Three rounds down, seven to go. There’s a nervous tension in the air. Most of us are now scared to death that we’re going to forget someone, like we did with Dan Aykroyd. I believe the boys at Jason’s house just had a shot of Southern Comfort, so let’s give the booze a second to settle before we proceed.

There have only been two women chosen for our casts so far; I don’t know if that says something about the Van Gogh-Goghs or Saturday Night Live. I’m putting the onus (I said “onus,” get your mind out of the gutter) on SNL. It’s been easier for men to break out on the show than women. I don’t think you could really argue against that. Thus, our picking is based on the SNL ability, and not gender, of the cast. Except, of course, for Galen’s Top Chick Gambit. At least his gambit is better than Jason’s King-Doofus Gambit.

I think the alcohol is down and down smoooooth. Let’s begin. T. Mike, you’re on the clock.

T. Mike Childs selects Norm MacDonald (news anchor)

The third newscaster to go in this draft is, and I believe I’m using the term correctly, a “hoot.” MacDonald’s on the short list of the great anchors, no question about it. He added his unique take to the news, unlike so many of the others who read the news in a manner more suitable to late-night news in Charlotte than Studio 8-H. Did you know he’s Chevy Chase’s favorite newscaster (besides himself)? I just learned that myself. Chase said Norm’s the only other one to get it right.

T. Mike had a thought or two about this pick:

My next move? While figuring most folks will still be angling for hot actors, grab my news anchor at the top of round 3. Sometimes I ONLY used to watch SNL for the news! So I appreciate having a good anchor; it’s vital- that’s a weekly bit, a solid 15-20 minutes of the show. So I want the best: Dennis Miller. Yes, yes, yes, he became a horrible parody of himself, but AFTER he left SNL. He was at his snarkiest best doing the SNL news. Well, Alan thought so too, and got him first! Bastard! Time to punt again. But who? Steal the second best snarker from Galen’s list: Norm MacDonald. Like Miller, he’s useless as a sketch actor, but brilliant being himself on the news.

–T. Mike Childs

Still not sold on MacDonald? Consider his most famous theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff. Seems goofy, a little throwaway gag that he never threw away, right? Well, in the 2006 NBA playoffs, German-born Dirk Nowitzki of the Dallas Mavericks won two games in a row with clutch free-throw shooting. When reporters asked him how he was able to focus in such a pressure-filled time, Nowitzki said he relaxes by singing to himself. The song? “Looking for Freedom” by David Hasselhoff. Dismiss Norm MacDonald at your own peril.

Jason Torchinsky selects Martin Short

Martin Short was one of the hired guns of 1984, having already made his mark with Second City’s SCTV. He was only at SNL for one season, but what a season! Ed Grimley was huge, but I was always partial to Jackie Rogers, Jr. If you haven’t seen the “Male Synchronized Swimming” film with Harry Shearer, you might want to do it today; it’s one of the questions they ask you when you’re trying to get into heaven.

Short has that manic energy and precise comic timing that makes his characters connect with the audience (especially if the audience is filled with knuckleheads who have put “writing a summary of a Saturday Night Live fantasy draft” above “sleep” in their to-do lists).

I do find it interesting that Martin Short is picked before Billy Crystal, who was the headliner of that season. Is this a case of reflection, or revisionist history, or just that it’s Jason drafting and who knows what he’s thinking? Inquiring minds want to know.

Alan Benson selects Laraine Newman

An interesting choice to me. Laraine Newman is a talented actress, no question about it, but she never made that mark for her at Saturday Night Live. In her cast, Gilda had the animated characters, Jane Curtin had the prim-and-proper, mothers-and-authority-figures-and-newscaster niche carved out for her, and Laraine was there to… to play the third woman in a sketch? I mean, I can’t think of any recurring character for her, but I can for everyone else in her cast. Using just Saturday Night Live as our guide, I would have passed on her in favor of the Oteris and Shannons and Dratches of the world.

Of course, I could just be an idiot. Alan will now tell us all about Laraine:

Like the last round (Dan Aykroyd), I was kind of surprised to see Laraine Newman available. I mean, she was an original cast member! A Conehead! Featured in the October 1978 Marvel Team-Up! Plus, with both her and Dan Aykroyd in the cast, I could revive the “E. Buzz Miller and Christie Christina” sketches, featuring characters I don’t remember at all!

Honestly, I picked Laraine Newman because she exemplified the ethos of the SNL talented lesser-known. She hustled for the parts she got. Rather than relying on big characters, she cranked out minor parts to support other folks. She was a team player, and goddamit, that’s gotta count for something. For what is America but a team — a team of freedom-loving people, come together in harmony, overlooking our differences for the good of the whole community.

Oh wait, she was in that bigoted Bel-Airabs sketch, wasn’t she? OK, scratch the above.

–Alan Benson

Sure seems plausible enough, doesn’t it? I had put Newman further down my list, just because of her lesser-known original cast ethos mumbo jumbo walla walla bing bang bullshit Alan is talking about. I think Alan is becoming a crotchety old man, thinking that old is good and new is bad. Then again, my most recent cast member so far is Jon Lovitz. Hmm, I better check myself before I wreck myself.

While we’re talking about Laraine Newman, does anyone else remember her show “Canned Film Festival”? She ran a movie theater, and people came by to watch bad movies. It was more in the Elvira vein than Mystery Science Theater 3000. Anyway, all I can remember about the show was one night they showed “The Terror of Tiny Town,” a western done by little people. At one of the breaks, one of the male theater patrons leans forward and begins to badger the man in front of him if he ever wanted to “give a midget a bath.” Yep, there’s another clue into the mystery of “Why My Brains Thinks Weird Things.” Thanks, Laraine.

Rob Terrell selects Chevy Chase

Rob’s database must really like Chevy Chase. When Rob picked Chevy as his Update anchor in Round One, we made it clear that he couldn’t use Newscaster Chase in the sketch portion of his show. Rob’s pick has prevented the Chevy Split (newscaster on one cast, actor on another cast) that I was secretly hoping for.

Chevy was the first star, albeit short-lived. He was only on SNL for a little over a year; in fact, he’s almost been a guest on the show as many times as he was a cast member on the show! The only question is: will the kids of today still find Gerald Ford sexy? Maybe another question should be: did the kids of the late-‘70s find Gerald Ford sexy? And if I may follow up: if they did, does that make you a little queasy? Because it does to me. Well, something is making me queasy. Maybe it’s all these enchiladas I had for lunch.

Charles Rempel selects Nora Dunn

I’ll take Nora Dunn for the block.

There’s no way I was going to let the Sweeney Sisters fall into Galen’s lap, but that’s not the only reason I selected Nora Dunn. Her five years on SNL gave us several solid lead characters (Pat Stevens, anyone?) and impressions (her Martina Navratilova can still crack me up).

Plus, you got to like someone who sticks to her convictions, right? Dunn sat out the Andrew Dice Clay episode, deciding it was better to sit out in protest than to perform and implicitly support misogyny. Nora Dunn’s a talented actress who won’t back down from a fight and who won’t resign herself to play fourth fiddle in this cast.

And did I mention I figured out Galen was going to pick Dunn next and I’m snatching her away? It’s worth mentioning again.

Galen Black selects Tina Fey (news anchor)

Straight from Galen’s mouth to my email:

Your Nora Dunn steal still has me steamed. I knew it was a long shot, but I had her in my sights as round 4 was coming to an end and then I got the Rempel wammy. Damn you, REMPEL!

–Galen Black

See? I got him! I got him pegged! I can read you like a cheap novel, be-OTCH!

So with Nora Dunn gone, Galen decides to seat Tina Fey in the Update anchor chair. Last year, Fey became the longest-running anchor at SNL, with 117 episodes (six more than Dennis Miller and almost forty episodes more than Jimmy Fallon and Jane Curtin). Fey teamed with Jimmy Fallon to replace that mumblemouth Colin Quinn in 2000 and, when Fallon figured he was a big star who was going to make kajillions of dollars making movies (good luck with that, Jimbo), Fey took another lover, I mean “co-anchor,” in the form of Amy Poehler.

I liked Tina Fey’s delivery and timing. She may be my favorite newscaster, or at least right there with Dennis Miller. It’s a good pick, and it keeps the Top Chick Gambit alive.

Round Four recap

The run on female cast members has officially begun, with three selected in this round. My guess is that the three Van Gogh-Goghs who haven’t selected a woman yet (Rob, Jason and T. Mike) will rush to do so in the next two rounds.

Newscasters were also popular this round, with MacDonald and Fey joining Chase and Miller in the newsroom. That leaves only Jason and me left to name our Update anchor. I plan on waiting, since I’m pretty sure I’m going to be left with a quality anchor in the low rounds.

As for predictions for Round Five? I’ll say I think two (maybe three) more women are picked, and look for big names to go like Adam Sandler, Billy Crystal and David Spade. Don’t quote me on it, though, because I’d have a better chance to predict volcano eruptions and earthquakes than to predict our draft outcome.

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