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Van Gogh-Goghs To "Keep It Real"
Van Gogh-Goghs stress realness; maintaining said realness.

LOS ANGELES, Aug. 30, 1998 (VGG Press International) -- In a press conference today, Los Angeles-based sketch comedy group the Van Gogh-Goghs renewed their long-standing promise to their fans to "keep it real." This declaration was apparently sparked by a widespread rumor that the six-man group had "gone Hollywood."

"We reject the notion that we have gone soft as ludicrous. A highly wack idea." said a visibly angry Jason Torchinksy.

The Van Gogh-Goghs' pact with their audiences was originally made shortly after the group's inception in 1992. When the promise was made public, it sparked a nasty debate among the comedy community, traditionally fans of not keeping things real.

This promise, coupled with the public's recent fascination with bass-heavy "gangsta gags" earned the Van Gogh-Goghs numerous fans. However, their much-discussed move from Chapel Hill, N.C., to Los Angeles last year sparked rumors that the group had turned their backs on their fans, a charge the group members dispute.

"We moved to L.A. to rake in the dead presidents," said Rob Terrell, pointing to his garish "member for life" tattoo. "By the G-ful." agreed fellow VGG T. Mike Childs.

Although the Van Gogh-Goghs deny the "gone Hollywood" rumor, they freely admit they are in comedy primarily for the benjamins. However, MC Galen "Cat Master G" Black stressed that the group has "also got a story to tell — a story perhaps the Man isn't too keen on hearing, but tell it we will. For all of the bruthas and sistas out there."

"We owe it to our homiez and our hoodz, to whom we'd like to give a very sincere and heartfelt shout-out," he added.

"North Carolina in the hizouse!" an enthusastic Childs interjected.

At the press conference, the group assured their fans that they would continue to "rep-ray-zent."

"Suburban Greensboro, N.C., is our turf, and we owe it to them to be the baddest muthafreakas we can be," said Charles Rempel, the hood of a blue sweatshirt pulled menacingly over his eyes. "Except Galen and T. Mike, of course — those boys are from Thomasville, N.C., and Charlotte, N.C., respectively."

"Mess wit da G-boro, and we'll freak your shizit up," Alan Benson, the group's mack daddy, averred.

At one point, the press conference threatened to break down when a reporter questioned the group's actual ties to their hometown. Terrell eased the tensions by pointing out that even though Torchinsky was born in New Rochelle, N.Y., Rempel in Enid, Okla., and Benson in Norfolk, Va., they all consider Greensboro their home.

"No matter how large we may eventually live, nor how mad we may blow up, we will always have fond memories of our old hood," Terrell said.

"Word!" agreed Childs.

Torchinsky took special care to address accusations that the group's comedic material has suffered since the move to L.A. "We have always, do now, and will always, do our utmost to write the freshest, dopest, phattest, defest sketches of which we are capable."

This pursuit of mad comedy beatz — as well as their fierce pride for their adopted home city — drives the Van Gogh-Goghs to further hone their already considerable abilities, according to the group.

"Our fans need never worry about our skillz, which I would like to stress, are mad," Black said.

"Other comedy groups cannot take a sketch to da bank cuz it comes back stamped 'insufficient skillz,'" Benson joked. "Not so with us. A VGG sketch goes straight to da bank cuz it's pure gold, boyeeee!"

At the conference, Rempel singled out for a tounge-lashing several group "enemies," including "sucka improv groups that think they're fly." He recommended that they "better watch their backs, because we are da bomb."

(Later in the day, Rempel issued a retraction of this statement. He explained that he misspoke, and meant to point out that the Van Gogh-Goghs are, in fact, "the bizomb.")

The Van Gogh-Goghs wrapped up the press conference with a special warning to their detractors.

"[The people spreading the rumors] are ignorant of the 411," Torchinsky said. "Only the ill-advised would dis our posse."

"Wiggity wiggity wack," Childs added. "Brrrrrrr stickem, ha, ha, ha stickem."

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