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Van Gogh-Goghs Eliminate Last Shred of Member's Dignity
Arduous Removal Process Now Complete.
LOS ANGELES (Van Gogh-Gogh Intermunicipal News) June 12, 2000-- Local sketch comedy group the Van Gogh-Goghs finally succeeded in eliminating the last shred of group member T. Mike Childs' dignity, it was reported Saturday.
The shred was removed as the group filmed a skit at member Rob Terrell's house, requiring Childs to don an Abraham Lincoln costume and take a bubble bath while pretending to be a phone sex worker.
Childs was chosen for, and accepted the role because of his already exceptional low level of dignity. The role, while humiliating, was not in and of itself the cause of Childs' dignitarial collapse. The other group members, feeling Childs was not acting sexy enough, began berating and taunting him. Childs' dignity, tattered and shopworn to begin with, finally succumbed amidst a cavalcade of hoots and admonitions to "work it, baby."
Reaction of other group members to the event was mixed, ranging from shock to unrestrained glee.
"He had dignity?" said group member Alan Benson. "Hunh. I'll be damned."
"I figured he had at least a few more good years in him before he cracked." said fellow member Galen Black, the cameraman for the shoot. "I mean, we weren't laughing at him, we were laughing with him. Actually- wait. Hunh. I guess we were laughing at him. Yes, definitely at."
"Finally! Yes!" exclaimed member Charles Rempel, "You [Childs] gonna cry? Cry baby, cry! We are the champions, no time for lo-o-osers, cause we are the champions... of the WORLD!"
"I look forward to him now silently absorbing our insults, instead of constantly irritating us with his attempts to communicate." said Terrell.
Group member Jason Torchinsky sounded a note of caution, "I'm worried his reactions to our good-natured hazing may be less satisfying in the future. It was his desperate, futile attempts to keep ahold of his dignity that made humiliating him so wonderfully, wonderfully fun."
Group members anticipated a changed relationship with the new, post-dignity Childs.
"Jeez, maybe he'll finally lighten up for Chrissakes," said Terrell.
"He's not gonna just mope around his apartment forever, is he?" asked Black. "Cause I need someone to cat-sit this weekend."
"Are you sure he had dignity?" asked Benson.
"Time to start in on Galen [Black]!" said Rempel.
"I guess I may have to change the mental image I have of him as a big, goony muppet." said Torchinsky. "Wait, now I'm making him do a little dance in my head. Dance T. Mike, dance! Ha ha ha!"
Memorial services for Childs' dignity will be held Tuesday at the Oki-Dog hot dog stand on the corner of Willoughby Avenue and Fairfax Avenue.
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