Van Gogh-Goghs Unable to Explain Lack of News
LOS ANGELES, May 10, 2005 (VGG Bicoastal Press) – Van Gogh-Goghs and Van Gogh-Goghs watchers alike were stunned to learn that nothing newsworthy has happened to the Los Angeles-based sketch comedy group in five years. A quick check of the publicly accessible Van Gogh-Gogh News Archive (http://www.vgg.com/news) clearly shows that the last news item is dated May 10, 2001.
The Van Gogh-Goghs instituted their news program in January of 1998 to reveal shocking evidence they had uncovered in the Monica Lewinsky scandal, which was later revealed to be poorly faked. From 1998 thru 2000, the group averaged 12.33 news items a year. Then, in 2001, all Van Gogh-Gogh news suddenly stopped dead after only the fourth release of that year (see graph, inset).
When asked about the strange gap, members of the group expressed shock and confusion. “What?” asked member Galen Black when informed, “Who? Where? When? Why? How? How much? And to what degree?” Black was then led to the nurses’ station and given a juice box.
Group newsologist T. Mike Childs tried to explain the news drought as a shift in the group’s standards. “Standards of newsworthiness change with time. What was newsworthy five years ago may today be of little or no interest today. I think this is true with the VGG news. Five years ago, all of our antics were newsworthy. Now? Who cares? Nobody. Not even me.” Childs then broke into tears and had to be escorted to the nurses’ station.
Biblical scholar and former Van Gogh-Gogh expert Dr. Arthur J. Corrino agreed with Childs’ assessment. “I told you to stop calling me!” said Corrino. “Don’t make me get caller ID!”
Group member Rob Terrell shockingly suggested fraud when informed of the gap. “You want new news? Just re-date the old news so it’s new again.” Terrell was then escorted to the nurses’ station and given an expired juice box that had been re-dated. After initially cringing, he maintained that “it tastes just as good.” He then proceeded to vomit.
Jason Torchinsky initially denied the obvious stating, “What? Don’t be silly. We have plenty of news. News all the time. Lotsa news. All your news is belong to us! Ha! Get it?!” When confronted with the facts (and the datedness of his “all your base are belong to us” reference), Torchinksy became visibly agitated. “Uh. Hunh. Who knew? Knews- Who news?! Ha! Get it?! And… Er… no news is good news! Ooo, ‘Lost’ is on, gotta go!” Torchinsky was then escorted to the nurses’ station and given a juice box personally spiked by Michelle Rodriguez.
Reached at his fortress of isolation high upon the ivory tower, group member Alan Benson was also at a loss. “Oh gee, I have absolutely no idea. Gosh, I don’t know how this atrocity occurred. Maybe if me, Charles, and Rob hadn’t all moved back to North Carolina, we’d be able to get together with T. Mike, Galen, and Jason in Los Angeles and investigate. Try asking the secretary at Jason and Rob’s five-year-old Internet company. Maybe you could ask Rob’s new wife and three baby daughters–or maybe Charles’ twin baby boys know the answer, or maybe T. Mike mentioned it in his book he wrote. It may even be that the answer lies hidden in Galen’s new addition to his house. Now if you’ll excuse me, my I have to head off to grad school before having dinner with my new girlfriend. Dipshit.”
VGG watcher Selena Berrier called the group to task on the omissions. “This is a conspiracy of silence, pure and simple. No news means no criticism. From me. For their crappy news stories. They couldn’t handle the truth so they just covered it up by not updating even once in five years–not just their news, but their ENTIRE site. Shame!” At this point, the nurses’ station was full, so Berrier was escorted to a nearby Quizno’s and given a small paper cup filled with vinegar.
Prospects for future updates continue looking dim, but there is some hope. Quite a bit of spirited discussion took place in the nurses station.
“I like juice,” said Black.
“Juice doesn’t judge you,” agreed Childs.
“Neither does The Juice!” Torchinsky added. “You know, ‘The Juice.’ O.J. Simpson. He’s still topical, right?”