Aw man, don’t you hate it when you have a back yard Fourth of July cookout, and you have that one uncle who you didn’t want to invite, but had to, and you didn’t think he’d come anyway, but he did, and then you thought “well, as long as he doesn’t get drunk,” but then he does, and then you think, “please don’t sing, please don’t sing, please don’t sing,” and sure enough he starts singing, and then, AND THEN he then tries to drunkenly cajole everyone ELSE into singing with him, and you think things can’t possibly get any worse BUT THEN YOUR DRUNKEN UNCLE PULLS OUT SONGBOOKS, and starts handing them out, you know, so EVERYONE can SING ALONG.

Well that’s what’s obviously happened on the cover of this beer company promotional songbook, only the uncle is… UNCLE SAM. And your back yard? It’s AMERICA. (Did we blow your mind yet?)

Man, Druncle Sam is sure feeling it up there, isn’t he? He is right at the supreme moment of drunkeness.

Did we mention your uncle owns HIS OWN BATON? You know, the better to conduct his not-so-spontaneous singalongs.

WTF! My home state is using my hard earned tax money to recall license plates with the potenially offensive letters W-T-F on them. Seriously, here’s a news story. (the story also has a link to a wonderfully produced slide show that teaches parents that the letter p stands for parents.)

Why stop there? Why not just go ahead and ban the letter F? I mean it stands for FUCK doesn’t it? I don’t want my child seeing the letter F any more.  Cause if they see the letter F they may learn how to spell FUCK. We should ban C too. There’s several reasons for that letter to go away. How about B? A is out. D? Definitely D. Shit! We’ve got to get rid of S.  

My current car tag’s letters are XTK. What does that represent?  Xylophone Tit Kum or X-Box Twat Kock. Oh, my god my car’s a menace.

Letters are dangerous people. You better watch out for them.

Thank God George Carlin didn’t live to see this.

So by now I’m sure every comedy dork and laughter enthusiast has heard that the legendary George Carlin is dead. I’m bothering to actually post about it because once, many years ago, I won some comedy contest and got to open for George Carlin when he performed at UNC. I met him backstage, and found him to be very approachable and unpretentious.

He’s also the first celebrity I pulled my universally-adored “call the famous guy by the wrong famous guy name” gag: I called him “Slappy White“; and let me tell you, got big laughs. This gag was so big about 7 or so years later I had an encore to do it again, this time to Eric Idle, who I called “Benny Hill.” I’m hoping by 2014 I’ll get to call Jon Stewart “Jimmy Fallon.” 

Opening for George Carlin really was a huge honor, and I think the biggest crowd I’ve ever been in front of without brandishing a weapon. So thanks, Mr.Carlin, and have fun using the word “Cocksucker” in front of Ghandi and some saints.

[Update: Edited 6/24/08, see below.]

Recently a picture was posted to the Inside Carolina message board which purported to show the contents of Coach K’s trashcan. The picture showed printed pages with ESPN’s prediction that “Tar Heels will be overwhelming favorites to win it all,” apparently discarded in disgust. A number of us UNC fans enjoyed a good laugh, but almost immediately the guy received a ton of pressure from some shadowy Duke figures to remove the picture and story, and in less than a day he did so. [I have been asked to shroud even the story behind the picture in secrecy.] Thus only the most IC-addicted fans knew about it. I had saved a copy of the picture, but the guy asked me to remove it.

However, this was too much fun to let disappear. So, I mocked up my own version of the trash can picture. Note to shadowy Duke boosters: I guarantee that this picture does not show Coach K’s trash can, nor any of his actual trash, although there may be some resemblance.

Click to see it larger.

Note to ICers: yes, I know the proper spelling of Duke is “dook,” but I decided it was important to get this story indexed by Technorati and Google with the school’s own improper spelling.

[I received this email yesterday. — Rob]

June 6, 2008
Re: sexbots going off to war dream

Dear : Robert Terrell and Jason Torchinsky,

It has come to my attention that you have made an unauthorized use of my copyrighted short film entitled “Danny Bot” (the “Work”). I have reserved all rights in the Work, which was first published in teh Internet on 2004, and I have registered the copyright.

Your dream entitled “Bring Our Sexbots Home” is essentially identical to the Work and clearly used the Work as its basis: http://www.dannybot.com/
As you neither asked for nor received permission to use the Work as the basis for your dream, nor to make or distribute copies, including electronic copies, of same, or to talk about, discuss, or convey through email, instant message, billboards, sign language, ham radio, semaphore, pig latin, or ubbi-dubbi; I believe you have willfully infringed my rights under 17 U.S.C. Section 101 et seq. and could be liable for statutory damages as high as $150,000 as set forth in Section 504(c)(2) therein.

I demand that you immediately cease any and all infringing dreams derived from the Work, and all copies of said dream, including electronic copies, memories, recollections, reminiscences, impressions, memes, or engrams of same, and that you deliver to me, if applicable, all unused, undistributed copies, memories, recollections, reminiscences, impressions, memes, or engrams of same, or destroy such copies memories, recollections, reminiscences, impressions, memes, or engrams immediately and that you desist from this or any other infringement, conscious, unconscious, or subconscious of my rights in the future. If I have not received an affirmative response from you by Thermidor 19, 2100, indicating that you have fully complied with these requirements, I shall bring further action against you.

Very truly yours,

Daniel J. Bot
http://www.dannybot.com/

An IM with Jason Torchinsky 5/14/08 11:02 PM. (Edited for clarity and typos.)

I had a dream last night about robots.

finally! tell me more

There was a war, and every man was required to give up two of the female robots he keeps around for sex and send them off to fight the war. 

not my sexbots!

I had about six or seven. They were standing in a group outside when I told them the news. I picked the older models with the more mechanical parts to off and fight the war. However, you refused to let them take yours.

I find it amazing that sex bots are equally suited to war.

You wanted to go fight yourself, so you could leave your sex robots at home.

wow. I have my priorities in line. were the sex bots really mechanical-looking, or like real dolls?

The older ones looked mechanical, and the newer ones were basically biological. I told you to send the old sexbot you made yourself, which you made by building a wheeled assembly around a Fleshlight. But you said that was your favorite.

well, I did make it myself

Anyway, clearly I’ve got issues, but I think highly of your altruism.

I appreciate that. that’s a hell of a dream. would make a great movie. so this war is fought entirely with sexbots?

If men had to send their sex-bots to war, there would be less war.

that’s probably true. why couldn’t the lawnmowing ones do it?

I’m also curious about the “older models” you sent. I’m imagining they were more like the one from metropolis. c3P0 with tits.

Yeah, they were vaguely like that, only hotter. If that’s possible.

I just hope we win and can bring our sexbots home

What if we lose? to another sex-bot army?

do they get our sexbots? 

Or will those sex-bots take over and make us… do things?

So yeah, we blew up the old blog. It was a group effort. T. Mike helped by not backing up the database, I did my share by upgrading the blog software. Alan and Galen were nearby when it happened, and they made no heroic lunges at the keyboard to prevent us. Only Charles gets a pass, because a tree fell on his house and he left early. 

Now we’ve got this WordPress blog. Hopefully it’ll be simpler to use. I’ll import the database files we do have later on. 

…and hello, WordPress.

Because if there’s one thing Jesus understands, it’s how hard it is to get out of bed on the Sunday after Good Friday. Am I right, people? Go ahead, sleep in. How much different does the sun look at 6am than 10am? Besides, it’s Easter it’s not like there are gonna be presents or anything. Maybe some candy and eggs, but nothing cool like a racing set or a Barbie.

Hey! It’s Valentine’s time! And in the current VGG tradition of barely updating this site with old content, ghost-ship style, here’s another bit of holiday fun from a former day of what we assumed was glory.

Valentine Cards, of the disappointing virtual variety, suitable for sending to an alleged sweetie as your way of saying, “I barely care about this holiday– for eternity, my love, eternity!”