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The Obituary of Charles Rempel
A Play in Four-Third Acts
Scene One-Third: Alan Benson's deathbed. Alan lay in bed, gasping for his last breath. Seated around him are his son, Microsoft Word (Mike) Benson, and his nurse, the Divine Ms. M herself, Bette Midler. Alan's grandchildren, Natalie and Microsoft Word Jr., run around the room and out the door.
ALAN
(gasping last breath)
Rempel lives on!
Alan's gentle heart finally gives. He is dead. Mike sobs, and Bette strokes the departed Alan's hand.
BETTE
(praying)
Dear Lord, please take our beloved Alan up into your heavenly bounty. And if we don't already have any chocolate chip ice cream in the fridge, can you make some magically appear? Thanking you in advance, Amen.
MIKE
What do you think Poppa's last words meant?
BETTE
Alan always wanted to outlive his friend Charles Rempel. I think they had a $5 bet on it.
MIKE
If that Rempel character thinks he's going to challenge Poppa's will over five bucks, he's got another thing coming.
BETTE
That's the spirit. Now, let's go have some ice cream.
They open the fridge next to the bed. It's filled with half-eaten hoagie subs, but no ice cream.
MIKE
Why has God forsaken us?
Scene Two-Third: Charles Rempel's deathbed, two hours later. Charles lays in bed, as crotchety as ever. Seated around him are his daughter, Nokia Sugar Bowl (Sugar) Rempel-Merrick, and his nurse, the old starlet Winona Ryder. Charles' grandchildren, Beany and Microsoft Cecil, run around the room and out the door.
WINONA
(talking on phone)
Uh huh.... Uh huh... I see... That's too bad... Yes, we'll be there.... Goodbye.
(hanging up phone)
That was Bette Midler. She said that Alan Benson has passed away.
CHARLES
Woo-hoo!
(waving withered fist at the sky)
I got ya, you old bastard. You owe me five bucks!
SUGAR
Dad, there's no money in heaven.
CHARLES
(clutching chest)
Ungh... roseb-
(vicious spasm)
Rosebu-
Charles suffers a massive coronary, and dies. Rose and Winona shed a single tear, collectively.
WINONA
He was a brave man.
SUGAR
Yeah.
WINONA
Is there any ice cream downstairs?
SUGAR
Only mocha.
WINONA
Damn.
(pause)
I guess it's true then. Charles has gone to a better place.
Scene Three-Third: The Obituary Newsroom at the Hawksville Package-Stuffer
SCOOP
Chief, I just finished the Charles Rempel obituary.
CHIEF
Read it, Scoop.
SCOOP
Charles Rempel died of a massive coronary upon learning that his friend died and would have no money in heaven. He was 89. Rempel, that is, not his friend, Alan Benson, who was also 89, so I guess that last sentence would be true no matter how you read it.
Rempel started his show business career as a founding member of the Van Gogh-Goghs, a little-known sketch comedy group from Chapel Hill, South Carolina.
It was after the ill-fated Folsom Prison sketch show, where two other VGGers got mauled by Cell Block D, that the group went their separate ways.
It was here that Rempel made his mark on history, playing the wacky neighbor of a space station in the NBC sitcom "Orbital White People with No Means of Support Yet Have Lots of Money to Spend on Living in a Spaceship."
The show lasted 2 seasons. He was survived by his daughter Nokia Sugar Bowl Rempel and two grandchildren.
Whaddaya think?
WRITER #1
I think Chapel Hill is in North Carolina.
SCOOP
(scribbling furiously)
Oh. Thanks.
WRITER #2
Is that all you could find out about his life?
SCOOP
There was more, but I had to finish up fast, because some of the guys were going to Hooters for lunch today.
CHIEF
Print it.
Scene Four-Third: Heaven. Charles and Alan sit on a cloud.
ALAN
(reading the paper)
That's got to be the worst obit I've ever read.
CHARLES
Where'd you get that paper?
ALAN
At the newsstand.
CHARLES
I thought you didn't have any money.
ALAN
Uh... I'm running a tab?
CHARLES
(hitting Alan with his halo)
Give me my damn five clams!
Alan fumbles through his seamless gown and finds five crumpled one-dollar bills. He throws them at Charles.
ALAN
There you go. You're a rich man, Mookie! A rich man!
Charles picks up the money, and they sit down again on the cloud.
CHARLES
Hand me the comics. I want to read Ziggy.
ALAN
Ziggy's not in the paper here.
CHARLES
Crap. I was in a better place down there. At least I had mocha ice cream.
THE END
 Up to The Obits Page.
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