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Van Gogh-Goghs Like Candy, Puppies
LOS ANGELES, Sept. 13, 1998 (VGG Press International) --
The Van Gogh-Goghs came out heavily in favor of candy and puppies today in a press conference at their plush international headquarters in Los Angeles, Calif.
"Three cheers for candy and puppies!" shouted the group's pep leader Rob Terrell, leading the group in a cheer, "Hip, hip, hooray! And such like."
"Candy and puppies are cool. Way cool." urged fellow Van Gogh-Gogh Jason Torchinsky. "Seriously."
A fierce-eyed Torchinsky said, "We feel the mainstream media has ignored candy and puppies as a whole. And those times candy and puppies are brought up, too often only the negative aspects are mentioned, such as their cold, wet noses— something a puppy has absolutely no control over!" Torchinsky is the group's self-appointed media watchdog.
Fellow candy and puppy aficionado Galen Black stepped in to soothe his troubled colleague, "We just want to bring the positive aspects of candy and puppies to the forefront of the public's consciousness. Candy tastes good. Puppies are warm and furry."
"The ordering of candy before puppies is strictly alphabetical," explained group member Charles Rempel, "It does not mean we like one better than the other." Rempel continued: "Also, while we want to stress our positive feelings about candy and puppies, we are by no means limiting ourselves to liking only candy and puppies."
When queried about their stance on kittens and ice cream, a puppy-petting Galen Black smiled and said, "That's really outside the scope of this event. We're here today to discuss candy and puppies."
"I don't just like candy, I love candy!" said an enthusiastic T. Mike Childs, while he shoved handfuls of Goobers and Nerds into his mouth to illustrate his point. When asked about puppies and his feelings towards them, Childs, abruptly ended his statement with a terse, "No comment."
Van Gogh-Gogh member Alan Benson was not present at the press conference. The other members reacted strongly to allegations that Benson's absence was due to a puppy bite or illness from eating too much candy.
"You can never eat too much candy!" argued Childs.
"This is typical of the anti-candy and anti-puppy bias that exists in the media!" exclaimed Torchinsky, beating his shoe on the table.
"Candy and puppies are good. That's so hurtful to say that," said Terrell, weeping openly.
The group then dismissed the allegations by delivering a statement prepared by Benson that read: "I, Alan Benson, being of sound mind and body, do hereby declare that I like candy, puppies, Chevrolets, hot dogs (also known as "frankfurters") and apple pie and Communism, in that order."
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