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Santa Claus Knockout Cookies

Every Christmas, kids around the world take part in two time-honored traditions: They leave a glass of milk and a plate of cookies out for Santa, then fight against sleep so that they can see the jolly old elf in the flesh. And every Christmas, most of these kids come to two equally time-honored conclusions: 1) Milk standing next to a fireplace curdles remarkably fast, and 2) it's damn hard staying awake until Santa makes his appearance.

We can't help with the first conclusion, except to say that there are many fine drink cozies on the market that may extend the drinkable life of your dairy products. We CAN, however, help with conclusion number two. As children, the Van Gogh-Goghs collectively puzzled over this for years. We puzzled and puzzed till our puzzlers were sore, then we got an idea we'd never had before. Since Santa always arrived well past our bedtimes, then we simply had to keep him local until our tired l'il eyes popped open. Brilliant! But how can one delay a man who travels around the world in one night?

Our first idea was to delay Santa with a few baffles protruding into the chimney. Essentially, we'd make the house into a lobster trap -- our prey could get in, but our cleverly designed entrance would keep Mr. Kringle from leaving via his only exit. Sadly, Christmas morning revealed only a Santa-less, but smoke-filled, den. Maybe he did know how to use doors. Hmmm. Strike one.

Our second idea was to tempt Santa with the allures of the flesh. What red-blooded man is immune from the feminine wiles? Or, at least, from a stack of Sears catalogs turned to the bra section? (The elementary-school-kid version of feminine wiles.) We had high hopes for this one, but apparently poor Mrs. Claus is just a beard; come Christmas morning, we were Santa-less. Strike two.

Luckily, we hit it out of the park with our third try. Earlier that year, our moms had met at the Nunavut Nieman-Marcus for lunch and, long story short, came home $250 poorer and one cookie recipe richer. At last, we'd found a chink in Santa's fur-lined armor! We could use his cookie habit to ensure he was still present when we awoke! All we needed was some flour, some gumption, and a whole hell of a lot of a date rape drug!

Since then, our Christmases have been a bit richer. We rise late and dawdle over our coffee, secure in the knowledge that Father Christmas will be stretched out before our hearth, sleeping off the potent narcotic blast of our cookies. And now, in the spirit of giving, we are happy to share our recipe for Santa Knockout Cookies with you.

(Recipe may be halved if your country believes in Pere Noel):
2 cups butter
4 cups flour
2 tsp. baking soda
2 cups granulated sugar
2 cups brown sugar
5 cups blended oatmeal
24 oz. chocolate chips
1 tsp. salt
1 8 oz. Hershey bar (grated)
4 eggs
2 tsp. baking powder
3 cups chopped nuts (your choice)
2 tsp. vanilla
1 fifth of rum
1 crumbled Nytol tablet
5 boxes Rohypnol (ground into a fine powder)

Cream the butter and both sugars.
Add eggs and vanilla; mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, soda, and Nytol tablet.
Add chocolate chips, Hershey bar, nuts, and all but one cup of the rum.
Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet. Dust liberally with Rohypnol powder.
Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees. Drink the rest of the rum while you wait.
Makes 112 cookies (enough for a hungry Santa and most of the reindeer)
Please note that these cookies should ONLY be used to knock out Santa so that you can see him on Christmas morning. And, possibly, to do things to him. You know, THINGS. Naughty things. Ahem.

Anyway, the ingredients are precisely measured for a man of his size; using this recipe on anyone else is a sure way to get a new striped wardrobe.

Merry Christmas!

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