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Van Gogh-Goghs Unveil New Comedy Technology
LOS ANGELES (Scripps-Howard Johnson's News Service) Mar. 12, 1999 --
Proving beyond any doubt that they are Southern California's lead comedy technology innovators, Los Angeles-based sketch comedy group the Van Gogh-Goghs unveiled what is believed to be the world's first prosthetic comedic enhancement device.
The device, known as a CEU, for 'Comedy Enhancement Unit' was demonstrated today to the entertainment and technology media by the dumpster behind the Van Gogh-Gogh's world headquarters. The 220-pound, gas-powered device was worn and demonstrated by member Jason Torchinsky, head of the Van Gogh-Gogh's research and technology division.
Torchinsky began the demonstration by pointing out key features of the CEU: the computerized reference library and relational generator, designed to find funny references and link them in new, unexpected ways; the main transmitter helmet, which broadcasts the comedic information directly into the user's brain via either electrical pulses or a standard headphone-style jack (minor surgery required); and the 2-cylinder, air-cooled 400cc motor that provides the unit's considerable power needs.
After being helped into the apparatus by fellow members Alan Benson and Charles Rempel, Torchinsky was fed a straight line by member T.Mike Childs, giving the signal to Torchinsky to pull the starter cord on the unit.
Over the din of the unmuffled exhaust, the crowd could hear Torchinsky's breath quicken as the electrical pulses to his brain grew stronger, transmitting more powerful comedy than, theorists claim, has ever been transmitted before. Torchinsky then said "Two octagons walk into a 754 rabbi monkey monkey monkey fucking FF5588 tonsils bitches funny because equals true" before a loud crack was heard. The sound, accompanied by a brilliant flash of light, seemed to come from the sending helmet. Torchinsky, head now visibly smoldering, turned to the crowd, one of his eyelids fluttering uncontrollably, vomited violently and collapsed to the ground, pinned under the now burning CEU.
"We're very pleased with this first successful test of the CEU," said Rob Terrell, who was monitoring the unit's performance from his PowerBook. "I think we're really onto something here, something big."
"I couldn't agree more--I simply don't know how," added Galen Black, a respected Van Gogh-Gogh. "Imagine... with this device, now ANYONE has the potential to be funny- very, very funny. That was once the domain of a select few of us." Black then breathed onto his fingernails and rubbed them across his chest in an arching pattern.
"Can you believe it! That thing made even Jason hilarious!" said Rempel. "The way he puked all over himself- and what was going on with that eye! Too funny!"
"Yeah! And how about the way he was laying there, all on fire and shit! Man, you just can't write comedy that funny the old way," said Benson.
In light of the overwhelming success of the CEU, the Van Gogh-Goghs plan to market it under the trade name "SuperFunny-o-Pack 2000" for an introductory price of $799.99.
"Take it off of me," added a charred but excited Torchinsky, "Please, please help me."
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