If you're like us, and when we say "like us" we mean a pride of super-intelligent lionesses hell-bent on the destruction of Funky Winkerbean, then Christmas time is a time of nervous energy, especially in regards to a Mr. Kris Kringle and the gifts he likes to give. The concept of "nice kids get toys, naughty kids get coal" might work if you know if you're 100 percent nice, like Jimmy Stewart, or 100 percent naughty, like Martha Stewart. But what about the bastards who aren't sure where they fit in the naughty/nice spectrum? You know, the people who mow an elderly woman's lawn for free and then urinate in her neighbor's hot tub. Or the people who give the world "Girl, Interrupted," and then steal $5,000 worth of clothes. For these people, we present our "Naughty or Nice" quiz. Answer the questions below to see if you can expect an XBox or an assload of briquets. 1. Your neighbor asks you to watch his house for the weekend. What do you say? a) "Sure, I'll watch your house. Should I pick up your mail as well?" b) "Sure, I'll watch your house... watch it burn! Burn! Burn!" 2. Your grandmother calls and asks for a ride to the hospital. What do you do? a) Drive her to the hospital immediately. b) Drive her to the bar halfway to the hospital and hit her up for foosball money. 3. A guy walks up to you and offers to sell you a brand-new Rolex for $30. What do you do? a) Refuse to buy it, then find a police officer and tell him about suspected stolen goods. b) Mug the guy, then sell the watch for $25. 4. A person in your office asks you out on a date. What do you do? a) Say you're flattered and graciously accept, but insist on paying half. b) Say "Sure, I got five minutes. Meet me in the middle stall in the men's room. Bring the Ripple." 5. A hideously ugly person (even uglier than you) asks you out on a date. What do you do? a) You accept, knowing the inner beauty is more important than outer beauty. b) You decline, and instead sneak into the back seat of their car and jack off. 6. You find a wallet on the ground. What do you do? a) Return it to its rightful owner. b) Search it for rolling papers and condoms, then flush it down the toilet. 7. The President of the United States announces that there is a rolling-papers-and-condoms bomb located somewhere in the downtown area. If you come upon it, please search it to see if it indeed contains rolling papers and condoms, then destroy it. He begs you not to return it to its rightful owner, for doing so will cause a nuclear holocaust. You find this bomb. What do you do? a) Return it to its rightful owner. b) Search it for rolling papers and condoms, then flush it down the toilet. 8. You have an opportunity to cheat at solitaire. What do you do? a) Don't cheat, because you're only cheating yourself. b) Cheat, because you're only cheating yourself. 9. Your butler tells you that your yacht cleaner will take two hours longer than expected. What do you do? a) Shoot them both in the face. b) Shoot just the yacht cleaner in the face, cause hey, it's not your butler's fault. 10. You fall into a space-time portal and land in Hitler's 7th birthday party. What do you do? a) Devote the rest of your life to mentoring him, so that he'll grow to be a right and just member of society. b) Molest the shit out of him. Back to Gabba Gabba Ho! Main Page © copyright 2002 The Van Gogh-Goghs