick three men and one woman.
Charles needs to pick two men, one woman and a newscaster.
Rob needs to pick two men and two women.
Alan needs to pick two men and two women.
Jason needs to start over. (Okay, he really needs one man, two women and a newscaster)
T. Mike needs two men and two women.

With these facts in mind, let’s begin Round Seven: The Unleavened Heaven (I’m trying to sell it a little more. Did it work? No? Hmmmm. It was the unleavened part, right? Yeah, I forced it. Sorry.)

Galen Black selects Garrett Morris

Galen picks another one of the original cast. Someone’s showing his age.

Galen, you old fat man, tell us why you went with Garrett:

My next choice comes thanks to T. Mike. Earlier in the 6th round he said to me, “I think all the original members of the cast are gone now.” I looked over my list and saw one original alum waiting patiently to be picked. I needed a black man to round out my cast and there were a few available, but few as talented as Garret Morris. So thank you, T. Mike. Good luck with your future picks.

–Galen Black

Hmmm. Galen needs a black man to round out his cast. T. Mike earlier said he needed to fill his fat guy quotient. I know we split the cast into men and women, but did we add a fat and/or ethnic requirement? Let me check the by-laws… nope, nothing in there.

I’m not saying Garrett Morris is a bad pick, per se. I don’t think he got the stage time he deserved. But in those first five years, you had legendary performers hogging the spotlight. It would be tough for anyone to get the reps. However, in Galen’s cast, Morris should have all the stage-time he wants.

Charles Rempel selects Joe Piscopo

How is Piscopo still out there? Don’t question it, Charles, just say “thank you” and go.

Thank you.

Piscopo rejoins his castmate Eddie Murphy to create a power duo that kept Saturday Night Live from facing cancellation. A master of impersonations, he fits well with Darrell Hammond; there may be no one in history we can’t make fun of now. As a plus, my cast can now shoot Buckwheat every weekend, if we want. And just like Jon Lovitz, Joe Piscopo was on the top of the comedy heap at SNL, and when he left, he could never reached the top again. His talent is perfect for the sketch comedy format.

Piscopo embodies the spirit of my team, and to think, he was handed to me on a silver platter.

Once again, thank you.

Rob Terrell selects Tim Meadows

I remember one sketch in particular, I believe it was the season opener the year after Phil Hartman left. The cast members were auditioning for role of Bill Clinton. I remember Chris Elliott wanted to do Clinton as W.C. Fields, which turned out to be a harbinger of things to come. I also remember Tim Meadows. He had a great impression, the best of anyone, but in the middle of his speech he stopped and said, “I’m not getting this, am I?” Man, the way he said it was hilarious.

His signature character is, of course, Leon Phelps, better known to the world as “The Ladies’ Man.” That role is easily one of the more quotable SNL characters, at least with the crowd I run with. “The Ladies’ Man” to me is a guilty pleasure, much like Alan listening to ABBA in his car.

Once again, Rob’s scientific approach grabs a member from the mid-‘90s. I wonder if that’s a glitch in the system or just the way it worked out. We’ll have to get Rob to explain that.

Alan Benson selects Mary Gross

Good for you, Alan.

Jason Torchinsky selects Brian Doyle-Murray

So Jason says he needs a fat guy on his cast, and the only one left that he saw was Brian Doyle-Murray. I ask if he wanted him for his newscaster, since as far as I knew, that’s all he did on the show. Jason said no, he’s in the actor side. I said I didn’t think he performed in any sketches, but after a couple minutes of discussion, none of us were certain that he hadn’t been in any sketches, so we had to let Jason pick Brian Doyle-Murray.

Sure, why not? Who are we to stop Jason from creating the worst cast imaginable? Three of his seven members did absolutely nothing in SNL sketches. I can’t wait to see what’s next. Maybe he can draft that Amish dude who played bass for G. E. Smith. That would be great.

T. Mike Childs selects Rob Schneider

Admit it. If you’re old enough to have been in an office when Rob Schneider joins Saturday Night Live, admit it. You said “Makin’ copies!” while you made copies. It’s okay, we all did it. We all called our friend Tom the Tominator and Tomaromavich and Tomski. It’s just what we did, isn’t it?

Schneider’s Richmeister was an instant hit, but he had other popular characters, too (I’m partial to Tiny Elvis). I think he’s another performer whose stock fell in this draft based on his post-SNL career.

T. Mike discusses the Richmeister:

Round 7: In the vein of Adam Sandler, another low-brow crowd pleaser who got more annoying after they left the show: Rob Schneider. Not great, but good. Good enough for me.

–T. Mike Childs

You have to like it when your opponent describes his latest draft pick as “annoying.”

Round Seven recap

A lot of forgotten stars were claimed this round. Galen applied Affirmative Action to his draft selection, Jason decided the hole he’s dug for himself is not deep enough, and T. Mike and Rob decided to co-found an “I Heart the ‘90s” fan club. You know, the usual.

What do you think? Are we starting to lose our mojo? Have anyone been consistently successful? Who’s the largest omission so far? Use the Comments boxes to tell us the story.