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Van Gogh-Goghs to Become "Big Phony Hollywood Assholes"
LOS ANGELES (Associated Van Gogh-Gogh Press), Nov. 19, 1998 -- The Van Gogh-Goghs announced today that they planned to become "big phony Hollywood assholes."
The six-man sketch comedy group, who are currently small phony Hollywood jerks, claimed the upgrade will make their lives easier in the group's adopted hometown of Los Angeles, the asshole capital of the world. According to group members, the planned "attitude adjustment" would also ensure the group's fame and fortune.
"Basically, we're thinking that success won't change us, we'll change for success," Van Gogh-Gogh Jason Torchinsky said.
"Even though I live in a squalid hellhole, it's important that we all start acting like pampered moneyed types now," group member Rob Terrell said. "That way, when success arrives, we'll be ready for it. Now gimme some damn scotch, peon."
"For me the goal is to take my naturally irritating demeanor and push it to the next level; the level of asshole," fellow VGG T. Mike Childs said. According to the other Van Gogh-Goghs, Childs has a long way to go from spineless, whiny spaz to asshole, but he relished the challenge.
"My cowardice and stunted ability to care are a good start, but I always have to be asking myself: 'Am I loudly demanding enough from others? And where the hell is the scotch?'"
Childs was interrupted by Terrell, who leapt in front of Childs and pointed to himself.
"My strength has always been my cavalier disregard for other people's valuable time," Terrell said, eliciting affirming nods from the rest of the group. "That's why my current salary is twice that of any other Van Gogh-Gogh. As I learn how to better piss off other people, I expect my power and stature to rise accordingly. So that scotch, it's coming, right?"
Fellow member Alan Benson concurred. "Assholes get things done," he said. "Look at the great leaders of history: Caesar, Napoleon, Washington, Terrell. All of them had a history of under-tipping and sending back entrees on one pretext or another."
Benson said he has been practicing his assholosity, sending back entrees on the flimsiest of excuses. "Next I will send an entree back just because I've changed my mind," he said. "Oh, and I hate humanity. But I love scotch. Get me some. Now."
The Van Gogh-Goghs aren't the only ones who believe their positive attitude towards life and cheery demeanor is hurting their careers. The Dale Carnegie Institute has seen attendance soar at their new seminar, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Big Phony Hollywood Assholes.
The Van Gogh-Goghs announced plans to attend this seminar as soon as they can coordinate their schedules. "But just between you and me, the other guys are being real assholes about it," Benson said.
Attending the seminar was apparently news to the group's rebel without a conscience, Charles Rempel.
"What the freak are you talking about, ugly?" Rempel shouted. "No one told me anything about any damn classes. Asshole lessons? That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. You're lucky Sportscenter is on, or I'd beat you with my empty scotch bottle!"
A group spokesperson later claimed Rempel misspoke and that he did not mean to imply the reporter was ugly. However, the spokesperson affirmed that Rempel would hit someone with an empty scotch bottle, given the chance.
Torchinsky said he thought the other group members may be not be applying themselves properly.
"I think we're focusing too hard on becoming assholes and not enough on being phony," he said. "That's where I'm concentrating the bulk of my efforts: into chronically forgetting things and breaking casually made promises."
"And as I told Tova Borgnine and the reanimated corpse of Phil Silvers at Spago's, I've been working on my name-dropping."
Becoming an asshole has been hardest on VGG Galen Black, the group's soft-spoken, salt-of-the-earth type.
"Some people are born assholes, some achieve assholeness, I have had assholeness thrust upon me," he said. "My relationship with God is my biggest obstacle — and my biggest asset. I hope to twist it so I become self-righteous, judgmental and hateful."
"And on the advice of the group, I've taken up drinking scotch," he added. "So, could you like, get me some?"
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