Dammit. Yesterday we made our election prediction that NO howler monkeys would be elected. We honestly thought that now-Senator-Elect Ook had no chance of getting elected. Looks like the American public was more fed up with the Republican Party than we thought. Also, don’t bother emailing us about Congressman Ooohaha, he’s a spider monkey and was a shoo-in for re-election. That’s why we specified no howler monkeys.
Dammit.
Tip number 105: When you’re buying liquor for your shower, remember:
Buy your spirits in plastic bottles, because the tub can get really slippery and you’re drunk.
If you need to, you may wish to consider decanting your spirits from their glass containers into a plastic bottle, such as a Mrs. Butterworth’s bottle, who’s pleasing feminine form allows for a good grip.
Just another helpful tip from your friends at vgg.com.
While you’re voting, take a moment to reflect back to six years ago, when the Van Gogh-Goghs held the 1st online election for Movie President of the United States of America. Our nigh-prescient election had Alan Alda winning the election. Alda, as California Senator Arnold Vinick, would have won the 2006 election on The West Wing, if John Spencer, the actor playing his opponent’s vice presidential candidate, had not died in real life (See this article.) So with such a record under our belt, we feel free to prognosticate again. This time, we’re going out on a limb and say absolutely NO howler monkeys will be elected.
To celebrate the anniversary of our Lord and savior (President William Howard Taft) being nailed to a pumpkin, and then rising again three days later as a scary, scary ghost demanding candy, The Van Gogh-Goghs present our collection of Halloween comedy!
In the defense of his fantasy Saturday Night Live team: T. Mike has only one thing to say:
T. Mike’s team eats bitches like your teams and shits them out like the bitches they are. Bitch, you just got bitch-shitted, bitch- how’s that make your bitch self feel, bitch?
All y’all haterz just be riding T. Mike’s jock.
The Van Gogh-Goghs need YOU! We’ve created our fantasy Saturday Night Live casts! We had a draft, went through the rounds, oy such drama! Well now it’s time for you, the Internet surfing public to cast your vote for the best team!!!! Use the comments link to post YOUR VOTE!
As a reminder, here are the team rosters:
Galen Black’s Team: John Belushi, Gilda Radner, Jan Hooks, Tina Fey (newscaster), Don Novello, Billy Crystal, Garrett Morris, Maya Rudolph, Fred Armisen, Terry Sweeney.
Charles Rempel’s Team: Eddie Murphy, Bill Murray, Jon Lovitz, Darrell Hammond, Joe Piscopo, Ben Stiller, Nora Dunn, Jane Curtin, Kristen Wiig, Jane Curtin (newscaster).
Rob Terrell’s Team: Chevy Chase (newscaster), Will Ferrell, Chevy Chase, Chris Kattan, David Spade, Tim Meadows, Rachel Dratch, Molly Shannon, Cheri Oteri, Jimmy Fallon.
Alan Benson’s Team: Al Franken, Dennis Miller (newscaster), Dan Aykroyd, Laraine Newman, Harry Shearer, Mary Gross, A. Whitney Brown, Tim Kazurinsky, Danitra Vance, Michael O’Donoghue.
Jason Torchinsky’s Team: Phil Hartman, Chris Elliott, Chris Rock, Martin Short, Christopher Guest, Brian Doyle-Murray, Kevin Nealon (newscaster), Sarah Silverman, Julia Sweeney, Amy Poehler.
T. Mike Childs’ Team: Mike Myers, Dana Carvey, Adam Sandler, Chris Farley, Rob Schneider, Horatio Sanz, Victoria Jackson, Ana Gasteyer, Robin Duke, Norm MacDonald (newscaster).
Use the comments link to post YOUR VOTE for the best (and worst) team!!!
It’s Halloween time again, when Black Santa hitches up his eight tiny daemons to his sleigh and brings candy and terror to all the good and terrified kids. Then he chugs the glass of blood you left for him and makes his way back to his Dark Castle in Romania. Good times!
And, no Halloween is complete without some ritualistic pumpkin-multilation, so why not use these Classic Van Gogh-Gogh Pumpkin Carving tips?
In the classic Japanese film Shichinin no Samurai, Yul Brenner plays a cowboy who along with six other gun slinging samurai protect a small Japanese village of Mexican peasants from marauding Mexican Samurai bandits. The heroes not only protect the village, but teach the townspeople to fight for themselves as well.
The Magnificent 10 Samurai will do the same and not only protect you from bandits in this league whose aim is to steal your laughter, but they will teach you poor villagers to laugh again.
THE HEAD SAMURAI:
The unmatched comic legends John Belushi and Gilda Radner lead my team of comedic Samurai. Each brings to the fight a wealth of characters and imitations that transcend time. Blush’s wields mighty swords and brings his shinning steel swinging: The Samurai Futaba, “Cheeboyger, Cheeboyger”, Joe Cocker, The Bee, and of course the only Blues Brother that matters, “Joliet” Jake Blues. Radner enters this competition with guns a blazing: Baba Wawa, Emily Litella, the nerd Lisa Loopner, and of course the incomparable Roseanne Roseannadanna.
THE SECOND BANANA SAMURAI
I could sideline both my leads for a week and you’d barely know they’re gone, because Billy Crystal and Jan Hooks will be there to keep the laughs flying. You don’t believe me? Billy Crystal brings Fernando Lamas, Joe Franklin, Muhammad Ali (an impression even the Champ loved) and Sammy Davis Jr. Jan Hooks can transform herself into a hilarious interpretation of any female in the news and her experience with Hillary Clinton will surely come in handy for the next two years.
WEEKEND UPDATE SAMURAI
When Saturday Night Live is at it’s worst, usually Weekend Update is still worth waiting for. Weekend Update was the Daily Show before Jon Stewart told his first joke. There have been some mighty fine anchors through the years, but none brought the intelligent wit that Ms. Tina Fey has charmed us with. She’s one of the top 3 weekend update anchors of all time, logging more time behind the desk than any other SNL alum. When you’re tired of laughing at Belushi, Radner, Crystal and Hooks, Fey’s gonna ride into town and give you even more to laugh at.
THE REST OF THE SAMURAI
If I were a good sport I would tell my top players to knock off early every show and we’d catch up with them at the after party. I could, without fear, leave the final third of the show to my remaining cast and no one would turn the channel before the final wave goodnight. Just look at the rest of my field: Fred Armisen, Maya Rudolph, Garrett Morris, Don Novello, and of course Terry Sweeney. Rudolph has the funny singing chops to skewer any pop sensation past, present or future. Her ambiguous race gives her the power to slip into any character regardless of being black, white, Hispanic or space alien. Her and Fred Armisen give me versatility in characters unmatched by any cast in this competition.
Garrett Morris is my secret weapon against whitey. Morris was woefully underused in his stint on SNL, but as a member of the Magnificent 10 Samurai that mistake will not be repeated.
I’ve been told Don Novello is just a one trick pony. Well, duh! That’s why I picked him; I picked him for his fabulous one trick. In the current political and religious climate the world needs Father Guido Sarducci more than ever. Why SNL didn’t have the good father back on the air at the height of the pedophile priest scandal is a mystery to me.
Finally, I present Terry Sweeney. There’s nothing more funny in comedy than a man in a dress, if you don’t believe me ask the Kids in the Hall, Monty Python and Uncle Miltie. Cross Dressing is funny and that’s a fact and no one on SNL did it better.
There you have it, the best team in this fantasy league. The Magnificent Ten Samurai.
Disgust, pity, and dismay are like three old, dear, familiar friends to me, and this whole fantasy SNL draft thing sure gave them ample opportunity to pay me a visit. Now, I realize that my cast selections have been viewed with the most confusion and anger, so I suppose I’d better take a moment and explain exactly what the hell it was that I was thinking, and, as many of you have speculated, smoking.
First off, I don’t recall smoking anything, unless you count a clove cigarette packed with hash and soaked in PCP, which I don’t.
And, for my thinking, I suspect that I viewed this whole fantasy Saturday Night Live cast thing in a very different way than everyone else. See, I was putting a lot of stock into the ‘fantasy’ part, meaning my goal was to pick the cast that I’d most like to see. All this crap about statistics and formulae and generally playing this thing to “win” strikes me as pretty sad, but what the hell.
Also, it should be made clear that I haven’t donated any rat parts whatsoever about SNL since I was in high school. Like most dorks, I loved SNL when I was between 13-18, and it sure as hell was an influence in my dream to one day fail to make it as a bigshot comic. But, as I grew older, the shows seemed more and more tedious, and after a few years it became hard to imagine anything more unpleasant than trying to sit through the lumbering last half hour of the show. I’m wildly unfamiliar with any of the recent casts, too. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have nothing but respect for those who’ve made it to SNL, whether I like what they do or not; it’s just that recently, it hasn’t grabbed me in that improper way I wish it would.
But I know what I like, and I know what and who I think is funny. And I tried to pick those people. I didn’t really factor what these people did on SNL as much as their larger body of work and the perceived potential they have: I mean, after all, this is a FANTASY cast, right? So why limit a talented cast member just to what some short-sighted and unadventurous producer could see at some time in the past? I mean, my first pick was a fucking DEAD man; why can’t I extrapolate some of the great stuff I know Sarah Silverman is capable of?
And, I have another, hidden agenda: I love trouble. I like my television a bit chaotic and nothing’s more exciting to see on TV than a total disaster, LIVE! I’d like my cast to have the potential for that. I think my cast may be the most likely one to get bleeped until it sounds like an EBS warning signal. I think my cast may be the most likely to have the show abruptly end midway into a wildly ill-advised but hopefully funny sketch. I hope for picketing, boycotts, fires, pixellated nudity, bedlam.
Hopefully this helps understand my cast: I have pretty much an even split between very funny, adaptable and capable players and unpredictable, funny, troublemakers.
On the stable side I have Phil Hartman, a colossally talented man who can pull off most anything; clearly, he’s the foundation of whatever’s going to actually work on the show. I have Christopher Guest, also a gifted character performer and improviser, and Martin Short, energetic, adaptable and solid. Julia Sweeney is a skilled character-generator and had one of the few SNL characters to make the transition to a movie (which flopped, like most of these SNL-characters- to-movies do, so I won’t hold that against her). Along with them we have relative newcomer Amy Poehler, who also seems to have what it takes to hold some funny shit together, and everyone says is being used an assload in the current season. This group is Order.
Then we have Chaos. Chris Elliott, picked way too early (technically) solely because I’ve always found Chris Elliot hilarious and I don’t give a damn what anyone thinks. He’s great and a he’s a loon, and I know this could be used far better than he was actually employed on the show. Remember him on Letterman? Guy Under the Stairs? Fugitive Guy? Marlon Brando? I know that wasn’t on SNL, but it’s fantasy, remember? Sarah Silverman, while, yes, minimal on the actual show, has proved herself since then to be funny, offensive, and fearless: all qualities that could be put to very effective use. Chris Rock is a funny man in his own right, and has some untapped character skills once you get past that voice. He can be really great in the right contexts.
And, okay, Brian Doyle Murray was mostly picked for his mild obesity and his former work with Chris Elliott, where he always had a very funny gruff-but-revolting kind of charm.
Kevin Nealon was a good newscaster; his porn reviews consisting entirely of describing his level of interest are now even more relevant, and I remember always liking his “what I’m really trying to say” editorials.
This is a lot of rambling, but I suppose you nice internet folks deserve some justification for my admittedly unconventional casting. I think if you keep in mind that my goals are divided between great sketch comedy and spectacular disaster, it makes sense. I expect much my cast to be banned from performing about halfway through the season, but it should prove a hell of a ride.
Who says we don’t listen to our fans? Other than our fans? Well, we do. Because we’ve gotten requests for Violated by Bears Man shirts, and now we have them.
Now you too can look like America’s most pitiable superhero!
