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THE THEO REPORT
"Self-serving crap
for a new millennium."
Vol. 3, Issue 8............09/11/00
In this issue:
*About the Theo Report's recent erratic schedule
*Vote for the movie president
*New sponsor: 1-900-HOT PREZ
*Other new stuff
*Coming to the site this month
*Win a t-shirt
*How to get away from the Theo Report
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WHOA NELLY, WHAT'S THIS I'M READING
Well, if you say "whoa nelly" on a regular basis, our guess is that it's either a) a 1972 copy of the Saturday Evening Post, b) the liner notes to "Great Sousa Marches vol. 8," or c) the back of a cereal box whose main selling point is an ungodly amount of bran. Or you could be reading this here copy of the Theo Report, the official, kinda monthly email newsletter of the Van Gogh-Goghs. Read it, enjoy it, pass it along to your pals and encourage them to sign up themselves at <http://www.vgg.com/theoreport.html>.
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THE THEO REPORT'S RECENT ERRATIC SCHEDULE
When we started this here newsletter, we were all full of vim and vigor and good intentions. We were going to get it out on schedule every month. Of course, there's an old saying about a road paved with good intentions, and we're all intimately familiar with where that road leads. It leads to Mom's Olde Fashioned Pawn Shop, where we pawned our vim and vigor and picked up a couple of Molly Hachet imports.
All of this is just to say that the Theo Report's schedule has been a bit lax these last few months. Sometimes schedules fall by the wayside during the lazy, crazy, hazy, blasé days of summer. (Oh, we should mention that if you're reading this paragraph out loud, you should affect a bored, upper-crust New England accent so that "lazy, crazy, hazy" rhyme with "blasé.") But don't worry -- summer is over and we have plenty of time to craft more inbox-clogging comedy for you! Get those "delete" buttons ready....
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VOTE FOR THE MOVIE PRESIDENT
As far as you know, the Van Gogh-Goghs love only one thing more than politics: movies! When we realized we could combine them, well, we did. We decided to hold our own election to determine America's next cinecratic president, that is, what actor should play the coveted role of president of these great United States for the next four years?! And you, oh netizen, are our great voting public!
Duhcision 2000 is your chance to vote for the actor you think would portray the best president of the United States. Right now, the primaries are heating up, and candidates from the Six of One Party, the Half Dozen of the Other Party, and the M*A*S*H Party are looking for votes. Do your patriotic duty today at <http://www.vgg.com/movieprez/index.html>!
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NEW SPONSOR: 1-900-HOT PREZ
Running a Web comedy site isn't just about sleeping in until 1 p.m., drinking generic soda, scratching yourself in sensitive places, following closely behind strangers and stepping on the backs of their shoes, and HTML. Oh no. It's also about convincing captains of industry to cough up cash for the priviledge of showing an ad to disinterested Web surfers. So that's why we're just so excited about our new sponsor: 1-900-HOT PREZ. Not only did they slip us many large, high-denomination bills (we're talking Art Linkletters!), they also provided us with a downloadable video ad you can watch on your computeratronoscope. Check it out at <http://www.vgg.com/vggtv/>.
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NEW STUFF HIGHLIGHTS
Just look at what August and early September brought you:
* Damn, There's A Lot of Fake Bands
One hundred years from now, when our descendents look back upon our civilization, they will undoubtedly marvel at such technological breakthroughs as Yoplait Gogurt ("the yogurt you can squeeze and slurp, grab and glurp"), the robotic Britney Spears TRW is working on, and The Rocklopedia Fakebandica, the definitive list of every fake band featured in TV and movies. Start your marveling early at <http://www.vgg.com/tp/tp_080700_fakeband.html>.
* Galen Black Is STILL On The Road
One month later and Galen's still traveling cross-country in his reliable ole 1993 Saturn SL2 -- the same car the settlers used when they headed west to found such great Wyoming cities as Prague and Baltimore. Join Galen and his brother Wendell as they blaze a trail across this great nation, fighting cold weather, dodging packs of injuns, slipping past marauding bands of highway police, and leaping from the jaws of tourist traps. <http://www.vgg.com/otr/>
* VGGs Are Obsessed With Genitals!
Want proof? Well, in just the past month, we've featured a tale about a true gentleman urinating on a dumpster after a drinking party at the Playboy mansion <http://www.vgg.com/tr/tr_082900_jwalker.html>, a study of the effects of placing ones penis down different trouser legs <http://www.vgg.com/tp/tp_091100_DressLeft.html>, and a recipe for a new drink featuring a cocktail weenie <http://www.vgg.com/et/et_090600_oscar.html>. OK, that last one isn't really about genitals, but Freud would have given it to us.
* We Kick a Flick When It's Down
Man, if we'd known that "Autumn in New York" was going to flop so hard, we probably wouldn't have bothered trying to mock it. But we didn't and we did. Ah well. Still, get an eyeful of what should be this fall's most romantic zombie movie at <http://www.vgg.com/tp/tp_073100_gossip.html>.
* The Xtreme?
LA just got a new football team, the Xtreme. And if you're like us, you're probably saying to yourself "hey, what's that in my belly button?" Or you may be saying "man, what a lame name." We agree, and offer forth many much better names at <http://www.vgg.com/tp/tp_083000_lafootball.html>.
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COMING TO THE SITE THIS MONTH
Did we really promise in the last Theo Report that we were going to offer e-cards you can e-send to your e-friends in August? Cause we didn't. But we will this month! Plus, we'll be introducing our very own VGG-brand MP3 Playa, new Flash cartoons, our guide to the U.S. highways, and other crap we can't remember right now. But it'll be good. Probably. Don't hold us to it, though.
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WIN-A-SHIRT CONTEST
One thing you can say about Leif S. of Minneapolis -- he knows his dead, rotting carcasses. He correctly answered last issue's question by telling us that Galen palled around with a dead, rotting bear on his trip across the U.S. Yay Leif! Your shirt's in the mail! The rest of you can be just like Leif by correctly answering this issue's puzzler:
Match the actor to the party:
1. The Six of One Party
2. The Half Dozen of the Other Party
3. The M*A*S*H Party
A. James Garner
B. John Ritter
C. Jamie Farr
(Hint: Check out Duhcision 2000. Damn, that's a nice hint.)
Email the answer, your name, and mailing address to <thevggs@vgg.com>. The first one to get it gets an XL VGG shirt. The last one to get it gets our condolences.
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DAT'S DAT
Well, we're done. Wanna talk some more? Send an email to thevggs@vgg.com.
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