…and hello, WordPress.

Hey! It’s Valentine’s time! And in the current VGG tradition of barely updating this site with old content, ghost-ship style, here’s another bit of holiday fun from a former day of what we assumed was glory.

Valentine Cards, of the disappointing virtual variety, suitable for sending to an alleged sweetie as your way of saying, “I barely care about this holiday– for eternity, my love, eternity!”

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Who says we don’t listen to our fans? Other than our fans? Well, we do. Because we’ve gotten requests for Violated by Bears Man shirts, and now we have them.

Now you too can look like America’s most pitiable superhero!

Now that the draft is complete, and Rob has enlightened us with his scientific approach to sketch comedy (which sure explains a lot about Rob’s sketch comedy “career”), I feel duty-bound to share with you the greatness that is The Gumby Lounge Singers (and if you don’t know the derivation of the name, may I suggest a more remedial class?).

Alan had a great idea about naming a bandleader, and since it was his addition to the game, I’m following his rules. I’m guessing I can pick an actual Saturday Night Live bandleader if I want, but he picked a memorable musical act from the many who performed on SNL: Shane MacGowan, drunken frontman of The Pogues. In that same vein, I’m picking a musician with a checkered SNL past: Elvis Costello. He was banned from the show for switching songs (he was asked not to play “Radio Radio” because of its lyrics, and he switched during the live show, which also put the show behind schedule), but he’s back in the good graces again, and he’s my choice to lead the band.

So with Elvis Costello conducting, and the band blaring the SNL theme, it’s time to meet the cast. Don Pardo, take it away!

I said, Don Pardo, take it away!

Hmm, Don must be at lunch. Okay, I’ll tell you about The Gumby Lounge Singers:

The men
Eddie Murphy, Bill Murray, Jon Lovitz, Darrell Hammond, Joe Piscopo, and Ben Stiller

This may be the best collection of male cast members in the league. I have two charismatic leading men in Murphy and Murray. Lovitz and Piscopo would be the stars on any other cast, but here they complement the top bananas with legendary characters of their own. Impressions will be a team strength, especially with Hammond and Piscopo anchoring the squad. Even Ben Stiller (who I mistakenly picked over Tracy Morgan) will contribute through his impressions and boyish charm.

The women
Nora Dunn, Jane Curtin, and Kristen Wiig

I’m very happy with the women I’ve selected, I think they are all immensely talented and three of the best actresses to perform on SNL, yet I can see that in general they fit the same category. Dunn has some crazy characters, and really it’s too early in Wiig’s career to generalize, but the three of them have a more subtle approach to sketch comedy. I could have an awesome Nora Ephron-written sketch about three society women at lunch with these ladies. I should have grabbed a goofball like Rachel Dratch or Cheri Oteri to complement the styles (hmmm, Rob has Oteri and Dratch, along with Molly Shannon; looks like he’s in the same situation only with goofballs).

The Weekend Update anchor
Jane Curtin

Like I said in the Round Ten summary, Curtin was one of the earliest (replacing Chevy Chase behind the desk), one of the longest-running (80 episodes, tied for third most all-time), and simply one of the best anchors ever on Saturday Night Live. She has a great catchphrase, “Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow,” and that is critical for a quality anchor. She’ll have to bring her “A” game every week, though; unlike other casts (especially Alan’s), my team is a little weak at Update commentaries. Thank the heavens above for Darrell Hammond.

Overall, I’m very pleased. Is this the perfect cast? Of course not, but no cast ever will. The Gumby Lounge Singers, though, has to be considered one of the favorites to win the Fantasy SNL League.

This email was sent by Rob to the others the morning after the draft.

So, Good morning, bitches. (No offense intended; I use that term scientifically, as I will explain below.) I hope you’ve slept off your draft-induced hangovers and are now staring, groggily, at your poor excuse for a cast, wondering what in God’s name you were thinking. Because your cast sucks. At least, from the scientific standpoint.

Science is that wonderful arbiter of objectivity. (Objectivity is that wonderful trait that helps us avoid, say, picking Chris Elliot when Bill Murray is still available.) Science is based on fact and observation. Using the SNL web site, I was able to download a series of facts about each of the cast members: number of seasons on the cast, number of guest appearances, number of repeating characters, and number of impressions performed. Using these stats, I devised a formula to generate each player’s objective “power ranking.”

The formula is weighted, so that some factors matter more (i.e. if you’re on the cast for just one season, you’re not getting ranked very high, no matter how many impressions you can do).

Based on this formula, the top ten cast members include: Phil Hartman (#1 power ranking), Will Ferrell, Darrell Hammond, Dana Carvey, Tim Meadows, Jon Lovitz, and Jan Hooks. Each of these had a power ranking of 78 or higher. (Galen — your side bet was a sucker’s bet.)

Now, although only a few of these are emotional fan favorites, please remember, science knows best. Many emotional favorites are near the top of the list, to be sure, so they get their due. But it’s true that some founding cast members tend to trail some of the more recent cast members, perhaps because their lust for Hollywood, cocaine, or the grave led them to leave the show too early, and thus not develop the “power” of, say, a Horatio Sanz.

Some of the worst are: Peter Akroyd (1.5 power score), Chris Elliot (a 3.5 score) and Sarah Silverman (a 4.5 score) — sorry, Jason. For reference, Gilbert Gottfried is scored at 4.5. So you can see, the rankings do work. But some of our favorites are these cellar dwellers. Drafting favorites, or hiring a cast member because you wish you could fuck her, can lead to very low power rankings, and herpes.

So, how did we do? Not so good. Galen’s number-one overall pick, John Belushi, had a power ranking of 23. The number two pick overall, Charles’ Eddie Murphy, had a power ranking of 40. My pick, number three overall, was Chevy Chase with a power ranking of 31. Clearly, Billy Beane we’re not.

By this formula, each cast’s combined power ranking is (in draft order):
Galen: 408.5

Galen’s cast is, from the first pick, mid-level players. Not until he drafts Jan Hooks (his third selection) does he sniff the top ten. Don Novello (#63) was picked at least two rounds too early. Amazingly, Galen left plenty of firepower on the table with each pick. I’ll admit it. He rattled me. I could not imagine what he was thinking. I suppose he was aiming for a funny, rather than powerful, cast. Weird. What saved his bacon were the late picks of Fred Amisen (power ranking of 26) and Maya Rudolph (power ranking of 18) in the late rounds. Tina Fey (#60 overall, #5 anchor) for news was a solid, although not spectacular, choice.
Charles: 472

Now, clearly, Charles knows this shit cold. He’s obviously participated in many mock drafts before, and he was ready to intimidate. After Galen’s pick of John Belushi for #1 overall, Charles lets Galen know: “YOU FUCKED UP!!!” Indeed, Galen did. But then so did Charles. His pick, for #2 overall, was Eddie Murphy — a top 50 candidate, to be sure, but he ignored Phil Hartman (power ranking #1). Charles proceeds to load up from the top tier of the power rankings: Murray (#21), Lovitz (#8 power ranking), and later Hammond (#4) and Piscopo (#26). But he’s picking with heart, not his brain. A man of science would have cherry-picked Hammond before Murray. And later he picks Stiller (#74), who apparently stored up his power-ranking for his own TV show. After the 4th round selection of Nora Dunn (#34), Charles thought Kristen Wiig (#82) was the best woman left — forgetting that Tina Fey (#60) was still available as an actress. Or maybe he had the yips: Julia-Louis Dreyfus (#52), Ana Gasteyer (#12), Julia Sweeney (#49), Amy Poehler (#13), and Rachel Dratch (#11) were all available when he made his boneheaded Ben Stiller pick. But overall, Charles’ cast is one of the strongest.
(I’ll save myself for last.)
Alan: 257

From the very first — Al Franken (#37) — Alan dug himself into the cellar. It was yet another first-round selection that let #1 Phil Hartman slide. Luckily, Dan Ackroyd (#18) and Laraine Newman (#36) were huge finds lingering in the third and fourth rounds, but Alan followed those good discoveries with draft dodgers Harry Shearer (#58) and A. Whitney Brown (#71). Harry Shearer makes sense if you follow up with Christopher Guest and get some Spinal Tap skits out of it, but A. Whitney Brown in the sixth round? Hammond, Meadows, Crystal and Piscopo were all still available. (And Hammond and Meadows were still sitting at the presumed lottery picks’ table, looking more and more forlorn, their mommas crying into their big hats, as minor role take their guaranteed salaries. A travesty.) Alan does show good sense in picking up Dennis Miller in the second round, #10 overall. A good choice, because aside from his low overall score (#71) as he’s the #2 news anchor in the entire draft. I had planned on taking Miller with my first round pick, until I saw that Galen and Charles left Chevy Chase (#31 overall, #1 anchor) for the pickings. Alan mops up with Gross and Vance — both going in garbage rounds as expected — but Alan loses all sense by picking O’Donoghue (#105) in the final round, with a dozen more powerful players undrafted.
T. Mike: 534

The crazy-eye killa of this draft. He knew that, by his draft position, he’d get consecutive picks. Therefore, he could pick up any matched pair. And he got the #1 duo on the table: Myers (#15) and Carvey (#5). I’m sure he picked them in reverse power-ranking order just to fuck with our heads. Then, he picks up an all-star top-fifty supporting cast: Farley (#26), Sandler (#28), Schneider (#44), and somehow finds top-ten pick Horation Sanz (#10) in the sixth. Once the men are secured, he turns his steely-yet-crazy-eyed gaze upon the women: Jackson (#51), Gasteyer (#13), and Duke (#66). Please note that T. Mike did not make a selection below the top 66, while one of y’all bitches dipped below #66 four times — twice below 100. Who might that be?
Jason: 337.5

Jason, who claimed at the start to be the most unprepared, proved true to his word. After a making us all look dumb with his first selection, Phil Hartman (#1), Jason stank up the joint with Chris Elliot (#108). Chris Rock (#45) was a poor third-round pick, given the talent left. Martin Short (#56), Christopher Guest (#79), and Sarah Silverman (#103) were all picked a round or two too early. What’s going on? Have we found our Billy Beane? No, clearly not, as he picks the loathesome Brian Doyle-Murray (#75) and even worse Kevin Nealon (#7 anchor) for the news desk. Amy Poehler (#20) in the last round would have been an inspired selection, if it had in fact been inspired, rather than desperately picking the first remaining female cast member Galen could name.
Rob: 733

You see, you’re all my bitches. Scientifically speaking, of course.

My plan was to lock in the best newscaster I could first, and then build a cast around that. I expected to settle happily for Dennis Miller, but as I said Galen rattled me, but I was able to recover and select Chevy Chase (#1 news anchor) in the first round. I took Will Ferrell (#2) in the second round, and Chris Kattan (#4) in the third — a choice that everyone thought was mind-bogglingly dumb. (His nearly 100 power points, combined with Will Ferrell’s and Tim Meadows’ (#7), by themselves beats Jason’s total cast score.) I was playing to win, bitches. I doubled up on Chase as actor — a dumb move, considering who was left: Sanz, Farley, Hammond, et al. My heart was pounding with the excitement, and doubtless all that blood it sent into my brain was having some affect on my logic and reason. I knew that drafting Spade (#29) was like trading for Sprewell — the fans will hate the move, but his 47 points were sorely needed. Then I added Cheri Oteri (#22) for the Spartan Cheerleader skit (I half expected Charles to block me on that). Then I saw Meadows (#6) was still available, so I got them too. Molly Shannon (#19) and Rachel Dratch (#11) and were also highly-ranked undrafted players, so I mopped up with them. In the garbage round, somehow Jimmy Fallon (#8 overall, 90 power points) was standing there, hat in hand, so I grabbed him. Again, my last four selections beat Alan’s total combined cast score.
Now, secure in the knowledge of your bitchiness, you may be asking “These power rankings do, indeed, reveal heretofore unseen truths about the casts. But could they be improved?” Absolutely, but only in the context of the casts themselves. For instance, while my cast is entirely all-stars, what if they don’t gel?

T. Mike’s cast is, in fact, the cast whose parts fit together the best. This can be easily shown by listing all of the skits that his cast can perform — i.e. Mike Myers + Dana Carvey = Wayne’s World. And along these lines, Charles’ cast could too be a contender for the best cast.

The next step for these rankings is for me to generate a list of all skits and all cast members, and determine the total number of known skits that can be performed by each cast. Popular or funny skits will be weighted more highly than unpopular or unfunny skits.

Then, we’ll really see who’s the bitch here. Scientifically speaking, that is.
— Rob

Eight strong rounds, and I drop the ball in the ninth. Ugh. Luckily, my tenth round is set for me; I have to pick a newscaster, and I have my pick of what’s left. I should be able to survive this.

According to our guidelines, it’s set in stone what category people will pick from: Jason and T. Mike need to choose a woman, while Galen, Rob and Alan will select a man. The only question is whom they choose.

T. Mike Childs selects Robin Duke

Not really a BAD choice, but not an inspired choice, either. It’s a selection that justifies Galen’s Top Chick Gambit in the early rounds. Duke is fine for secondary roles, and she did a great job with the “Mr. and Mrs. T’s Bloody Mary Mix” sketch. Maybe that’s exactly what he’s looking for.

Well, T. Mike? Is that what you’re looking for?:

Round 10. I got nothing. NOTHING. I needs one mo womans, and I gots NOTHING. The last name on my female list? Robin Duke. Sigh. Whatever. Take it, slink off, and console yourself with Wayne’s World, it’s party time, it’s excellent. Man, I can’t believe Alan took Mary Gross. I thought surely, SURELY, I can get Mary Gross. Julia Louise-Dreyfuss? Please. She got funny AFTER leaving SNL.

–T. Mike Childs

I don’t think Robin Duke is a whatever/slink-off kind of pick, but that’s just me. Jason has his own opinion on this pick, but I’m not going to add it to this summary. Let’s just say it has to do with Robin Duke and her stupid fucking horse face. Oh, maybe I did add it to this summary. Never mind.

Speaking of Jason, I wonder how he’ll screw this up now. If he tries to select Don Knotts in a dress, I may have to check out airfare prices, just so I can fly to L.A. and punch him in the neck.

Jason Torchinsky selects Amy Poehler

A great pick, especially for the tenth round. I was just about to congratulate him, but then Galen admitted he made the pick for Jason. Oh well, at least he’s through drafting, right?

Amy Poehler is primed to be one of the stars of the new season. She’s still a co-anchor on Weekend Update, and she has a bevy of characters and impressions at her disposal. Personally, I think she’s too hammy, but that makes this pick even better for Jason.

(Note: In the time between the draft and the posting of this round summary, there have been two episodes of the new SNL season, and they’re working hard to make Amy Poehler THE star of the show. I mean, she’s in EVERYTHING! There are only three women on the show, and she’s muscled them out of the picture. Even Maya Rudolph! And no, I’m not just saying this because I picked Kristen Wiig (who did get a bigger role in the second show) in the eighth round. Let’s get these other cast members some more face-time!)

Alan Benson selects Michael O’Donoghue

That’s a fun choice. Fun, like a prom date’s veneral disease, am I right, people? But I kid the O’Donoghue. He does have the distinction of being in the very first sketch on Saturday Night Live, and his style of humor added that edge to SNL that everyone looks back at fondly.

Alan’s take on O’Donoghue:

I’ll leave the last round, Mister Mike, by just saying that there’s far too little so-creepy-it’s-funny stuff on modern-day TV. Also, he’s Irish, so expect lots of drunken punch-ups with Shane MacGowan (my bandleader) on Saturday Night Alan.

–Alan Benson

Bandleaders! I completely forgot about bandleaders! Dammit. Okay, Alan calls MacGowan (of the Pogues, if you didn’t know) and finishes his cast.

Rob Terrell selects Jimmy Fallon

What’s funny about this pick is I don’t think Rob could pick Jimmy Fallon out of a line-up if he had to. Fallon was definitely a fan-favorite in his years at SNL, either behind the desk with Tina Fey on Update or in his dorm room hosting a talk show with Horatio Sanz.

Yes, he would have been a better pick than Ben Stiller for me, too. Shut up. I’m over that now. You’re just trying to get into my head. Well, it won’t work. Because there’s only one choice to make here. I need a newscaster, and I’m taking the best available.

Charles Rempel selects Jane Curtin (news anchor)

Okay, you DID almost rattle me, because at the last moment I was debating about that mumblemouth Colin Quinn becoming my anchor. In the end, there was never a doubt. Jane Curtin was one of the earliest (replacing Chevy Chase behind the desk), one of the longest-running (80 episodes, tied for third most all-time), and simply one of the best. Either as a solo anchor or teamed with Dan Aykroyd or Bill Murray, she’ll give my Weekend Update anchor seat some much-needed class. Plus, she has a great catchphrase: “Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.” You gotta love that in your final pick.

So now I have both parts (actor and anchor) of Jane Curtin, and I saved my draft. Hooray!

Galen, let’s end this draft of a high note.

Galen Black selects Terry Sweeney

You won’t hear a bad word from me here. Terry Sweeney is the only SNL cast member I ever met, and I think that holds true for every member of the Van Gogh-Goghs (we met him at the Big Stinkin’ Festival in Austin, Texas, one year). He was super-friendly, and even had questions about our group (he researched us through our little ol’ website).

Now, because of this meeting, I don’t know if I’ve softened my thoughts on Sweeney or not. I remember he had a high energy throughout his time at SNL, and he did a very good Nancy Reagan impression. If he weren’t there during the Anthony Michael Hall year, things might have been different. Or not. Like I say, I may be biased now.

So let this be a little lesson to you Hollywood phonies out there: be nice to your fans.

Here’s Galen’s take:

I had the final choice of the night and I threw the choice away. I have big plans for Terry Sweeney, but I could have made a better choice. Tracy Morgan was still on the list and I passed him over to take Sweeney, because men in drag are funny and there aren’t many of the SNL cast who do female impersonation better. He still has the best Nancy Reagan impersonation of any of the SNL Alum.

–Galen Black

You can’t use him as a Sweeney Sister, Galen. Get that thought out of your head right now.

Round Ten recap

First, remind me to pick a bandleader. That idea by Alan was primo.

The end seemed a bit anti-climactic, didn’t it? After Alan taking Al Franken in the first round and my bumbling in the ninth, not to mention all of Jason’s nutjob moves, the final round was a little too safe. Jason and Rob got solid actors and I got a premier newscaster. Alan and Galen went sentimental, and T. Mike just decided to grab any girl and end this painful charade.

Our full rosters, with each Van Gogh-Gogh weighing in on his cast, will be posted in the next few days. Tell us who you think has the best cast, and the worst cast. Who made the dumbest move of the draft? The shrewdest?

Stay tuned… the Fantasy SNL League is just beginning!

Only two rounds left! Twelve picks to go! How will the teams stack up? Who’s going to make the big blunder this round (Jason or Alan)? Is anyone even reading this anymore?

When you’re ready, Galen.

Galen Black selects Fred Armisen

You know, at first I didn’t think much of Armisen. I saw him as one of the featured players that never makes the leap to full cast member. He had a character or two, but I never saw him becoming one of the leads.

Time has a way of making us look foolish. Armisen has become one of the main reasons to watch SNL this year. Good impressions, strong characters and solid support work have made him a steal in the ninth round for Galen.

Galen will now give his thoughts on his last two picks:

My 8th and 9th choice of the night skewed a bit younger than my previous choices, I mixed things up a bit by going to the new cast to finish off my female picks and take my next to last male pick. Maya Rudolph and Fred Armisen were my late round hopefuls. I knew most of the Van Gogh-Goghs were pretty ignorant when it came to the newer cast, so I figured I could get these two performers without any problems. Maya brings me lots of current pop culture female impersonations and Armisen is one of the funniest people on today’s cast. Expect to see Fericito and the Lundford Twins alternating every other week on my show and a Steve Jobs sketch at least every 4th episode.

–Galen Black

Good points, Galen. This also helps to strengthen the weak male side of Team Black. With a strong showing in the tenth, he just may have a heck of a team.

Now it’s my turn. And honestly, I’m a little panicked. I have totally forgotten who my male pick was going to be. No clue. It was in my head a minute ago, I’m sure! Now, if I weren’t so panicky, I would just pick my newscaster now and wait another round. That’s not going to happen. I’m jittery, I keep muttering that the newscaster comes last, I’m racking my brain…

And one of my two-year-olds cries. SAVED! I tell the boys I have to go check on John and I run over to the bedroom. My wife is already there, telling me she’ll take care of it, but my mind is racing so fast, trying to figure out whom I want in the ninth round, I just stare blankly and nod. Slowly, I turn… and walk back to the computer. I’m stumped. The little break didn’t jog my memory, and T. Mike’s talking trash about using my boys as an excuse. I quickly look for the biggest name and I pull the trigger.

Charles Rempel selects Ben Stiller

Yes, I know, only one year on the show. Yes, I know, he didn’t hit the heights until after he was on Saturday Night Live. But I have a strong cast so far, especially with my dudes, so I don’t have to get a lot from this pick. Stiller has a likable quality and a Tom Cruise impression in his bag of SNL tricks, and Tom Cruise is very popular to mock nowadays, and I can milk that gag like the real show, and he can…

Wait a minute. CRAP!

TRACY MORGAN! IT WAS TRACY MORGAN! I WAS GOING TO TEAM HIM WITH EDDIE MURPHY AND I’D HAVE BRIAN FELLOW AND ASTRONAUT JONES AND HIS 40+ IMPRESSIONS AND ARRRRRGGGHHH I AM SO STUPID AND I FEEL NAUSEOUS AND I WANT TO CRY! DO OVER! DO OVER! DO OVER! WAAAAAAAH! WHY?!? WHY AM I SUCH AN IDIOT?!?

Luckily, this draft was done through iChat, not live. My poker face remains intact. But if anyone picks Tracy Morgan, I’m going to puke.

Let me breathe into this paper sack for a moment. Rob, make your pick.

Rob Terrell selects Rachel Dratch

Rachel Dratch was definitely on my short list for women castmembers. Unlike others I could name, Dratch’s characters had more depth, more nuances, and weren’t just a variation of Dratch herself. I know Rob’s gotta be happy about this pick.

(Note: Did anyone else see the “Law and Order” episode from this season with Nora Dunn? When did she turn into Penny Marshall? If this draft took into account anything but their SNL careers, I would start to regret picking Dunn over Dratch. I mean, how many “Laverne and Shirley” parodies can you do in 2006?)

Alan Benson selects Danitra Vance

I… I don’t know anything about her! I know she was on SNL for a year and all, but… I don’t think I’ve ever seen her perform. I heard she died, although I don’t think she died of AIDS, like other people keep telling me. I got nothing here. Was she better than Julia Sweeney? Or Amy Poehler?

Don’t know what else to say, except considering who’s drafting, I’m not that surprised.

Jason Torchinsky selects Julia Sweeney

Finally, someone’s drafted Pat.

The first time I saw “It’s Pat,” I thought it was very funny. And the second time, a little less so. Then, the next dozen times, I wondered how many times can they do the same sketch? Well, that “Single White Female” parody was pretty good. But Pat is a hall-of-fame SNL character, right?

Julia Sweeney’s more than just Pat, though. I’m shocked that she’s lasted this long. And it was Jason who was smart enough to pick her. Weird, huh?

T. Mike Childs selects Ana Gasteyer

I’m still upset about this whole Ben Stiller/Tracy Morgan business. I can’t think straight. T. Mike, just tell us why you selected Gasteyer:

Round 9: I’ve filled my male slots and news slots. I needs me women!!! Another long wait for me as the snake bites my ass now: All the decent women are getting snapped up left and right. Molly Shannon! Maya Rudolph! Rachel Dratch! Julia Sweeney! Even Mary Gross was taken! What’s left?! Doh!!! Quick, to IMDB! Panic, panic, panic, Surely there must be someone left?! Someone I’ve heard of?! Ah! Ana Gasteyer! Please, don’t let her get taken!!!! Yes, I get Ana. Phew. A decent female cast member to atone for the sentimental Victoria Jackson pick.

–T. Mike Childs

Great explanation, jackass. Well. Let me just say that Ana Gast… fuck it, let’s just end this round, okay?

Round Nine recap

Who was the bonehead this round? Me. I’m sick to my stomach. In fact, I don’t want to recap shit right now. Go away. Goodbye.

I’m sorry. It’s just the draft was going so well for me. Hey, Alan picked Danitra Vance over Julia Sweeney and Amy Poehler. That was dumb, right? Isn’t that dumber?

No, it’s not dumber. Maybe as dumb, but not dumber. Or is it? Rats. I’ve got no perspective anymore. Gotta get my head right. I’ll do better in Round Ten. Promised.