It will be out MONDAY, January 13, 2025, but here’s a teaser til then:

Podcast Links!

If you are looking for some great content from the Van Gogh-Goghs let me guide you to some of our classics!

The Rocklopedia Fakebandica — Look up your favorite fake band or add your favorite.

Furniture Porn — The internets hottest chair on chair action!

Salute to the Atari

The Van Gogh-Gogh Archive — Browse the best and the worse of the internet’s first and finest sketch comedy group (unverified).

The Van Gogh-Goghs YouTube Channel — Watch us be dipshits!

KFC – Kremlin Fried Chicken

After long last The Rocklopedia Fakebandica is now a podcast. No fooling! I mean sure it sounds like an April Fools gag, but it’s not. Host Charles Rempel, Musicologist Alan Benson and the Godfather of Fake Bands Sir T. Mike Childs (fake title) have created the best podcast to be released on the internet in a VERY long time. So using your favorite podcast provider — Spotify, Apple Podcast, iheartradio or where you go to subscribe to podcasts and then forget you have subscribed until you have to clear out 100 podcast files from your phone. Go ahead and listen. It’s a load of fun!!

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Happy Thanksgiving from our non-related, voluntarily affiliated, peer group lifestyle enclave to yours!

Bonus Thanksgiving comedy HERE.

Hooookay. That first attempt to have Artificial Intelligence write our press release didn’t work so great. The part that was just the letter “Z” repeated hundreds of times should have been a giveaway. Our bad. Let’s try it again. We fed a headline into the serious, totes for reals, AI fake news-generating program GROVER, from the Paul Allen Institute of AI, and here’s what we got:

Lazy, Lazy Comedy Group Uses Artificial Intelligence to Write Latest Press Release

December 1, 2019 – The Van Gogh-Goghs

If you think tech comes from spaceships and things you can’t understand, be pleasantly surprised. The young group of Danish creatives at Lazy Geeks puts out press releases that sound like the pitches to space-aged, go-to marketers and global ad agencies. Now a light-hearted post on Facebook shows what bots can do if you pay the price.

This current-issue Google Doodle marks the bicentennial of Dutch painter Johannes Vermeer. A whole game of mystery lies ahead, as I have no idea how it fits into the Google Doodle history, or who is doing the work. Turns out, it’s somebody not working for Google, making the soundboard. This robot had the time and the capital to explore and write this piece, which is a first for me.

Inferring that it’s super cultured, bored, and a bit of a cad, the Google Doodle bot goes at it like a bad-boy librarian:

We’ve always done good on the number of new Dutch masterpieces we’ve named but we didn’t see it coming. Can you guess who we’re bringing back with us? The Dutch artist Johannes Vermeer. Today he’s on Google Doodles but it’s worth nothing that he didn’t just paint all of them. His studio kept the old masters around too and artists like van Gogh and Rembrandt. When you Google Gerrit the story says that he never did anything to improve the quality of the paintings. Oh, don’t worry, that’s not true. Your pleasure!

Oh, did I mention the automation? Using no longer-forgotten botology and algorithms, Lazy Geeks has begun developing an artificial intelligence style guide (AKA style graph), that quickly synthesizes sententious (mostly) business press releases, transfers them to an AI style guide, and then publishes a final bot press release. Never before has a style guide been so important to a business press release, and this style guide shows that automated machines for fun can indeed be just as deadly and devious as their human counterparts. And this style guide makes me not want to write software anymore.

The Lazy Geeks style guide goes here.

Van Gogh was on death row and the resulting madness and fury makes for the perfect pun

“Where Does A Fraught Place in History Begin?” asks Danish creative agency SunRan Seroole. Dutch painter Van Gogh was facing the prospect of execution in France. During this period of his life, when it looked like death was imminent, he threw himself head first into the visual world, into painting and into art. But it wasn’t until years later that we finally understood his roots.

There is something voracious about Van Gogh’s thirst for visual beauty, something that will be evident to everyone who sees his landmark masterpiece The Starry Night, confirms editor-in-chief, Karsten Svedlund. It is a recipe for failure that follows him across his entire life, until the bicentenary of Vermeer’s birth, when he decided to work again on his masterpieces.

After two years of intense research into the artist’s background, SunRan Seroole uncovers the tragic end to Van Gogh’s life, the hope of a younger Van Gogh’s life, and whether this story links to the life of Vermeer.

They then proceed to answer not only why van Gogh never became a successful painter but what is particularly about Vermeer that stands out to the art experts.

Following these ambitious investigations, is revealed a new chapter in the story of Dutch painter, Johann Vermeer. How did a young nursery school teacher drive himself to paint the most famous images of men during the middle ages? And why did he choose to do so when he was, at once, rejecting modern technology and living in a time before it had reached maturity?

In an effort to reveal the artistic techniques that left Dutch art professionals so baffled, van Gogh’s mental state before and after he set out to paint the Starry Night is sought. The previously undiscovered letters from Vermeer himself reveal the evidence that brings us to the fascinating conclusion that Van Gogh’s earliest artistic idea arose from an observation on a daily basis.

This isn’t your typical portrait exhibition, promises SVP Paulus Scheierbroek. We expect it to draw your eye to the viewer immediately. You can reach Vermeer himself, his visions, his eyes. The style guide is like having

Visit grover.allenai.org to explore AI2’s state-of-the-art fake news detector and generator.

Hi there. As you may or may not have noticed, generating online content is hard. Also, referring to it as “online content” instead of “comedy” makes us sad. But since now it’s the future, we can get Artificial Intelligence to do all our crap for us and not have to feel anything anymore! So here’s the Van Gogh-Goghs’ first press release written by AI, courtesy of GROVER, an AI designed to detect and generate fake news. We gave it a headline, it wrote the article. Easy breezy mac and cheesy! Nothing could possibly go wrong. Take it away, GROVER:

Lazy, Lazy Bastards Use Artificial Intelligence to Write Latest Comedy Group Press Release
December 1, 2019 – Dr. Arthur J. Corrino

A press release just released by “The Brunettes” comedy group on ModPac PR, announcing their upcoming I, Barstool Press Release and Original Video Production is full of gibberish. The press release’s major message is a ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

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Santa. How can be? How does he do it? How can one ordinary man deliver millions of presents in a single night?! It can’t be done, despite weak, tacked-on, magical explanations like flying reindeer, bottomless sacks, and the ability to whoosh up chimneys by laying a finger aside of one’s nose. Impossible. Unless there is something deeper going on. Something that can’t be explained by the obvious, but that CAN be explained by a crazy, hair-brained theory we just came up with! So fire up your social media accounts, and start fakenewsing your friends, family, and coworkers IMMEDIATELY.

Firstly, why so many Santas? There’s folks dressed up like Santa everywhere. Getting stuck in chimneys, filling the local throne at the mall, hiding behind bushes at the park, getting arrested for drunk and disorderly conduct. Can a mere myth really inspire that level of disorganized, spontaneous imitation? Of course not. Being a Santa is no mere hobby, funtime, or seasonal income for our plus-sized bearded elders.

It’s a cult. A well-organized, fiercely-dedicated, intensely secret cult with rigid rules on appearance and behavior. Also, it’s like that movie Fight Club, only without quite as much beating each other bloody with fists. Members must take a solemn vow of Santitudity. They don’t only dress as Santa (called “taking the red”), grow a beard, and delight/terrify children. They not only swear to carry the torch of Christmas-itude, and to never deny the true existence of Santa. No, they actually must BECOME Santa. They undergo a drug-fueled initiation rite designed to help them believe that they, in fact, ARE Santa. Women are not explicitly excluded, but typically have trouble with the a beard-growing requirement. Beware, though. Once in, never try to get out. Apostates are secretly murdered and made to look like accidents. Don’t spill the beans, either. Those who attempt to reveal the cult’s existence are blacklisted and never get a good Christmas present again, forced into a sad existence of ugly sweaters, boring ties, fake-smelling bath sets, corporate coffee mugs, and a never ending array of socks and underwear, socks and underwear, SOCKS AND UNDERWEAR. And also sometimes murdered, just for variety.

Now, how can Santa Claus appear in different places at the same time? How can he be leading a small town parade whilst simultaneously ringing a bell in front of the Wal-Mart AND absorbing urine from terrified toddlers at the local mall? Most parents cross this horrible, faith-shaking, narrow bridge of faith by explaining the doppelgangers away as “helpers” or, that sure, THAT guy is just some dude in a cheap Santa suit, but there’s still a REAL Santa at the North Pole doing the REAL work of Christmas, while these chumps put on a dog and pony show for hicks like you.

But what if that’s not the case? What if THEY ARE ALL SANTA? If Santa has powers beyond those of any mortal, why should we expect him to BE a mortal?! Why should we expect him to be like a human at all?! All the Santas are one. ALL THE SANTAS ARE ONE. Santa is a gestalt creature. He ONE entity with many many near identical bodies. Only a labor force in the thousands could pull off what Santa does in one night. So, what IS Santa?! Creepy, for one.

This leads us to our next theory. If Santa Claus cannot possibly be human, what can he then be? An alien? Now you’re just being ridiculous. The cabal of international bankers and Bilderberg Gnomes controlled by the Committee on Foreign Relations would unleash their army of blue helmets and black helicopters so fast, even your fluoridated-water dulled senses would register surprise as the North Pole was carpet-bombed back to the Triassic.

No, there’s a better explanation. What we humans call “Santa Claus” is merely the intrusion into our three dimensions of an extradimensional creature that exists outside of time and space as we know it. Just as a sphere crossing a two dimensional plane appears as a growing and shrinking circle, the intersection of this creature with our plane just happens to look like a large human in a red suit with a white beard. Since this… this… this… THING is not subject to our laws of physics, existing outside of our universe, it is a simple matter for it to reach into closed rooms, locked houses, and deliver presents to millions simultaneously. The more terrifying aspect is why it would chose to do so. We cannot impute human motives on such an unearthly creature that isn’t even made of matter as we know it, but an agglomeration of Planck-length one-dimensional vibrating strings in an eleven dimensional superuniverse. Even more terrifying is that we have misinterpreted the situation by assuming this entity even HAS motives. It does not want to make us happy, spy on us, or lull us into a false sense of security and then eat our souls. No, the annual appearance of “Santa” is merely the rhythmic equivalent of its heart beating, lungs breathing, or blood flowing. Or pooping. We merely choose to interpret this inexplicable phenomenon as a kindly old dude chucking presents from a magic flying 18th century equivalent of an SUV. We must instead capture, analyze, and dissect these “fingers” of the greater creature that we might learn how it operates. Then we can learn how to heal the dimensional rifts and weakened time/space continuum that has allowed these apparitions to penetrate our world and torment us annually. The true celebration can only come when our scientists forever eliminate Santa from reality.

But where science fails us, religion picks up the ball and runs with it, spikes it in the end zone, does a ref-defying taunty dance, and demands everyone agree it’s particular taunty dance is the one true taunty dance and there can be no others. Some stripes in the Christian rainbow don’t like Santa; seeing him as some kind of interloper in what should be Jesus’s exclusive turf. I mean, whose birthday is it? What’s the reason for the season? It must be aggravating. Also, Santa is an anagram of… SATAN! And as we all know, fun letter swapping games for bored vaguely literate people are always a font of uncorrupted religious truth forever. This final theory on the true nature of Santa Claus is for them:

Santa Claus isn’t against Jesus Christ. Santa Claus IS Jesus Christ. After crucifixion, returning from the dead, visiting friends and family, going on tour in the Americas, founding a bloodline in France, and generally having the most active posthumous career known to mankind, Jesus retired. He gained weight, turned gray, got bored, and chafed at the shackles of his own fame. He realized anything he then did as himself would be soon be overrun with his fans and supporters regardless of its merit. So, Jesus adopted a pseudonym, a spiffy new outfit, and reinvented himself. Yet, he remained true to two of his main interests. Jesus was a carpenter. Jesus loves the little children. So he uses his carpentry powers to make them toys. He uses his Son of God powers to monitor and track every child in the world’s good/evil levels, pick the most appropriate toy for each, make the toys, and get them all delivered all around the world on a single night. Jesus Santa is so selflessly awesome, that on HIS birthday, he gives YOU a present! You don’t even have to go pick it up! He delivers!

It’s the only explanation that explains everything, AND puts the Christ back in Christmas.

You’re welcome.

I got hounded by the self-a-razzi all day today. I finally got sick of it. Ridiculous. Check out the photos. (Click image to see slide show)

A few years ago the boys in The VGG Comedy Collective held a fantasy draft for their dream SNL casts. Six members, six SNL casts hand picked from the first 30 years of the show. This week Rolling Stone Magazine published a ranking of all cast members of SNL. Not that I put much stock into these kind of lists, but I did want to see how our dream teams stacked up against the RS rankings. So here is a summary of out draft in the order the cast was picked and the RS Ranking for each member. One note, each team had to pick at least one news anchor. That explains Chase on here twice — once as a cast member the other as the Weekend Update Anchor.

Round 1
1. John Belushi (1)
2. Eddie Murphy (2)
3. Chevy Chase (10)
4. Al Franken (20)
5. Phil Hartman (7)
6. Mike Myers (4)
OUR First Round Right up there in the top 20.

Round 2
1. Dana Carvey (11)
2. Chris Elliott (103)
3. Dennis Miller (34)
4. Will Ferrell (12)
5. Bill Murray (6)
6. Gilda Radner (9)

Okay we start to stray on round two with Chris Elliott (or does Rolling Stone?)

Round 3
1. Jan Hooks (26)
2. Jon Lovitz (19)
3. Chris Kattan (95)
4. Dan Aykroyd (5)
5. Chris Rock (21)
6. Chris Farley (15)

Rolling Stone has Kattan way too low according to our data.

Round 4
1. Norm MacDonald (135)
2. Martin Short (30)
3. Laraine Newman (24)
4. Chevy Chase (10)
5. Nora Dunn (60)
6. Tina Fey (3)
Again, according to our studies RS misses the mark on MacDonald. Very solid newsman.

Round 5
1. Don Novello (42)
2. Jane Curtain (47)
3. Cheri Oteri (94)
4. Harry Shearer (77)
5. Sarah Silverman (101)
6. Victoria Jackson (138)

I think Rolling Stone has it in for Victoria Jackson because she became a nut job. Her work on SNL deserves better than 138.

Round 6
1. Adam Sandler (17)
2. Christopher Guest (31)
3. A. Whitney Brown (79)
4. David Spade (27)
5. Darrell Hammond (49)
6. Billy Crystal (29)

Round 7
1. Garrett Morris (61)
2. Joe Piscopo (66)
3.Tim Meadows (48)
4. Mary Gross
5. Brian Doyle-Murray (96)
6. Rob Schneider (44)
We hit the middle of the pack right about here.

Round 8
1. Horatio Sanz (58)
2. Kevin Nealon (59)
3. Tim Kazurinsky (32)
4. Molly Shannon (40)
5. Kristen Wiig (14)
6. Maya Rudolph (18)

Round 9
1. Fred Arminsen (23)
2. Ben Stiller (124)
3. Rachel Dratch (16)
4. Danitra Vance (100)
5. Julia Sweeney (76)
6. Ana Gasteyer (33)

Round 10
1. Robin Duke (121)
2. Amy Poehler (8)
3. Michael O’Donoghue (113)
4. Jimmy Fallon (36)
5. Jane Curtin (47)
6. Terry Sweeney (64)

There are three here that should not be this low on the draft, but they made the draft. So that’s something.

The team break downs.

Galen Black’s Team: John Belushi, Gilda Radner, Jan Hooks, Tina Fey (newscaster), Don Novello, Billy Crystal, Garrett Morris, Maya Rudolph, Fred Armisen, Terry Sweeney.

Charles Rempel’s Team: Eddie Murphy , Bill Murray, Jon Lovitz, Darrell Hammond, Joe Piscopo, Ben Stiller, Nora Dunn, Jane Curtin, Kristen Wiig, Jane Curtin (newscaster).

Rob Terrell’s Team: Chevy Chase (newscaster), Will Ferrell, Chevy Chase , Chris Kattan, David Spade, Tim Meadows, Rachel Dratch, Molly Shannon, Cheri Oteri, Jimmy Fallon.

Alan Benson’s Team: Al Franken, Dennis Miller (newscaster), Dan Aykroyd, Laraine Newman, Harry Shearer, Mary Gross, A. Whitney Brown, Tim Kazurinsky, Danitra Vance, Michael O’Donoghue.

Jason Torchinsky’s Team: Phil Hartman, Chris Elliott, Chris Rock, Martin Short, Christopher Guest, Brian Doyle-Murray, Kevin Nealon (newscaster), Sarah Silverman, Julia Sweeney, Amy Poehler.

T. Mike Childs’s Team: Mike Myers , Dana Carvey, Adam Sandler, Chris Farley, Rob Schneider, Horatio Sanz, Victoria Jackson, Ana Gasteyer, Robin Duke, Norm MacDonald (newscaster).