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H-DOOP Splits!
Robbins supporters storm out of convention, form new party
LOS ANGELES, D.C. -- Following a bitterly fought and divisive primary
campaign, many Half-Dozen of the Other Party faithful viewed their
convention as a much-needed time out. Supporters hoped that three
days of speeches, rallies, and political grandstanding would finally
unite the fractured party behind a single standard-bearer.
Those high hopes were dashed less than an hour into the convention,
when Committee to Elect Tim Robbins chairman John Lockey was booed
off the stage during his address and John Ritter supporters were
forceably ejected from the meeting hall.
But that was just a prelude to the real battle. Things got really
nasty when Harrison Ford, a recent convert to the H-DOOP, was chosen
as the party's 2000 candidate. Angry Robbins supporters accused him
of "hijacking" the party, and the entire Harvey Korman contingent
walked out of the convention in protest.
"We made this party what it is today, and there's no damn way we're
going to stand aside and let it be hijacked by some glorified space
smuggler," a Robbins supporter in the crowd said, referring to Ford's
stint in the Hutt crime syndicate.
"Big talk from a guy supporting a lousy terrorist and wife-killer,"
an unidentified Ford backer replied.
After nearly an hour of tumult, shouted insults, and threats of
lawsuits, the Robbins and John Ritter contingents joined the Korman
supporters' walkout.
The following day, the three camps held an impromptu rally at a hotel
down the street from the main convention, then announced they were
forming a new party, the Same Old, Same Old Party.
"As far as all true Half-Dozen of the Other Party members care, the
old H-DOOP is dead," Ritter campaign chairwoman Sue Blocks told the
media. "We will carry on its fight, and uphold its beliefs, but we
will no longer have anything to do with this new "dirty" Half-Dozen
Party that has taken its place."
Political analysts had been predicting trouble for the patrician
party since earlier this year, when Ford joined the party and brought
a mass of new supporters unfamiliar with the H-DOOP's history and
platform into the fold.
For several years, Ford had been a member of the Lime Green Party, a
minor party that advocates increased archaological research into
locations mentioned in the Bible, the assasination of all South
American drug lords, and the elimination of speed limits along the
Kessel Run. Ford joined the H-DOOP after a squabble with Lime Green
Party founder Gene Morilla over the party's strong anti-replicant
stance.
The charismatic Ford, though popular with voters, was not an
immediate hit with longtime H-DOOP members. Many party leaders
publicly questioned Ford's commitment to the party and feared that
his past infidelities and accusations of murder might reflect poorly
on other H-DOOP candiates.
"The man simply has a lot of skeletons in his closet," a senior party
member told reporters shortly after Ford's supporters announced he
was joining the H-DOOP. "Now don't get me wrong. In America, you're
presumed innocent until proven guilty, and what's on top doesn't
matter, it's what lies beneath that counts, but I think that the fact
that he spent time as a fugitive will hurt the entire party."
In related news, the convention clash has apparently convinced two
H-DOOP candiates to leave the venerable H-DOOP. Dan Hedaya is said
to be considering a run for the movie Senate under the Artifical Law
Party banner, and cellar-dweller Nick Nolte may be leaving politics
altogether.
"Aw hell," Nolte reportedly said, before shambling off drunkenly.
Same Old, Same Old Party (SOSO):
This is the party that split away from the Half Dozen of the Other Party. This is the party of compassion and sympathy, the party of guys who have good hearts and mean well. They remember when men were men, cry thinking about it, and then hug to show they care. This is the party who are in the White House to give the less fortunate all the free government bubblegum they want. This is the party that wants to again focus on how we can make America great. The candidates are:
photo from the
Internet Movie Database
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Tim Robbins
Born Timothy
Francis Robbins on October 16, 1958, West Covina, California
Presidential Qualifications: Portrayed "the President" in "Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me."
Governance
Strength: Gained valuable campaign experience during his run for a U.S. Senate seat
in Pennsylvania ("Bob Roberts").
Weakness: Is an anti-government terrorist ("Arlington Road").
Leadership
Strength: His stint as president of Hudsucker Industries ("The Hudsucker Proxy") and as a top studio executive ("The Player") gave him insight into the workings of the corporate world, as did his experience co-founding and running Video Aces, a video production business ("Tapeheads").
Weakness: Turned down the Frisbee ("The Hudsucker Proxy"). Founded Video Aces because he got fired from his security guard job for misuse of company resources.
Military Experience
Strength: Trained as a top U.S. Navy fighter pilot ("Top Gun").
Weakness: His stint in Vietnam drove him nuts ("Jacob's Ladder").
Science and Healthcare
Strength: As Woody Blake, Robbins participated in a rescue mission to Mars ("Mission to Mars").
Invented the Hula Hoop ("The Hudsucker Proxy"). Dated Einstein's niece ("I.Q.").
Weakness: Advocated nuking the Moon ("Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me").
Crime and Justice
Strength: Led the expedition to awaken the gods and end the age of Ragnarok ("Erik the Viking").
Weakness: Shot his wife while taking hostages at a car
dealership ("Cadillac Man") and later was convicted of murdering his wife ("The Shawshank Redemption"). Kiss that female vote goodbye.
Personal
Weakness: Appeared in "Howard the Duck," which may be a felony.
photo from
Carla's Fan Page for John Ritter
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John Ritter
Born Jonathan Ritter on September 17, 1948, Burbank, California
Presidential Qualifications: Served as President Chet Roosevelt in "Americathon"
Governance
Strength: As U.S. President Chet Roosevelt, led the country out of debt by raising money on a telethon (Americathon). Also has experience working as a Senator's aide (Hearts Afire)
Weakness:The telethon only reached its goal by airing someone being shot on live television. A Senator's aide may be too "inside the beltway" for some voters.
Crime and Justice
Strength: Chief of Police of town terrorized by two psychopathic toys (Bride of Chucky)
Weakness: Befelled by doll. This may be seen as pathetic by some voters who consider dolls to be "harmless".
Military Experience
Strength: Served country in Vietnam and fought to raise public awareness of the effects of Agent Orange. (Unnatural Causes) Served country for a single episode tour of duty in Korea (M*A*S*H TV series)
Weakness Military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy may apply to the Commander in Chief and as openly gay store owner Vaughan Cunningham in "Sling Blade" the "tell" part is already done. While in recovering in a Mobile Army Surgical Hospital during Korean War, threatened Major Frank "Ferretface" Burns in attempt to avoid going back to fight the Red Menace. Coward.
Personal
Strength:
Weakness: Lied about his sexuality in order to live with two single women. (Three's Company)
Family Values
Strength: Single working parent (Problem Child 1 and 2) and father of two (Stay Tuned).
Weakness: Many people think motherless children are what is wrong with the country and if he cannot control his "problem child", how can he control a "problem congress". In other incarnation as father he ignores family and instead watches television (Stay Tuned). Oh, and he's a womanizing drinker who cheats on his wife (Skin Deep). Oh, and he is also a wife beating alcoholic (Unforgivable).
Religion and Spirituality
Strength: Saves wife from Satan. (Stay Tuned)
Weakness: Is Satan. (Wholly Moses)
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