Van Gogh-Goghs Offer Y2K Solutions
LOS ANGELES (Associated Van Gogh-Gogh Press), Oct. 19, 1998 --
Local sketch comedy group the Van Gogh-Goghs responded to President
Clinton's declaration of October 19-23 as National Y2K Action Week by offering a series of year 2000 issue-related seminars. Each seminar will pull from an
individual group member's special skills and abilities to address the challenges posed by this computer "bug."
Member Rob Terrell, a skilled computer programmer and alarmist, offered a
less rosy scenario than most Y2K consultants. "The living will envy the dead. Everything will stop working forever and the entire world will be plunged
into a new 'Dark Ages' of total chaos and anarchy. Roving gangs of vampires and
zombies will terrorize the burnt, desolate wastelands that once were our cities and industrial parks."
Terrell continued, "So whether you're a data entry operator or a senior
network administrator, please sign up for my course on the seven methods
of highly effective suicide."
Jason Torchinsky, the group's automotive enthusiast, will be offering a
seminar on how to "...turn your car into one of them crazy
post-apocalypse Mad Max-mobiles." Torchinsky offered a few free tips for the public: "First thing you do is get rid of those boring body panels. Then weld some guns all over it. And please, check your tire pressure monthly."
Charles Rempel, the group's sergeant-at-arms, will be training computer
nerds and internet geeks in tinpot dictatoring skills and taking their lunch money. "The fragmented, decentralized world of the future will need strong local authority figures to maintain discipline," said Rempel, "Figures such as
charismatic warlords and heavily armed strongmen." When asked about his
unorthodox payment scheme, Rempel responded, "These skills are a bargain
at only the cost of a lunch. Now hand it over, pasty-faced journalism boy."
Group wuss T. Mike Childs will be giving a seminar complimentary to
Rempel's, 'How to be a Yes Man.' "The two-bit dictators of the years 2000 and
beyond will need toadys and lackeys." said Childs. "No warlord is truly complete without at least one. I want you to be that lackey." Childs then turned to Rempel and volunteered to donate his lunch money to Rempel's seminar. Rempel thanked Childs with a face shove and suggested Childs "...now beat it, you geek."
Alan Benson, the group's charismatic warlord, will be offering advice on
opening cans of 'whoop-ass,' and kicking hiney until the kicker's white
shoes turn brown. "I'm not saying them apes won't take over the planet. But I'm sure as hell not going down without a fight." Benson then muttered something about "them damn dirty apes" before he was interrupted by Terrell, who muttered "Dead, all dead." Childs then broke in, muttering, "No phones, no lights, no motorcars, not a single luxury. Something something something, as
primitive as can be."
"Would you guys quit muttering!" demanded Galen Black, the only group
member not leading a seminar.
"Sorry, just had the Gilligan's Island theme running through my head." apologized Childs.
Black claimed he did not need a seminar and was not worried about the
potential difficulties the Y2K bug may present. "When the Lord raptures
me up, I will be safe in my savior's arms looking down on my colleagues as they
fight off vampires, zombies, apemen, giant radioactive lizards, and the four
horsemen all in blind rages because they can't send e-mail. I will probably laugh."
"Shit!" responded Terrell, "I forgot all about the giant radioactive lizards!"
"Get right with God. There- that's my entire seminar," Black joked.
People interested in attending any of the planned seminars should contact
the Van Gogh-Goghs via e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.