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Prove Us Wrong Number 24
Strap on your bicycle helmets prove us wrongers, cause we're in for a bumpy ride! Make sure the safety bar is in the down and locked position, keep your hands inside the vehicle at all times and secure all valuables and personal effects. The Van Gogh-Goghs assume no responsibility for any missing items, bruised egos, unwanted insults, or loss of dignity. Hold tight, here we go!
RESOLVED:
Wearing a bicycle helmet makes anyone wearing it look dorkier.
Date: Friday, July 6, 2001 11:03 PM
From: GraphicAddiction@(deleted)
Subj: Helmet? She was wearing a helmet?!
For everyone's sake I'll keep this brief.
Mental picture no.1: Angelina Jolie wearing nothing but a bicycle helmet.(if this choice is unsatisfactory(?!), you may imagine your own personal favorite bimbette starlet.)
Hmmmmm.............sorry, I failed to notice the helmet.
You can leave your hat on.
GA
To Rebut:
Firstly, we must ask ourselves, is it possible for bimbette starlets to EVER look dorky? While bimbos look terrif in anything, including burlap sacks (especially in the trunk of my car), surely they must look a tiny, but measurable amount dorkier in such garb. Using the standard measurement of beauty, the millihelen (the amount of beauty required to launch only one ship), I can't help but think that a shucked-down behelmeted Miz Jolie would launch at least one less rubber dinghy (100 nanohelens) than without the helmet.
Besides, if bicycle helmets are so great, then why aren't more bike helmets crudely photoshopped onto crudely photoshopped faked naked celebrity pix? And how come "faked" and "naked" don't rhyme? Cause it sure looks like they should.
Date: Friday, July 6, 2001 11:52 PM
From: rob@vgg(deleted)
Subj: FW: Helmet? She was wearing a helmet?!
Proved wrong in the first try.
T. Mike, this is what happens when you stray from the group-approved
content.
Rob
To Rebut:
Et tu, Rob? What happened to comedy group solidarity?! Man, sold down the river by my own fellow Van Gogh-Gogh! You utter, utter bastard. Fine, just fine- see if I ever spoon with you again. And don't even try the "group-approved" thing on me, it was at least 1/6th group approved, since I'm one of six members and I approved it.
Date: Saturday, July 7, 2001 5:01 AM
From: alan@vgg(deleted)
Subj: Re: FW: Helmet? She was wearing a helmet?!
I dunno, he didn't really even address the issue. Angelina Jolie,
totally naked, wearing nothing but a biiiiikkkkkeeee hhhheee.... sorry
guys, my hands just got suddenly very sticky. Anyway, ...nothing but a
bike helmet is hot, yes. However, that doesn't mean she's not goofy
looking. I don't think the sentence "Hey look, that hot chick who just
made me ruin a perfectly good iBook keyboard is wearing a goofy bike
helmet" is an inconceivable statement.
In other words, I like to masturbate.
Ta,
-alan
To Rebut:
Well, at least my fellow Van Gogh-Gogh Alan is on my side! He's not helping, but he's on my side.
Date: Saturday, July 7, 2001 6:48 AM
From: galen@vgg(deleted)
Subj: Re: Helmet? She was wearing a helmet?!
After spending 1+ hours this afternoon looking at the Ms. Jolie I can only
say, I think mr. Graphic Adiction should have to produce a picture of the
lovely and talented and 36 d cupped Jolie, naked and wearing a bicylce
helmet before it is declared he proved us wrong. She looked pretty dorky
the entire movie, but she wasn't naked or wearing a bicycle helmet.
Rob, thanks for giving me that great game to play while I was watching tomb
raider. After the first 5 minutes I needed something to distract me from
the movie. And yes I need see nipple barely, but noticable in at least 3
shots. You can also see the outline of a square piece of gaffer's tape on
her breasts, trying to mask the offending erect nipple.
Galen
PS I wish that last sentence was true.
PSS PROVE ME WRONG: It is impossible to sit through the entire movie "Tomb
Raider" without rolling your eyes at least once and thinking "God, I could
have rented the Indiana Jones thrillogy for the price of this ticket."
This movie would have been so much better if it had been made in the 80's
and starred Bo Derek. They missed a perfect wet tee shirt moment.
To Rebut:
Yes, I have to completely agree with my fellow VGGer, Galen. That guy should have to photoshop us up a pic of Angelina Jolie wearing nothing but a bike helmet. Not so much to prove me wrong, but just on general principle. But what does he do? Wastes our time trying to prove us wrong. Do it graphically! With the pictures! And the photoshopping! And the I think I see a nipple, I have to go lie down now!
Nice lady!
Date: Saturday, July 7, 2001 6:52 AM
From: alan@vgg(deleted)
Subj: Re: Helmet? She was wearing a helmet?!
On Friday, July 6, 2001, at 11:48 PM, Galen Black wrote:
> PSS PROVE ME WRONG: It is impossible to sit through the entire
> movie "Tomb Raider" without rolling your eyes at least once
> and thinking "God, I could have rented the Indiana Jones
> thrillogy for the price of this ticket." This movie would
> have been so much better if it had been made in the 80's
> and starred Bo Derek. They missed a perfect wet tee shirt moment.
Hey, that reminds me. I came up with a Prove Us Wrong candidate:
It is impossible to like Elvis Presley's "In the Ghetto" in a non-ironic
way.
-alan
To Rebut:
Uh, Alan, no offense, but STAY ON TOPIC. And how dare you speak ill of th' KING! Whyntcha' go listen to your little indie rock stuff.
Date: Sunday, July 8, 2001 8:25 PM
From: frampdog@(deleted)
Subj: Bicycle Helmets
To whom it concerns,
I should think that the person falling off his bike head first towards the
asphalt with a helmet would look a lot less dorkier than his/her unprotected
counterpart.
Of course, the actually falling off the bike probably would award a few dork
points.
-Bryant
To Rebut:
Yup, nothing like falling off a bicycle to rack up them dork points. Especially if the bike's not moving. Not that that has ever happened to me.
Cough.
If only my dork points could be traded in fer sumpin', like say, dance lessons. Or sex.
(sigh)
Oh right, the argument, with the wrongness proving and the thing with the bike falling off of and the hurting ow ow owie! Um, yer saying that in the case of people hurtling to the pavement, the helmeted actually look less dorky than the not helmeted. Well obviously, they ARE less dorky, cause they will escape serious injury, but do they LOOK less dorky? Big distinction. I'm going to have to say that you actually can't know how dorky they look until the accident is over. Because if they don't get up, then it's moved from the level of quibbling over dorkiness into the scary realms of life and death and dorkiness will have to wait. So we have four possible outcomes:
| |
HELMET |
NO HELMET |
| GETS UP |
Dorky |
Dorky |
| DOESN'T GET UP |
Tragedy |
Tragedy |
So, what does it all mean? it means tables look impressive, thus I am right. Except in the rare instance of a behelmeted person suffering serious injury. But I'm 3/4ths right, according to the table. The impressive, impressive table. Tables don't lie. Go back and look at the table some more, just cause it's so impressive. Okay, fine, don't. See if I care.
Date: Monday, July 9, 2001 4:08 AM
From: Bawitabaw@(deleted)
Subj: RESOLVED: Wearing a bicycle helmet makes anyone wearing it look dorkier.
Ignoring the questionably redundant wording of your resolution ("Wearing a
bicycle helmet makes anyone look dorkier" would be sufficient), there is one
major flaw with your generalization: you should never discount the hideously
misshapen heads, or at least male pattern baldness, that belongs to some
portion of the population. I've seen some guys who would look better with
anything on their heads, i.e., a jar of mayonnaise, which would at least
possibly give the impression of hair from a distance of several miles away,
and would certainly at least stop the solar glare off their shiny foreheads
from interfering with commercial aircraft radar systems. For instance, my dad
owns a green baseball cap with the word "Dude" inscribed on it in very
tasteful red script.
He looks better without it, but the hat still really sucks.
Also, you should not discount the incredible dorkyness that some already
possess. Would Drew Carey REALLY look any dorkier in a bike helmet? I think
not.
rok on.
moose salk
To Rebut:
You're absolutely right! About the wording. I think I had a brain tumor for breakfast that day. I could not get that fershlugginer resolved statement in the shape I wanted. I wrassled that thing to the ground, but then it went and put the sleeper hold on me and it was all over, I tell you what!
Hmmm? What, I have to respond to the argument as well? Sheesh. Okay, yer wrong. Drew Carey in a bike helmet would create such high dorkiness levels as to force bimbette starlets to avert their gaze lest they upchuck their pasta salad. If they haven't already in the ladies room.
As for the cranially misshapen, dude, that's just creepy. A bike helmet is still an improvement, granted. But it's the improvement of DORKY over CREEPY. As for baldies, they need all the help they can get, but they ain't gonna get it from bike helmets. You can still see their scalp shining through those slots.
Date: Monday, July 9, 2001 7:58 AM
From: rob@vgg(deleted)
Subj: FW: Bicycle Helmets
Again, I agree with our fans. Stick a spork in this one, we've been proved
wrong.
And to add to it -- today I went for a hike up in the hills and chatted
briefly with six or seven women cyclists in spandex, jog-bras, and bike
helmets. I tried hard to see it, but there really wasn't anything dorky
about a single one of them. Must be the spandex+jog-bra combination that
counteracts any dork-intensifier. I bet they could have had a pocket
protector filled with pens and a slide rule and they still would have looked
totally undorky, although a little weird with a pocket protector floating
pocket-free over a breast.
I still say we got plenty of good, unprovably-wrong assertions left.
Whatever happened to shoes on your hands? The goodness of mmmmm, ham?
Rob
p.s. Charles, I got the "Run Lisa Run" Simpsons last night, lemme know if
you still need it.
To Rebut:
Et tu some more, eh Rob? I'll stick a spork in YOU, ya lousy filthy backstabbin' Benedict Judas Arnold Quisling! You'll get yours when I quit the Prove Us Wrong biz and dump it all in yer lap.
So, you talked to the women cyclists and couldn't detect any dorkiness, hunh? Probably cuz you were hogging it all for yourself! Burn! Oooo, look at me, I'm Rob Terrell, la la la, I'm talking to attractive women in sportsbras, lah-di-dah! Way to rub my nose in it, jerk. Yeah, you're a big man, Rob Terrell, a real big man.
And just so you know folks, Rob never tapes anything for ME.
Date: Monday, July 9, 2001 11:03 AM
From: cheddarwolvy@(deleted)
Subj: Prove Us Wrong
Resolved: Wearing a bicycle helmet makes anyone
wearing it look dorkier.
The context of the helmet wearing is integral to
answering the question, gentlemen. If one is wearing
the helmet while riding a bicycle, particularly in
heavy traffic, then one would be considered smart for
attempting to prevent the cracking of one's own skull.
Survival instinct cannot be considered dorky.
However, if the helmet is being worn while mowing the
lawn, or maybe taking the short bus to school, then
we're in a whole different category.
I was babysitting for a friend once when a lady in a
bike helmet suddenly invited herself into the house
and began molesting my friend's cats. Though
"fashion-conscious" did not immediately spring to mind
to describe the event, neither would I call it
"dorky". "Psychologically scarring" might me more
appropriate, particularly for the cats.
So, depending on the context of the helmet-wearing, it
is either an intelligent, anti-skull-cracking
maneuver, or something I talk to my therapist about.
Dorkiness does not figure into either situation. In
summary, you are wrong.
To Rebut:
Survival instinct isn't dorky? Dude, go watch a movie. How many times does the dorky comic relief character hide and squirm to save his ass? How many times does the hero deliberately put himself in harm's way? I wish it were otherwise, but there you go. The coolmeisters of Hollywood have spoken. I'd love to see Ah-nuld or Van Damme strap on a bike helmet before kicking some ninja butt. But it's like condoms in porn movies- and that idea really took off, hunh? Helmets are smart as in brainy, sure. But smart as in fashionably attired, no.
As for the thing with the cats, allow me to quote from the Book Of Sitcoms, chapter 1, verse 4: Too much information! Don't wanna know! Ooooo-khay! Don't go there! Talk to the hand!
Damn, Gina!
Amen.
Date: Tuesday, July 10, 2001 4:31 AM
From: shaneh@(deleted)
Subj: bike helmets
yeah they are kinda dorky but some are okay and its better than having
your brains bashed out on the side of the road but thats me and my
opinion
shane halvorson
To Rebut:
I'm going to be magnanimous about this and agree that MOST people's opinion is a bike helmet is better than painting the pavement with one's brains. I also think it's a shocking indictment of the bicycle helmet-maker's art that the best they can do is "okay." Which leads me to this:
An open letter to the Manufacturers of Bicycle Helmets.
Dear mister bicycle helmet maker: you suck. Your products make us all look like dorks. How come we can put a dork like Harrison "Jack" Schmitt on the moon, but we can't design a bike helmet that doen't make you like a frickin' 'tard!
see you jackasses in hell,
love, the Van Gogh-Goghs.
Date: Thursday, July 26, 2001 3:22 AM
From: dominik@(deleted)
Subj: PYW
bike helmets are here for a reason, not only to protect your skull, but to
cover up dorky hair. If a guy with the dorkiest hair in the world was
riding down the street on his bike, would you rather see his hair or the
helmet. the helmet improves on the dorkiness man!
To Rebut:
Dorky hair, hunh. Have you never heard of... HAT HEAD? Hats quash coifs! Creating crushed crappy crowns! And a helmet is just a hat... on acid! No wait, I meant... on steroids! I knew it was one of those hack standup comedy terms. Besides, any hairdo so dorky that even a bike helmet is an improvement would be so aggressively dorky it would stick out from under the helmet and combine with it to look even dorkier.
Date: Thursday, July 26, 2001 10:39 PM
From: SMSMUSIC@(deleted)
Subj: helmet
A helmet is safe
I love helmets
The prevent head injuries and pregnancey
Don't be dissing the helmet
To Rebut:
Nuts, you almost had a haiku there. It's 5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables. And nor do I presume to dis the helmet. I'm just saying they make us all look like retards, at least, the kind that have to wear helmets. Not that I'm dissing retards. Our retards are the best retards in the world! Who do you think sweeps the Special Olympics EVERY YEAR? That's right- AMERICAN retards! In your face, foreign retards! Ha!
Those of you confused by how a bike helmet prevents pregnancy can try it themselves: wear a bike helmet to your next party or bar-hopping. If female, I guarentee you will not get pregnant. If male, I guarentee you the opportunity will never come up. If you are Angelina Jolie, you will have to wear it over your genitals.
Date: Friday, July 27, 2001 5:30 AM
From: LunarDrgon@(deleted)
Subj: bike helmets.
Bicycle helmets don't make people look like dorks. They make people look
like geeks. There is a difference.
Dorks are generally just plain morons. They don't know anything, they don't
want to know anything, and they don't care if you know anything, because
they're going to do what they're going to do whether it hurts them or not.
They would be the person riding the bike in the nude, drunk, and in front of
a police officer.
Geeks, however, wear bicycle helmets out of the vain attempt to look as if
they do know something you don't. They believe that by wearing a helmet,
they are displaying far more intelligence than their neighbors, simply
because of the statement "Helmet's make bicycling safer". But, because this
statement is indeed false (because a rider wearing a helmet who is hit by a
car going 60mph + and one not wearing a helmet will both die), the rider is
made a Geek by only putting on the illusion, of "Knowing it all".
This illusion disqualifies them from being Nerds, who actually do know it
all, like the wonderful people at VGG, but don't like saying it for fear of
being pummled, not like the wonderful people at VGG.
So, in conclusion, people who wear bicycle helmets are, in actuality, morons,
and the people at VGG are Gods.
Thank you for listening to my rant };p
~neisha
To Rebut:
"Gods?" Oh you! Flattery will get you breakfast in bed at my place the morning after, if you play yer cards right, baby! Rrrowr! And to sweeten the deal, you have proved us wrong! Your keen insight has enabled you to step back and see the issue here is terminology! We haveta define our terms here people, like this intelligent lass sez. Cuz dorks is dopes and for real "safety first" buttock-clenching uptightness you needs geeks! Damn, what an hot, sexy, insightful mind you have, if I may be so bold. I could be proved wrong by you all day, miss bliss. Why is the rest of the world so dull and cruel? Let us away, my darling, and hie ourselves to a spring-swept field: a jug of wine, a loaf of bread, and thou beside me in the wilderness, proving me wrong.... Your beauty is only matched by the beauty of your conclusion, that bike helmet wearers are... morons? That's not right. It should be geeks. The woman I love would never screw up something so obvious. How could I have been so blind!? Ewww, get off me! You were just using me, trying to get the glory of proving us wrong. Well, you can have it. I hope you choke on it, you, you, you... trollop! Now go! Just... go! And... (sniff) never darken my Prove Us Wrongs again. I have something in my eye!
Date: Friday, July 27, 2001 5:32 AM
From: LunarDrgon@(deleted)
Subj: bike helmets 2
Typo at the bottom, I didn't mean morons :p I meant Geeks :p I was too
caught up in complimenting the all mighty VGG gods };D
~neisha
To Rebut:
I'm too distraught over my lost potential love to read this email, so I'm just going to skip it and go on to the next one. Sniff!
Date: Saturday, July 28, 2001 8:58 AM
From: outtacontext@(deleted)
Subj: helmuts...
Boy you guys sure messed up this time... this one is *so* easy to prove
wrong. It's simple see... um, well... it's like this...
Damn. You're right... helmets do make anyone look like a dork.
Can I have a cookie?
Ivy
To Rebut:
Oh all right, you may have ONE cookie. Now as to your lame, paltry argument... Wait. You agree with us! In that case, hell, take the whole box!
Subj: bicycle helmet
Date: Monday, July 30, 2001 7:47 PM
From: Chleosm@(deleted)
I agree. No matter how hot and sexy you are...when wearing a bicycle helmet,
you look like a dork.
chleo
To Rebut:
Thank you! And a have a lovely day- treat yourself to a cookie, courtesy of The Van Gogh-Goghs.
Subj: Prove Us Wrong
Date: Sunday, August 5, 2001 1:30 PM
From: cmsm18grn@(deleted)
Resolved: Wearing a bicycle helmet makes anyone
wearing it look dorkier.
OK. This may be so. But NOT wearing a bicycle helmet
makes anyone NOT wearing it look DEADER. Now I ask,
which would you rather be?
If you don't believe me, visit the Little Miami Bike
Trail just north of Loveland, Ohio. Note that there
are no road or railroad crossings or anything else
apparently dangerous at the following location. There
is an unofficial trailside memorial for a young man
who apparently must not have been wearing his helmet.
Where once there was a living, breathing specimin of
humanity, there is now a cross, white rocks, flowers
and a picture of the (apparently) deceased. How very
dorky of him.
To Rebut:
Oh, fer crap's sake, I never said better dead than dork, ya know. If I believed that, I'd have suicided shortly after birth. Helmets are a dorkessary evil. I even support mandatory motorcycle helmet laws, because not having them ain't fair to the poor schmucks who would have to hose their brainsmear off the highway.
Besides, everybody knows that dead people are cool and you only get less and less dorky after you die. Example: Elvis, Aug. 15th, 1977 - sweaty, fat assed, drug addled, embarrassing pathetic shell of his former self. Elvis, Aug. 16th, 1977 - the legendary shining king of Rock 'n' Roll. I rest my case.
Anyway, you agree with me, so why am I even arguing with you!? Go have a cookie and stop rubbing dead people in my face. It's bad enough he's dead without you using his grave in a moral high ground land grab.
Okay, I was proved wrong by the woman who said it should be geeky, not dorky. The woman who used me. The woman who... well, I hope it was a woman, anyway. On another note, I would like to introduce the term "dor-kay" to describe dorks so dorky they're cool. Like me. Poor little me. After my torrid non-affair, only one thing can ease my broken heart and soothe my dor-kay soul. Chocolate, in cookie form. So I'm off to drown my sorrows at the big cookie place at the mall. See you crumbsnatchers later at the next...
Prove Us Wrong!
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