Ask Dr. Joe: Constipation?

Dr. Joe

Dr. Joe-
Why do people get constipated? It’s been happening a lot lately. What shuold I do? HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bad Breath

In humanity’s prehistoric form, constipation was a process of conservation. Excrement would be preserved and hardened in the colon; new excrement would be added to the solidifying mass. Eventually, the mass would become incredibly dense — heavier than an equivalent chunk of bronze. Medical anthropologists have found that prehistoric man would literally “drag his ass” around on ground during this phase. Finally, the mass would be passed via the Lacan Duct, a second sphincter modern humans no longer possess. The excrement itself would be used as fuel for fires, as a base for soup stocks, or as a symbolic artifact used during what passed for early man’s religious ceremonies.

Today, constipation is merely an irritating reminder that all humans evolved from an older, more disgusting, form. To flush your system, drink plenty of liquids. If you can find water polluted with heavy metals, drink that — the metal will bond to the turd, weighing it down and making it easier to pass.

Also, if you’ve been taking a lot of drugs lately, you can get constipated from cramming them in your ass.

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