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THE THEO REPORT
"Self-serving crap
for a new millennium."
-----------------------------------
Vol. 3, Issue 3............04/20/00
In this issue:
*Van Gogh-Goghs at the Ha Ha Fest
*Help us scam a Webby
*New and notable on the site
*Coming soon
*Win a t-shirt
*How to be free of the Theo Report
===
IS THIS SOME KIND OF MULTI-LEVEL MARKETING SCAM?
Not exactly. It's the Theo Report, the official,
kinda monthly email newsletter of the Van
Gogh-Goghs. Read it, enjoy it, pass it along to
your pals and encourage them to sign up themselves
at <http://www.vgg.com/bookindex.html>. And, if
you dissolve it in a gallon of water, you can
clean an entire house for just pennies a day! So
how many can I put you down for?
===
VAN GOGH-GOGHS AT THE HA HA FEST
For such a big city, L.A. sure doesn't have very
much in the way of comedy festivals. You wanna
know why? It's because North Hollywood, that
thriving metropolis north of the mountains,
dominates the comedy festival scene in southern
California. Dominates! Barstow doesn't have a
chance. And Arcadia?! Ha! Dream on!
The reason we bring this up is that the Van
Gogh-Goghs are going to be in North Hollywood at a
comedy festival next week, April 27, 28, and 29.
And we want YOU to come see it. That's right, YOU.
You right there. Reading this. We want YOU to
come see us.
In return, you'll get 25 minutes of our best
stuff, performances by standups from around the
world, and some musical/variety comedy to boot.
Plus, every third person who comes up to one of us
and says the magic word ("tubal cain") gets a free
backrub from our own Jason Torchinsky.* Pretty
keen, huh?
For the scoop, check out
<http://www.vgg.com/showsindex.html>. But here's
the basics:
* THURSDAY, APRIL 27
PLACE: Raven Playhouse
5233 Lankershim Blvd., North Hollywood
TIME: between 9:30-11:30 p.m.
PRICE:
PARKING: on-street
CALL: 818-754-2663 for ticket info
TICKETS: are available online at
<https://www.h2f.net/ticketsh2f.htm>
* FRIDAY, APRIL 28
PLACE: Sacred Rose Theatre
5233 Lankershim Blvd., North Hollywood
(same complex as the Raven)
TIME: between 7-9 p.m.
PRICE:
PARKING: on-street
CALL: 818-754-2663 for ticket info
TICKETS: are available online at
<https://www.h2f.net/ticketsh2f.htm>
* SATURDAY, APRIL 29
PLACE: Ha Ha Cafe
5010 Lankershim Blvd., North Hollywood
TIME: between 7-9 p.m.
PRICE:
PARKING: there's a lot out back
CALL: 818-754-2663 for ticket info
TICKETS: are available online at
<https://www.h2f.net/ticketsh2f.htm>
You can get directions to the show at
<http://www.vgg.com/directions.html>.
*backrubs will not be given
===
HELP US SCAM...UH, WIN...A WEBBY
Sometime when you have a couple of hours to waste,
remind us to tell you our theory about how the Web
is really just an out-of-control attempt by geeks
who want to relive high school as the masters of
teen society. Instead of athletic prowess, neo
jocks brag about pageviews; instead of comparing
the number of yearbook signatures, Webbers compare
the number of times their sites are mentioned by
"the old media."
(Hmm. Now that we look at it, that's basically all
there is to the theory. Oh sure, we have some keen
PowerPoint slides that illustrate it, and there
are some handouts, but they mainly just pad out
the presentation time. Look keep this to yourself,
willya -- we're living off the proceeds of our
"Convergence of Interactive International Media
and Societal Memes of Secondary Education" lecture
series. Thanks.)
Anyhoo, every high school has a pointless awards
day when the best shop and home-ec students get a
little somethin' for their excellence. On the Web,
these pointless -- yet nice to receive -- awards
are the Webbies. And we want one. Bad.
Unfortunately, we didn't exactly get nominated
this year, so it's up to you to voice the choice,
rock the vote, put an inflection in the election,
and help us win a Webby. Head on over to the Webby
page
<http://www.webbyawards.com/peoplesvoice/registration.html>,
register (with a valid email address), and write
us in under the "humor" category. And hey, while
you're at it, write in Furniture Porn for the
"weird" category. Thanks so much. When we're
gallivanting around town holding our meaningless
award, we'll think of you.
===
NEW AND NOTABLE STUFF ON THE SITE
* Yet More VGG News: The Van Gogh-Gogh news
machine just keeps crankin' out new news for you,
uh, youse. Catch up on the latest and greatest
parody news at <http://www.vgg.com/newsmain.html>.
* Expanded Kremlin Fried Chicken: Our faithful
sponsors over at Kremlin Fried Chicken have been
hard at work on their site. Check out their new,
enhanced menu at
<http://www.vgg.com/kfc/index.html>.
* 20 Facts About Los Angeles (unverified): Now
that the Van Gogh-Goghs are 5/6th unemployed,
we've had a lot more time to spend at the library.
Which makes it harder than ever to believe that
not one of us got off our lazy asses to actually
verify the information we reported in our 20
Amazing True Facts About Los Angeles (unverified)
<http://www.vgg.com/lafacts.html>. Oh well.
* What to Name Your Comedy Group: When you're
named "The Van Gogh-Goghs," people know that you
stand for one thing: Quality names. And that's why
a surprising number of other comedy groups have
turned to us for names. (OK, only one group has
actually turned to us, but it kind of surprised us
that people who wanted to start a comedy group
couldn't come up with their own name. I mean, we
chose a name that makes people all over the world
tell us "Van Gogh didn't pronounce his name like
'van go,' it was more like 'van khohkh,' so your
name is stupid.") So, to help out the world, we've
provided an exhaustive list of VGG-approved comedy
names at <http://www.vgg.com/comedynames.html>.
* Plexicon takeover: Boy, those nuts at Plexicon
sure had us fooled. See, they told us they were
taking us over and starting a "Web comedy portal,"
so we went out and changed the site and bought
boats and got botox injections and started calling
everyone "babe." Then they told us it was all an
April Fools joke. Ouch. You got us. Good. Sigh.
Anyway, you can read the whole sorry story at:
<http://www.vgg.com/narchive/news_plexicon.html>.
===
COMING SOON
Man oh man, is there some new stuff coming.
Mmm-hmmm. But we're not going to show it to you
just yet. Why? 'Cause we're nothing but big
teases. Big teases who like to play with your
emotions, get you all hot and bothered, and then
point you towards a cold shower. Yep, that's us
alright.
OK, we'll give you some hints. But only 'cause we
like you. We're midway through a total site
redesign, which should hopefully be ready in a
month or so, we're gonna be releasing our own MP3
player for all your digital music playing
pleasure, you'll soon be able to watch the SexTV
documentary about Furniture Porn on your computer,
and new Van Gogh-Gogh t-shirts are in the works.
Check out <http://www.vgg.com/> for the 411.
(Did you catch that? 411? That's right, we said
"411." Oh, we are so hip.)
===
WIN-A-SHIRT CONTEST
Everyone give a big ole Theo Report "hurrah" to
the lovely and talented Rachel M. of Tampa,
Florida. She correctly guessed that there are 19
haikus on the Van Gogh-Gogh haiku page. At least,
we assume she guessed. Rachel, tell us the truth,
you didn't do anything as craven as actually going
to the page and counting them? Oh God, we feel so
dirty. You've got a lot of serious thinking to do,
missy.
Well, with that unpleasantness behind us, let's
head over to The Food on the Grill
<http://www.vgg.com/>. The question for this month
is:
What does Rubber Sole come with?
Email the answer, your name, and mailing address
to <thevggs@vgg.com>. If you're right, you'll get
an XL shirt. Neat, huh?
===
SEE YOU IN NORTH HOLLYWOOD
That's all for us. Come see us in North Hollywood
next week. Oh, and you can email us at
thevggs@vgg.com if you want to. But only if you
want to.
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