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Van Gogh-Goghs Demand Elian Gonzalez Be Returned

LOS ANGELES (Miami Picayune) Apr. 10, 2000---- Los Angeles-based sketch comedy group the Van Gogh-Goghs today demanded that six-year-old Cuban refugee Elian Gonzales be immediately taken from the custody of his family members in Miami and returned to the ocean from which he was plucked in late November.

"As I learned from my mom, the only right thing to do is just put him back where we found him," said group member Galen Black. "If the Coast Guard hadn't picked him up and started playing with him, he never would have followed us home and we never would have had all these problems in the first place."

Other members of the group were more concerned with the political ramifications of Gonzalez remaining in the United States.

"The boy from the sea must be returned to the sea," Van Gogh-Gogh political advisor Rob Terrell said. "The best way to help the citizens of Atlantis and get rid of the dictator King Aquaman is not via a shortsighted embargo and accepting any refugees, but through a complete reformulation of American-Atlantean policy to one of constructive engagement."

"In addition, by keeping Gonzalez, we run the risk of enraging Neptune, God of the Ocean," Van Gogh-Gogh spiritual advisor Jason Torchinsky said. "He may smite us with his mighty trident or unleash the dread Leviathan from the inky depths upon us!"

While the group was unified in their call for the boy's release, several members worried about Gonzalez's future and how his stint on dry land may affect his reintegration into Atlantean society.,

"While our knowledge of mermaids is skimpy, our best data suggests if the mer-boy stays too long on dry land, he may lose the ability to transform his legs back into a fish's tail," Van Gogh-Gogh xenobiologist T. Mike Childs said. "Worse, he now has our smell on him. His own kind may be reluctant to accept him back. We can only pray that it is not too late."

Group member Charles Rempel claimed the controversy over the boy was merely a byproduct of the Florida Atlantean-American community's political clout.

"It's all political," Rempel said. "They go on about King Aquaman being a fearsome tyrant, but this is about returning a boy to his father. Or rather, a mer-boy to his mer-father. If Gonzalez had come from some other underwater nation, such as Lemuria or Mu, he'd have been deported so fast it would have made your head swim."

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