PART II
by Galen Black


The Wine Caddy
For some reason I associate wine with class. I don't know why. "Wino" isn't a title placed on those of the elite caste. So where did I make that association "wine=class"? Not here in the pages of SkyMall that's for dang sure. I can't imagine Emeril Lagasse or Wolfgang Puck walking to their restaurant wine cellars and pulling a nice Merlot from the thigh of "Pierre" here.

Emergency Fire Hood
Now I can't knock this. This is a great item. It should be by every bed in your house or apartment. I'm all for anything that saves lives no matter how "gadgetie" it is. I just like the sales pitch the write-up gives. "Yet it's only $9.99" By all rights the makers of this product should be charging you an arm and a leg for this and charging you two arms, a leg and half your liver for one that you put in your child's room. I must say that price tag is pretty generous for the amount of plastic and the "3-layer ionized smoke filter" they put into it. If you thought for an instant this is over priced, well then you must not value human life very high. For shame.

Moon Shoes
Okay these are great and everyone should buy a pair for their kid. If you don't have a kid, then buy a pair and chunk them onto a school playground as you drive by. For a while there, I was afraid children's toys where becoming too safe. I mean with the elbow pads and the knee braces and the head helmets and the padded bras. Finally, a company with the courage to hurt kids again. Take that Ralph Nader!

Travel Weights
Ever wanted to workout while on vacation, but just couldn't find a bellhop willing to carry your Solaflex up 3 flights of stairs. Well, here is the answer to your prayers to the gods. These travel weights work on the principle that air doesn't weigh anything, but water does. Just fill the dumbbell with water when you get to the hotel. When you're ready to go home, just empty the water. You see? It's a great idea. But come on, lighten up! You're on vacation! No one there knows your a fat slob. Enjoy yourself. The gym ain't going no where and will be there when you get back home. You can stop worshiping your body for one day. Your body will forgive you. You have a all-powerful, all-knowing, all-merciful bod. All praise your body. Hail! Hail! Quick while your body's busy being praised, eat a doughnut.

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