Archive for the ‘Self-Centered’ Category

My Day With the Self-A-Razzi

Tuesday, April 14th, 2015

I got hounded by the self-a-razzi all day today. I finally got sick of it. Ridiculous. Check out the photos. (Click image to see slide show)

The Van Gogh-Goghs’ Discography

Sunday, September 14th, 2014

The humor of the Van Gogh-Goghs has always been a group effort, the exceptions being Jason and T. Mike’s stand-up routines, Galen’s monologues, and Rob’s arrest for impersonating an astronaut. But this hasn’t always been the case. Early on in the plucky sextet’s comedy careers, each member dabbled in the art of comedy albums. Here is the known collection of VGG comedy albums, excluding foreign imports and bootlegs:

 

Pillowhead Talk

Label: Doneycat Records
Catalog No. 38562-J
Produced by the Dimmer Twins (Benson & Rempel)
Recorded: Spring 1993

The Pillowheads were the Van Gogh-Gogh answer to the more-famous Coneheads. The Pillowheads (Charles as Puffy, Alan as Fluffy) are a cosmic pair of wackos, whose heads resemble pillows. Fluffy and Puffy encounter the strange ways of Earthlings in such "classic" bits as "Fluffy at the Pet Store" and "The Pillowheads Take the D-Train." Many critics panned this double-album, especially the first and last tracks, each consisting of ten minutes of Fluffy and Puffy babbling incoherently. The public, however, had a different opinion: they hated it. The difference between panning and hating is small, to be sure, but it is different. Unfortunately, this album is now out of print.

 

Keeping It Reel

Label: No Cows Records

Catalog No. TMC-001
Produced by Jeremy Rankin
Recorded: Christmas 1993

T. Michael Childs had one great idea: a Christmas comedy album. This is that album. He also had three terrible ideas. First, the title, Keepin' It Reel, did not convey the Christmas theme properly. Second, the album was released on Christmas Day, a day when no one wants to buy Christmas albums. Three, the material on the album deals neither with Christmas nor comedy, but rather is a psychotic rant about pancake batter. The only thing even remotely close to Christmas comedy is the track "Christmas Slug Bathhouses." This track starts with Childs screaming, "Christmas slug bathhouses!", then continued with his pancake batter diatribe. Sadly, T. Mike failed to keep it reel, or real. This album is no longer in print.

 

Oswald (Live)

Label: Twelve Angry Cats Platters
Catalog No. J758OCW2220
Produced by Leftover
Recorded: July 1997

In the autobiography Galen: A Hernia Among Us, Galen Black listed this album as "his first California mistake."1 This live comedy album, taped live at the Hollywood Bowl, is truly a live album. "Live" was mentioned three times in the last sentence to emphasize that this is a live album. Other ways to identify this as a live album: the part in track 1 where Galen mumbles to no one in particular, "Can we start this over?"; the man in track 4 who screams, "You suck. Yeah, you, Galen Black, you suck!"; track 8, which is the murmurs of the crowd during the intermission; and track 9, when the stagehand comes on-stage and tells the crowd that Galen has gone home. Live live live live live. Live. Live live. This album is no longer in circulation.

 

Who Be Dat Man?

Label: Aw Eesh! Records
Catalog No. 12CR0001
Produced by Steven “Steve” Huh
Recorded: January 1991

Charles Rempel's first album, Who Be Dat Man?, was his homage to Cajun comedy. He knew nothing of Cajun comedy, though, or Louisiana for that matter. He thought All the King's Men was about the makers of King Kong. His accent was obnoxious at best and unintelligible at worst. Surprisingly, though, it was the only Rempel-related album to sell a million copies. Rempel still receives a couple of albums a week as blackmail threats, threats that he dutifully acknowledges and pays... in full. The album, thankfully, is no longer in circulation.

 

Things I Stole From George Carlin

Label: Excusemaster Records
Catalog No. 01
Produced by Rob Terrell
Recorded: March 1994

This album, the winner of eight platinum records, is the highest-seller of all the VGG albums, since everyone thought they were buying a George Carlin album. It also was the most litigious, as Rob Terrell was sued and later lost to George Carlin over copyright infringements. Rob's lawyers argued that the material was so mangled and unfunny, that the general public would not be able to understand the jokes, let alone that they were ripped off from Mr. Carlin. This album enjoyed a second wave of popularity when it was discovered in 1998 that columnist for the Boston Globe also stole from Carlin. Highlights include "The Seven Things You Can't Say When Plagiarizing George Carlin", and the famous line, "Hello, I'm George Carlin." Currently, this album is not in print.


Things I Stole From Kevin Pollak

Label: Excusemaster Records
Catalog No. 02
Produced by Rob Terrell
Recorded: December 1994

"Pollak" is Rob's less-successful follow-up to "Things I Stole From George Carlin." Highlights include Rob's attempts to impersonate Pollak impersonating Inspector Columbo and Captain Kirk, as well as some lines from "The Usual Suspects." Recorded live at the Firg Auditorium in Boulder, Colorado, this album is unique due to its mixing; if the listener plays the second side of the album (or tracks 8-12 on the CD) and turns the stereo balance all the way to the left, he or she can actually hear the audience filing out of the auditorium in disgust.

 

Jason Torchinsky

Label: Soul Biscuit Records
Catalog No. 7D
Produced by Frank Soobner
Recorded: March 1994

The eponymously-titled first album by Jason Torchinsky was a saccharin-sweet journey through his inner psyche. An inner psyche filled with horror and disgust and pain and maladies that man was not meant to know. One track in particular, "Monsignor Happy's Daily Bouts with Depression", received moderate air-time on the Doctor Demento Radio Network. Jason learned through this album's poor sales the hard cold fact of emotions: when they see the light of day, you're ruined. Finished. If at all possible, supress all emotions. The album's highlight: the unlisted track at the end of the CD, which is a cover of "Stand By Your Man" by Lyle Lovett.

 

Westsinister Abbey

Label: Twelve Angry Cats Platters
Catalog No. W291OCLDB64H
Produced by Wendell Black & Cholly
Recorded: July 1993

This album, probably Galen Black's finest work, failed to sell even a single copy. The reason was simple: the warning label. People just don't buy comedy albums with profanity. The sentence that took the censors over the top: on Track 11, entitled "Off the Scruff", Galen says, "I told my brother he was full of cr*p." A comedy masterpiece, sullied by Galen's penchant for potty-mouth. There are no available copies of this album.

 

Polizist und DummKopf (Cop and a Nut)

Label: Der Oskarmeyerveener Records
Catalog No. 7483-TY-738
Produced by [unknown]
Recorded: April 1997

This German bootleg import was found by Jason behind a Conoco station in Louisville, Kentucky. Why was he behind the Conoco? Well, it's a long story, but he was in this chat room and the guy... well, this is not important right now. What's important is that he found it. This album is a collection of skits performed by the Van Gogh-Goghs between 1993 and 1996. The sketches, then, were completely dubbed in German. Which, I guess you could say, is just some Germans ripping off our skits, but they did get a picture of Jason and Charles for their album cover, and Jason and Charles did get credit, and the Germans act was better than ours, so in the end we think it's okay. We're not sure if this album is still in stock, here or abroad.


 

 

Bring Our Sexbots Home!

Monday, May 26th, 2008

An IM with Jason Torchinsky 5/14/08 11:02 PM. (Edited for clarity and typos.)

I had a dream last night about robots.

finally! tell me more

There was a war, and every man was required to give up two of the female robots he keeps around for sex and send them off to fight the war. 

not my sexbots!

I had about six or seven. They were standing in a group outside when I told them the news. I picked the older models with the more mechanical parts to off and fight the war. However, you refused to let them take yours.

I find it amazing that sex bots are equally suited to war.

You wanted to go fight yourself, so you could leave your sex robots at home.

wow. I have my priorities in line. were the sex bots really mechanical-looking, or like real dolls?

The older ones looked mechanical, and the newer ones were basically biological. I told you to send the old sexbot you made yourself, which you made by building a wheeled assembly around a Fleshlight. But you said that was your favorite.

well, I did make it myself

Anyway, clearly I’ve got issues, but I think highly of your altruism.

I appreciate that. that’s a hell of a dream. would make a great movie. so this war is fought entirely with sexbots?

If men had to send their sex-bots to war, there would be less war.

that’s probably true. why couldn’t the lawnmowing ones do it?

The dream was very vague on the war, but it was female sex robots who were being lined up to go. Apparently those were the only kind of robots we had.

I’m also curious about the “older models” you sent. I’m imagining they were more like the one from metropolis. c3P0 with tits.

Yeah, they were vaguely like that, only hotter. If that’s possible.

I just hope we win and can bring our sexbots home

What if we lose? to another sex-bot army?

do they get our sexbots? 

Or will those sex-bots take over and make us… do things?


Nothing Happens to Comedy Group for 5 Years

Wednesday, May 10th, 2006

news
Van Gogh-Gogh News Archive

Nothing Happens to Comedy Group for 5 Years

Van Gogh-Goghs Unable to Explain Lack of News

LOS ANGELES, May 10, 2005 (VGG Bicoastal Press) – Van Gogh-Goghs and Van Gogh-Goghs watchers alike were stunned to learn that nothing newsworthy has happened to the Los Angeles-based sketch comedy group in five years. A quick check of the publicly accessible Van Gogh-Gogh News Archive (http://www.vgg.com/news) clearly shows that the last news item is dated May 10, 2001.

The Van Gogh-Goghs instituted their news program in January of 1998 to reveal shocking evidence they had uncovered in the Monica Lewinsky scandal, which was later revealed to be poorly faked. From 1998 thru 2000, the group averaged 12.33 news items a year. Then, in 2001, all Van Gogh-Gogh news suddenly stopped dead after only the fourth release of that year (see graph, inset).

oldnewsnewnews.PNG

When asked about the strange gap, members of the group expressed shock and confusion. “What?” asked member Galen Black when informed, “Who? Where? When? Why? How? How much? And to what degree?” Black was then led to the nurses’ station and given a juice box.

Group newsologist T. Mike Childs tried to explain the news drought as a shift in the group’s standards. “Standards of newsworthiness change with time. What was newsworthy five years ago may today be of little or no interest today. I think this is true with the VGG news. Five years ago, all of our antics were newsworthy. Now? Who cares? Nobody. Not even me.” Childs then broke into tears and had to be escorted to the nurses’ station.

Biblical scholar and former Van Gogh-Gogh expert Dr. Arthur J. Corrino agreed with Childs’ assessment. “I told you to stop calling me!” said Corrino. “Don’t make me get caller ID!”

Group member Rob Terrell shockingly suggested fraud when informed of the gap. “You want new news? Just re-date the old news so it’s new again.” Terrell was then escorted to the nurses’ station and given an expired juice box that had been re-dated. After initially cringing, he maintained that “it tastes just as good.” He then proceeded to vomit.

Jason Torchinsky initially denied the obvious stating, “What? Don’t be silly. We have plenty of news. News all the time. Lotsa news. All your news is belong to us! Ha! Get it?!” When confronted with the facts (and the datedness of his “all your base are belong to us” reference), Torchinksy became visibly agitated. “Uh. Hunh. Who knew? Knews- Who news?! Ha! Get it?! And… Er… no news is good news! Ooo, ‘Lost’ is on, gotta go!” Torchinsky was then escorted to the nurses’ station and given a juice box personally spiked by Michelle Rodriguez.

Reached at his fortress of isolation high upon the ivory tower, group member Alan Benson was also at a loss. “Oh gee, I have absolutely no idea. Gosh, I don’t know how this atrocity occurred. Maybe if me, Charles, and Rob hadn’t all moved back to North Carolina, we’d be able to get together with T. Mike, Galen, and Jason in Los Angeles and investigate. Try asking the secretary at Jason and Rob’s five-year-old Internet company. Maybe you could ask Rob’s new wife and three baby daughters–or maybe Charles’ twin baby boys know the answer, or maybe T. Mike mentioned it in his book he wrote. It may even be that the answer lies hidden in Galen’s new addition to his house. Now if you’ll excuse me, my I have to head off to grad school before having dinner with my new girlfriend. Dipshit.”

VGG watcher Selena Berrier called the group to task on the omissions. “This is a conspiracy of silence, pure and simple. No news means no criticism. From me. For their crappy news stories. They couldn’t handle the truth so they just covered it up by not updating even once in five years–not just their news, but their ENTIRE site. Shame!” At this point, the nurses’ station was full, so Berrier was escorted to a nearby Quizno’s and given a small paper cup filled with vinegar.

Prospects for future updates continue looking dim, but there is some hope. Quite a bit of spirited discussion took place in the nurses station.

“I like juice,” said Black.

“Juice doesn’t judge you,” agreed Childs.

“Neither does The Juice!” Torchinsky added. “You know, ‘The Juice.’ O.J. Simpson. He’s still topical, right?”

Hey, I’m finally in McSweeney’s!

Wednesday, May 10th, 2006

So even though they ignored this about five years ago, the good people at McSweeney’s finally relented, and I’m in! Via kind of a backdoor, as it was a contest, but screw it, I won.