American Scientists Create World’s 3rd-Most Humpable Meerkat
Wednesday, September 13th, 2006
Finally bringing American meerkat-eroticism on par with the great European teams, scientists unveiled the world’s third-most humpable meerkat at a well-attended press conference in the Sensual Biology Amphitheater at Caltech in Pasadena, CA.
Meerkats, long known in the animal kingdom for their remarkable lack of ability to exite sexual urges in humans, have recently been the subject of a great deal of gene-splicing and DNA recombination experiments directed at making the mammals more sexually interesting to humans. Up until this announcement, Scandinavian and English scientists have dominated the field, with Japanese teams making exciting breakthroughs. This is the first serious American entry into the field, which makes the incredibly strong showing all the more remarkable.
The Global Erotic Meerkat Ratings Board, the established multinational standard of determing sexy meerkat ratings, had previously listed the top three most humpable meerkats as ones produced by the Swedish National Meerkat Research Council, a privately-held British research society called MeerexUK, and the meerkat produced by Sony’s biosexuality division in Hokkaido, Japan. The newly-announced American entry has ratings that place it third, effectively knocking the Japanese entry to fourth place.
“We couldn’t be happier or more excited, both emotionally and sexually,” says Dr. Malcom Towbridge, lead scientist of the Caltech project. “Making a meerkat sexually interesting at all is a grand achievement; I mean, we’re not talking about panthers or dolphins here.”
“What’s really amazing, is just how powerful this meerkat’s eroticism is,” Towbridge continued, his pants now visibly tenting under the strain of his erection, which increased in size and urgency the more he discussed his group’s achievement. “I mean, just look at this meerkat…”
Dr.Towbridge trailed off his speech and removed the meerkat from its locked and padded crate. The meerkat, its fur worn away in several large patches on its back, shoulders, and rump, writhed and whimpered in an exhausted, but strangely alluring manner.
“The actual traits of sexual magnetism, or ‘humpability’, are really quite tricky to define,” continued Towbridge, stroking the meerkat while adjusting his pants, “It’s really got very little to do with what we conventionally consider “beauty.” This is not the same reaction we undergo when we say, look at a pretty human woman; this is something far more basic, more ingrained and sensual.”
Dr. Towbridge then paused and ran his tongue up the length of the meerkat’s spine.
“Of course, achieving this incredible goal makes me appreciate the work of my collegues. The British meerkat, especially. I was permitted to examine it in detail at the Global Conference (of Meerkat Sensuality) in Oslo last year. The animal possesses an incredibly sensuality of form, a remarkable, humid sexuality in its slim, silken body, permeating it’s every musky…musky, damp…”
Dr. Towbridge at this point suddenly broke off speaking and began to violently dry-hump the award-winning meerkat, vigorously thrusting onto it as he held it against the podium at the amphitheater. Dr.Towbridge could not be roused for comment after this action, and the exhausted meerkat was injected with Gatorade and returned to its crate by two female lab assistants.
“We have nothing but respect for the American achievement, but, to be quite frank, they still have a long way to go before they get a meerkat as humpable as ours,” says Dr.Als Jaringe, Lead Scientist of the Swedish team.
“I mean, look at this. Sweet lord, this meerkat is hot,” Jaringe continued, stripping down to his underwear and pinning their world-beating meerkat under his body on a mat placed on the floor of his office, as his buttocks began to clench and unclench rhythmycally. “I mean, fuck.”
