The BP Oil Leak Disaster Movie!

The BP Oil Leak Disaster rages on, spurting bajillions of toxic oil into the Gulf! Several goofily-named attempts to seal it have failed. Now what?! Like all good disaster movies, the solution to the oil spill might be to blow up the problem with a nuclear bomb:

First, however, BP needs to assemble a ragtag bunch of losers, oldsters, and rebels into a lean, mean, oil-well-nukin’ machine.

harrison ford will never have a role as cool as Han Solo again.Harrison Ford as the grizzled veteran oil man who retired in shame after a similar accident ten years ago!

shia labeouf. um, how is he popular again?Shia Lebeouf as the newbie looking to prove himself!

We love ALF!Max Wright as the evil bureaucrat!

I'm crazy. But not Matt McConaghey crazy.Owen Wilson as the computer expert!

Best Bond evar!Sean Connery as the wheelchair-bound marine biologist! (His character is cajun, but doesn’t bother to change his accent.)

Frogs need love, too.Gérard Depardieu as the French cork expert brought in against the team’s wishes!

Looking forward to seeing you on VH1's Behind the Music, kid!Justin Bieber as the stowaway!

Is it hot in here, or is it just your boob job?Megan Fox or any other interchangeable young actress as the eye candy/”love interest” (in quotes because, let’s face it, these flicks are all about the love that dare not speak its name)!

Stan is the man. Excelsior!Stan Lee as the obligatory cameo!

This movie practically makes itself! We can see it now…just before the big climax, this bit of dialogue from the article plays out:

“Probably the only thing we can do is create a weapon system and send it down 18,000 feet and detonate it, hopefully encasing the oil,” Matt Simmons, a Houston energy expert and investment banker, told Bloomberg News on Friday, attributing the nuclear idea to “all the best scientists.” Or as CNN reporter John Roberts suggested last week, “Drill a hole, drop a nuke in and seal up the well.”

Hollywood, we await your call.

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