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Thanksgiving conversation stoppers

Ah, Thanksgiving. A time when Americans across the country sit down and give thanks for the many blessings that Odin has bestowed on them. Tragically, too many times, this giving of thanks comes in the form of the awkward "let's go around the table and say what we're thankful for" jive that does little more than give the turkey grease a few more minutes to congeal. After all, who cares what your nosepicker of a great uncle is thankful for when you're looking down the barrel of a nummy L-tryptophan bullet with cranberry gunpowder and stuffing armalite. (That's what we in the biz call an "extended metaphor.")

So this year, instead of waiting for each family member to come up with some lame offering, volunteer to go first and STOP THE MADNESS. Bring conversation to a screeching halt, shock and appall the older folks, and get down to eatin' business a.s.a.p. Just remember: An awkward silence you can eat during is much better than feigning interest while the green bean casserole cools.

How can you do it? Simple. Grab the floor and give thanks for:
*Cops that aren't "too big" to take a bribe.
*The fact that no one knows how you "used" the raw turkey.
*Alla you biznitches! Peace out!
*Glory holes. Especially the one between your bedroom and the guest room your relatives are staying in.
*The coming race war.
*The fact that your cousin swallows (or so you heard).
*Little girls (cue long, lingering look at the kids' table).
*Your family's willingness to take part in your elaborate murder-suicide pact. More turkey grandma?
*Rough sex.
*That grampa isn't alive today to see what a bunch of shits you all turned out to be. (Ideally, grampa will be both a) alive and b) at the table when you say this.)
*That your sister still doesn't know how she owes her existence to a fifth of vermouth and a timely visit by the meter man.
*Men who aren't afraid to cry when you unload a pistol into them.
*The fact that you prepared some visual aids that explain in stunning detail how turkeys are slaughtered.
*Biz and its ability to get out blood stains.
*The continued existence of affordable crack whores in this unstable economy.
*Gag orders. And if cousin Bobby knows what's good for him, he'd be thankful for them, too.
*Over-spiced stuffing that hides the taste of urine.
*Physics! (Then sloppily try the pull-the-tablecloth off the table trick.)

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