Bollixing up Boxing Day

December 26th, 2009 by t.mike

What the Hell is Boxing Day?
Several Theories as to its Origin

by an American Citizen

As a member of the great American calendar-owning public, there are some things I don’t appreciate. Like Easter getting moved around every year. Can’t the pope make up his damn mind?! I also don’t appreciate it when the calendar manufacturers try put two days on the same square with a diagonal slash through it. Cheap bastards. And lastly, I really, really hate it when they put lousy stinking foreign commie, non-U.S. holidays on MY calendar, like Cinco de Mayo, Kwaanza, and Boxing Day.

Hey, the last time I checked I was still living in AMERICA and not North Korea! Let those filthy reds celebrate all the heathen Kwaanza they want, but keep it out of OUR calendars! Children read those things for God’s sake!

Which brings us to Boxing Day. There it is, every damn December 26th. What the hell is it?! I mean, all those other weirdo holidays are in the crazy moon-man language non-American countries tend to use, so you can write them off as crazy foreign pinkoness. But I used to think we could trust our fellow English-speaking countries, like Britain and Canada (excluding the People’s Republic of Quebec). But then they had to go behind our backs and invent “Boxing Day” on us, just to try and steal some of our thunder for having invented Christmas. Why else would they have stuck it on December 26th? Sneaky bastards.

Since whatever they claim to be the “official” reason for Boxing Day will obviously be state-disseminated lies and propaganda, I have decided to investigate the truth. Since I recently spent an entire afternoon in Canada, I think I am pretty well qualified to speak authoritatively on the origins of Boxing Day. After considering the matter thoroughly for several minutes, then cracking open a cold beer and thinking some more during the commercial breaks of a Home Improvement rerun, I have come up with the following theories:

* Boxing Day is a Canadian plot to try and steal credit for inventing corrugated cardboard by making a national holiday out of the day it was patented- which is patently absurd! Everybody knows that corrugated cardboard was invented at Bell Labs in Menlo Park, New Jersey by Nazi scientists we snagged from Germany after WWII, working under the direction of Steve Wozniak. Granted, the Canadians did invent REGULAR cardboard, if you call that inventing. Hell, I could have invented that.

* Boxing Day is how the former English colonies commemorate getting their ASSES WHUPPED by Johnny Chinaman during the Boxer Rebellion in China at the last turn of the century. Sure, they try to play it off like Memorial Day, honoring their war dead and crap, but if it hadn’t been for us Americans bailing their butts out then, they’d be speaking Mandarin all the way from London to Vancouver right now. And do you think they ever thanked us? Pfft! No! Ungrateful bastards.

* Boxing Day has something to do with the game of Cricket. There’s some kind of box involved in there somewhere. Probably. I’m pretty sure.

* Boxing Day is an invention of the Canadian kite industry to try to popularize the more expensive “box” kite, as opposed to the cheap regular kind. It further shows how the Canadians are trying to undermine the youth of America by encouraging kids to go outside and play with sissy kites instead of watching manly sports on TV, like boxing and anything with the word “extreme” in it.

* Boxing Day is just some crap Canadians made up so they could get the day after Christmas off. And what do we get? Martin Luther King Jr. Day, way the hell out in the middle of January where it doesn’t do anybody any good! Why the hell couldn’t he have been born on December 26th?! I say the next national martyr we assassinate better damn well be born on (or, possibly, get killed on) December 26th. Hell, if we can find martyrs from Christmas through New Year’s, so much the better! Whose bright idea was it to put those two holidays just far enough apart that you still have to work half the week, anyway?! Probably the pope. Papist bastard.

That’s how I figure it, anyway.

Christmas Music Gets a Bad Rap

December 13th, 2009 by t.mike

Crew X album cover
Novelty songs are always hit or miss, but Christmas is a time of especially egregious examples of eccentric tunesmithery. Here’s a couple of raptastic, craptastic examples from 1992 by “Crew X” with all the best beats a cheap drum machine can make, and hitting all of your fave public domain rave-ups.
Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
Twelve Days Of Christmas

What’s Wrong with this Picture?!

October 8th, 2009 by t.mike

Use comments to submit your… uh …comments. *cough*

Bad Ass or Just Crazy?

Bad Ass or Just Crazy?

Happy Jewish New Year

September 18th, 2009 by t.mike

It’s Rosh Hashanah! Happy Jewish New Year!!! To all the members o’ the tribe, Happy 5770! In honor of this high holiday, we have the 1984 track “The Shofar That Almost Missed Rosh Hashanah” as read by a pixie on helium.  Listen and delight as plucky Jewish schoolkid Barbara goes up against a sticky-fingered goy with a case of shofar envy! Show and tell was never so full of intrigue.

From a set of 45 rpm records by Graded Press; Bible Festivals: Today and Long Ago.

Download (6:09 / 10.9 MB)

The fine print: All downloads are provided for entertainment purposes only. VGG.COM not responsible for any religious epiphanies from listening to mp3s.

The Beatles’ Food on the Grill

September 1st, 2009 by galen

Food on the Grill Title
As Tommy Lee Jones said in Men in Black, “Damn, I guess I’ll have to buy the White Album again.” 09-09-09 is the big welcome to the future for the Beatles. Beatles Rock Band is coming out. New Beatle CDs with better sound quality.( I can hardly wait to buy them and rip them to MP3 and listen to them through tiny ear buds.) Well if you find yourself not getting enough of the Fab Four this week, then try out the Food on the Grill. The world’s only Beatle themed restaurant (that I know of). Get EAT-lemania!

Reality Show: The 1999 House

July 27th, 2009 by t.mike

1999 house

Travel back in time with us from 2009 to 1999 with the hot new reality show The 1999 House, which follows an real-life modern family living in a house painstakingly restored to late-’90s conditions. Watch them struggle with decade-old technology as they learn to cope,  learn to care, and learn a little something about… themselves.

Apollo, Schmapollo.

July 23rd, 2009 by theo

The Moon Landings Were Faked!

Confirming what for years had been only a persistent rumor, undercover VGG.com reporters have determined that the July 1969 Apollo-program moon landings were indeed an elaborate government deception. Forty years of lies ends today!

We have the EVIDENCE!

Happy Bastille Day!

July 14th, 2009 by theo

Today’s post is to help celebrate Bastille Day, the day of the French Revolution when the French triumphantly stormed the hated prison, and proudly emptied it of its forgers, lunatics, and the Marquis deSade. And what Frenchman speaks to us so loudly across history but that famous French mime, the Ur-mime Marcel Marceau (1923-2007). And yet mime was only one of his many talents. You know, like how David Hasselhoff thinks he can sing, or have a non-Knight Rider-related career. Welp, Marceau also saw himself as a visual artist. Below is a bizarre, epic, apocalyptic drawing he did that appeared in a program for one of his shows in 1973. Despite a certain “I am 12 years old” quality to the drawing, it appears to have been done in 1961, when Marceau was about 38. Hmm.

Also, sorry ’bout the rusty staples in the center.

click to embiggen
click to embiggen

Here’s the left and right pages in extry-huge format so you can really appreciate the fine detail.

Marcel Marceau Apocalypse left Marcel Marceau Apocalypse right

(click pix to embiggen)

Allow us to try to narrate Marceau’s dark vision, his “Marceaucalypse,” if you will: As a massive earthquake causes mighty skyscrapers to lean and teeter dangerously and a tornado and fires ravage the city, and a large ocean liner sinks in the background, the terrified populace plunge to their certain deaths from the buildings or rush into the streets where they are attacked by bats and escaped zoo, or quite possibly circus, animals. Under a sky filled with strange planets, angry and helpless soldiers futilely throng the streets colliding with impromptu religious parades of every stripe, where citizens turn to a nonexistent God to save them, moments before they stumble into a river of hungry crocodiles. While silent movie star Charlie Chaplin cavorts in the crowd, the twin angels of comedian Harpo Marx and Bip (Marcel’s everyman mime character) begin their happy ascension to heaven under the gaze of several large, floating, disembodied eyes with great lashes. Also, there’s an owl.

Enjoy!

Happy Birthday, America!

July 4th, 2009 by theo

I got you this book about how you’re dooomed. Hope ya like it!

Destruction of America

Love,
Yer citizens!

Link exchanging with the Van Gogh-Goghs

June 17th, 2009 by theo

from:    Lindsey <warrantyhq@gmail.com>
to:    thevggs(at)vgg.com
date:    Mon, Jun 15, 2009 at 7:50 PM
subject:    Link Exchange

Dear Webmaster,

I visited your site http://www.vgg.com and liked it a lot. I have a related website and I would like to know if you would be interested in exchanging links with my site. This will help both your site and mine to gain search engine popularity…Would you be interested? If so, please consider listing us here: http://www.vgg.com/links/ Our text link details are:

Title: Extended Warranties
Description: Protect your car with a comprehensive extended warranty from Warranty Headquarters.
URL: http://www.warrantyheadquarters.com

Then let me know where our link is located on your site and send me your information if you would like a link back.

Thanks,
Lindsey
WarrantyHeadquarters.com
16443 N. 91st St. C103
Scottsdale, AZ 85260

Note: If you would like not to receive any further communications from me, please paste this link into your browser: ?id=c9QAnVrQq2a
Or simply respond to this email with Remove as the subject.

Jason Torchinsky <jason(at)vgg.com>
to    Lindsey <warrantyhq(at)gmail.com>
cc    thevggs(at)vgg.com
date    Mon, Jun 15, 2009 at 8:01 PM
subject    Re: Link Exchange

ABSOLUTELY.

We can’t think of a better synergy than our comedy website and your borderline-scam auto extended warranty site! This is truly a match made in heaven, and I for one am thankful, profoundly, that the fates and technology conspired to bring us together. The mind races with the possibilities of what we can achieve together– our site providing mild entertainment, a brief, furtive distraction from the day, while your endeavor swoops in and gives them that nearly useless extended warranty to all the shut-ins and half-wits that don’t know any better and comprise our readership.

It’s really amazing. Is there any way I could get you guys to call my cellphone more? I have 30+ year old cars I think the factory warranties may just have run out, so I’d love to know about it more, and possibly constantly. Do you offer a program where, instead of the constant phone calls, you can send someone to sleep on my lawn and remind me about your extended warranties?

Again, thank you so much for taking the time to seek us out and partner with us. To complete this, please send your link on acid-free archival paper along with an link-exchange fee payment of $1500.

Thanks again!

Gus Levy
VGG Web Outreach and Synergy Admin