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Van Gogh-Goghs Demand Release of Independent Counsel Report

LOS ANGELES (Associated Van Gogh-Gogh Press), Sept. 23, 1998 -- Local sketch comedy group the Van Gogh-Goghs, freshly returned from a month long vacation under a rock, today announced they planned to pressure Independent Counsel Kenneth Starr to release a report on the president's conduct.

At a press conference this morning, five members of the group announced their intention to start a vigorous letter-writing campaign aimed at urging the immediate release of Starr's report.

"I think this report will shine a much-needed light upon Bill Clinton's conduct," Van Gogh-Gogh T. Mike Childs said. "I mean, according to our sources, there are even allegations that he misused a tobacco product."

"If that's true, then we have to impeach him!" group member Galen Black shouted. "Why, back home in North Carolina, messin' with a tobacco product is like not saluting King Richard [Petty, a noted stock car driver]."

"We think it's about time that the American people know exactly what's been going on inside the White House," said Van Gogh-Gogh Jason Torchinsky. "I mean, who knows what that lousy Ford has been up to?"

"You hush up and go help get Rob out," group member Charles Rempel told Torchinsky. "Leave this to us."

(Rempel was referring to the fact that Van Gogh-Gogh Rob Terrell was still stuck under the rock where and the other five Van Gogh-Goghs had spent the better part of the past month. According to Black, the six Van Gogh-Goghs spend every September wedged underneath the large boulder, which lies at the exact geographic center of the Dayton, Ohio, airport.)

The Van Gogh-Goghs said they were advocating the immediate and complete release of all files relating to Starr's investigation. This call came after the members realized they were "really, really nosy."

"Who knows what Starr has dug up? Dug has up...up has dug. Lemme start again," said group member Alan Benson, noted hater of sentence-ending prepositions.

The group has made similar demands in the past. In 1987, they advocated the release of documents pertaining to the Iran-Contra affair. And, in 1992, the Van Gogh-Goghs insisted that they get a free copy of Madonna's Sex. There are no reports of these demands actually being met.

This time, the group has added a new twist to their demand. Based on the growing popularity of computer bulletin board systems, the Van Gogh-Goghs demanded that the report be made available over the so-called "data two-lane road."

"This will allow perverts around the world to fondle themselves furiously while reading online," Childs said. "Oh wait, did I say 'perverts'? I meant 'people.' People around the world. Heh. You probably should just ignore most of what I say."

Before the press conference, several members of Starr's staff allegedly leaked a quote from the Independent Counsel that indicated Starr suspected the Van Gogh-Goghs' demands were driven by a desire to "get their jollies off reading about naughty stuff." The Van Gogh-Goghs vigorously denied this charge.

"OK, sure, our copy of 'Juggs' was late this month, but we have a large stockpile of prurient materials here at VGG HQ," Torchinsky said. "I think the Independent Counsel is underestimating the Van Gogh-Goghs' devotion to erotica."

"Besides, I bet the really hot stuff, you know, the Whitewater testimony and the Travel Office records, won't even be in the report," Rempel said. "I mean, illicit sexual relations...what's arousing about that?"

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