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Van Gogh - Goghs to Distribute Malt Liquor to Area Poor

LOS ANGELES (International Van Gogh-Gogh Press Syndicate), Dec. 13, 1998 -- Local sketch comedy group the Van Gogh-Goghs announced today they plan to hand out free 40 oz. bottles of malt liquor to the poor and homeless on Christmas day. The six-man comedy group also plans to hand out other items such as cigarettes, pornography, and lawn darts to the truly needy.

"Charity begins at home," group goodwill ambassador Alan Benson said, "Or in our case, with crazy, go-go nutty sketch comedy!"

"Everyone knows you can't have fun without booze," exclaimed Charles Rempel, the group's little Mary Sunshine. "These people are the forgotten, the lost, the detritus of society. We owe them the best: Olde English, King Cobra, and Schlitz, you know, 'the Bull.'"

"We're not handing out food because the booze will have that much more kick on an empty stomach," he said. "I mean, we want these people to be completely wasted for at least a day or two. It means a lot to me to be able to get them drunk on Christmas."

"We hope this year will be better than last year when we handed out barbed wire and Chinese finger traps." said group member T. Mike Childs, the feel-good hit of the summer.

Childs added that, along with the high-quality booze, the group planned to distribute only the best pornography as well.

"We could have just bought cheap, off-the-rack pornographic magazines," he said. "But that wouldn't have shown how much we care. And somebody might have seen me. Instead I searched the Internet for only finest, hardest, Swedish girl-on-girl action, printed it and bound it myself. The best gifts are the ones you make yourself!"

Jason Torchinsky, the black sheep of the group, said he was chagrined after the statements by Rempel and Childs.

"I just went and bought the cheapest smokes I could find," he said. "I didn't think it mattered."

After an awkward pause, an unidentified Van Gogh-Gogh muttered "Looks like someone's got a lot of thinking to do" and thumped Torchinsky on the earlobe.

(Later in the day, Torchinsky was thumped on the earlobe again after it was discovered he had neglected to obtain matches to go with the cigarettes.)

Galen Black, the group's token sweetheart, said his participation had caused some confusion among Van Gogh-Gogh watchers.

"As a Christian, it's a common misconception that I'm doing these good works to get into heaven," he said. "Nothing could be farther from the truth. If you accept Jesus Christ as your savior, it doesn't matter how big a jerk you are — you still get into heaven! No, I'm doing this because the other guys made me."

"The look on their faces when we hand them a forty of O.E., a pack of Kools and a stack of Internet porn is all the reward we could ask for," said Rob Terrell, the group's pollyanna. He added that he was planning to hand out floppy discs of computer viruses at the same time.

"I just wish we had the resources to give these people all the guns they need. The street is a very dangerous place," he said.

Rempel said this year's donation project is just the first step of an expanded outreach program.

"Part of next year's holiday giving plan is to combine our prison outreach program with our distribution program," Rempel said. "We ask inmates to reach out and share with people even less fortunate than themselves — the homeless. They really open up. They donate any old zip guns, shanks or shivs they have lying around."

Added Benson "Christmas brings out the best in everyone."

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