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Courts Thwart Newlywed Van Gogh-Goghs Adoption Attempt

LOS ANGELES (Oprah Magazine), April 5, 2001— A Los Angeles Superior Court judge has thrown out the Van Gogh-Goghs sketch comedy group's petition to adopt a child.

The all-male comedy group, who discovered that they were common-law married this past January, had asked the court to approve their adoption plan. But after a hearing Wednesday, Judge Joseph Force Crater ruled that the sextet was clearly "unfit to be parents."

"Raising a child is a big responsibility," said Judge Crater during the heated proceedings. "I have yet to see sufficient evidence you can even keep your rehearsal area neat and tidy. And now you want to adopt a child? Maybe when you're older."

The Van Gogh-Goghs argued vehemently, insisting the orphan could be the entire groups' Christmas AND birthday present. The judge pointed out he was not in the habit of exchanging gifts with defendants.

The Van Gogh-Goghs then protested they would feed the orphan "every day" and change the papers in its cage on a regular basis, which led to the following heated exchange:

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to put my judicial foot down," said Judge Crater.

"But we can use Jason's old cage!" said group member T. Mike Childs. "Jason is lots bigger than an orphan, so it should be plenty big enough!"

"And we can use this old water bottle from when I had a hamster!" said group member Galen Black.

"And what happened to this hamster of yours?" asked Judge Crater.

"He got drownded when I was playing 'Titanic' in the tub," responded Black.

"Aw, way to go dumb ass," said group member Charles Rempel, who then hit Black in the shoulder. "You can kiss that orphan goodbye!"

"The answer is no, and that's final," said Judge Crater, bringing down his gavel and ending the hearing.

In a press conference following the ruling, the Van Gogh-Goghs accused the courts and child welfare officials of unfairness and prejudice in their decision.

"Judge Crater doesn't really care about orphans!" claimed Childs. "He'd rather see them suffer in an some orphanage run by well-paid child-care professionals than given to a loving bunch of six guys with a perfectly good cage that's hardly even been used."

"Once again we see racism rear its ugly head!" said group member Alan Benson. "No wait, I mean sexism. Or is it bigamy? No. Homophonia! That was it! Once again we see homophonia rear its ugly head!"

State officials, who denied any knowledge of "homophonia," said that at no time did prejudice against group-married sketch comedy troupes play a part in their decision. As proof, they pointed to several recent successful adoptions by L. A. comedy groups Soylent Grin, the Laughter Affects, and The Gigglebytes.

Following the hearing, the Van Gogh-Goghs were found to be in contempt of court and sentenced to bed without any supper.

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© copyright 2001 The Van Gogh-Goghs