The Fantasy SNL League Draft: Round Nine
Only two rounds left! Twelve picks to go! How will the teams stack up? Who’s going to make the big blunder this round (Jason or Alan)? Is anyone even reading this anymore?
When you’re ready, Galen.
Galen Black selects Fred Armisen
You know, at first I didn’t think much of Armisen. I saw him as one of the featured players that never makes the leap to full cast member. He had a character or two, but I never saw him becoming one of the leads.
Time has a way of making us look foolish. Armisen has become one of the main reasons to watch SNL this year. Good impressions, strong characters and solid support work have made him a steal in the ninth round for Galen.
Galen will now give his thoughts on his last two picks:
My 8th and 9th choice of the night skewed a bit younger than my previous choices, I mixed things up a bit by going to the new cast to finish off my female picks and take my next to last male pick. Maya Rudolph and Fred Armisen were my late round hopefuls. I knew most of the Van Gogh-Goghs were pretty ignorant when it came to the newer cast, so I figured I could get these two performers without any problems. Maya brings me lots of current pop culture female impersonations and Armisen is one of the funniest people on today’s cast. Expect to see Fericito and the Lundford Twins alternating every other week on my show and a Steve Jobs sketch at least every 4th episode.
–Galen Black
Good points, Galen. This also helps to strengthen the weak male side of Team Black. With a strong showing in the tenth, he just may have a heck of a team.
Now it’s my turn. And honestly, I’m a little panicked. I have totally forgotten who my male pick was going to be. No clue. It was in my head a minute ago, I’m sure! Now, if I weren’t so panicky, I would just pick my newscaster now and wait another round. That’s not going to happen. I’m jittery, I keep muttering that the newscaster comes last, I’m racking my brain…
And one of my two-year-olds cries. SAVED! I tell the boys I have to go check on John and I run over to the bedroom. My wife is already there, telling me she’ll take care of it, but my mind is racing so fast, trying to figure out whom I want in the ninth round, I just stare blankly and nod. Slowly, I turn… and walk back to the computer. I’m stumped. The little break didn’t jog my memory, and T. Mike’s talking trash about using my boys as an excuse. I quickly look for the biggest name and I pull the trigger.
Charles Rempel selects Ben Stiller
Yes, I know, only one year on the show. Yes, I know, he didn’t hit the heights until after he was on Saturday Night Live. But I have a strong cast so far, especially with my dudes, so I don’t have to get a lot from this pick. Stiller has a likable quality and a Tom Cruise impression in his bag of SNL tricks, and Tom Cruise is very popular to mock nowadays, and I can milk that gag like the real show, and he can…
Wait a minute. CRAP!
TRACY MORGAN! IT WAS TRACY MORGAN! I WAS GOING TO TEAM HIM WITH EDDIE MURPHY AND I’D HAVE BRIAN FELLOW AND ASTRONAUT JONES AND HIS 40+ IMPRESSIONS AND ARRRRRGGGHHH I AM SO STUPID AND I FEEL NAUSEOUS AND I WANT TO CRY! DO OVER! DO OVER! DO OVER! WAAAAAAAH! WHY?!? WHY AM I SUCH AN IDIOT?!?
Luckily, this draft was done through iChat, not live. My poker face remains intact. But if anyone picks Tracy Morgan, I’m going to puke.
Let me breathe into this paper sack for a moment. Rob, make your pick.
Rob Terrell selects Rachel Dratch
Rachel Dratch was definitely on my short list for women castmembers. Unlike others I could name, Dratch’s characters had more depth, more nuances, and weren’t just a variation of Dratch herself. I know Rob’s gotta be happy about this pick.
(Note: Did anyone else see the “Law and Order†episode from this season with Nora Dunn? When did she turn into Penny Marshall? If this draft took into account anything but their SNL careers, I would start to regret picking Dunn over Dratch. I mean, how many “Laverne and Shirley†parodies can you do in 2006?)
Alan Benson selects Danitra Vance
I… I don’t know anything about her! I know she was on SNL for a year and all, but… I don’t think I’ve ever seen her perform. I heard she died, although I don’t think she died of AIDS, like other people keep telling me. I got nothing here. Was she better than Julia Sweeney? Or Amy Poehler?
Don’t know what else to say, except considering who’s drafting, I’m not that surprised.
Jason Torchinsky selects Julia Sweeney
Finally, someone’s drafted Pat.
The first time I saw “It’s Pat,†I thought it was very funny. And the second time, a little less so. Then, the next dozen times, I wondered how many times can they do the same sketch? Well, that “Single White Female†parody was pretty good. But Pat is a hall-of-fame SNL character, right?
Julia Sweeney’s more than just Pat, though. I’m shocked that she’s lasted this long. And it was Jason who was smart enough to pick her. Weird, huh?
T. Mike Childs selects Ana Gasteyer
I’m still upset about this whole Ben Stiller/Tracy Morgan business. I can’t think straight. T. Mike, just tell us why you selected Gasteyer:
Round 9: I’ve filled my male slots and news slots. I needs me women!!! Another long wait for me as the snake bites my ass now: All the decent women are getting snapped up left and right. Molly Shannon! Maya Rudolph! Rachel Dratch! Julia Sweeney! Even Mary Gross was taken! What’s left?! Doh!!! Quick, to IMDB! Panic, panic, panic, Surely there must be someone left?! Someone I’ve heard of?! Ah! Ana Gasteyer! Please, don’t let her get taken!!!! Yes, I get Ana. Phew. A decent female cast member to atone for the sentimental Victoria Jackson pick.
–T. Mike Childs
Great explanation, jackass. Well. Let me just say that Ana Gast… fuck it, let’s just end this round, okay?
Round Nine recap
Who was the bonehead this round? Me. I’m sick to my stomach. In fact, I don’t want to recap shit right now. Go away. Goodbye.
I’m sorry. It’s just the draft was going so well for me. Hey, Alan picked Danitra Vance over Julia Sweeney and Amy Poehler. That was dumb, right? Isn’t that dumber?
No, it’s not dumber. Maybe as dumb, but not dumber. Or is it? Rats. I’ve got no perspective anymore. Gotta get my head right. I’ll do better in Round Ten. Promised.