It’s Halloween time again, when Black Santa hitches up his eight tiny daemons to his sleigh and brings candy and terror to all the good and terrified kids. Then he chugs the glass of blood you left for him and makes his way back to his Dark Castle in Romania. Good times!

And, no Halloween is complete without some ritualistic pumpkin-multilation, so why not use these Classic Van Gogh-Gogh Pumpkin Carving tips?

In the classic Japanese film Shichinin no Samurai, Yul Brenner plays a cowboy who along with six other gun slinging samurai protect a small Japanese village of Mexican peasants from marauding Mexican Samurai bandits. The heroes not only protect the village, but teach the townspeople to fight for themselves as well.

The Magnificent 10 Samurai will do the same and not only protect you from bandits in this league whose aim is to steal your laughter, but they will teach you poor villagers to laugh again.

THE HEAD SAMURAI:
The unmatched comic legends John Belushi and Gilda Radner lead my team of comedic Samurai. Each brings to the fight a wealth of characters and imitations that transcend time. Blush’s wields mighty swords and brings his shinning steel swinging: The Samurai Futaba, “Cheeboyger, Cheeboyger”, Joe Cocker, The Bee, and of course the only Blues Brother that matters, “Joliet” Jake Blues. Radner enters this competition with guns a blazing: Baba Wawa, Emily Litella, the nerd Lisa Loopner, and of course the incomparable Roseanne Roseannadanna.

THE SECOND BANANA SAMURAI
I could sideline both my leads for a week and you’d barely know they’re gone, because Billy Crystal and Jan Hooks will be there to keep the laughs flying. You don’t believe me? Billy Crystal brings Fernando Lamas, Joe Franklin, Muhammad Ali (an impression even the Champ loved) and Sammy Davis Jr. Jan Hooks can transform herself into a hilarious interpretation of any female in the news and her experience with Hillary Clinton will surely come in handy for the next two years.

WEEKEND UPDATE SAMURAI
When Saturday Night Live is at it’s worst, usually Weekend Update is still worth waiting for. Weekend Update was the Daily Show before Jon Stewart told his first joke. There have been some mighty fine anchors through the years, but none brought the intelligent wit that Ms. Tina Fey has charmed us with. She’s one of the top 3 weekend update anchors of all time, logging more time behind the desk than any other SNL alum. When you’re tired of laughing at Belushi, Radner, Crystal and Hooks, Fey’s gonna ride into town and give you even more to laugh at.

THE REST OF THE SAMURAI
If I were a good sport I would tell my top players to knock off early every show and we’d catch up with them at the after party. I could, without fear, leave the final third of the show to my remaining cast and no one would turn the channel before the final wave goodnight. Just look at the rest of my field: Fred Armisen, Maya Rudolph, Garrett Morris, Don Novello, and of course Terry Sweeney. Rudolph has the funny singing chops to skewer any pop sensation past, present or future. Her ambiguous race gives her the power to slip into any character regardless of being black, white, Hispanic or space alien. Her and Fred Armisen give me versatility in characters unmatched by any cast in this competition.

Garrett Morris is my secret weapon against whitey. Morris was woefully underused in his stint on SNL, but as a member of the Magnificent 10 Samurai that mistake will not be repeated.

I’ve been told Don Novello is just a one trick pony. Well, duh! That’s why I picked him; I picked him for his fabulous one trick. In the current political and religious climate the world needs Father Guido Sarducci more than ever. Why SNL didn’t have the good father back on the air at the height of the pedophile priest scandal is a mystery to me.

Finally, I present Terry Sweeney. There’s nothing more funny in comedy than a man in a dress, if you don’t believe me ask the Kids in the Hall, Monty Python and Uncle Miltie. Cross Dressing is funny and that’s a fact and no one on SNL did it better.

There you have it, the best team in this fantasy league. The Magnificent Ten Samurai.

Disgust, pity, and dismay are like three old, dear, familiar friends to me, and this whole fantasy SNL draft thing sure gave them ample opportunity to pay me a visit. Now, I realize that my cast selections have been viewed with the most confusion and anger, so I suppose I’d better take a moment and explain exactly what the hell it was that I was thinking, and, as many of you have speculated, smoking.

First off, I don’t recall smoking anything, unless you count a clove cigarette packed with hash and soaked in PCP, which I don’t.

And, for my thinking, I suspect that I viewed this whole fantasy Saturday Night Live cast thing in a very different way than everyone else. See, I was putting a lot of stock into the ‘fantasy’ part, meaning my goal was to pick the cast that I’d most like to see. All this crap about statistics and formulae and generally playing this thing to “win” strikes me as pretty sad, but what the hell.

Also, it should be made clear that I haven’t donated any rat parts whatsoever about SNL since I was in high school. Like most dorks, I loved SNL when I was between 13-18, and it sure as hell was an influence in my dream to one day fail to make it as a bigshot comic. But, as I grew older, the shows seemed more and more tedious, and after a few years it became hard to imagine anything more unpleasant than trying to sit through the lumbering last half hour of the show. I’m wildly unfamiliar with any of the recent casts, too. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have nothing but respect for those who’ve made it to SNL, whether I like what they do or not; it’s just that recently, it hasn’t grabbed me in that improper way I wish it would.

But I know what I like, and I know what and who I think is funny. And I tried to pick those people. I didn’t really factor what these people did on SNL as much as their larger body of work and the perceived potential they have: I mean, after all, this is a FANTASY cast, right? So why limit a talented cast member just to what some short-sighted and unadventurous producer could see at some time in the past? I mean, my first pick was a fucking DEAD man; why can’t I extrapolate some of the great stuff I know Sarah Silverman is capable of?

And, I have another, hidden agenda: I love trouble. I like my television a bit chaotic and nothing’s more exciting to see on TV than a total disaster, LIVE! I’d like my cast to have the potential for that. I think my cast may be the most likely one to get bleeped until it sounds like an EBS warning signal. I think my cast may be the most likely to have the show abruptly end midway into a wildly ill-advised but hopefully funny sketch. I hope for picketing, boycotts, fires, pixellated nudity, bedlam.

Hopefully this helps understand my cast: I have pretty much an even split between very funny, adaptable and capable players and unpredictable, funny, troublemakers.

On the stable side I have Phil Hartman, a colossally talented man who can pull off most anything; clearly, he’s the foundation of whatever’s going to actually work on the show. I have Christopher Guest, also a gifted character performer and improviser, and Martin Short, energetic, adaptable and solid. Julia Sweeney is a skilled character-generator and had one of the few SNL characters to make the transition to a movie (which flopped, like most of these SNL-characters- to-movies do, so I won’t hold that against her). Along with them we have relative newcomer Amy Poehler, who also seems to have what it takes to hold some funny shit together, and everyone says is being used an assload in the current season. This group is Order.

Then we have Chaos. Chris Elliott, picked way too early (technically) solely because I’ve always found Chris Elliot hilarious and I don’t give a damn what anyone thinks. He’s great and a he’s a loon, and I know this could be used far better than he was actually employed on the show. Remember him on Letterman? Guy Under the Stairs? Fugitive Guy? Marlon Brando? I know that wasn’t on SNL, but it’s fantasy, remember? Sarah Silverman, while, yes, minimal on the actual show, has proved herself since then to be funny, offensive, and fearless: all qualities that could be put to very effective use. Chris Rock is a funny man in his own right, and has some untapped character skills once you get past that voice. He can be really great in the right contexts.

And, okay, Brian Doyle Murray was mostly picked for his mild obesity and his former work with Chris Elliott, where he always had a very funny gruff-but-revolting kind of charm.

Kevin Nealon was a good newscaster; his porn reviews consisting entirely of describing his level of interest are now even more relevant, and I remember always liking his “what I’m really trying to say” editorials.

This is a lot of rambling, but I suppose you nice internet folks deserve some justification for my admittedly unconventional casting. I think if you keep in mind that my goals are divided between great sketch comedy and spectacular disaster, it makes sense. I expect much my cast to be banned from performing about halfway through the season, but it should prove a hell of a ride.

Who says we don’t listen to our fans? Other than our fans? Well, we do. Because we’ve gotten requests for Violated by Bears Man shirts, and now we have them.

Now you too can look like America’s most pitiable superhero!

Now that the draft is complete, and Rob has enlightened us with his scientific approach to sketch comedy (which sure explains a lot about Rob’s sketch comedy “career”), I feel duty-bound to share with you the greatness that is The Gumby Lounge Singers (and if you don’t know the derivation of the name, may I suggest a more remedial class?).

Alan had a great idea about naming a bandleader, and since it was his addition to the game, I’m following his rules. I’m guessing I can pick an actual Saturday Night Live bandleader if I want, but he picked a memorable musical act from the many who performed on SNL: Shane MacGowan, drunken frontman of The Pogues. In that same vein, I’m picking a musician with a checkered SNL past: Elvis Costello. He was banned from the show for switching songs (he was asked not to play “Radio Radio” because of its lyrics, and he switched during the live show, which also put the show behind schedule), but he’s back in the good graces again, and he’s my choice to lead the band.

So with Elvis Costello conducting, and the band blaring the SNL theme, it’s time to meet the cast. Don Pardo, take it away!

I said, Don Pardo, take it away!

Hmm, Don must be at lunch. Okay, I’ll tell you about The Gumby Lounge Singers:

The men
Eddie Murphy, Bill Murray, Jon Lovitz, Darrell Hammond, Joe Piscopo, and Ben Stiller

This may be the best collection of male cast members in the league. I have two charismatic leading men in Murphy and Murray. Lovitz and Piscopo would be the stars on any other cast, but here they complement the top bananas with legendary characters of their own. Impressions will be a team strength, especially with Hammond and Piscopo anchoring the squad. Even Ben Stiller (who I mistakenly picked over Tracy Morgan) will contribute through his impressions and boyish charm.

The women
Nora Dunn, Jane Curtin, and Kristen Wiig

I’m very happy with the women I’ve selected, I think they are all immensely talented and three of the best actresses to perform on SNL, yet I can see that in general they fit the same category. Dunn has some crazy characters, and really it’s too early in Wiig’s career to generalize, but the three of them have a more subtle approach to sketch comedy. I could have an awesome Nora Ephron-written sketch about three society women at lunch with these ladies. I should have grabbed a goofball like Rachel Dratch or Cheri Oteri to complement the styles (hmmm, Rob has Oteri and Dratch, along with Molly Shannon; looks like he’s in the same situation only with goofballs).

The Weekend Update anchor
Jane Curtin

Like I said in the Round Ten summary, Curtin was one of the earliest (replacing Chevy Chase behind the desk), one of the longest-running (80 episodes, tied for third most all-time), and simply one of the best anchors ever on Saturday Night Live. She has a great catchphrase, “Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow,” and that is critical for a quality anchor. She’ll have to bring her “A” game every week, though; unlike other casts (especially Alan’s), my team is a little weak at Update commentaries. Thank the heavens above for Darrell Hammond.

Overall, I’m very pleased. Is this the perfect cast? Of course not, but no cast ever will. The Gumby Lounge Singers, though, has to be considered one of the favorites to win the Fantasy SNL League.

This email was sent by Rob to the others the morning after the draft.

So, Good morning, bitches. (No offense intended; I use that term scientifically, as I will explain below.) I hope you’ve slept off your draft-induced hangovers and are now staring, groggily, at your poor excuse for a cast, wondering what in God’s name you were thinking. Because your cast sucks. At least, from the scientific standpoint.

Science is that wonderful arbiter of objectivity. (Objectivity is that wonderful trait that helps us avoid, say, picking Chris Elliot when Bill Murray is still available.) Science is based on fact and observation. Using the SNL web site, I was able to download a series of facts about each of the cast members: number of seasons on the cast, number of guest appearances, number of repeating characters, and number of impressions performed. Using these stats, I devised a formula to generate each player’s objective “power ranking.”

The formula is weighted, so that some factors matter more (i.e. if you’re on the cast for just one season, you’re not getting ranked very high, no matter how many impressions you can do).

Based on this formula, the top ten cast members include: Phil Hartman (#1 power ranking), Will Ferrell, Darrell Hammond, Dana Carvey, Tim Meadows, Jon Lovitz, and Jan Hooks. Each of these had a power ranking of 78 or higher. (Galen — your side bet was a sucker’s bet.)

Now, although only a few of these are emotional fan favorites, please remember, science knows best. Many emotional favorites are near the top of the list, to be sure, so they get their due. But it’s true that some founding cast members tend to trail some of the more recent cast members, perhaps because their lust for Hollywood, cocaine, or the grave led them to leave the show too early, and thus not develop the “power” of, say, a Horatio Sanz.

Some of the worst are: Peter Akroyd (1.5 power score), Chris Elliot (a 3.5 score) and Sarah Silverman (a 4.5 score) — sorry, Jason. For reference, Gilbert Gottfried is scored at 4.5. So you can see, the rankings do work. But some of our favorites are these cellar dwellers. Drafting favorites, or hiring a cast member because you wish you could fuck her, can lead to very low power rankings, and herpes.

So, how did we do? Not so good. Galen’s number-one overall pick, John Belushi, had a power ranking of 23. The number two pick overall, Charles’ Eddie Murphy, had a power ranking of 40. My pick, number three overall, was Chevy Chase with a power ranking of 31. Clearly, Billy Beane we’re not.

By this formula, each cast’s combined power ranking is (in draft order):
Galen: 408.5

Galen’s cast is, from the first pick, mid-level players. Not until he drafts Jan Hooks (his third selection) does he sniff the top ten. Don Novello (#63) was picked at least two rounds too early. Amazingly, Galen left plenty of firepower on the table with each pick. I’ll admit it. He rattled me. I could not imagine what he was thinking. I suppose he was aiming for a funny, rather than powerful, cast. Weird. What saved his bacon were the late picks of Fred Amisen (power ranking of 26) and Maya Rudolph (power ranking of 18) in the late rounds. Tina Fey (#60 overall, #5 anchor) for news was a solid, although not spectacular, choice.
Charles: 472

Now, clearly, Charles knows this shit cold. He’s obviously participated in many mock drafts before, and he was ready to intimidate. After Galen’s pick of John Belushi for #1 overall, Charles lets Galen know: “YOU FUCKED UP!!!” Indeed, Galen did. But then so did Charles. His pick, for #2 overall, was Eddie Murphy — a top 50 candidate, to be sure, but he ignored Phil Hartman (power ranking #1). Charles proceeds to load up from the top tier of the power rankings: Murray (#21), Lovitz (#8 power ranking), and later Hammond (#4) and Piscopo (#26). But he’s picking with heart, not his brain. A man of science would have cherry-picked Hammond before Murray. And later he picks Stiller (#74), who apparently stored up his power-ranking for his own TV show. After the 4th round selection of Nora Dunn (#34), Charles thought Kristen Wiig (#82) was the best woman left — forgetting that Tina Fey (#60) was still available as an actress. Or maybe he had the yips: Julia-Louis Dreyfus (#52), Ana Gasteyer (#12), Julia Sweeney (#49), Amy Poehler (#13), and Rachel Dratch (#11) were all available when he made his boneheaded Ben Stiller pick. But overall, Charles’ cast is one of the strongest.
(I’ll save myself for last.)
Alan: 257

From the very first — Al Franken (#37) — Alan dug himself into the cellar. It was yet another first-round selection that let #1 Phil Hartman slide. Luckily, Dan Ackroyd (#18) and Laraine Newman (#36) were huge finds lingering in the third and fourth rounds, but Alan followed those good discoveries with draft dodgers Harry Shearer (#58) and A. Whitney Brown (#71). Harry Shearer makes sense if you follow up with Christopher Guest and get some Spinal Tap skits out of it, but A. Whitney Brown in the sixth round? Hammond, Meadows, Crystal and Piscopo were all still available. (And Hammond and Meadows were still sitting at the presumed lottery picks’ table, looking more and more forlorn, their mommas crying into their big hats, as minor role take their guaranteed salaries. A travesty.) Alan does show good sense in picking up Dennis Miller in the second round, #10 overall. A good choice, because aside from his low overall score (#71) as he’s the #2 news anchor in the entire draft. I had planned on taking Miller with my first round pick, until I saw that Galen and Charles left Chevy Chase (#31 overall, #1 anchor) for the pickings. Alan mops up with Gross and Vance — both going in garbage rounds as expected — but Alan loses all sense by picking O’Donoghue (#105) in the final round, with a dozen more powerful players undrafted.
T. Mike: 534

The crazy-eye killa of this draft. He knew that, by his draft position, he’d get consecutive picks. Therefore, he could pick up any matched pair. And he got the #1 duo on the table: Myers (#15) and Carvey (#5). I’m sure he picked them in reverse power-ranking order just to fuck with our heads. Then, he picks up an all-star top-fifty supporting cast: Farley (#26), Sandler (#28), Schneider (#44), and somehow finds top-ten pick Horation Sanz (#10) in the sixth. Once the men are secured, he turns his steely-yet-crazy-eyed gaze upon the women: Jackson (#51), Gasteyer (#13), and Duke (#66). Please note that T. Mike did not make a selection below the top 66, while one of y’all bitches dipped below #66 four times — twice below 100. Who might that be?
Jason: 337.5

Jason, who claimed at the start to be the most unprepared, proved true to his word. After a making us all look dumb with his first selection, Phil Hartman (#1), Jason stank up the joint with Chris Elliot (#108). Chris Rock (#45) was a poor third-round pick, given the talent left. Martin Short (#56), Christopher Guest (#79), and Sarah Silverman (#103) were all picked a round or two too early. What’s going on? Have we found our Billy Beane? No, clearly not, as he picks the loathesome Brian Doyle-Murray (#75) and even worse Kevin Nealon (#7 anchor) for the news desk. Amy Poehler (#20) in the last round would have been an inspired selection, if it had in fact been inspired, rather than desperately picking the first remaining female cast member Galen could name.
Rob: 733

You see, you’re all my bitches. Scientifically speaking, of course.

My plan was to lock in the best newscaster I could first, and then build a cast around that. I expected to settle happily for Dennis Miller, but as I said Galen rattled me, but I was able to recover and select Chevy Chase (#1 news anchor) in the first round. I took Will Ferrell (#2) in the second round, and Chris Kattan (#4) in the third — a choice that everyone thought was mind-bogglingly dumb. (His nearly 100 power points, combined with Will Ferrell’s and Tim Meadows’ (#7), by themselves beats Jason’s total cast score.) I was playing to win, bitches. I doubled up on Chase as actor — a dumb move, considering who was left: Sanz, Farley, Hammond, et al. My heart was pounding with the excitement, and doubtless all that blood it sent into my brain was having some affect on my logic and reason. I knew that drafting Spade (#29) was like trading for Sprewell — the fans will hate the move, but his 47 points were sorely needed. Then I added Cheri Oteri (#22) for the Spartan Cheerleader skit (I half expected Charles to block me on that). Then I saw Meadows (#6) was still available, so I got them too. Molly Shannon (#19) and Rachel Dratch (#11) and were also highly-ranked undrafted players, so I mopped up with them. In the garbage round, somehow Jimmy Fallon (#8 overall, 90 power points) was standing there, hat in hand, so I grabbed him. Again, my last four selections beat Alan’s total combined cast score.
Now, secure in the knowledge of your bitchiness, you may be asking “These power rankings do, indeed, reveal heretofore unseen truths about the casts. But could they be improved?” Absolutely, but only in the context of the casts themselves. For instance, while my cast is entirely all-stars, what if they don’t gel?

T. Mike’s cast is, in fact, the cast whose parts fit together the best. This can be easily shown by listing all of the skits that his cast can perform — i.e. Mike Myers + Dana Carvey = Wayne’s World. And along these lines, Charles’ cast could too be a contender for the best cast.

The next step for these rankings is for me to generate a list of all skits and all cast members, and determine the total number of known skits that can be performed by each cast. Popular or funny skits will be weighted more highly than unpopular or unfunny skits.

Then, we’ll really see who’s the bitch here. Scientifically speaking, that is.
— Rob

This is the response to Jason and Charles’ responses to “SNL Draft – the morning after” email. The relevant portions of their responses are quoted within this email.

To my bitches Jason and Charles,

I expected something like this. Anger, vitriol, personal attacks. Such is the lot of the Scientist, bearing the light of truth to the world. Like a missionary bearing an altogether different kind of truth, you run at me with your spears, you tie me to the stake, you set your lions upon me. However, unlike those missionaries, I can use my Science and her collected Truths to build a force-field and deathray, fuck y’all up good, and eat some well-broiled lion meat for lunch.

Yes, I expected a reaction not unlike ignorant primitive natives hooting in fear at a flashlight. Truth is, my sweet bitches. I took a pattern of seemingly random data, data that you (in the mists of your ignorance) could only assemble into order by personal preference, and arranged it according to the hidden but undeniable order that Science, in her sweet benevolence, revealed.

Most of us have hardly given SNL a glance in recent years. The draft was doubtless biased towards the cast members of our youth. I aimed to rectify that, with Science.

Like some ancient cro-mag trying to make sense of a comet, you simply applied your personal experience and called what you saw fire, when in fact it was the coldest of space-ice streaming steam into the void. Your seemingly red-hot Martin Shorts and Chris Elliots are nothing more than that, my sweet bitches: hot air. I would no more assemble them into a cast than shove Science’s sweet flashlight of truth up my own rectum.

Speaking of which, Jason said:

Billy Crystal 27.5
Tim Kazurinsky 29
Al Franken 38
Martin Short 21
Kevin Nealon 74.5
Mike Myers 72.5

These are numbers we trust? Kazurinsky trumps Crystal? Franken is
nearly twice the cast member of Short? Nealon is slightly better
than Myers?

I'm afraid, dear Rob, the only bitch here is the one that soaked
that strap-on in liquid crack before she fucked you with it.

Jason, you ignorant slut. So much must be explained to you. Please, I beg of you, stop shoving dirt into your orifices and listen to me.

Science straps on 8″ inches of pure fact. Take solace in the knowledge that you’re not the first to feel her gentle, truthful caresses, which to your pig-ignorant mind feels like a rough ass-fucking. You’d best bear down like you’re taking a shit, brother, because when Science pushes in, it’s not stopping until its entire hot load of Truth has been deposited. I assume it will be deposited in your bowels, despite the more obvious utility to your brain.

First, you neglected to account for the margin of error. I elided it from the original discussion, under the assumption that each of you would perform such a simple calculation in your head while reading the document. However, as is now clear, performing simple sums on your fingers is a skill you lack. From this it’s clear that simple everyday Science, like the beautiful geometric topology of How To Tie Your Shoes, escapes you.

How do you survive? I watch you all with fascination, as you run about your daily lives as beheaded chickens jog about the barnyard. I don’t quite know how you do it, but I can say this: I am going to try to be off the roads when I know you are driving.

My apologies, I did not intend a diversion comprised of an honest, frank and unemotional assessment of your qualities. I simply meant to state that, within the margin of error, yes, TK > BC.

And please take note: although this is the revealed Truth today, as we are able to refine both our data and our formula, this revealed Truth may itself be revealed as falsehood. This, of course, is the way of Science. I don’t expect you to understand it, my sweet but ignorant bitches, and I expect you will now attack me, saying that I am using Science to bulwark any argument as I see fit. However, it remains Truth, too, that you’re ignorant pig-fuckers, unworthy of speaking her name.

It’s hardly worth my time explaining it in a way that you can understand. I would draw you a chart, but as you have no paper or pencils in this dump you call your home, and as I can only draw so many charts and diagrams with my finger in the dirt floors you use for both writing and excreting on, I hardly expect any Truth to sink into your ignorance-hardened melons.

Charles said:

You can't just take years of service without any modifiers... Also,
impressions are easier than original characters to create, thus
skewing the rankings in favor of the impersonators (Hammond,
Carver, Hartman, et al.)...And no value for "Best Of" DVDs?
Having a DVD should garner points, and more points the better
it sells.

Charles: I fully agree that the formula could use some refinement. Indeed, I was hoping to spark a discussion on that very topic, rather than simply hold myself up for public ridicule. To be clear, I was hoping for both, not just the one. Certainly, I accept the ridicule as any who attempts to bring The Way to a group of mindlessly ignorant pig-fuckers as yourselves.

Regardless, you seem to be somewhat less both pig-ignorant and pig-fucking than your fellows (who have responded with either vitriol or deaf-and-dumb silence), so let us now speak of the maths. You do know the maths, don’t you?

Using your concepts combined with my own, I propose the following formula:

score = (A x m1) + (B x m2) + (C x m3) + (D x m4) + (E x m5) + (F x m6)

where

A = number of seasons in the cast
B = number of guest appearances
C = number of characters performed
D = number of impressions performed
E = number of SNL DVDs released under cast member’s name
F = number of repeating skits cast member was a player in

and where the other factors, Scientifically known as the “mustard factorials,” are:

m1 = 2.5
m2 = 3.5
m3 = 1
m4 = 1.25
m5 = 4
m6 = 2

So that, a cast member’s DVD release is worth the most of all; a guest appearance, which must mean someone likes you, is worth nearly as much; and years of service count less, as do repeating skits. Appearing in skits or as repeating characters is worth something, too, so those on the cast who performed less would receive fewer points overall. Also, there are other potential variables to consider: sales figures (total units sold) for said DVDs, and number of awards won as staff members.

If you have somehow managed to read this far without hurting yourself in the brain, my bitches, I hereby open the floor — for debate only, please, Jason, stop crapping in the corner — to discussion on this valuable topic.

I am, sincerely, yours in Science.

Eight strong rounds, and I drop the ball in the ninth. Ugh. Luckily, my tenth round is set for me; I have to pick a newscaster, and I have my pick of what’s left. I should be able to survive this.

According to our guidelines, it’s set in stone what category people will pick from: Jason and T. Mike need to choose a woman, while Galen, Rob and Alan will select a man. The only question is whom they choose.

T. Mike Childs selects Robin Duke

Not really a BAD choice, but not an inspired choice, either. It’s a selection that justifies Galen’s Top Chick Gambit in the early rounds. Duke is fine for secondary roles, and she did a great job with the “Mr. and Mrs. T’s Bloody Mary Mix” sketch. Maybe that’s exactly what he’s looking for.

Well, T. Mike? Is that what you’re looking for?:

Round 10. I got nothing. NOTHING. I needs one mo womans, and I gots NOTHING. The last name on my female list? Robin Duke. Sigh. Whatever. Take it, slink off, and console yourself with Wayne’s World, it’s party time, it’s excellent. Man, I can’t believe Alan took Mary Gross. I thought surely, SURELY, I can get Mary Gross. Julia Louise-Dreyfuss? Please. She got funny AFTER leaving SNL.

–T. Mike Childs

I don’t think Robin Duke is a whatever/slink-off kind of pick, but that’s just me. Jason has his own opinion on this pick, but I’m not going to add it to this summary. Let’s just say it has to do with Robin Duke and her stupid fucking horse face. Oh, maybe I did add it to this summary. Never mind.

Speaking of Jason, I wonder how he’ll screw this up now. If he tries to select Don Knotts in a dress, I may have to check out airfare prices, just so I can fly to L.A. and punch him in the neck.

Jason Torchinsky selects Amy Poehler

A great pick, especially for the tenth round. I was just about to congratulate him, but then Galen admitted he made the pick for Jason. Oh well, at least he’s through drafting, right?

Amy Poehler is primed to be one of the stars of the new season. She’s still a co-anchor on Weekend Update, and she has a bevy of characters and impressions at her disposal. Personally, I think she’s too hammy, but that makes this pick even better for Jason.

(Note: In the time between the draft and the posting of this round summary, there have been two episodes of the new SNL season, and they’re working hard to make Amy Poehler THE star of the show. I mean, she’s in EVERYTHING! There are only three women on the show, and she’s muscled them out of the picture. Even Maya Rudolph! And no, I’m not just saying this because I picked Kristen Wiig (who did get a bigger role in the second show) in the eighth round. Let’s get these other cast members some more face-time!)

Alan Benson selects Michael O’Donoghue

That’s a fun choice. Fun, like a prom date’s veneral disease, am I right, people? But I kid the O’Donoghue. He does have the distinction of being in the very first sketch on Saturday Night Live, and his style of humor added that edge to SNL that everyone looks back at fondly.

Alan’s take on O’Donoghue:

I’ll leave the last round, Mister Mike, by just saying that there’s far too little so-creepy-it’s-funny stuff on modern-day TV. Also, he’s Irish, so expect lots of drunken punch-ups with Shane MacGowan (my bandleader) on Saturday Night Alan.

–Alan Benson

Bandleaders! I completely forgot about bandleaders! Dammit. Okay, Alan calls MacGowan (of the Pogues, if you didn’t know) and finishes his cast.

Rob Terrell selects Jimmy Fallon

What’s funny about this pick is I don’t think Rob could pick Jimmy Fallon out of a line-up if he had to. Fallon was definitely a fan-favorite in his years at SNL, either behind the desk with Tina Fey on Update or in his dorm room hosting a talk show with Horatio Sanz.

Yes, he would have been a better pick than Ben Stiller for me, too. Shut up. I’m over that now. You’re just trying to get into my head. Well, it won’t work. Because there’s only one choice to make here. I need a newscaster, and I’m taking the best available.

Charles Rempel selects Jane Curtin (news anchor)

Okay, you DID almost rattle me, because at the last moment I was debating about that mumblemouth Colin Quinn becoming my anchor. In the end, there was never a doubt. Jane Curtin was one of the earliest (replacing Chevy Chase behind the desk), one of the longest-running (80 episodes, tied for third most all-time), and simply one of the best. Either as a solo anchor or teamed with Dan Aykroyd or Bill Murray, she’ll give my Weekend Update anchor seat some much-needed class. Plus, she has a great catchphrase: “Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.” You gotta love that in your final pick.

So now I have both parts (actor and anchor) of Jane Curtin, and I saved my draft. Hooray!

Galen, let’s end this draft of a high note.

Galen Black selects Terry Sweeney

You won’t hear a bad word from me here. Terry Sweeney is the only SNL cast member I ever met, and I think that holds true for every member of the Van Gogh-Goghs (we met him at the Big Stinkin’ Festival in Austin, Texas, one year). He was super-friendly, and even had questions about our group (he researched us through our little ol’ website).

Now, because of this meeting, I don’t know if I’ve softened my thoughts on Sweeney or not. I remember he had a high energy throughout his time at SNL, and he did a very good Nancy Reagan impression. If he weren’t there during the Anthony Michael Hall year, things might have been different. Or not. Like I say, I may be biased now.

So let this be a little lesson to you Hollywood phonies out there: be nice to your fans.

Here’s Galen’s take:

I had the final choice of the night and I threw the choice away. I have big plans for Terry Sweeney, but I could have made a better choice. Tracy Morgan was still on the list and I passed him over to take Sweeney, because men in drag are funny and there aren’t many of the SNL cast who do female impersonation better. He still has the best Nancy Reagan impersonation of any of the SNL Alum.

–Galen Black

You can’t use him as a Sweeney Sister, Galen. Get that thought out of your head right now.

Round Ten recap

First, remind me to pick a bandleader. That idea by Alan was primo.

The end seemed a bit anti-climactic, didn’t it? After Alan taking Al Franken in the first round and my bumbling in the ninth, not to mention all of Jason’s nutjob moves, the final round was a little too safe. Jason and Rob got solid actors and I got a premier newscaster. Alan and Galen went sentimental, and T. Mike just decided to grab any girl and end this painful charade.

Our full rosters, with each Van Gogh-Gogh weighing in on his cast, will be posted in the next few days. Tell us who you think has the best cast, and the worst cast. Who made the dumbest move of the draft? The shrewdest?

Stay tuned… the Fantasy SNL League is just beginning!

Only two rounds left! Twelve picks to go! How will the teams stack up? Who’s going to make the big blunder this round (Jason or Alan)? Is anyone even reading this anymore?

When you’re ready, Galen.

Galen Black selects Fred Armisen

You know, at first I didn’t think much of Armisen. I saw him as one of the featured players that never makes the leap to full cast member. He had a character or two, but I never saw him becoming one of the leads.

Time has a way of making us look foolish. Armisen has become one of the main reasons to watch SNL this year. Good impressions, strong characters and solid support work have made him a steal in the ninth round for Galen.

Galen will now give his thoughts on his last two picks:

My 8th and 9th choice of the night skewed a bit younger than my previous choices, I mixed things up a bit by going to the new cast to finish off my female picks and take my next to last male pick. Maya Rudolph and Fred Armisen were my late round hopefuls. I knew most of the Van Gogh-Goghs were pretty ignorant when it came to the newer cast, so I figured I could get these two performers without any problems. Maya brings me lots of current pop culture female impersonations and Armisen is one of the funniest people on today’s cast. Expect to see Fericito and the Lundford Twins alternating every other week on my show and a Steve Jobs sketch at least every 4th episode.

–Galen Black

Good points, Galen. This also helps to strengthen the weak male side of Team Black. With a strong showing in the tenth, he just may have a heck of a team.

Now it’s my turn. And honestly, I’m a little panicked. I have totally forgotten who my male pick was going to be. No clue. It was in my head a minute ago, I’m sure! Now, if I weren’t so panicky, I would just pick my newscaster now and wait another round. That’s not going to happen. I’m jittery, I keep muttering that the newscaster comes last, I’m racking my brain…

And one of my two-year-olds cries. SAVED! I tell the boys I have to go check on John and I run over to the bedroom. My wife is already there, telling me she’ll take care of it, but my mind is racing so fast, trying to figure out whom I want in the ninth round, I just stare blankly and nod. Slowly, I turn… and walk back to the computer. I’m stumped. The little break didn’t jog my memory, and T. Mike’s talking trash about using my boys as an excuse. I quickly look for the biggest name and I pull the trigger.

Charles Rempel selects Ben Stiller

Yes, I know, only one year on the show. Yes, I know, he didn’t hit the heights until after he was on Saturday Night Live. But I have a strong cast so far, especially with my dudes, so I don’t have to get a lot from this pick. Stiller has a likable quality and a Tom Cruise impression in his bag of SNL tricks, and Tom Cruise is very popular to mock nowadays, and I can milk that gag like the real show, and he can…

Wait a minute. CRAP!

TRACY MORGAN! IT WAS TRACY MORGAN! I WAS GOING TO TEAM HIM WITH EDDIE MURPHY AND I’D HAVE BRIAN FELLOW AND ASTRONAUT JONES AND HIS 40+ IMPRESSIONS AND ARRRRRGGGHHH I AM SO STUPID AND I FEEL NAUSEOUS AND I WANT TO CRY! DO OVER! DO OVER! DO OVER! WAAAAAAAH! WHY?!? WHY AM I SUCH AN IDIOT?!?

Luckily, this draft was done through iChat, not live. My poker face remains intact. But if anyone picks Tracy Morgan, I’m going to puke.

Let me breathe into this paper sack for a moment. Rob, make your pick.

Rob Terrell selects Rachel Dratch

Rachel Dratch was definitely on my short list for women castmembers. Unlike others I could name, Dratch’s characters had more depth, more nuances, and weren’t just a variation of Dratch herself. I know Rob’s gotta be happy about this pick.

(Note: Did anyone else see the “Law and Order” episode from this season with Nora Dunn? When did she turn into Penny Marshall? If this draft took into account anything but their SNL careers, I would start to regret picking Dunn over Dratch. I mean, how many “Laverne and Shirley” parodies can you do in 2006?)

Alan Benson selects Danitra Vance

I… I don’t know anything about her! I know she was on SNL for a year and all, but… I don’t think I’ve ever seen her perform. I heard she died, although I don’t think she died of AIDS, like other people keep telling me. I got nothing here. Was she better than Julia Sweeney? Or Amy Poehler?

Don’t know what else to say, except considering who’s drafting, I’m not that surprised.

Jason Torchinsky selects Julia Sweeney

Finally, someone’s drafted Pat.

The first time I saw “It’s Pat,” I thought it was very funny. And the second time, a little less so. Then, the next dozen times, I wondered how many times can they do the same sketch? Well, that “Single White Female” parody was pretty good. But Pat is a hall-of-fame SNL character, right?

Julia Sweeney’s more than just Pat, though. I’m shocked that she’s lasted this long. And it was Jason who was smart enough to pick her. Weird, huh?

T. Mike Childs selects Ana Gasteyer

I’m still upset about this whole Ben Stiller/Tracy Morgan business. I can’t think straight. T. Mike, just tell us why you selected Gasteyer:

Round 9: I’ve filled my male slots and news slots. I needs me women!!! Another long wait for me as the snake bites my ass now: All the decent women are getting snapped up left and right. Molly Shannon! Maya Rudolph! Rachel Dratch! Julia Sweeney! Even Mary Gross was taken! What’s left?! Doh!!! Quick, to IMDB! Panic, panic, panic, Surely there must be someone left?! Someone I’ve heard of?! Ah! Ana Gasteyer! Please, don’t let her get taken!!!! Yes, I get Ana. Phew. A decent female cast member to atone for the sentimental Victoria Jackson pick.

–T. Mike Childs

Great explanation, jackass. Well. Let me just say that Ana Gast… fuck it, let’s just end this round, okay?

Round Nine recap

Who was the bonehead this round? Me. I’m sick to my stomach. In fact, I don’t want to recap shit right now. Go away. Goodbye.

I’m sorry. It’s just the draft was going so well for me. Hey, Alan picked Danitra Vance over Julia Sweeney and Amy Poehler. That was dumb, right? Isn’t that dumber?

No, it’s not dumber. Maybe as dumb, but not dumber. Or is it? Rats. I’ve got no perspective anymore. Gotta get my head right. I’ll do better in Round Ten. Promised.

It’s getting late in the draft, and pressure’s on to find the hidden gold left in the available pool. The Van Gogh-Goghs are getting a little punchy now; the East Coast members are sleepy (it’s around midnight) and the West Coast members are starving. Something’s gotta give.

T. Mike Childs selects Horatio Sanz

When I told people about our Saturday Night Live fantasy draft, I’d ask people whom they liked, and I got a lot of answers. A frequent response was, “I have a soft spot for Horatio Sanz.” The weird thing? If someone mentioned Sanz, they always mentioned they had a soft spot for him. No other cast member was qualified with “soft spot,” and Sanz was never described without “soft spot.” Interesting, huh? I thought so.

T. Mike will now enlighten us about Horatio Sanz:

Round 8: I foolishly, offhandedly had asked Galen if there were any Not Ready for Prime Timers left. Simultaneously we realized the answer just as I realize I needs me a black man! Garrett Morris or Tim Meadows? Tough choice. Meadows was on for freakin EVER. But Morris has original cast cachet. My foolish question comes before Galen’s pick, and he snags Garrett Morris! Dammit, I’m the ONLY ONE besides that idiot Jason without a Not Ready for Prime Time Player! Fudge!!! Okay, time to punt: Tim Meadows- he’s a solid, flexible, ensemble player, just the type to work well with the big egos and more flamboyant personalities. Then Rob scoops my black man again!!! Aw hell. Now what? Danitra Vance? Ellen Cleghorne? What am I, an idiot? Ok, so no black people, time to punt: Hispanic Horatio Sanz. Also, I heard he’s funny.

–T. Mike Childs

There it is again, the fat and/or ethnic requirement. I think Galen and T. Mike got to talking together. That’s never a good thing.

Personally, I never got Sanz. If I wanted to see someone break character and laugh during sketches, I would check my local listings for old episodes of “The Carol Burnett Show.” Harvey Korman’s a better laugher. Then again, I don’t get this new comedy everyone keeps talking about. (Hiking my pants to my nipples) And keep those damn kids off my lawn!

Jason Torchinsky selects Kevin Nealon (news anchor)

So Jason says, “This is going to be unconventional…”

Oh wow. NOW it’s unconventional. I can’t wait to hear this one.

“As my newscaster…”

Okay, we’re bracing ourselves.

“Gilbert Gottfried.”

Now there’s a rule we have that states your newscaster has to have been an anchor on Weekend Update. Plain and simple, no hard words. Gilbert Gottfried has never been an anchor. Unlike The Doyle-Murray debate, this is easier to prove. There are websites devoted to Weekend Update anchors. Gottfried is on no anchor list. The pick was vetoed.

“I’ll go with my backup then. Kevin Nealon.”

How low must Kevin Nealon feel right now? He’s the second choice, after the AFLAC duck. Mr. Subliminal, porno movie reviews, solid teleprompter reading skills, and he plays second fiddle to an imbecile who was never an anchor. Well, at least Jason has his newscaster requirement complete.

Alan Benson selects Tim Kazurinsky

Okay, like everyone else in Alan’s cast, Tim Kazurinsky has the Weekend Update bits. Dr. Jack Badofsky’s sign gags, yes yes yes. Let’s continue to build up the newscast.

But Kazurinsky also brings some underrated characters to the party, and everyone could use an actor that can play tough guys as well as his nebbish bread-and-butter (don’t think he played any tough guys? What about Forrest Gregg and Ozzy Osbourne? Yeah, surprising, huh?).

Rob Terrell selects Molly Shannon

SUPERSTAR!!

Molly Shannon was one of the bigger stars in the mid-‘90s, with recurring characters coming out the wazoo (and one, Mary Katherine Gallagher, getting her own movie). I was surprised at the number of impressions she had (32). That’s a nice bonus.

Why did she last until the eighth round? I don’t have a clue. I knew I wanted Jane Curtin and I had to get Nora Dunn to block Galen, and of course, my super-sleeper female cast member coming soon. Also, I hate that character that sits on the couch on the talk show and screams, “IloveitIloveitILOVEIT!!” Like an ice pick in the brain for me. But that’s just me.

Still, it’s a great pick for Rob. It gives him another strong woman to work with.

Charles Rempel selects Kristen Wiig

With Jason’s selection of Kevin Nealon, I have become the last one to select a newscaster. With that in mind, I’m going to wait until the last round to name my anchor. That moves my two super-sleepers up a round.

Now I have forgotten for the moment my super-secret male cast member, so I’m jumping ahead with the female sleeper: Kristen Wiig. She’s starting her second season on SNL this year, and I think she’s primed for a breakout season. I saw some great impressions from her last year, so I know she’s got talent, and with only two other women in the cast, she should have her share of roles. Plus, I now have a rooting interest in the current cast (well, I have Darrell Hammond, too, but he’s established; Kristen’s the new kid).

(Note: in the time between the draft and the posting of this entry, Saturday Night Live has had its season premiere. And… my girl Kristen didn’t get a lot of PT. Does Amy Poehler HAVE to be in everything? Seriously, give my girl some reps! Let’s make it a Wiig Party, aw yeah!)

Galen Black selects Maya Rudolph

Galen went with the new cast but a more-established name. So he has a rooting interest in this year’s cast, too. That’s nice; I’ll have someone to talk with about the show.

Rudolph’s eight seasons have produced a lot of impressions and characters, but Galen really likes that Megan character because, just like Megan, Galen always had an unrequited crush on the cutest boys in high school.

Are you reading these round summaries, Galen? Man, I hope not.

Round Eight recap

Three women, two men, one newscaster, and one dumbass move by Jason thwarted… sounds like a good round to me!

Two more cast members from this season have been selected (and three overall). Galen and I have met our three-women requirements, while the other Van Gogh-Goghs have one or two to go. Expect a LOT of ladies to go in the next round.

Surprised with some of these picks? Who is still out there, much to your chagrin? Why am I having trouble remembering my male super-sleeper pick? Do you remember it? Please tell me if you do.