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Get Your Grinch On: How to Ruin Christmas

Hey, we love Christmas. It's a time of happiness, of joy, of love. We here at vgg.com really don't want to ruin Christmas. It's you. Yes, you, the mean spiteful web surfer. We're reading our Inbox list and checking it twice, and it's jam-packed with your ways to ruin Christmas. So, first let us say that the Van Gogh-Goghs do not condone or endorse in any way the ruining of Christmas, and second let us say you people are some sick puppies. Enjoy. --VGG

* Replace your "Hello, how are you?" greeting with "Damn, I hate your Christmas."

* Write your Christmas cards on torn-out pieces of notebook paper with "Ho ho ho, Merry Fucking Whatever" written in crayon.

* Inside of your Christmas cards, write a newsletter outing all your closeted gay friends, and while you're at it, most anybody you feel like outing.

* Say "Sure, he's cute in the manger, but wait 'til you see him on the cross."

* Add self-created manure to all those sterile-looking manger sets.

* At a party, get a glass of your friend's egg nog, sip it, then spit it back in the bowl, saying, "That's right, your egg nog sucks."

* For the office Christmas party, label the gifts not by their recipient's name but by bad descriptions, like "To that bitch with the wicked camel toe."

* Go caroling in the neighborhood. Sing your neighborhood's most embarrassing gossip in the tune of popular Christmas songs.

* Arson Spree.

* Start a dog food company and nationally advertise your brand is made strictly with Santa's finest reindeer.

And for those who are not just hobbyists, for those for whom REALLY ruining Christmas means something, follow this guaranteed-to-ruin formula:

1. By the morning of Dec 24, make or find an obese vagrant's corpse. For traditionally-represented Santas, Caucasian, white-haired vagrants are recommended, but any will work in a pinch.

2. Secure some sort of sleigh or sled, and acquire as many deer carcasses as possible. (Rapid, careless highway driving in many areas of the country can help with this.)

3. Around 3 AM of Christmas Day, burglarize all of your neighbors' presents from beneath their respective Christmas trees. Fill the sleigh full of all these seized gifts. The more packed the sleigh with gifts the better!

4. Between 5-6 AM Christmas Day, do the following:

a. Dress the vagrant corpse in a full Santa outfit.
b. Hitch, as best as possible, the deer carcasses to the front of the sleigh.
c. Place the Santa/vagrant corpse in the sleigh with the purloined gifts.
d. Using standard auto tow cables, hook the entire sleigh rig to your car. A tow hitch and a vehicle with good towing capacity is recommended. Around the point where the cables meet the tow hitch, pack as many M-80s as you can in direct contact with the cable. Use 15-30 second fuses.
e. Position your car and sleigh rig on a good stretch of straight, open, road in your neighborhood. Let the engine warm up and idle. f. Douse the entire sleigh/Santa rig in gasoline. Ignite. Then, ignite the fuse on the M-80s.
g. Quickly, enter your vehicle and stop on the accelerator. You should have between 15-30 seconds before the M-80s blow, severing the tow cable to the sleigh. This should give you enough time to reach at least 60mph.
h. Just before the cable blows, try to point your vehicle towards the driveway with the most expensive cars.
i. When the cable blows, stomp the accelerator to get the hell out of the way of the flaming mass of carcasses, vagrant, and gifts that is now barreling out of control at a mile a minute.
j. Continue driving and park on the next block. Walk back to the scene of the 'accident' where there now should be a huge crowd, drawn by the incredible sound of nearly a flaming ton of meat, man, wood and gifts plowed into a 2002 Lincoln Navigator at high speed. Gape along with everyone else at the incredible spectacle of Santa's downfall. Tell children that this should be a lesson to them to never drive drunk.

Christmas ruined.

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