Happy Thanksgiving from our non-related, voluntarily affiliated, peer group lifestyle enclave to yours!

Bonus Thanksgiving comedy HERE.

Hooookay. That first attempt to have Artificial Intelligence write our press release didn’t work so great. The part that was just the letter “Z” repeated hundreds of times should have been a giveaway. Our bad. Let’s try it again. We fed a headline into the serious, totes for reals, AI fake news-generating program GROVER, from the Paul Allen Institute of AI, and here’s what we got:

Lazy, Lazy Comedy Group Uses Artificial Intelligence to Write Latest Press Release

December 1, 2019 – The Van Gogh-Goghs

If you think tech comes from spaceships and things you can’t understand, be pleasantly surprised. The young group of Danish creatives at Lazy Geeks puts out press releases that sound like the pitches to space-aged, go-to marketers and global ad agencies. Now a light-hearted post on Facebook shows what bots can do if you pay the price.

This current-issue Google Doodle marks the bicentennial of Dutch painter Johannes Vermeer. A whole game of mystery lies ahead, as I have no idea how it fits into the Google Doodle history, or who is doing the work. Turns out, it’s somebody not working for Google, making the soundboard. This robot had the time and the capital to explore and write this piece, which is a first for me.

Inferring that it’s super cultured, bored, and a bit of a cad, the Google Doodle bot goes at it like a bad-boy librarian:

We’ve always done good on the number of new Dutch masterpieces we’ve named but we didn’t see it coming. Can you guess who we’re bringing back with us? The Dutch artist Johannes Vermeer. Today he’s on Google Doodles but it’s worth nothing that he didn’t just paint all of them. His studio kept the old masters around too and artists like van Gogh and Rembrandt. When you Google Gerrit the story says that he never did anything to improve the quality of the paintings… Oh, don’t worry, that’s not true. Your pleasure!

Oh, did I mention the automation? Using no longer-forgotten botology and algorithms, Lazy Geeks has begun developing an artificial intelligence style guide (AKA style graph), that quickly synthesizes sententious (mostly) business press releases, transfers them to an AI style guide, and then publishes a final bot press release. Never before has a style guide been so important to a business press release, and this style guide shows that automated machines for fun can indeed be just as deadly and devious as their human counterparts. And this style guide makes me not want to write software anymore.

The Lazy Geeks style guide goes here.

Van Gogh was on death row and the resulting madness and fury makes for the perfect pun

“Where Does A Fraught Place in History Begin?” asks Danish creative agency SunRan Seroole. “Dutch painter Van Gogh was facing the prospect of execution in France. During this period of his life, when it looked like death was imminent, he threw himself head first into the visual world, into painting and into art. But it wasn’t until years later that we finally understood his roots.”

“There is something voracious about Van Gogh’s thirst for visual beauty, something that will be evident to everyone who sees his landmark masterpiece The Starry Night,” confirms editor-in-chief, Karsten Svedlund. “It is a recipe for failure that follows him across his entire life, until the bicentenary of Vermeer’s birth, when he decided to work again on his masterpieces.”

After two years of intense research into the artist’s background, SunRan Seroole uncovers the tragic end to Van Gogh’s life, the hope of a younger Van Gogh’s life, and whether this story links to the life of Vermeer.”

They then proceed to answer not only why van Gogh never became a successful painter but what is particularly about Vermeer that stands out to the art experts.

Following these ambitious investigations, is revealed a new chapter in the story of Dutch painter, Johann Vermeer. How did a young nursery school teacher drive himself to paint the most famous images of men during the middle ages? And why did he choose to do so when he was, at once, rejecting modern technology and living in a time before it had reached maturity?

In an effort to reveal the artistic techniques that left Dutch art professionals so baffled, van Gogh’s mental state before and after he set out to paint the Starry Night is sought. The previously undiscovered letters from Vermeer himself reveal the evidence that brings us to the fascinating conclusion that Van Gogh’s earliest artistic idea arose from an observation on a daily basis.

“This isn’t your typical portrait exhibition,” promises SVP Paulus Scheierbroek. “We expect it to draw your eye to the viewer immediately. You can reach Vermeer himself, his visions, his eyes. The style guide is like having

Visit grover.allenai.org to explore AI2’s state-of-the-art fake news detector and generator.

Hi there. As you may or may not have noticed, generating online content is hard. Also, referring to it as “online content” instead of “comedy” makes us sad. But since now it’s the future, we can get Artificial Intelligence to do all our crap for us and not have to feel anything anymore! So here’s the Van Gogh-Goghs’ first press release written by AI, courtesy of GROVER, an AI designed to detect and generate fake news. We gave it a headline, it wrote the article. Easy breezy mac and cheesy! Nothing could possibly go wrong. Take it away, GROVER:

Lazy, Lazy Bastards Use Artificial Intelligence to Write Latest Comedy Group Press Release
December 1, 2019 – Dr. Arthur J. Corrino

A press release just released by “The Brunettes” comedy group on ModPac PR, announcing their upcoming I, Barstool Press Release and Original Video Production is full of gibberish. The press release’s major message is a ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Visit grover.allenai.org to explore AI2’s state-of-the-art fake news detector and generator.

Santa. How can be? How does he do it? How can one ordinary man deliver millions of presents in a single night?! It can’t be done, despite weak, tacked-on, magical explanations like flying reindeer, bottomless sacks, and the ability to whoosh up chimneys by laying a finger aside of one’s nose. Impossible. Unless… there is something deeper going on. Something that can’t be explained by the obvious, but that CAN be explained by a crazy, hair-brained theory we just came up with! So fire up your social media accounts, and start fakenewsing your friends, family, and coworkers IMMEDIATELY.

Firstly, why so many Santas? There’s folks dressed up like Santa everywhere. Getting stuck in chimneys, filling the local throne at the mall, hiding behind bushes at the park, getting arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct. Can a mere myth really inspire that level of disorganized, spontaneous imitation? Of course not. Being a Santa is no mere hobby, funtime, or seasonal income for our plus-sized bearded elders.

It’s a cult. A well-organized, fiercely-dedicated, intensely secret cult with rigid rules on appearance and behavior. Also, it’s like that movie Fight Club, only without quite as much beating each other bloody with fists. Members must take a solemn vow of Santitudity. They don’t only dress as Santa (called “taking the red”), grow a beard, and delight/terrify children. They not only swear to carry the torch of Christmas-itude, and to never deny the true existence of Santa. No, they actually must BECOME Santa. They undergo a drug-fueled initiation rite designed to help them believe that they, in fact, ARE Santa. Women are not explicitly excluded, but typically have trouble with the a beard-growing requirement. Beware, though. Once in, never try to get out. Apostates are secretly murdered and made to look like accidents. Don’t spill the beans, either. Those who attempt to reveal the cult’s existence are blacklisted and never get a good Christmas present again, forced into a sad existence of ugly sweaters, boring ties, fake-smelling bath sets, corporate coffee mugs, and a never ending array of socks and underwear, socks and underwear, SOCKS AND UNDERWEAR. And also sometimes murdered, just for variety.

Now, how can Santa Claus appear in different places at the same time? How can he be leading a small town parade whilst simultaneously ringing a bell in front of the Wal-Mart AND absorbing urine from terrified toddlers at the local mall? Most parents cross this horrible, faith-shaking, narrow bridge of faith by explaining the doppelgangers away as “helpers” or, that sure, THAT guy is just some dude in a cheap Santa suit, but there’s still a REAL Santa at the North Pole doing the REAL work of Christmas, while these chumps put on a dog and pony show for hicks like you.

But what if that’s not the case? What if … THEY ARE ALL SANTA? If Santa has powers beyond those of any mortal, why should we expect him to BE a mortal?! Why should we expect him to be like a human at all?! All the Santas are one. ALL THE SANTAS ARE ONE. Santa is a gestalt creature. He ONE entity with many many near identical bodies. Only a labor force in the thousands could pull off what Santa does in one night. So, what IS Santa?! Creepy, for one.

This leads us to our next theory. If Santa Claus cannot possibly be human, what can he then be? An alien? Now you’re just being ridiculous. The cabal of international bankers and Bilderberg Gnomes controlled by the Committee on Foreign Relations would unleash their army of blue helmets and black helicopters so fast, even your fluoridated-water dulled senses would register surprise as the North Pole was carpet-bombed back to the Triassic.

No, there’s a better explanation. What we humans call “Santa Claus” is merely the intrusion into our three dimensions of an extradimensional creature that exists outside of time and space as we know it. Just as a sphere crossing a two dimensional plane appears as a growing and shrinking circle, the intersection of this creature with our plane just happens to look like a large human in a red suit with a white beard. Since this… this… this… THING is not subject to our laws of physics, existing outside of our universe, it is a simple matter for it to reach into closed rooms, locked houses, and deliver presents to millions simultaneously. The more terrifying aspect is why it would chose to do so. We cannot impute human motives on such an unearthly creature that isn’t even made of matter as we know it, but an agglomeration of Planck-length one-dimensional vibrating strings in an eleven dimensional superuniverse. Even more terrifying is that we have misinterpreted the situation by assuming this entity even HAS motives. It does not want to make us happy, spy on us, or lull us into a false sense of security and then eat our souls. No, the annual appearance of “Santa” is merely the rhythmic equivalent of its heart beating, lungs breathing, or blood flowing. Or pooping. We merely choose to interpret this inexplicable phenomenon as a kindly old dude chucking presents from a magic flying 18th century equivalent of an SUV. We must instead capture, analyze, and dissect these “fingers” of the greater creature that we might learn how it operates. Then we can learn how to heal the dimensional rifts and weakened time/space continuum that has allowed these apparitions to penetrate our world and torment us annually. The true celebration can only come when our scientists forever eliminate Santa from reality.

But where science fails us, religion picks up the ball and runs with it, spikes it in the end zone, does a ref-defying taunty dance, and demands everyone agree it’s particular taunty dance is the one true taunty dance and there can be no others. Some stripes in the Christian rainbow don’t like Santa; seeing him as some kind of interloper in what should be Jesus’s exclusive turf. I mean, whose birthday is it? What’s the reason for the season? It must be aggravating. Also, Santa is an anagram of… SATAN! And as we all know, fun letter swapping games for bored vaguely literate people are always a font of uncorrupted religious truth forever. This final theory on the true nature of Santa Claus is for them:
Santa Claus isn’t against Jesus Christ. Santa Claus IS Jesus Christ. After crucifixion, returning from the dead, visiting friends and family, going on tour in the Americas, founding a bloodline in France, and generally having the most active posthumous career known to mankind, Jesus retired. He gained weight, turned gray, got bored, and chafed at the shackles of his own fame. He realized anything he then did as himself would be soon be overrun with his fans and supporters regardless of its merit. So, Jesus adopted a pseudonym, a spiffy new outfit, and reinvented himself. Yet, he remained true to two of his main interests. Jesus was a carpenter. Jesus loves the little children. So he uses his carpentry powers to make them toys.  He uses his Son of God powers to monitor and track every child in the world’s good/evil levels, pick the most appropriate toy for each, make the toys, and get them all delivered all around the world on a single night. Jesus Santa is so selflessly awesome, that on HIS birthday, he gives YOU a present! You don’t even have to go pick it up! He delivers!

It’s the only explanation that explains everything, AND puts the Christ back in Christmas.

You’re welcome.

I got hounded by the self-a-razzi all day today. I finally got sick of it. Ridiculous. Check out the photos. (Click image to see slide show)

A few years ago the boys in The VGG Comedy Collective held a fantasy draft for their dream SNL casts. Six members, six SNL casts hand picked from the first 30 years of the show. This week Rolling Stone Magazine published a ranking of all cast members of SNL. Not that I put much stock into these kind of lists, but I did want to see how our dream teams stacked up against the RS rankings. So here is a summary of out draft in the order the cast was picked and the RS Ranking for each member. One note, each team had to pick at least one news anchor. That explains Chase on here twice — once as a cast member the other as the Weekend Update Anchor.

Round 1
1. John Belushi (1)
2. Eddie Murphy (2)
3. Chevy Chase (10)
4. Al Franken (20)
5. Phil Hartman (7)
6. Mike Myers (4)
OUR First Round Right up there in the top 20.

Round 2
1. Dana Carvey (11)
2. Chris Elliott (103)
3. Dennis Miller (34)
4. Will Ferrell (12)
5. Bill Murray (6)
6. Gilda Radner (9)

Okay we start to stray on round two with Chris Elliott (or does Rolling Stone?)

Round 3
1. Jan Hooks (26)
2. Jon Lovitz (19)
3. Chris Kattan (95)
4. Dan Aykroyd (5)
5. Chris Rock (21)
6. Chris Farley (15)

Rolling Stone has Kattan way too low according to our data.

Round 4
1. Norm MacDonald (135)
2. Martin Short (30)
3. Laraine Newman (24)
4. Chevy Chase (10)
5. Nora Dunn (60)
6. Tina Fey (3)
Again, according to our studies RS misses the mark on MacDonald. Very solid newsman.

Round 5
1. Don Novello (42)
2. Jane Curtain (47)
3. Cheri Oteri (94)
4. Harry Shearer (77)
5. Sarah Silverman (101)
6. Victoria Jackson (138)

I think Rolling Stone has it in for Victoria Jackson because she became a nut job. Her work on SNL deserves better than 138.

Round 6
1. Adam Sandler (17)
2. Christopher Guest (31)
3. A. Whitney Brown (79)
4. David Spade (27)
5. Darrell Hammond (49)
6. Billy Crystal (29)

Round 7
1. Garrett Morris (61)
2. Joe Piscopo (66)
3.Tim Meadows (48)
4. Mary Gross
5. Brian Doyle-Murray (96)
6. Rob Schneider (44)
We hit the middle of the pack right about here.

Round 8
1. Horatio Sanz (58)
2. Kevin Nealon (59)
3. Tim Kazurinsky (32)
4. Molly Shannon (40)
5. Kristen Wiig (14)
6. Maya Rudolph (18)

Round 9
1. Fred Arminsen (23)
2. Ben Stiller (124)
3. Rachel Dratch (16)
4. Danitra Vance (100)
5. Julia Sweeney (76)
6. Ana Gasteyer (33)

Round 10
1. Robin Duke (121)
2. Amy Poehler (8)
3. Michael O’Donoghue (113)
4. Jimmy Fallon (36)
5. Jane Curtin (47)
6. Terry Sweeney (64)

There are three here that should not be this low on the draft, but they made the draft. So that’s something.

The team break downs.

Galen Black’s Team: John Belushi, Gilda Radner, Jan Hooks, Tina Fey (newscaster), Don Novello, Billy Crystal, Garrett Morris, Maya Rudolph, Fred Armisen, Terry Sweeney.

Charles Rempel’s Team: Eddie Murphy , Bill Murray, Jon Lovitz, Darrell Hammond, Joe Piscopo, Ben Stiller, Nora Dunn, Jane Curtin, Kristen Wiig, Jane Curtin (newscaster).

Rob Terrell’s Team: Chevy Chase (newscaster), Will Ferrell, Chevy Chase , Chris Kattan, David Spade, Tim Meadows, Rachel Dratch, Molly Shannon, Cheri Oteri, Jimmy Fallon.

Alan Benson’s Team: Al Franken, Dennis Miller (newscaster), Dan Aykroyd, Laraine Newman, Harry Shearer, Mary Gross, A. Whitney Brown, Tim Kazurinsky, Danitra Vance, Michael O’Donoghue.

Jason Torchinsky’s Team: Phil Hartman, Chris Elliott, Chris Rock, Martin Short, Christopher Guest, Brian Doyle-Murray, Kevin Nealon (newscaster), Sarah Silverman, Julia Sweeney, Amy Poehler.

T. Mike Childs’ Team: Mike Myers , Dana Carvey, Adam Sandler, Chris Farley, Rob Schneider, Horatio Sanz, Victoria Jackson, Ana Gasteyer, Robin Duke, Norm MacDonald (newscaster).

The humor of the Van Gogh-Goghs has always been a group effort, the exceptions being Jason and T. Mike’s stand-up routines, Galen’s monologues, and Rob’s arrest for impersonating an astronaut. But this hasn’t always been the case. Early on in the plucky sextet’s comedy careers, each member dabbled in the art of comedy albums. Here is the known collection of VGG comedy albums, excluding foreign imports and bootlegs:

Pillowhead Talk

Label: Doneycat Records
Catalog No. 38562-J
Produced by the Dimmer Twins (Benson & Rempel)
Recorded: Spring 1993

The Pillowheads were the Van Gogh-Gogh answer to the more-famous Coneheads. The Pillowheads (Charles as Puffy, Alan as Fluffy) are a cosmic pair of wackos, whose heads resemble pillows. Fluffy and Puffy encounter the strange ways of Earthlings in such "classic" bits as "Fluffy at the Pet Store" and "The Pillowheads Take the D-Train." Many critics panned this double-album, especially the first and last tracks, each consisting of ten minutes of Fluffy and Puffy babbling incoherently. The public, however, had a different opinion: they hated it. The difference between panning and hating is small, to be sure, but it is different. Unfortunately, this album is now out of print.

Keeping It Reel

Label: No Cows Records

Catalog No. TMC-001
Produced by Jeremy Rankin
Recorded: Christmas 1993

T. Michael Childs had one great idea: a Christmas comedy album. This is that album. He also had three terrible ideas. First, the title, Keepin' It Reel, did not convey the Christmas theme properly. Second, the album was released on Christmas Day, a day when no one wants to buy Christmas albums. Three, the material on the album deals neither with Christmas nor comedy, but rather is a psychotic rant about pancake batter. The only thing even remotely close to Christmas comedy is the track "Christmas Slug Bathhouses." This track starts with Childs screaming, "Christmas slug bathhouses!", then continued with his pancake batter diatribe. Sadly, T. Mike failed to keep it reel, or real. This album is no longer in print.

Oswald (Live)

Label: Twelve Angry Cats Platters
Catalog No. J758OCW2220
Produced by Leftover
Recorded: July 1997

In the autobiography Galen: A Hernia Among Us, Galen Black listed this album as "his first California mistake."1 This live comedy album, taped live at the Hollywood Bowl, is truly a live album. "Live" was mentioned three times in the last sentence to emphasize that this is a live album. Other ways to identify this as a live album: the part in track 1 where Galen mumbles to no one in particular, "Can we start this over?"; the man in track 4 who screams, "You suck. Yeah, you, Galen Black, you suck!"; track 8, which is the murmurs of the crowd during the intermission; and track 9, when the stagehand comes on-stage and tells the crowd that Galen has gone home. Live live live live live. Live. Live live. This album is no longer in circulation.

Who Be Dat Man?

Label: Aw Eesh! Records
Catalog No. 12CR0001
Produced by Steven “Steve” Huh
Recorded: January 1991

Charles Rempel's first album, Who Be Dat Man?, was his homage to Cajun comedy. He knew nothing of Cajun comedy, though, or Louisiana for that matter. He thought All the King's Men was about the makers of King Kong. His accent was obnoxious at best and unintelligible at worst. Surprisingly, though, it was the only Rempel-related album to sell a million copies. Rempel still receives a couple of albums a week as blackmail threats, threats that he dutifully acknowledges and pays... in full. The album, thankfully, is no longer in circulation.Â

Things I Stole From George Carlin

Label: Excusemaster Records
Catalog No. 01
Produced by Rob Terrell
Recorded: March 1994

This album, the winner of eight platinum records, is the highest-seller of all the VGG albums, since everyone thought they were buying a George Carlin album. It also was the most litigious, as Rob Terrell was sued and later lost to George Carlin over copyright infringements. Rob's lawyers argued that the material was so mangled and unfunny, that the general public would not be able to understand the jokes, let alone that they were ripped off from Mr. Carlin. This album enjoyed a second wave of popularity when it was discovered in 1998 that columnist for the Boston Globe also stole from Carlin. Highlights include "The Seven Things You Can't Say When Plagiarizing George Carlin", and the famous line, "Hello, I'm George Carlin." Currently, this album is not in print.

Things I Stole From Kevin Pollak

Label: Excusemaster Records
Catalog No. 02
Produced by Rob Terrell
Recorded: December 1994

"Pollak" is Rob's less-successful follow-up to "Things I Stole From George Carlin." Highlights include Rob's attempts to impersonate Pollak impersonating Inspector Columbo and Captain Kirk, as well as some lines from "The Usual Suspects." Recorded live at the Firg Auditorium in Boulder, Colorado, this album is unique due to its mixing; if the listener plays the second side of the album (or tracks 8-12 on the CD) and turns the stereo balance all the way to the left, he or she can actually hear the audience filing out of the auditorium in disgust.

Jason Torchinsky

Label: Soul Biscuit Records
Catalog No. 7D
Produced by Frank Soobner
Recorded: March 1994

The eponymously-titled first album by Jason Torchinsky was a saccharin-sweet journey through his inner psyche. An inner psyche filled with horror and disgust and pain and maladies that man was not meant to know. One track in particular, "Monsignor Happy's Daily Bouts with Depression", received moderate air-time on the Doctor Demento Radio Network. Jason learned through this album's poor sales the hard cold fact of emotions: when they see the light of day, you're ruined. Finished. If at all possible, supress all emotions. The album's highlight: the unlisted track at the end of the CD, which is a cover of "Stand By Your Man" by Lyle Lovett.

Westsinister Abbey

Label: Twelve Angry Cats Platters
Catalog No. W291OCLDB64H
Produced by Wendell Black & Cholly
Recorded: July 1993

This album, probably Galen Black's finest work, failed to sell even a single copy. The reason was simple: the warning label. People just don't buy comedy albums with profanity. The sentence that took the censors over the top: on Track 11, entitled "Off the Scruff", Galen says, "I told my brother he was full of cr*p." A comedy masterpiece, sullied by Galen's penchant for potty-mouth. There are no available copies of this album.

Polizist und DummKopf (Cop and a Nut)

Label: Der Oskarmeyerveener Records
Catalog No. 7483-TY-738
Produced by [unknown]
Recorded: April 1997

This German bootleg import was found by Jason behind a Conoco station in Louisville, Kentucky. Why was he behind the Conoco? Well, it's a long story, but he was in this chat room and the guy... well, this is not important right now. What's important is that he found it. This album is a collection of skits performed by the Van Gogh-Goghs between 1993 and 1996. The sketches, then, were completely dubbed in German. Which, I guess you could say, is just some Germans ripping off our skits, but they did get a picture of Jason and Charles for their album cover, and Jason and Charles did get credit, and the Germans act was better than ours, so in the end we think it's okay. We're not sure if this album is still in stock, here or abroad.

Over on the FB, I posted the following to my status update and what follows is some very well made points about why iPhones are better than kids.

In an attempt to offer a suggestion to parents on how to avoid forgetting your child in the backseat of a locked car, a local newscast today suggested that I could place my cell phone in the pockets behind the front seats of my car as a way to insure that I don’t forget my child. Because no one would go that long without noticing they didn’t have their…..phone. <sigh>

Response by Alan Benson

Well Galen, not to be contrary, but I think there’s a good point in that story. Thanks to all my nieces and nephews, I’ve had many years of interacting with various revisions of KidOS and four brands of hardware (Benson, Glance, Mims, and Graves–plus many others owned by friends). Children are an interesting project, and more advanced versions of the OS are fairly functional, but they have yet to reach the level of sophistication of your average phone. Just look at some of the key areas where they fall short:

Cleanliness: Phones get smeared and marked with fingerprints. Children smear things and make fingerprint marks. Advantage: Phone.

Durability: Even with scratch-resistant materials, children are constantly getting scuffed. While children’s self-repair tools are really impressive and unique, these tools come with a cost. Honestly, I would rather have a permanent scratch on my phone than to be notified every five seconds that “I has a owie.” Advantage: Phone.

Spellcheck: Siri makes a lot of mistakes, but even she would correct “I has a owie.” Advantage: Phone.

Voice-to-Text: Admittedly, I haven’t used V2T with children as much as with phones, largely because my first experience was so terrible. No matter how slowly or clearly I spoke, my attempt to have June tell T. Mike “Pick me up outside Breadman’s–bring money for the bill” was mangled into “I love you daddy. Pick me up! Pick me up! Pick me up!” Her software captured the first part of the message, but the transmission stripped out all “From” info, date/time, and the urgent flag. (I still have dishpan hands from having to work to pay that bill.) While I was able to leave a message for Charles very effectively using his John device, it was because I was just saying “blahhhhhbobobobobo mama dada truck” while drooling and pooping. But again, no sender info or timestamp. Kids are simply not suitable for mission-critical communication. Advantage: Phone.

Volume control: Phone has buttons on the side and a mute function. Kids don’t. Need I even point out this is a big advantage: Phone?

Portability: Even those stupid giant wanna-be tablet phones can fit in a pocket. KidOS users are required to supplement their unit with large amounts of hardware and software just to go to the store. Advantage: Phone.

Games: I know that KidOS installs additional apps and games over time, but the fact that it doesn’t even ship with basic smiling functionality is shameful. And let’s be honest, until the OS gets updated multiple times, the options are crap. “Peekaboo” is fun for like two minutes, but it gets old fast. Same for “Pattycake” and “I’ll drop the toy, you pick it up, repeat.” Also, the fact that the few initial games on offer don’t unload from memory and just keep running for hours is super annoying. And yes, later games like “Catch” are more fun, but again, the retention of the game in memory for hours is annoying. Plus, the fact that all more advanced KidOS games are microtransaction-based (the “Mom, I need $100 so I can be on traveling team!” alert is so familiar to KidOS users) means that bills can get out of control. Advantage: Phone.

Music: I don’t know where the “Wheels on the Bus” file is stored in my nephews, but I have been unable to delete it. Plus, the fidelity of music from KidOS units is fairly poor. Notice that Ava’s playback of “Let It Go” strips out all background instrumentation and alters the voice. You don’t have to be an audiophile to see that it’s advantage: Phone.

A  fan shared a real life example of one of our 26 Ways to Creep Out Your Co-Workers.

From: [suppressed]
Subject: my boss does creep out #22...ALL THE TIME!

I swear to God....HE CREEPS ME OUT!  (you've got to
picture him taking a drag off a cigarette, then
grabbing himself-rub, rub, "so what about that
blahblah"). He'll do it with customers in the
office-BUT, BEHIND HIS DESK! So the customer can't
see what he's doing! Is that creepy, or what? It's
like he's got a stale hoagie, or something, in
his pants. jeff t.

Now that the Van Gogh-Goghs have taught you how to waste time at work, you’ve probably found that your once-busy workdays have mellowed into the dull hazy soup of inertia every cubicle-dweller longs for. But working man and woman cannot live by soup alone, no matter how hazy it is. Somedays you need to spark a little action into the parade of soul-crushing utter boredom that you laughably call “a life” (no offense).

Based on research from the mighty VGG Labs, there’s no better way to generate a little worktime fun than by creeping the hell out of your co-workers. Using these 26 sure-fire tips, you will soon be the most popular person around the office (if, by “popular,” you mean the guy or gal most likely to inspire others to say “whoa, that person is creepy”).

1. As soon as someone you’re talking to is done using a pen, pick it up and lick it. 

2. Walk out of bathroom, stop, pause a few seconds, take a few deep breaths, then dash back in.
3. Follow someone home, when they get to the door, honk, wave, say “so you’re ok then?” and drive off. Repeat until court order.
4. When the person you’re meeting with stands up, put your hand where they were sitting and say “ooh that’s warm.”
5. While carpooling, make the group stop at a drug store so you can buy condoms.
6. Place 50 framed pictures of the Olsen twins on your desk. For bonus creepout points, cut one of the twins out of all the pictures.
7. During an important meeting, lean forward to make a point while placing your hand firmly on someone else’s upper thigh.
8. Vaseline your hand, then shake someone else’s hand.
9. Give out framed pictures of yourself to every one of your co-workers
10. When someone is talking to you, take the opportunity to groom them.
11. When someone drops food, grab it and eat it.

12. Hug someone you’re not dating or related to just a little too long. 
13. Keep underwear in your pocket and make a point of dropping it whenever you pull out your keys. Always say “so that’s where those got to!”
14. Constantly offer to take other people’s temperature.
15. Keep your hands abnormally cold, then be very touchy-feely.
16. Bring up in conversation that you know where to buy chloroform for cheap.
17. Whenever someone is in the bathroom, lean in close to the outside of the door so that your face is the first thing they see.
18. Make lots of noise while in a bathroom stall, then walk out very sweaty, clutching a picture of Johnny 5 from “Short Circuit.”
19. Call every woman you meet “mommy.”
20. Buy a hoagie, then stand in corner humping it.
21. Breezily annouce when you come in to work: “I peed my bed again last night.”
22. Every time you get excited or interested in something, grab your crotch.
23. Tape a picture of someone on your arm, kiss it occasionally.
24. Keep an urn full of ashes at your desk.
25. Instead of talking to people, take a Polaroid of them and talk to the Polaroid. When the conversation is over, stick the photo on one of those memo spikes
26. When co-workers ask if you want to go to lunch, say no. Then follow them to the restaurant, sit nearby, and laugh when they do.