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Van Gogh-Goghs to Adopt Bob Hope
BEVERLY HILLS (www.bobhope.com), May 10, 2001— The Van Gogh-Goghs sketch comedy group, which recently announced that they were common-law married, announced today that they had "too much love to give" and, as a result, planned to adopt noted comedian Bob Hope.
"Of course, we'll have to change his name from Bob Hope to Bob
Benson-Black-Childs-Rempel-Terrell-Torchinsky," said group member Alan
Benson-Black-Childs-Rempel-Terrell-Torchinsky.
This adoption attempt comes on the heels of the Los Angeles Superior Court's decision last month that the L.A.-based sextet was "unfit to be parents."
Following this ruling, members of the group told several media outlets
that they had "another plan up our collective sleeve." It was widely
assumed that the vicious egging of the Chief Justice's house early this
month was the extent of the plan, but VGG members voiciferously denied
participation in any ovum-related misbehavior.
"If the courts won't let us adopt a child orphan, we'll just adopt an adult orphan!" said group member Jason Benson-Black-Childs-Rempel-Terrell-Torchinsky. "Let's see the lousy justice system stop us now!"
Security at Hope's home has been doubled and the police alerted that
the Van Gogh-Goghs may attempt to forcibly adopt him. Los Angeles
police chief Bernard Parks has mobilized the LAPD's Special Weapons And
Anti-Adoption Team (SWAAAT) and stated "... anyone caught forcibly
adopting someone will be shot for their own safety and protection."
When asked to comment, Hope said, "This is Bob 'what the hell am I
doing being adopted' Hope. These guys are dumber than a Bush family
reunion! I hope I don't die after Milton Berlen... he'll have told St.
Peter they're all HIS jokes! I went in the hospital for a pacemaker and
the doctor accidentally installed his pager! Now when I get heart
palpitations, I have to page my ribcage! Nurse, hand me another file
card."
Hope's comments continued for thirty more minutes.
The Van Gogh-Goghs remain undaunted when faced with the facts that Bob
Hope is 97 years old and married.
"If his wife gives us any guff, we'll just adopt her too," said group
member Galen Benson-Black-Childs-Rempel-Terrell-Torchinsky. "Besides, I
already bought the most adorable little sailor hat for Bobby! I can
hardly wait to style his hair in beautiful flowing ringlets. He'll be
the envy of every kid on the block!"
However, not all members of this family are happy with the decision to
adopt.
"Kids! Bah, humbug!" said group member Charles Rempel, who has elected
to keep his own name. "Consarned crumb snatchers. Who needs 'em!"
Sources close to Rempel expect his gruff but loveable exterior to melt
away to reveal a heart of gold when faced with the charming antics of
a capering short-pantsed orphan. Sources were uncertain whether Rempel
would burst into song.
Group member T. Mike Benson-Black-Childs-Rempel-Terrell-Torchinsky
expressed general support for the adoption, but questioned the
necessity of some of the group's preparations.
"Please, no more estrogen injections!" he yelled. "Hope doesn't need a
wet nurse!"
"Do you want to lactate or not?!" asked fellow group member Rob
Benson-Black-Childs-Rempel-Terrell-Torchinsky.
T. Mike Benson-Black-Childs-Rempel-Terrell-Torchinsky paused for
thought, then assented.
"Alright then!" said Rob Benson-Black-Childs-Rempel-Terrell-Torchinsky,
preparing the rusty syringe the group uses to administer their many
intravenous injections.
The Van Gogh-Goghs further announced their intention to adopt additional adult orphans.
"Our dream is to adopt Freddie Prinze, Jr., Vladimir Putin, and the
brother and sister orphans, Warren Beatty and Shirley McLaine," said
Rob Benson-Black-Childs-Rempel-Terrell-Torchinsky. "We won't stop until
we have enough for our football team."
"Kids! Fiddlesticks!" said Rempel.
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