Now that the Van Gogh-Goghs have taught you how to waste time at work, you’ve probably found that your once-busy workdays have mellowed into the dull hazy soup of inertia every cubicle-dweller longs for. But working man and woman cannot live by soup alone, no matter how hazy it is. Somedays you need to spark a little action into the parade of soul-crushing utter boredom that you laughably call “a life” (no offense).

Based on research from the mighty VGG Labs, there’s no better way to generate a little worktime fun than by creeping the hell out of your co-workers. Using these 26 sure-fire tips, you will soon be the most popular person around the office (if, by “popular,” you mean the guy or gal most likely to inspire others to say “whoa, that person is creepy”).

1. As soon as someone you’re talking to is done using a pen, pick it up and lick it. 

2. Walk out of bathroom, stop, pause a few seconds, take a few deep breaths, then dash back in.
3. Follow someone home, when they get to the door, honk, wave, say “so you’re ok then?” and drive off. Repeat until court order.
4. When the person you’re meeting with stands up, put your hand where they were sitting and say “ooh that’s warm.”
5. While carpooling, make the group stop at a drug store so you can buy condoms.
6. Place 50 framed pictures of the Olsen twins on your desk. For bonus creepout points, cut one of the twins out of all the pictures.
7. During an important meeting, lean forward to make a point while placing your hand firmly on someone else’s upper thigh.
8. Vaseline your hand, then shake someone else’s hand.
9. Give out framed pictures of yourself to every one of your co-workers
10. When someone is talking to you, take the opportunity to groom them.
11. When someone drops food, grab it and eat it.

12. Hug someone you’re not dating or related to just a little too long. 
13. Keep underwear in your pocket and make a point of dropping it whenever you pull out your keys. Always say “so that’s where those got to!”
14. Constantly offer to take other people’s temperature.
15. Keep your hands abnormally cold, then be very touchy-feely.
16. Bring up in conversation that you know where to buy chloroform for cheap.
17. Whenever someone is in the bathroom, lean in close to the outside of the door so that your face is the first thing they see.
18. Make lots of noise while in a bathroom stall, then walk out very sweaty, clutching a picture of Johnny 5 from “Short Circuit.”
19. Call every woman you meet “mommy.”
20. Buy a hoagie, then stand in corner humping it.
21. Breezily annouce when you come in to work: “I peed my bed again last night.”
22. Every time you get excited or interested in something, grab your crotch.
23. Tape a picture of someone on your arm, kiss it occasionally.
24. Keep an urn full of ashes at your desk.
25. Instead of talking to people, take a Polaroid of them and talk to the Polaroid. When the conversation is over, stick the photo on one of those memo spikes
26. When co-workers ask if you want to go to lunch, say no. Then follow them to the restaurant, sit nearby, and laugh when they do.

from:    Lindsey <warrantyhq@gmail.com>
to:    thevggs(at)vgg.com
date:    Mon, Jun 15, 2009 at 7:50 PM
subject:    Link Exchange

Dear Webmaster,

I visited your site http://www.vgg.com and liked it a lot. I have a related website and I would like to know if you would be interested in exchanging links with my site. This will help both your site and mine to gain search engine popularity…Would you be interested? If so, please consider listing us here: http://www.vgg.com/links/ Our text link details are:

Title: Extended Warranties
Description: Protect your car with a comprehensive extended warranty from Warranty Headquarters.
URL: http://www.warrantyheadquarters.com

Then let me know where our link is located on your site and send me your information if you would like a link back.

Thanks,
Lindsey
WarrantyHeadquarters.com
16443 N. 91st St. C103
Scottsdale, AZ 85260

Note: If you would like not to receive any further communications from me, please paste this link into your browser: ?id=c9QAnVrQq2a
Or simply respond to this email with Remove as the subject.

Jason Torchinsky <jason(at)vgg.com>
to    Lindsey <warrantyhq(at)gmail.com>
cc    thevggs(at)vgg.com
date    Mon, Jun 15, 2009 at 8:01 PM
subject    Re: Link Exchange

ABSOLUTELY.

We can’t think of a better synergy than our comedy website and your borderline-scam auto extended warranty site! This is truly a match made in heaven, and I for one am thankful, profoundly, that the fates and technology conspired to bring us together. The mind races with the possibilities of what we can achieve together– our site providing mild entertainment, a brief, furtive distraction from the day, while your endeavor swoops in and gives them that nearly useless extended warranty to all the shut-ins and half-wits that don’t know any better and comprise our readership.

It’s really amazing. Is there any way I could get you guys to call my cellphone more? I have 30+ year old cars I think the factory warranties may just have run out, so I’d love to know about it more, and possibly constantly. Do you offer a program where, instead of the constant phone calls, you can send someone to sleep on my lawn and remind me about your extended warranties?

Again, thank you so much for taking the time to seek us out and partner with us. To complete this, please send your link on acid-free archival paper along with an link-exchange fee payment of $1500.

Thanks again!

Gus Levy
VGG Web Outreach and Synergy Admin

Tip number 105: When you’re buying liquor for your shower, remember:

Buy your spirits in plastic bottles, because the tub can get really slippery and you’re drunk.

If you need to, you may wish to consider decanting your spirits from their glass containers into a plastic bottle, such as a Mrs. Butterworth’s bottle, who’s pleasing feminine form allows for a good grip.

Just another helpful tip from your friends at vgg.com.

Dr. Joe-
Why do people get constipated? It’s been happening a lot lately. What shuold I do? HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bad Breath

In humanity’s prehistoric form, constipation was a process of conservation. Excrement would be preserved and hardened in the colon; new excrement would be added to the solidifying mass. Eventually, the mass would become incredibly dense — heavier than an equivalent chunk of bronze. Medical anthropologists have found that prehistoric man would literally “drag his ass” around on ground during this phase. Finally, the mass would be passed via the Lacan Duct, a second sphincter modern humans no longer possess. The excrement itself would be used as fuel for fires, as a base for soup stocks, or as a symbolic artifact used during what passed for early man’s religious ceremonies.

Today, constipation is merely an irritating reminder that all humans evolved from an older, more disgusting, form. To flush your system, drink plenty of liquids. If you can find water polluted with heavy metals, drink that — the metal will bond to the turd, weighing it down and making it easier to pass.

Also, if you’ve been taking a lot of drugs lately, you can get constipated from cramming them in your ass.