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Bad Halloween Costumes

by Charles Rempel

At this time of year, people usually ask me for advice on Halloween costumes, and every year I give them the same answer: "Get off my porch unless you're willing to share those cupcakes!"

I'm sure you see my point. Guys like me (and when I say "guys like me," I mean "socially inept" or "Paxil-addled dorkwads") just don't have the kind of luck that others have at making quality costumes, let alone having a fun holiday. Here's a few examples of my past October 31st failures:

Age: 7
Costume: The Lone Ranger
How to Make: Have your mom buy a plastic Lone Ranger costume at the discount store.
What Happened: I ran into a pack of 10-year-olds, who tickled me until I farted.
Nickname for next six months:"The Lone Farter"

Age: 9
Costume: The Fonz
How to Make: Strip down naked. Take a bed sheet and make a big diaper. Clip Mork suspenders to the waist of the diaper. Wrap your left arm in toilet paper. Get a piece of tin, roll it into a tube and wear it as a hat. Glue phone books to your feet.
What Happened: I spent the whole night being asked what the hell I was, and then asked if I even knew what Fonzie looked like. Then people slammed their doors in my face without giving me candy.
Nickname for next six months: "The Retarded Boy Down the Street"

Age: 15
Costume: Donny Ghost
How to Make: Standard ghost sheet, but then added a varsity letter sweater and a red wig
What Happened: The concept was too high-brow for most. Ralph Malph from "Happy Days" plus a ghost equals Donny Ghost. Because Donny Most played Ralph, you see. Anyway, I accidentally knocked on the door of the house where a college party was happening, and I got pantsed and dumped in a ravine
Nickname for next six months: "Ghosty No Pants Ravine Faggot" (luckily, the nickname was too long to use for more than a month, so it later got shortened to "Fag")

Age: 18
Costume: Barbara Bush
How to Make: Poof up hair and spray-paint it white. Grab any dress out of your mom's closet and her strand of pearls off her dresser and put them on.
What Happened: I wasn't going to make a costume, because they're for little kids, but then a girl I liked invited me to a Halloween party and I scrambled to make the Barbara Bush costume. I got to the party and not only was that girl kissing another guy, but it wasn't even a costume party.
Nickname for next six months: "Loser" (this also later got shortened to "Fag")

Age: 19
Costume: A Man Having Sex with a Lunchbox
How to Make: Glue a lunchbox to the crotch of a pair of pants
What Happened: I was invited to the Phi Psi party at their house. Got drunk and lost two teeth trying to jump out a second-story window. Then I lost three teeth trying to jam the first two teeth back in my mouth.
Nickname for next six months: "That Guy Who Had His Dick in the Mailbox" (they confused me with my friend Josh, who dressed as a man having sex with a mailbox)

Age: 22
Costume: The Invisible Man
How to Make: Get into a closet, close the door, and yell through the door to passersby, "Hey, watch out! You almost stepped on my invisible foot."
What Happened: I "accidentally" got locked in the closet for four days.
Nickname for next six months: "Fat Ass" (nickname unrelated to Halloween)

Age: 24
Costume: The Wino
How to Make: I went to a convenience store and bought two 40-oz. malt liquors. Then I rolled around behind a dumpster
What Happened: I was at the office and completely forgot about the company Halloween party. I later got shitfaced and made out with Lorna in Accounts Payable for three hours
Nickname for next six months: "Boyfriend"

Have a Happy Halloween!


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