Fantasy drafts are a lot like drinking and boxing: the more rounds you go, the greater your chance of brain damage. Don’t believe me? Well, maybe the Van Gogh-Goghs’ Round Five selections can convince you.

Galen Black selects Don Novello

There’s a very good chance that you have no idea who Don Novello is. I’m sure, however, you have heard of his most famous character: Father Guido Sarducci.

Galen has his Weekend Update newscaster, Tina Fey, and two of the three women picked already. He’s working on the Top Chick Gambit, and then instead of picking the strongest woman left, he goes after a one-trick pony.

And if you’re going to draft Don Novello at all, why in the fifth round? There’s Adam Sandler on the board, and Billy Crystal and Darrell Hammond and Jane Curtin and about thirty other performers who give your team more flexibility than Father Guido Sarducci.

Maybe Galen can add some insight. What say you, Mr. Black?

I chose Don Novello or more specifically I chose Father Guido Sarducci. Yes this man is a one trick pony, but what a trick. He was one of the earliest standout re-occurring characters and everyone loves the good father. Not a deep player, but solid in his position. I knew he wouldn’t last through the next two rounds and I wanted him. But I admit I jumped the gun here, especially with Billy Crystal, Harry Shearer, Adam Sandler, Joe Piscopo, and Christopher Guest still on the table.

–Galen Black

He knew Novello wouldn’t last through the next two rounds? Really? Did I misjudge the Van Gogh-Goghs that badly? I know Jason is capable of anything, but it looks like he righted his ship, so who would pick Don Novello before Galen at the end of the sixth round or beginning of the seventh. This is Galen’s first misstep in the draft.

Charles Rempel selects Jane Curtin

I picked Nora Dunn in the fourth round to block Galen, but Galen also blocked me by picking Jan Hooks in the third. I asked the guys if they wanted to allow trades between teams, but they all said that sounded like too much work. Oh, well, I guess it’s time for the Sweeney Sisters to work on their solo projects.

I see a run on female cast members starting, so I better get the one I want now or risk losing her forever. That’s why I select Jane Curtin, and as a performer, not a newscaster. Curtin is the best “straight man” in my cast now. She has an innate ability to set the mood and boundaries of a sketch and let the other actors break through them. Not that she can’t be a wild and crazy girl, either; for example, I love the nuanced nuttiness of Mrs. Loobner, who can hold her own in the scenes with the spastic nerds played by Bill Murray and Gilda Radner.

I’m really digging this team. I’m getting my newscaster in the last round (and don’t be surprised if I call the above name again), and I got my two super-sleeper picks in the eighth and ninth rounds (I can’t elaborate any more; someone may be listening), so if I can get two top-notch men in the next rounds, I’ll be bouncing off the walls

Rob Terrell selects Cheri Oteri

Rob’s first woman fits perfectly with his previous selections. It’s almost as if they performed together for years in the same cast. Well, all of them but one. I look at this cast and I hear the song, “One of these kids is not like the other…” I can envision backstage of Rob’s show, and Will Ferrell and Chris Kattan and Cheri Oteri are laughing and riffing and Chevy Chase is sitting on a couch, wondering what the hell a Fatboy Slim is.

Our grandparents would call Cheri Oteri a “firecracker.” She has energy to spunk to spare, and her characters give off a sweet wackiness that makes her a fan favorite (although a lot of her characters seem to be on the border on some mental deficiency). With Oteri joining Ferrell, the Cheerleaders are together and ready to rock, Spartan-style!

Alan Benson selects Harry Shearer

I’m not surprised that Harry Shearer has been picked. I’m surprised it’s this early.

Shearer had two tours of duty with SNL, and a lot better success in the second tour with Crystal and Short and Guest and Co. He’s a master of impressions, so Alan’s team does gain a lot of flexibility, and I can see him on Update with a commentary by Mike Wallace, which only strengthens the cast’s Weekend Update. He’ll make a good team with Dan Aykroyd. But with so many actors out there with a greater fan base, is it wise to snag Shearer in the fifth? We’ll see.

Jason Torchinsky selects Sarah Silverman

Jason is the biggest fucking idiot in this draft. Either that, or he just doesn’t give a shit about this. There is not one person in the world that can justify this pick. Even Sarah Silverman would say Jason’s full of shit on this.

I was very explicit before the draft that only the time on Saturday Night Live matters in this contest. After Jason picked Chris Elliott in the second, we went over it again. So why would he pick a woman who did NOTHING on the show?!?

The New Yorker, in a piece about Sarah Silverman, claims she only got one of her own sketches through to the dress rehearsal, and that it got cut before the live show. She was nothing but background, scenery, a woman to play someone’s date. She was totally underused and underappreciated on the show, and we all know it, but the fact remains that she did nothing on the show, and thus CANNOT HELP JASON’S CAST AT ALL.

Jason rationalized it by saying how hot she is and that his whole demographic probably has erections constantly after midnight; to back his “theory,” he sent via IM a bunch of sexy Sarah Silverman photos. Yes, I think she’s attractive. Thank you for the photos. I’m sure I can find some special use for them.

But Jason, you’re an ass.

The Chris Elliott pick is still worse, but this is close. It’s a shame Jason didn’t join us for the draft; I think he would have liked it.

T. Mike, wash this bitter taste out of my mouth, por favor.

T. Mike Childs selects Victoria Jackson

Well, it’s not the worst pick of the fifth round, that’s for sure.

I never understood the appeal of Victoria Jackson. All her characters and impressions seemed the same. Am I wrong? Some people would say I am, and that’s fine, it’s a free country (at least for a couple more hours). Every year she came back to the cast, I just shook my head and wondered what I was missing. Maybe T. Mike can shed some light on this.

The Gospel According to T. Mike;

Round 5: I need a woman! A good one! And most on my ill-researched, all-too-short list are gone! The standout? Mainstay Victoria Jackson. I could have done better, but I haven’t been watching much the last decade and couldn’t even tell you the names of the men, much less the women. Mistake one.

–T. Mike Childs

Now that’s a ringing endorsement.

Round Five recap

It was the Round of the Woman, with four female cast members selected (and three of them actually performed for Saturday Night Live!). Curtin and Oteri are solid picks, Jackson is a question mark, and the Silverman pick just makes me mad.

With half of the draft completed, you can get a good sense of each cast’s strengths and weaknesses:

Galen: John Belushi, Gilda Radner, Jan Hooks, Tina Fey (news), and Don Novello.

Galen has a great newscaster and two very talented women. His biggest weakness is on the men’s side of the equation. Belushi can’t do this alone. Look for Galen to start grabbing the biggest male stars left, people like Adam Sandler.

Charles: Eddie Murphy, Bill Murray, Jon Lovitz, Nora Dunn, and Jane Curtin.

My performers are mucho talented, regardless of whether their genitalia are internal or external. I have yet to address my Weekend Update slot, and I could use a top-notch impersonator. I hope to pick Darrell Hammond in the sixth round, and then I should be in great shape.

Rob: Chevy Chase (news), Will Ferrell, Chris Kattan, Chevy Chase, and Cheri Oteri.

Rob’s in great shape, too. He’s got one of the best news anchors, and two charismatic leading men. He’s got great supporting players and a lot of characters to work with. He could use a good impersonator, too, and some ladies that complement Oteri. I sure hope Rob enlightens us about his scientific method, because so far it’s working nicely.

Alan: Al Franken, Dennis Miller (news), Dan Aykroyd, Laraine Newman, and Harry Shearer.

Alan has definitely built his team around Weekend Update. I could see this cast turning into a quasi-“Daily Show” if this trend continues. His desire to get the underappreciated together on one team may not be the best strategy, because if no one appreciated them on other casts, why would we appreciate them collectively. Alan needs some high-energy goofballs (I’m talking actors, not drugs) to give his cast some life.

Jason: Phil Hartman, Chris Elliott, Chris Rock, Martin Short, and Sarah Silverman.

If Jason’s not going to spend any time drafting this cast, I’m not going to waste my time reviewing it. Phil Hartman deserves better, dammit!

T. Mike: Mike Myers, Dana Carvey, Chris Farley, Norm MacDonald (news), and Victoria Jackson.

T. Mike has a great anchor, solid male leads, and top-drawer impressions and characters. His weakness is women (it’s funny because it’s true). I think T. Mike needs to spend the next two picks getting the funniest ladies left.

Agree or disagree with this assessment? Who has the team to beat? Am I blind to my cast’s deficiencies? Do you appreciate Alan’s pack of lovable losers? Are you as pissed off with Jason’s picks as I am? Drop us a comment. I know I sure am curious about what you think.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 3rd, 2006 at 12:00 pm and is filed under Update. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.