Who says we don’t listen to our fans? Other than our fans? Well, we do. Because we’ve gotten requests for Violated by Bears Man shirts, and now we have them.

Now you too can look like America’s most pitiable superhero!

Now that the draft is complete, and Rob has enlightened us with his scientific approach to sketch comedy (which sure explains a lot about Rob’s sketch comedy “career”), I feel duty-bound to share with you the greatness that is The Gumby Lounge Singers (and if you don’t know the derivation of the name, may I suggest a more remedial class?).

Alan had a great idea about naming a bandleader, and since it was his addition to the game, I’m following his rules. I’m guessing I can pick an actual Saturday Night Live bandleader if I want, but he picked a memorable musical act from the many who performed on SNL: Shane MacGowan, drunken frontman of The Pogues. In that same vein, I’m picking a musician with a checkered SNL past: Elvis Costello. He was banned from the show for switching songs (he was asked not to play “Radio Radio” because of its lyrics, and he switched during the live show, which also put the show behind schedule), but he’s back in the good graces again, and he’s my choice to lead the band.

So with Elvis Costello conducting, and the band blaring the SNL theme, it’s time to meet the cast. Don Pardo, take it away!

I said, Don Pardo, take it away!

Hmm, Don must be at lunch. Okay, I’ll tell you about The Gumby Lounge Singers:

The men
Eddie Murphy, Bill Murray, Jon Lovitz, Darrell Hammond, Joe Piscopo, and Ben Stiller

This may be the best collection of male cast members in the league. I have two charismatic leading men in Murphy and Murray. Lovitz and Piscopo would be the stars on any other cast, but here they complement the top bananas with legendary characters of their own. Impressions will be a team strength, especially with Hammond and Piscopo anchoring the squad. Even Ben Stiller (who I mistakenly picked over Tracy Morgan) will contribute through his impressions and boyish charm.

The women
Nora Dunn, Jane Curtin, and Kristen Wiig

I’m very happy with the women I’ve selected, I think they are all immensely talented and three of the best actresses to perform on SNL, yet I can see that in general they fit the same category. Dunn has some crazy characters, and really it’s too early in Wiig’s career to generalize, but the three of them have a more subtle approach to sketch comedy. I could have an awesome Nora Ephron-written sketch about three society women at lunch with these ladies. I should have grabbed a goofball like Rachel Dratch or Cheri Oteri to complement the styles (hmmm, Rob has Oteri and Dratch, along with Molly Shannon; looks like he’s in the same situation only with goofballs).

The Weekend Update anchor
Jane Curtin

Like I said in the Round Ten summary, Curtin was one of the earliest (replacing Chevy Chase behind the desk), one of the longest-running (80 episodes, tied for third most all-time), and simply one of the best anchors ever on Saturday Night Live. She has a great catchphrase, “Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow,” and that is critical for a quality anchor. She’ll have to bring her “A” game every week, though; unlike other casts (especially Alan’s), my team is a little weak at Update commentaries. Thank the heavens above for Darrell Hammond.

Overall, I’m very pleased. Is this the perfect cast? Of course not, but no cast ever will. The Gumby Lounge Singers, though, has to be considered one of the favorites to win the Fantasy SNL League.

This email was sent by Rob to the others the morning after the draft.

So, Good morning, bitches. (No offense intended; I use that term scientifically, as I will explain below.) I hope you’ve slept off your draft-induced hangovers and are now staring, groggily, at your poor excuse for a cast, wondering what in God’s name you were thinking. Because your cast sucks. At least, from the scientific standpoint.

Science is that wonderful arbiter of objectivity. (Objectivity is that wonderful trait that helps us avoid, say, picking Chris Elliot when Bill Murray is still available.) Science is based on fact and observation. Using the SNL web site, I was able to download a series of facts about each of the cast members: number of seasons on the cast, number of guest appearances, number of repeating characters, and number of impressions performed. Using these stats, I devised a formula to generate each player’s objective “power ranking.”

The formula is weighted, so that some factors matter more (i.e. if you’re on the cast for just one season, you’re not getting ranked very high, no matter how many impressions you can do).

Based on this formula, the top ten cast members include: Phil Hartman (#1 power ranking), Will Ferrell, Darrell Hammond, Dana Carvey, Tim Meadows, Jon Lovitz, and Jan Hooks. Each of these had a power ranking of 78 or higher. (Galen — your side bet was a sucker’s bet.)

Now, although only a few of these are emotional fan favorites, please remember, science knows best. Many emotional favorites are near the top of the list, to be sure, so they get their due. But it’s true that some founding cast members tend to trail some of the more recent cast members, perhaps because their lust for Hollywood, cocaine, or the grave led them to leave the show too early, and thus not develop the “power” of, say, a Horatio Sanz.

Some of the worst are: Peter Akroyd (1.5 power score), Chris Elliot (a 3.5 score) and Sarah Silverman (a 4.5 score) — sorry, Jason. For reference, Gilbert Gottfried is scored at 4.5. So you can see, the rankings do work. But some of our favorites are these cellar dwellers. Drafting favorites, or hiring a cast member because you wish you could fuck her, can lead to very low power rankings, and herpes.

So, how did we do? Not so good. Galen’s number-one overall pick, John Belushi, had a power ranking of 23. The number two pick overall, Charles’ Eddie Murphy, had a power ranking of 40. My pick, number three overall, was Chevy Chase with a power ranking of 31. Clearly, Billy Beane we’re not.

By this formula, each cast’s combined power ranking is (in draft order):
Galen: 408.5

Galen’s cast is, from the first pick, mid-level players. Not until he drafts Jan Hooks (his third selection) does he sniff the top ten. Don Novello (#63) was picked at least two rounds too early. Amazingly, Galen left plenty of firepower on the table with each pick. I’ll admit it. He rattled me. I could not imagine what he was thinking. I suppose he was aiming for a funny, rather than powerful, cast. Weird. What saved his bacon were the late picks of Fred Amisen (power ranking of 26) and Maya Rudolph (power ranking of 18) in the late rounds. Tina Fey (#60 overall, #5 anchor) for news was a solid, although not spectacular, choice.
Charles: 472

Now, clearly, Charles knows this shit cold. He’s obviously participated in many mock drafts before, and he was ready to intimidate. After Galen’s pick of John Belushi for #1 overall, Charles lets Galen know: “YOU FUCKED UP!!!” Indeed, Galen did. But then so did Charles. His pick, for #2 overall, was Eddie Murphy — a top 50 candidate, to be sure, but he ignored Phil Hartman (power ranking #1). Charles proceeds to load up from the top tier of the power rankings: Murray (#21), Lovitz (#8 power ranking), and later Hammond (#4) and Piscopo (#26). But he’s picking with heart, not his brain. A man of science would have cherry-picked Hammond before Murray. And later he picks Stiller (#74), who apparently stored up his power-ranking for his own TV show. After the 4th round selection of Nora Dunn (#34), Charles thought Kristen Wiig (#82) was the best woman left — forgetting that Tina Fey (#60) was still available as an actress. Or maybe he had the yips: Julia-Louis Dreyfus (#52), Ana Gasteyer (#12), Julia Sweeney (#49), Amy Poehler (#13), and Rachel Dratch (#11) were all available when he made his boneheaded Ben Stiller pick. But overall, Charles’ cast is one of the strongest.
(I’ll save myself for last.)
Alan: 257

From the very first — Al Franken (#37) — Alan dug himself into the cellar. It was yet another first-round selection that let #1 Phil Hartman slide. Luckily, Dan Ackroyd (#18) and Laraine Newman (#36) were huge finds lingering in the third and fourth rounds, but Alan followed those good discoveries with draft dodgers Harry Shearer (#58) and A. Whitney Brown (#71). Harry Shearer makes sense if you follow up with Christopher Guest and get some Spinal Tap skits out of it, but A. Whitney Brown in the sixth round? Hammond, Meadows, Crystal and Piscopo were all still available. (And Hammond and Meadows were still sitting at the presumed lottery picks’ table, looking more and more forlorn, their mommas crying into their big hats, as minor role take their guaranteed salaries. A travesty.) Alan does show good sense in picking up Dennis Miller in the second round, #10 overall. A good choice, because aside from his low overall score (#71) as he’s the #2 news anchor in the entire draft. I had planned on taking Miller with my first round pick, until I saw that Galen and Charles left Chevy Chase (#31 overall, #1 anchor) for the pickings. Alan mops up with Gross and Vance — both going in garbage rounds as expected — but Alan loses all sense by picking O’Donoghue (#105) in the final round, with a dozen more powerful players undrafted.
T. Mike: 534

The crazy-eye killa of this draft. He knew that, by his draft position, he’d get consecutive picks. Therefore, he could pick up any matched pair. And he got the #1 duo on the table: Myers (#15) and Carvey (#5). I’m sure he picked them in reverse power-ranking order just to fuck with our heads. Then, he picks up an all-star top-fifty supporting cast: Farley (#26), Sandler (#28), Schneider (#44), and somehow finds top-ten pick Horation Sanz (#10) in the sixth. Once the men are secured, he turns his steely-yet-crazy-eyed gaze upon the women: Jackson (#51), Gasteyer (#13), and Duke (#66). Please note that T. Mike did not make a selection below the top 66, while one of y’all bitches dipped below #66 four times — twice below 100. Who might that be?
Jason: 337.5

Jason, who claimed at the start to be the most unprepared, proved true to his word. After a making us all look dumb with his first selection, Phil Hartman (#1), Jason stank up the joint with Chris Elliot (#108). Chris Rock (#45) was a poor third-round pick, given the talent left. Martin Short (#56), Christopher Guest (#79), and Sarah Silverman (#103) were all picked a round or two too early. What’s going on? Have we found our Billy Beane? No, clearly not, as he picks the loathesome Brian Doyle-Murray (#75) and even worse Kevin Nealon (#7 anchor) for the news desk. Amy Poehler (#20) in the last round would have been an inspired selection, if it had in fact been inspired, rather than desperately picking the first remaining female cast member Galen could name.
Rob: 733

You see, you’re all my bitches. Scientifically speaking, of course.

My plan was to lock in the best newscaster I could first, and then build a cast around that. I expected to settle happily for Dennis Miller, but as I said Galen rattled me, but I was able to recover and select Chevy Chase (#1 news anchor) in the first round. I took Will Ferrell (#2) in the second round, and Chris Kattan (#4) in the third — a choice that everyone thought was mind-bogglingly dumb. (His nearly 100 power points, combined with Will Ferrell’s and Tim Meadows’ (#7), by themselves beats Jason’s total cast score.) I was playing to win, bitches. I doubled up on Chase as actor — a dumb move, considering who was left: Sanz, Farley, Hammond, et al. My heart was pounding with the excitement, and doubtless all that blood it sent into my brain was having some affect on my logic and reason. I knew that drafting Spade (#29) was like trading for Sprewell — the fans will hate the move, but his 47 points were sorely needed. Then I added Cheri Oteri (#22) for the Spartan Cheerleader skit (I half expected Charles to block me on that). Then I saw Meadows (#6) was still available, so I got them too. Molly Shannon (#19) and Rachel Dratch (#11) and were also highly-ranked undrafted players, so I mopped up with them. In the garbage round, somehow Jimmy Fallon (#8 overall, 90 power points) was standing there, hat in hand, so I grabbed him. Again, my last four selections beat Alan’s total combined cast score.
Now, secure in the knowledge of your bitchiness, you may be asking “These power rankings do, indeed, reveal heretofore unseen truths about the casts. But could they be improved?” Absolutely, but only in the context of the casts themselves. For instance, while my cast is entirely all-stars, what if they don’t gel?

T. Mike’s cast is, in fact, the cast whose parts fit together the best. This can be easily shown by listing all of the skits that his cast can perform — i.e. Mike Myers + Dana Carvey = Wayne’s World. And along these lines, Charles’ cast could too be a contender for the best cast.

The next step for these rankings is for me to generate a list of all skits and all cast members, and determine the total number of known skits that can be performed by each cast. Popular or funny skits will be weighted more highly than unpopular or unfunny skits.

Then, we’ll really see who’s the bitch here. Scientifically speaking, that is.
— Rob

Eight strong rounds, and I drop the ball in the ninth. Ugh. Luckily, my tenth round is set for me; I have to pick a newscaster, and I have my pick of what’s left. I should be able to survive this.

According to our guidelines, it’s set in stone what category people will pick from: Jason and T. Mike need to choose a woman, while Galen, Rob and Alan will select a man. The only question is whom they choose.

T. Mike Childs selects Robin Duke

Not really a BAD choice, but not an inspired choice, either. It’s a selection that justifies Galen’s Top Chick Gambit in the early rounds. Duke is fine for secondary roles, and she did a great job with the “Mr. and Mrs. T’s Bloody Mary Mix” sketch. Maybe that’s exactly what he’s looking for.

Well, T. Mike? Is that what you’re looking for?:

Round 10. I got nothing. NOTHING. I needs one mo womans, and I gots NOTHING. The last name on my female list? Robin Duke. Sigh. Whatever. Take it, slink off, and console yourself with Wayne’s World, it’s party time, it’s excellent. Man, I can’t believe Alan took Mary Gross. I thought surely, SURELY, I can get Mary Gross. Julia Louise-Dreyfuss? Please. She got funny AFTER leaving SNL.

–T. Mike Childs

I don’t think Robin Duke is a whatever/slink-off kind of pick, but that’s just me. Jason has his own opinion on this pick, but I’m not going to add it to this summary. Let’s just say it has to do with Robin Duke and her stupid fucking horse face. Oh, maybe I did add it to this summary. Never mind.

Speaking of Jason, I wonder how he’ll screw this up now. If he tries to select Don Knotts in a dress, I may have to check out airfare prices, just so I can fly to L.A. and punch him in the neck.

Jason Torchinsky selects Amy Poehler

A great pick, especially for the tenth round. I was just about to congratulate him, but then Galen admitted he made the pick for Jason. Oh well, at least he’s through drafting, right?

Amy Poehler is primed to be one of the stars of the new season. She’s still a co-anchor on Weekend Update, and she has a bevy of characters and impressions at her disposal. Personally, I think she’s too hammy, but that makes this pick even better for Jason.

(Note: In the time between the draft and the posting of this round summary, there have been two episodes of the new SNL season, and they’re working hard to make Amy Poehler THE star of the show. I mean, she’s in EVERYTHING! There are only three women on the show, and she’s muscled them out of the picture. Even Maya Rudolph! And no, I’m not just saying this because I picked Kristen Wiig (who did get a bigger role in the second show) in the eighth round. Let’s get these other cast members some more face-time!)

Alan Benson selects Michael O’Donoghue

That’s a fun choice. Fun, like a prom date’s veneral disease, am I right, people? But I kid the O’Donoghue. He does have the distinction of being in the very first sketch on Saturday Night Live, and his style of humor added that edge to SNL that everyone looks back at fondly.

Alan’s take on O’Donoghue:

I’ll leave the last round, Mister Mike, by just saying that there’s far too little so-creepy-it’s-funny stuff on modern-day TV. Also, he’s Irish, so expect lots of drunken punch-ups with Shane MacGowan (my bandleader) on Saturday Night Alan.

–Alan Benson

Bandleaders! I completely forgot about bandleaders! Dammit. Okay, Alan calls MacGowan (of the Pogues, if you didn’t know) and finishes his cast.

Rob Terrell selects Jimmy Fallon

What’s funny about this pick is I don’t think Rob could pick Jimmy Fallon out of a line-up if he had to. Fallon was definitely a fan-favorite in his years at SNL, either behind the desk with Tina Fey on Update or in his dorm room hosting a talk show with Horatio Sanz.

Yes, he would have been a better pick than Ben Stiller for me, too. Shut up. I’m over that now. You’re just trying to get into my head. Well, it won’t work. Because there’s only one choice to make here. I need a newscaster, and I’m taking the best available.

Charles Rempel selects Jane Curtin (news anchor)

Okay, you DID almost rattle me, because at the last moment I was debating about that mumblemouth Colin Quinn becoming my anchor. In the end, there was never a doubt. Jane Curtin was one of the earliest (replacing Chevy Chase behind the desk), one of the longest-running (80 episodes, tied for third most all-time), and simply one of the best. Either as a solo anchor or teamed with Dan Aykroyd or Bill Murray, she’ll give my Weekend Update anchor seat some much-needed class. Plus, she has a great catchphrase: “Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.” You gotta love that in your final pick.

So now I have both parts (actor and anchor) of Jane Curtin, and I saved my draft. Hooray!

Galen, let’s end this draft of a high note.

Galen Black selects Terry Sweeney

You won’t hear a bad word from me here. Terry Sweeney is the only SNL cast member I ever met, and I think that holds true for every member of the Van Gogh-Goghs (we met him at the Big Stinkin’ Festival in Austin, Texas, one year). He was super-friendly, and even had questions about our group (he researched us through our little ol’ website).

Now, because of this meeting, I don’t know if I’ve softened my thoughts on Sweeney or not. I remember he had a high energy throughout his time at SNL, and he did a very good Nancy Reagan impression. If he weren’t there during the Anthony Michael Hall year, things might have been different. Or not. Like I say, I may be biased now.

So let this be a little lesson to you Hollywood phonies out there: be nice to your fans.

Here’s Galen’s take:

I had the final choice of the night and I threw the choice away. I have big plans for Terry Sweeney, but I could have made a better choice. Tracy Morgan was still on the list and I passed him over to take Sweeney, because men in drag are funny and there aren’t many of the SNL cast who do female impersonation better. He still has the best Nancy Reagan impersonation of any of the SNL Alum.

–Galen Black

You can’t use him as a Sweeney Sister, Galen. Get that thought out of your head right now.

Round Ten recap

First, remind me to pick a bandleader. That idea by Alan was primo.

The end seemed a bit anti-climactic, didn’t it? After Alan taking Al Franken in the first round and my bumbling in the ninth, not to mention all of Jason’s nutjob moves, the final round was a little too safe. Jason and Rob got solid actors and I got a premier newscaster. Alan and Galen went sentimental, and T. Mike just decided to grab any girl and end this painful charade.

Our full rosters, with each Van Gogh-Gogh weighing in on his cast, will be posted in the next few days. Tell us who you think has the best cast, and the worst cast. Who made the dumbest move of the draft? The shrewdest?

Stay tuned… the Fantasy SNL League is just beginning!

Only two rounds left! Twelve picks to go! How will the teams stack up? Who’s going to make the big blunder this round (Jason or Alan)? Is anyone even reading this anymore?

When you’re ready, Galen.

Galen Black selects Fred Armisen

You know, at first I didn’t think much of Armisen. I saw him as one of the featured players that never makes the leap to full cast member. He had a character or two, but I never saw him becoming one of the leads.

Time has a way of making us look foolish. Armisen has become one of the main reasons to watch SNL this year. Good impressions, strong characters and solid support work have made him a steal in the ninth round for Galen.

Galen will now give his thoughts on his last two picks:

My 8th and 9th choice of the night skewed a bit younger than my previous choices, I mixed things up a bit by going to the new cast to finish off my female picks and take my next to last male pick. Maya Rudolph and Fred Armisen were my late round hopefuls. I knew most of the Van Gogh-Goghs were pretty ignorant when it came to the newer cast, so I figured I could get these two performers without any problems. Maya brings me lots of current pop culture female impersonations and Armisen is one of the funniest people on today’s cast. Expect to see Fericito and the Lundford Twins alternating every other week on my show and a Steve Jobs sketch at least every 4th episode.

–Galen Black

Good points, Galen. This also helps to strengthen the weak male side of Team Black. With a strong showing in the tenth, he just may have a heck of a team.

Now it’s my turn. And honestly, I’m a little panicked. I have totally forgotten who my male pick was going to be. No clue. It was in my head a minute ago, I’m sure! Now, if I weren’t so panicky, I would just pick my newscaster now and wait another round. That’s not going to happen. I’m jittery, I keep muttering that the newscaster comes last, I’m racking my brain…

And one of my two-year-olds cries. SAVED! I tell the boys I have to go check on John and I run over to the bedroom. My wife is already there, telling me she’ll take care of it, but my mind is racing so fast, trying to figure out whom I want in the ninth round, I just stare blankly and nod. Slowly, I turn… and walk back to the computer. I’m stumped. The little break didn’t jog my memory, and T. Mike’s talking trash about using my boys as an excuse. I quickly look for the biggest name and I pull the trigger.

Charles Rempel selects Ben Stiller

Yes, I know, only one year on the show. Yes, I know, he didn’t hit the heights until after he was on Saturday Night Live. But I have a strong cast so far, especially with my dudes, so I don’t have to get a lot from this pick. Stiller has a likable quality and a Tom Cruise impression in his bag of SNL tricks, and Tom Cruise is very popular to mock nowadays, and I can milk that gag like the real show, and he can…

Wait a minute. CRAP!

TRACY MORGAN! IT WAS TRACY MORGAN! I WAS GOING TO TEAM HIM WITH EDDIE MURPHY AND I’D HAVE BRIAN FELLOW AND ASTRONAUT JONES AND HIS 40+ IMPRESSIONS AND ARRRRRGGGHHH I AM SO STUPID AND I FEEL NAUSEOUS AND I WANT TO CRY! DO OVER! DO OVER! DO OVER! WAAAAAAAH! WHY?!? WHY AM I SUCH AN IDIOT?!?

Luckily, this draft was done through iChat, not live. My poker face remains intact. But if anyone picks Tracy Morgan, I’m going to puke.

Let me breathe into this paper sack for a moment. Rob, make your pick.

Rob Terrell selects Rachel Dratch

Rachel Dratch was definitely on my short list for women castmembers. Unlike others I could name, Dratch’s characters had more depth, more nuances, and weren’t just a variation of Dratch herself. I know Rob’s gotta be happy about this pick.

(Note: Did anyone else see the “Law and Order” episode from this season with Nora Dunn? When did she turn into Penny Marshall? If this draft took into account anything but their SNL careers, I would start to regret picking Dunn over Dratch. I mean, how many “Laverne and Shirley” parodies can you do in 2006?)

Alan Benson selects Danitra Vance

I… I don’t know anything about her! I know she was on SNL for a year and all, but… I don’t think I’ve ever seen her perform. I heard she died, although I don’t think she died of AIDS, like other people keep telling me. I got nothing here. Was she better than Julia Sweeney? Or Amy Poehler?

Don’t know what else to say, except considering who’s drafting, I’m not that surprised.

Jason Torchinsky selects Julia Sweeney

Finally, someone’s drafted Pat.

The first time I saw “It’s Pat,” I thought it was very funny. And the second time, a little less so. Then, the next dozen times, I wondered how many times can they do the same sketch? Well, that “Single White Female” parody was pretty good. But Pat is a hall-of-fame SNL character, right?

Julia Sweeney’s more than just Pat, though. I’m shocked that she’s lasted this long. And it was Jason who was smart enough to pick her. Weird, huh?

T. Mike Childs selects Ana Gasteyer

I’m still upset about this whole Ben Stiller/Tracy Morgan business. I can’t think straight. T. Mike, just tell us why you selected Gasteyer:

Round 9: I’ve filled my male slots and news slots. I needs me women!!! Another long wait for me as the snake bites my ass now: All the decent women are getting snapped up left and right. Molly Shannon! Maya Rudolph! Rachel Dratch! Julia Sweeney! Even Mary Gross was taken! What’s left?! Doh!!! Quick, to IMDB! Panic, panic, panic, Surely there must be someone left?! Someone I’ve heard of?! Ah! Ana Gasteyer! Please, don’t let her get taken!!!! Yes, I get Ana. Phew. A decent female cast member to atone for the sentimental Victoria Jackson pick.

–T. Mike Childs

Great explanation, jackass. Well. Let me just say that Ana Gast… fuck it, let’s just end this round, okay?

Round Nine recap

Who was the bonehead this round? Me. I’m sick to my stomach. In fact, I don’t want to recap shit right now. Go away. Goodbye.

I’m sorry. It’s just the draft was going so well for me. Hey, Alan picked Danitra Vance over Julia Sweeney and Amy Poehler. That was dumb, right? Isn’t that dumber?

No, it’s not dumber. Maybe as dumb, but not dumber. Or is it? Rats. I’ve got no perspective anymore. Gotta get my head right. I’ll do better in Round Ten. Promised.

It’s getting late in the draft, and pressure’s on to find the hidden gold left in the available pool. The Van Gogh-Goghs are getting a little punchy now; the East Coast members are sleepy (it’s around midnight) and the West Coast members are starving. Something’s gotta give.

T. Mike Childs selects Horatio Sanz

When I told people about our Saturday Night Live fantasy draft, I’d ask people whom they liked, and I got a lot of answers. A frequent response was, “I have a soft spot for Horatio Sanz.” The weird thing? If someone mentioned Sanz, they always mentioned they had a soft spot for him. No other cast member was qualified with “soft spot,” and Sanz was never described without “soft spot.” Interesting, huh? I thought so.

T. Mike will now enlighten us about Horatio Sanz:

Round 8: I foolishly, offhandedly had asked Galen if there were any Not Ready for Prime Timers left. Simultaneously we realized the answer just as I realize I needs me a black man! Garrett Morris or Tim Meadows? Tough choice. Meadows was on for freakin EVER. But Morris has original cast cachet. My foolish question comes before Galen’s pick, and he snags Garrett Morris! Dammit, I’m the ONLY ONE besides that idiot Jason without a Not Ready for Prime Time Player! Fudge!!! Okay, time to punt: Tim Meadows- he’s a solid, flexible, ensemble player, just the type to work well with the big egos and more flamboyant personalities. Then Rob scoops my black man again!!! Aw hell. Now what? Danitra Vance? Ellen Cleghorne? What am I, an idiot? Ok, so no black people, time to punt: Hispanic Horatio Sanz. Also, I heard he’s funny.

–T. Mike Childs

There it is again, the fat and/or ethnic requirement. I think Galen and T. Mike got to talking together. That’s never a good thing.

Personally, I never got Sanz. If I wanted to see someone break character and laugh during sketches, I would check my local listings for old episodes of “The Carol Burnett Show.” Harvey Korman’s a better laugher. Then again, I don’t get this new comedy everyone keeps talking about. (Hiking my pants to my nipples) And keep those damn kids off my lawn!

Jason Torchinsky selects Kevin Nealon (news anchor)

So Jason says, “This is going to be unconventional…”

Oh wow. NOW it’s unconventional. I can’t wait to hear this one.

“As my newscaster…”

Okay, we’re bracing ourselves.

“Gilbert Gottfried.”

Now there’s a rule we have that states your newscaster has to have been an anchor on Weekend Update. Plain and simple, no hard words. Gilbert Gottfried has never been an anchor. Unlike The Doyle-Murray debate, this is easier to prove. There are websites devoted to Weekend Update anchors. Gottfried is on no anchor list. The pick was vetoed.

“I’ll go with my backup then. Kevin Nealon.”

How low must Kevin Nealon feel right now? He’s the second choice, after the AFLAC duck. Mr. Subliminal, porno movie reviews, solid teleprompter reading skills, and he plays second fiddle to an imbecile who was never an anchor. Well, at least Jason has his newscaster requirement complete.

Alan Benson selects Tim Kazurinsky

Okay, like everyone else in Alan’s cast, Tim Kazurinsky has the Weekend Update bits. Dr. Jack Badofsky’s sign gags, yes yes yes. Let’s continue to build up the newscast.

But Kazurinsky also brings some underrated characters to the party, and everyone could use an actor that can play tough guys as well as his nebbish bread-and-butter (don’t think he played any tough guys? What about Forrest Gregg and Ozzy Osbourne? Yeah, surprising, huh?).

Rob Terrell selects Molly Shannon

SUPERSTAR!!

Molly Shannon was one of the bigger stars in the mid-‘90s, with recurring characters coming out the wazoo (and one, Mary Katherine Gallagher, getting her own movie). I was surprised at the number of impressions she had (32). That’s a nice bonus.

Why did she last until the eighth round? I don’t have a clue. I knew I wanted Jane Curtin and I had to get Nora Dunn to block Galen, and of course, my super-sleeper female cast member coming soon. Also, I hate that character that sits on the couch on the talk show and screams, “IloveitIloveitILOVEIT!!” Like an ice pick in the brain for me. But that’s just me.

Still, it’s a great pick for Rob. It gives him another strong woman to work with.

Charles Rempel selects Kristen Wiig

With Jason’s selection of Kevin Nealon, I have become the last one to select a newscaster. With that in mind, I’m going to wait until the last round to name my anchor. That moves my two super-sleepers up a round.

Now I have forgotten for the moment my super-secret male cast member, so I’m jumping ahead with the female sleeper: Kristen Wiig. She’s starting her second season on SNL this year, and I think she’s primed for a breakout season. I saw some great impressions from her last year, so I know she’s got talent, and with only two other women in the cast, she should have her share of roles. Plus, I now have a rooting interest in the current cast (well, I have Darrell Hammond, too, but he’s established; Kristen’s the new kid).

(Note: in the time between the draft and the posting of this entry, Saturday Night Live has had its season premiere. And… my girl Kristen didn’t get a lot of PT. Does Amy Poehler HAVE to be in everything? Seriously, give my girl some reps! Let’s make it a Wiig Party, aw yeah!)

Galen Black selects Maya Rudolph

Galen went with the new cast but a more-established name. So he has a rooting interest in this year’s cast, too. That’s nice; I’ll have someone to talk with about the show.

Rudolph’s eight seasons have produced a lot of impressions and characters, but Galen really likes that Megan character because, just like Megan, Galen always had an unrequited crush on the cutest boys in high school.

Are you reading these round summaries, Galen? Man, I hope not.

Round Eight recap

Three women, two men, one newscaster, and one dumbass move by Jason thwarted… sounds like a good round to me!

Two more cast members from this season have been selected (and three overall). Galen and I have met our three-women requirements, while the other Van Gogh-Goghs have one or two to go. Expect a LOT of ladies to go in the next round.

Surprised with some of these picks? Who is still out there, much to your chagrin? Why am I having trouble remembering my male super-sleeper pick? Do you remember it? Please tell me if you do.

In these next four rounds, our casts will need to fill the open gaps. What are the gaps? Funny you should ask.

Galen needs to pick three men and one woman.
Charles needs to pick two men, one woman and a newscaster.
Rob needs to pick two men and two women.
Alan needs to pick two men and two women.
Jason needs to start over. (Okay, he really needs one man, two women and a newscaster)
T. Mike needs two men and two women.

With these facts in mind, let’s begin Round Seven: The Unleavened Heaven (I’m trying to sell it a little more. Did it work? No? Hmmmm. It was the unleavened part, right? Yeah, I forced it. Sorry.)

Galen Black selects Garrett Morris

Galen picks another one of the original cast. Someone’s showing his age.

Galen, you old fat man, tell us why you went with Garrett:

My next choice comes thanks to T. Mike. Earlier in the 6th round he said to me, “I think all the original members of the cast are gone now.” I looked over my list and saw one original alum waiting patiently to be picked. I needed a black man to round out my cast and there were a few available, but few as talented as Garret Morris. So thank you, T. Mike. Good luck with your future picks.

–Galen Black

Hmmm. Galen needs a black man to round out his cast. T. Mike earlier said he needed to fill his fat guy quotient. I know we split the cast into men and women, but did we add a fat and/or ethnic requirement? Let me check the by-laws… nope, nothing in there.

I’m not saying Garrett Morris is a bad pick, per se. I don’t think he got the stage time he deserved. But in those first five years, you had legendary performers hogging the spotlight. It would be tough for anyone to get the reps. However, in Galen’s cast, Morris should have all the stage-time he wants.

Charles Rempel selects Joe Piscopo

How is Piscopo still out there? Don’t question it, Charles, just say “thank you” and go.

Thank you.

Piscopo rejoins his castmate Eddie Murphy to create a power duo that kept Saturday Night Live from facing cancellation. A master of impersonations, he fits well with Darrell Hammond; there may be no one in history we can’t make fun of now. As a plus, my cast can now shoot Buckwheat every weekend, if we want. And just like Jon Lovitz, Joe Piscopo was on the top of the comedy heap at SNL, and when he left, he could never reached the top again. His talent is perfect for the sketch comedy format.

Piscopo embodies the spirit of my team, and to think, he was handed to me on a silver platter.

Once again, thank you.

Rob Terrell selects Tim Meadows

I remember one sketch in particular, I believe it was the season opener the year after Phil Hartman left. The cast members were auditioning for role of Bill Clinton. I remember Chris Elliott wanted to do Clinton as W.C. Fields, which turned out to be a harbinger of things to come. I also remember Tim Meadows. He had a great impression, the best of anyone, but in the middle of his speech he stopped and said, “I’m not getting this, am I?” Man, the way he said it was hilarious.

His signature character is, of course, Leon Phelps, better known to the world as “The Ladies’ Man.” That role is easily one of the more quotable SNL characters, at least with the crowd I run with. “The Ladies’ Man” to me is a guilty pleasure, much like Alan listening to ABBA in his car.

Once again, Rob’s scientific approach grabs a member from the mid-‘90s. I wonder if that’s a glitch in the system or just the way it worked out. We’ll have to get Rob to explain that.

Alan Benson selects Mary Gross

Good for you, Alan.

Jason Torchinsky selects Brian Doyle-Murray

So Jason says he needs a fat guy on his cast, and the only one left that he saw was Brian Doyle-Murray. I ask if he wanted him for his newscaster, since as far as I knew, that’s all he did on the show. Jason said no, he’s in the actor side. I said I didn’t think he performed in any sketches, but after a couple minutes of discussion, none of us were certain that he hadn’t been in any sketches, so we had to let Jason pick Brian Doyle-Murray.

Sure, why not? Who are we to stop Jason from creating the worst cast imaginable? Three of his seven members did absolutely nothing in SNL sketches. I can’t wait to see what’s next. Maybe he can draft that Amish dude who played bass for G. E. Smith. That would be great.

T. Mike Childs selects Rob Schneider

Admit it. If you’re old enough to have been in an office when Rob Schneider joins Saturday Night Live, admit it. You said “Makin’ copies!” while you made copies. It’s okay, we all did it. We all called our friend Tom the Tominator and Tomaromavich and Tomski. It’s just what we did, isn’t it?

Schneider’s Richmeister was an instant hit, but he had other popular characters, too (I’m partial to Tiny Elvis). I think he’s another performer whose stock fell in this draft based on his post-SNL career.

T. Mike discusses the Richmeister:

Round 7: In the vein of Adam Sandler, another low-brow crowd pleaser who got more annoying after they left the show: Rob Schneider. Not great, but good. Good enough for me.

–T. Mike Childs

You have to like it when your opponent describes his latest draft pick as “annoying.”

Round Seven recap

A lot of forgotten stars were claimed this round. Galen applied Affirmative Action to his draft selection, Jason decided the hole he’s dug for himself is not deep enough, and T. Mike and Rob decided to co-found an “I Heart the ‘90s” fan club. You know, the usual.

What do you think? Are we starting to lose our mojo? Have anyone been consistently successful? Who’s the largest omission so far? Use the Comments boxes to tell us the story.

Fantasy drafts are a lot like drinking and boxing: the more rounds you go, the greater your chance of brain damage. Don’t believe me? Well, maybe the Van Gogh-Goghs’ Round Five selections can convince you.

Galen Black selects Don Novello

There’s a very good chance that you have no idea who Don Novello is. I’m sure, however, you have heard of his most famous character: Father Guido Sarducci.

Galen has his Weekend Update newscaster, Tina Fey, and two of the three women picked already. He’s working on the Top Chick Gambit, and then instead of picking the strongest woman left, he goes after a one-trick pony.

And if you’re going to draft Don Novello at all, why in the fifth round? There’s Adam Sandler on the board, and Billy Crystal and Darrell Hammond and Jane Curtin and about thirty other performers who give your team more flexibility than Father Guido Sarducci.

Maybe Galen can add some insight. What say you, Mr. Black?

I chose Don Novello or more specifically I chose Father Guido Sarducci. Yes this man is a one trick pony, but what a trick. He was one of the earliest standout re-occurring characters and everyone loves the good father. Not a deep player, but solid in his position. I knew he wouldn’t last through the next two rounds and I wanted him. But I admit I jumped the gun here, especially with Billy Crystal, Harry Shearer, Adam Sandler, Joe Piscopo, and Christopher Guest still on the table.

–Galen Black

He knew Novello wouldn’t last through the next two rounds? Really? Did I misjudge the Van Gogh-Goghs that badly? I know Jason is capable of anything, but it looks like he righted his ship, so who would pick Don Novello before Galen at the end of the sixth round or beginning of the seventh. This is Galen’s first misstep in the draft.

Charles Rempel selects Jane Curtin

I picked Nora Dunn in the fourth round to block Galen, but Galen also blocked me by picking Jan Hooks in the third. I asked the guys if they wanted to allow trades between teams, but they all said that sounded like too much work. Oh, well, I guess it’s time for the Sweeney Sisters to work on their solo projects.

I see a run on female cast members starting, so I better get the one I want now or risk losing her forever. That’s why I select Jane Curtin, and as a performer, not a newscaster. Curtin is the best “straight man” in my cast now. She has an innate ability to set the mood and boundaries of a sketch and let the other actors break through them. Not that she can’t be a wild and crazy girl, either; for example, I love the nuanced nuttiness of Mrs. Loobner, who can hold her own in the scenes with the spastic nerds played by Bill Murray and Gilda Radner.

I’m really digging this team. I’m getting my newscaster in the last round (and don’t be surprised if I call the above name again), and I got my two super-sleeper picks in the eighth and ninth rounds (I can’t elaborate any more; someone may be listening), so if I can get two top-notch men in the next rounds, I’ll be bouncing off the walls

Rob Terrell selects Cheri Oteri

Rob’s first woman fits perfectly with his previous selections. It’s almost as if they performed together for years in the same cast. Well, all of them but one. I look at this cast and I hear the song, “One of these kids is not like the other…” I can envision backstage of Rob’s show, and Will Ferrell and Chris Kattan and Cheri Oteri are laughing and riffing and Chevy Chase is sitting on a couch, wondering what the hell a Fatboy Slim is.

Our grandparents would call Cheri Oteri a “firecracker.” She has energy to spunk to spare, and her characters give off a sweet wackiness that makes her a fan favorite (although a lot of her characters seem to be on the border on some mental deficiency). With Oteri joining Ferrell, the Cheerleaders are together and ready to rock, Spartan-style!

Alan Benson selects Harry Shearer

I’m not surprised that Harry Shearer has been picked. I’m surprised it’s this early.

Shearer had two tours of duty with SNL, and a lot better success in the second tour with Crystal and Short and Guest and Co. He’s a master of impressions, so Alan’s team does gain a lot of flexibility, and I can see him on Update with a commentary by Mike Wallace, which only strengthens the cast’s Weekend Update. He’ll make a good team with Dan Aykroyd. But with so many actors out there with a greater fan base, is it wise to snag Shearer in the fifth? We’ll see.

Jason Torchinsky selects Sarah Silverman

Jason is the biggest fucking idiot in this draft. Either that, or he just doesn’t give a shit about this. There is not one person in the world that can justify this pick. Even Sarah Silverman would say Jason’s full of shit on this.

I was very explicit before the draft that only the time on Saturday Night Live matters in this contest. After Jason picked Chris Elliott in the second, we went over it again. So why would he pick a woman who did NOTHING on the show?!?

The New Yorker, in a piece about Sarah Silverman, claims she only got one of her own sketches through to the dress rehearsal, and that it got cut before the live show. She was nothing but background, scenery, a woman to play someone’s date. She was totally underused and underappreciated on the show, and we all know it, but the fact remains that she did nothing on the show, and thus CANNOT HELP JASON’S CAST AT ALL.

Jason rationalized it by saying how hot she is and that his whole demographic probably has erections constantly after midnight; to back his “theory,” he sent via IM a bunch of sexy Sarah Silverman photos. Yes, I think she’s attractive. Thank you for the photos. I’m sure I can find some special use for them.

But Jason, you’re an ass.

The Chris Elliott pick is still worse, but this is close. It’s a shame Jason didn’t join us for the draft; I think he would have liked it.

T. Mike, wash this bitter taste out of my mouth, por favor.

T. Mike Childs selects Victoria Jackson

Well, it’s not the worst pick of the fifth round, that’s for sure.

I never understood the appeal of Victoria Jackson. All her characters and impressions seemed the same. Am I wrong? Some people would say I am, and that’s fine, it’s a free country (at least for a couple more hours). Every year she came back to the cast, I just shook my head and wondered what I was missing. Maybe T. Mike can shed some light on this.

The Gospel According to T. Mike;

Round 5: I need a woman! A good one! And most on my ill-researched, all-too-short list are gone! The standout? Mainstay Victoria Jackson. I could have done better, but I haven’t been watching much the last decade and couldn’t even tell you the names of the men, much less the women. Mistake one.

–T. Mike Childs

Now that’s a ringing endorsement.

Round Five recap

It was the Round of the Woman, with four female cast members selected (and three of them actually performed for Saturday Night Live!). Curtin and Oteri are solid picks, Jackson is a question mark, and the Silverman pick just makes me mad.

With half of the draft completed, you can get a good sense of each cast’s strengths and weaknesses:

Galen: John Belushi, Gilda Radner, Jan Hooks, Tina Fey (news), and Don Novello.

Galen has a great newscaster and two very talented women. His biggest weakness is on the men’s side of the equation. Belushi can’t do this alone. Look for Galen to start grabbing the biggest male stars left, people like Adam Sandler.

Charles: Eddie Murphy, Bill Murray, Jon Lovitz, Nora Dunn, and Jane Curtin.

My performers are mucho talented, regardless of whether their genitalia are internal or external. I have yet to address my Weekend Update slot, and I could use a top-notch impersonator. I hope to pick Darrell Hammond in the sixth round, and then I should be in great shape.

Rob: Chevy Chase (news), Will Ferrell, Chris Kattan, Chevy Chase, and Cheri Oteri.

Rob’s in great shape, too. He’s got one of the best news anchors, and two charismatic leading men. He’s got great supporting players and a lot of characters to work with. He could use a good impersonator, too, and some ladies that complement Oteri. I sure hope Rob enlightens us about his scientific method, because so far it’s working nicely.

Alan: Al Franken, Dennis Miller (news), Dan Aykroyd, Laraine Newman, and Harry Shearer.

Alan has definitely built his team around Weekend Update. I could see this cast turning into a quasi-“Daily Show” if this trend continues. His desire to get the underappreciated together on one team may not be the best strategy, because if no one appreciated them on other casts, why would we appreciate them collectively. Alan needs some high-energy goofballs (I’m talking actors, not drugs) to give his cast some life.

Jason: Phil Hartman, Chris Elliott, Chris Rock, Martin Short, and Sarah Silverman.

If Jason’s not going to spend any time drafting this cast, I’m not going to waste my time reviewing it. Phil Hartman deserves better, dammit!

T. Mike: Mike Myers, Dana Carvey, Chris Farley, Norm MacDonald (news), and Victoria Jackson.

T. Mike has a great anchor, solid male leads, and top-drawer impressions and characters. His weakness is women (it’s funny because it’s true). I think T. Mike needs to spend the next two picks getting the funniest ladies left.

Agree or disagree with this assessment? Who has the team to beat? Am I blind to my cast’s deficiencies? Do you appreciate Alan’s pack of lovable losers? Are you as pissed off with Jason’s picks as I am? Drop us a comment. I know I sure am curious about what you think.

We’re at that point in the draft where we need to pay attention to our open positions. I expect… I expect nothing anymore. That last round broke me. It broke me. I’m going to just take in one round at a time, one round at a time.

T. Mike Childs selects Adam Sandler

There is no reason why Adam Sandler should be available in the sixth round. He’s a star, he was the people’s champion, and he has that nutcase sensibility that adds to the cast’s wackiness quotient. One of the bigger stars to come out of Saturday Night Live, and he’s available in the sixth.

What does T. Mike have to say about this?

Round 6: Already feeling foolish over Jackson, I switch gears and forgo picking another woman (Mistake two). To make myself feel better, I grab a big name I can’t believe is still on the table: Adam Sandler.

–T. Mike Childs

Well said. Looking at T. Mike’s roster, though, I can’t help but think that he thinks SNL was only in the mid-‘90s. Anyone else see that?

Jason Torchinsky selects Christopher Guest

Where was this pick last round?

Christopher Guest is one of my all-time favorites. His one season on SNL was a showcase of his hyper-real characters he’s famous for; I watched the short film he did with Billy Crystal about the Negro League players, and it was five years later before I realized it was Guest in the film with Crystal. That’s how good his characters are. Christopher Guest should work well with Phil Hartman, giving the cast two dedicated craftsmen.

Now if Jason can somehow get Billy Crystal in the seventh round, he’ll have a decent comedy duo and a lot of material to work with. I have a hunch that won’t happen. I hate when that happens (I know what you mean, it’s like the time I took a ball peen hammer and…).

Alan Benson selects A. Whitney Brown

I’m this close to punching someone in the neck.

When Jason picked Christopher Guest, Alan said a small swear word, because he was hoping to grab Guest and team him with Harry Shearer (from Round Five) and Michael McKean (who would be picked in a later round). Then he could have a “Spinal Tap” reunion. Nice thinking, Alan. That would have been sweet.

Since Jason drafted Guest, Alan said he was going to be a softie and go with an old favorite. I’m thinking Billy Crystal, maybe Garrett Morris, maybe Joe Piscopo… but A. Whitney Brown? Did he do ANYTHING ELSE but the “Big Picture” on Update? Oh, according to my research, he has a Bartles and Jaymes impression. How timely.

I’m getting the distinct impression that Alan thinks SNL is a 15-minute newsmagazine that starts at midnight.

Rob Terrell selects David Spade

Wow, this database Rob made is cold and calculating, but not good at reading his opponents.

David Spade was one of the more popular cast members of the early ‘90s. His “Hollywood Minute” was a staple of Weekend Update, and his last year he did nothing but “Spade in America.” He built a cottage industry around being snarky. He was definitely a fan favorite.

And yet, he wasn’t necessarily a Van Gogh-Gogh favorite. Two guys in this draft told me point-blank there was no way they’d draft David Spade. Rob probably could have waited two more rounds for Spade. He made the same mistake with Chris Kattan, I think.

I’m not going to complain about it too much; I’m just going to reap the benefits.

Charles Rempel selects Darrell Hammond

Twelve seasons and 87 impressions. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present the true unsung hero of Saturday Night Live: Darrell Hammond. How did we forget about him? Maybe because he’s only been on SNL for 37.5% OF THE ENTIRE RUN OF THE SHOW! That’s just amazing.

He is the king of impersonations at SNL. I bet the writers come up with a sketch idea that needs a good impression. They go ask the other cast members if they can do the impression, just to be fair, and then they call Hammond. Darrell listens to the idea, nods, grabs a wig out of a box and nails the impression.

I was hoping like crazy that Hammond would be around until now. My cast has its uber-impressionist now, and a solid hard-working character actor to boot. I am now going to turn on some music and dance. You can’t hear that I’m playing the Bee Gees, can you? Good. That would be embarrassing if you could.

Galen Black selects Billy Crystal

I think this pick rooks mahvelous. Absolutely mahvelous.

Did you know Billy Crystal was supposed to perform stand-up on the very first episode of Saturday Night Live, but got cut for time restraints? And roughly a decade later, he comes back as the headliner. He has the big impressions, the wacky characters, and he even got to host a show, the SNL Film Festival, that year. He was on top of the comedy hill then.

And now? He passed over until the end of the sixth round. It’s criminal, I tells ya!

Galen lets us in on the secret of drafting Crystal:

I waited patiently for the snake draft to snake back to me and at the end of the 6th round I was very surprised to see Billy Crystal still available. I think we all forget how funny he was on Saturday Night Live. He was only there a year, but he did for Sammy Davis, Jr. what Piscopo did for Sinatra.

–Galen Black

This pick goes a long way in helping shore up holes in Galen’s cast. Billy Crystal complements Belushi’s style (and to think, they could have shared the stage on that first show).

Round Six recap

It was better than the fifth round that’s for sure.

This round saw a lot of the overlooked “big names” get snagged up in a hurry. Sandler, Spade and Crystal would have been picked by now if any other comedy collective were doing this draft. That’s not how the Van Gogh-Goghs roll.

Two glue-types (Christopher Guest and Darrell Hammond) got picked right about when they should, in the middle rounds after the stars are gone. The fact that Jason made one of the picks makes me think he drank a little of that Jekyll-and-Hyde potion he keeps in an old Coke can by his computer.

Of course, it wouldn’t have been a complete round without a head-scratcher, right? A. Whitney Brown? Seriously?

I mean, you’re on my side, right? There’s no way Brown should be drafted, right? Send us a comment, and let us know how this round turned out for you.

Three rounds down, seven to go. There’s a nervous tension in the air. Most of us are now scared to death that we’re going to forget someone, like we did with Dan Aykroyd. I believe the boys at Jason’s house just had a shot of Southern Comfort, so let’s give the booze a second to settle before we proceed.

There have only been two women chosen for our casts so far; I don’t know if that says something about the Van Gogh-Goghs or Saturday Night Live. I’m putting the onus (I said “onus,” get your mind out of the gutter) on SNL. It’s been easier for men to break out on the show than women. I don’t think you could really argue against that. Thus, our picking is based on the SNL ability, and not gender, of the cast. Except, of course, for Galen’s Top Chick Gambit. At least his gambit is better than Jason’s King-Doofus Gambit.

I think the alcohol is down and down smoooooth. Let’s begin. T. Mike, you’re on the clock.

T. Mike Childs selects Norm MacDonald (news anchor)

The third newscaster to go in this draft is, and I believe I’m using the term correctly, a “hoot.” MacDonald’s on the short list of the great anchors, no question about it. He added his unique take to the news, unlike so many of the others who read the news in a manner more suitable to late-night news in Charlotte than Studio 8-H. Did you know he’s Chevy Chase’s favorite newscaster (besides himself)? I just learned that myself. Chase said Norm’s the only other one to get it right.

T. Mike had a thought or two about this pick:

My next move? While figuring most folks will still be angling for hot actors, grab my news anchor at the top of round 3. Sometimes I ONLY used to watch SNL for the news! So I appreciate having a good anchor; it’s vital- that’s a weekly bit, a solid 15-20 minutes of the show. So I want the best: Dennis Miller. Yes, yes, yes, he became a horrible parody of himself, but AFTER he left SNL. He was at his snarkiest best doing the SNL news. Well, Alan thought so too, and got him first! Bastard! Time to punt again. But who? Steal the second best snarker from Galen’s list: Norm MacDonald. Like Miller, he’s useless as a sketch actor, but brilliant being himself on the news.

–T. Mike Childs

Still not sold on MacDonald? Consider his most famous theory: Germans love David Hasselhoff. Seems goofy, a little throwaway gag that he never threw away, right? Well, in the 2006 NBA playoffs, German-born Dirk Nowitzki of the Dallas Mavericks won two games in a row with clutch free-throw shooting. When reporters asked him how he was able to focus in such a pressure-filled time, Nowitzki said he relaxes by singing to himself. The song? “Looking for Freedom” by David Hasselhoff. Dismiss Norm MacDonald at your own peril.

Jason Torchinsky selects Martin Short

Martin Short was one of the hired guns of 1984, having already made his mark with Second City’s SCTV. He was only at SNL for one season, but what a season! Ed Grimley was huge, but I was always partial to Jackie Rogers, Jr. If you haven’t seen the “Male Synchronized Swimming” film with Harry Shearer, you might want to do it today; it’s one of the questions they ask you when you’re trying to get into heaven.

Short has that manic energy and precise comic timing that makes his characters connect with the audience (especially if the audience is filled with knuckleheads who have put “writing a summary of a Saturday Night Live fantasy draft” above “sleep” in their to-do lists).

I do find it interesting that Martin Short is picked before Billy Crystal, who was the headliner of that season. Is this a case of reflection, or revisionist history, or just that it’s Jason drafting and who knows what he’s thinking? Inquiring minds want to know.

Alan Benson selects Laraine Newman

An interesting choice to me. Laraine Newman is a talented actress, no question about it, but she never made that mark for her at Saturday Night Live. In her cast, Gilda had the animated characters, Jane Curtin had the prim-and-proper, mothers-and-authority-figures-and-newscaster niche carved out for her, and Laraine was there to… to play the third woman in a sketch? I mean, I can’t think of any recurring character for her, but I can for everyone else in her cast. Using just Saturday Night Live as our guide, I would have passed on her in favor of the Oteris and Shannons and Dratches of the world.

Of course, I could just be an idiot. Alan will now tell us all about Laraine:

Like the last round (Dan Aykroyd), I was kind of surprised to see Laraine Newman available. I mean, she was an original cast member! A Conehead! Featured in the October 1978 Marvel Team-Up! Plus, with both her and Dan Aykroyd in the cast, I could revive the “E. Buzz Miller and Christie Christina” sketches, featuring characters I don’t remember at all!

Honestly, I picked Laraine Newman because she exemplified the ethos of the SNL talented lesser-known. She hustled for the parts she got. Rather than relying on big characters, she cranked out minor parts to support other folks. She was a team player, and goddamit, that’s gotta count for something. For what is America but a team — a team of freedom-loving people, come together in harmony, overlooking our differences for the good of the whole community.

Oh wait, she was in that bigoted Bel-Airabs sketch, wasn’t she? OK, scratch the above.

–Alan Benson

Sure seems plausible enough, doesn’t it? I had put Newman further down my list, just because of her lesser-known original cast ethos mumbo jumbo walla walla bing bang bullshit Alan is talking about. I think Alan is becoming a crotchety old man, thinking that old is good and new is bad. Then again, my most recent cast member so far is Jon Lovitz. Hmm, I better check myself before I wreck myself.

While we’re talking about Laraine Newman, does anyone else remember her show “Canned Film Festival”? She ran a movie theater, and people came by to watch bad movies. It was more in the Elvira vein than Mystery Science Theater 3000. Anyway, all I can remember about the show was one night they showed “The Terror of Tiny Town,” a western done by little people. At one of the breaks, one of the male theater patrons leans forward and begins to badger the man in front of him if he ever wanted to “give a midget a bath.” Yep, there’s another clue into the mystery of “Why My Brains Thinks Weird Things.” Thanks, Laraine.

Rob Terrell selects Chevy Chase

Rob’s database must really like Chevy Chase. When Rob picked Chevy as his Update anchor in Round One, we made it clear that he couldn’t use Newscaster Chase in the sketch portion of his show. Rob’s pick has prevented the Chevy Split (newscaster on one cast, actor on another cast) that I was secretly hoping for.

Chevy was the first star, albeit short-lived. He was only on SNL for a little over a year; in fact, he’s almost been a guest on the show as many times as he was a cast member on the show! The only question is: will the kids of today still find Gerald Ford sexy? Maybe another question should be: did the kids of the late-‘70s find Gerald Ford sexy? And if I may follow up: if they did, does that make you a little queasy? Because it does to me. Well, something is making me queasy. Maybe it’s all these enchiladas I had for lunch.

Charles Rempel selects Nora Dunn

I’ll take Nora Dunn for the block.

There’s no way I was going to let the Sweeney Sisters fall into Galen’s lap, but that’s not the only reason I selected Nora Dunn. Her five years on SNL gave us several solid lead characters (Pat Stevens, anyone?) and impressions (her Martina Navratilova can still crack me up).

Plus, you got to like someone who sticks to her convictions, right? Dunn sat out the Andrew Dice Clay episode, deciding it was better to sit out in protest than to perform and implicitly support misogyny. Nora Dunn’s a talented actress who won’t back down from a fight and who won’t resign herself to play fourth fiddle in this cast.

And did I mention I figured out Galen was going to pick Dunn next and I’m snatching her away? It’s worth mentioning again.

Galen Black selects Tina Fey (news anchor)

Straight from Galen’s mouth to my email:

Your Nora Dunn steal still has me steamed. I knew it was a long shot, but I had her in my sights as round 4 was coming to an end and then I got the Rempel wammy. Damn you, REMPEL!

–Galen Black

See? I got him! I got him pegged! I can read you like a cheap novel, be-OTCH!

So with Nora Dunn gone, Galen decides to seat Tina Fey in the Update anchor chair. Last year, Fey became the longest-running anchor at SNL, with 117 episodes (six more than Dennis Miller and almost forty episodes more than Jimmy Fallon and Jane Curtin). Fey teamed with Jimmy Fallon to replace that mumblemouth Colin Quinn in 2000 and, when Fallon figured he was a big star who was going to make kajillions of dollars making movies (good luck with that, Jimbo), Fey took another lover, I mean “co-anchor,” in the form of Amy Poehler.

I liked Tina Fey’s delivery and timing. She may be my favorite newscaster, or at least right there with Dennis Miller. It’s a good pick, and it keeps the Top Chick Gambit alive.

Round Four recap

The run on female cast members has officially begun, with three selected in this round. My guess is that the three Van Gogh-Goghs who haven’t selected a woman yet (Rob, Jason and T. Mike) will rush to do so in the next two rounds.

Newscasters were also popular this round, with MacDonald and Fey joining Chase and Miller in the newsroom. That leaves only Jason and me left to name our Update anchor. I plan on waiting, since I’m pretty sure I’m going to be left with a quality anchor in the low rounds.

As for predictions for Round Five? I’ll say I think two (maybe three) more women are picked, and look for big names to go like Adam Sandler, Billy Crystal and David Spade. Don’t quote me on it, though, because I’d have a better chance to predict volcano eruptions and earthquakes than to predict our draft outcome.