 |
|
|
|
|
The Six Of One Party (SOOP)
|
THE VOTES:
| James Garner | 4076 - for President |
| Bob Newhart | 3822 - for Vice President |
| Jack Nicholson | 3277 |
| Gary Sinese | 1839 |
| Charlton Heston | 1463 |
| Michael Douglas | 1400 |
| Gene Hackman | 1235 |
THE ANALYSIS:
In the Six of One Party, or as it has come to be known, the Sexagenarians of One Party, due to the high geezer quotient, Gary Sinise's youth and exuberance gave him an initial commanding lead. But the old adage about old age proved true and it was indeed old age and cunning that won the day. Outmanuevered politically, Sinise quickly took a back seat to a three way battle between Bob Newhart, James Garner and Jack Nicholson.
What happened? On paper, the party seemed to have three shining stars, Douglas, Nicholson and Heston. How did it get bogged down in a three way race between one of them and a character actor and a comedian? Let's take a look at the losers:
Son of a ragman's son Michael Douglas just could not get the vote out despite his star power and boffo box office draw, possibly because he's a complete bastard like his father before him, Kirk Douglas. But for God's sake don't tell him I said that.
Gun-nutty buddy Charlton Heston may have scared voters away by constantly rattling the six shot saber in his holster. Also, when unemployment is down and the market up, people care more about domestic issues, which Heston is weak on, than an ape takeover, Heston's traditional area of strength.
Nicholson may be a God among mere actors, but it was a dark deity of a decidedly different domain that sprang to mind when Jumpin' Jack flashed his devilish grin. The women swooned, grasping the Nicholson lever as they fell, but there was no sympathy for him from male voters who gave a decidedly cold shoulder in hell to this dauphin of darkness.
With the big three spinning their wheels, it looked set for a fifth wheel to take over. Darkest of the dark horses Bob Newhart broke away from the pack and blindsided Sinise, grabbing the lead midrace, and holding onto it between amusing one-sided phone calls at his campaign HQ. His mild manner, almost superhuman in its Clark Kentness, may have been just the lesser of the seven evils the public was looking for.
Things looked set for a Newhart/Nicholson ticket, possibly the most schizophrenic ticket in the history of politics in movies. But the great silent majority finally spoke up with the voice of reason commanding "jump!" And when Nicholson asked "How high?" they said "Pow! Right to the moon, Alice!" Nicholson would have brought danger to the ticket; a little too much danger, methinks. No one wanted his debauched, drunken, devil-may-care finger anywhere near the nuclear button. His being Satan probably worked against him in the Midwest as well, where Satan is not as popular as he is on the coasts.
And what of forgotten barrel scraper Gene Hackman? Right out of the gate, Gene Hackman seemed to shoot himself in the foot with the starter's pistol with his controversial anti-Superman stance. The big red cape was to Hackman like a big red cape to a bull, causing him to lose his reason and composure and gore a man in Reno, NV on the campaign trail. He lost support faster than his victim did blood and the obscure Jim Croce tune sang Hackman to the showers, "You don't tug on Superman's cape." Plus people got him mixed up with Richard Dreyfuss.
THE TICKET:
Garner's recent jaunt into space seems to have given him the "right stuff" edge his opponents lacked in the primaries. We'll see if it's enough to carry him to victory in November. How doth the winds blow? They whisper "he's due" - Garner seems poised to consolidate support, both from boomers who loved "Maverick" and their children who loved "Rockford, P.I." Barring any gaffes, such as starring in "Yet Still Even More Grumpier Old Men," things look bright for the man who could be elected our next Grampa-In-Chief.
Newhart is where he belongs, in the Vice Presidential slot. He never had the charisma or leadership to be the star of the ticket or a successful recent sitcom. He brings more nostalgia to the ticket, again hitting boomers and Gen X where they live: in front of the TV. Boomers may go ga-ga over "The Bob Newhart Show" while their kids get glassy eyed playing the "hi, Bob" drinking game over "Newhart" reruns. A supporting role suits Newhart to a "T," which rhymes with "V" and "P," which stands for vice president.
Look out, America. You can't deny Grandpa Garner and Uncle Bob.
The Six Of One Party (SOOP) is the more conservatively dressed of the parties (blue suits, ties). Its candidates are tough, begrizzled, heart-of-gold good guys who remember when men were men and weren't afraid to curse or fight when necessary (with the possible exception of Bob Newhart). These are the guys who are in the White House to kick ass and chew bubblegum and they're all out of bubblegum (again, the exception being Bob Newhart, who has plenty of gum). This is the party that wants to make America great again. The candidates were:
photo from the Internet Movie Database
|
Michael Douglas
Born Michael Kirk Douglas on September 25, 1944, New Brunswick, New Jersey
Presidential Qualifications: Portrayed U.S. President Andrew Shepherd in "The American President"
Family Values
Weakness: Had an adulterous affair with a woman who later tried to kill him [who he later killed.] (Fatal Attraction)
Weakness: Had a scanadalous affair with a woman who later tried to kill him (Basic Instinct)
Weakness: Had the man who had an adulterous affair with his woman try to kill her (A Perfect Murder)
Weakness: Went on a bezerk murderous rampage (Falling Down)
Crime and Justice
Strength: Five years as a San Francisco Police Inspector, homicide division. (
The Streets of San Francisco)
Weakness: As a judge, joined a secret group that hired hit men to kill criminals who escape conviction on technicalities. (The Star Chamber)
Personal
Strength: Dashing, adventurous soldier of fortune (Romancing the Stone, Jewel of the Nile)
Weakness: Greedy, sleazy junk bond trader (Wall Street)
photo from the Internet Movie Database
|
Jack Nicholson
Born John Joseph "Jack" Nicholson on 22 April 1937, Neptune, New Jersey
Presidential Qualifications: Portrayed U.S. President Dale in "Mars Attacks!"
Military Experience
Strength: As a U.S. Army Colonel, he was in charge of the Guatanemo Bay marine base. (A Few Good Men)
Weakness: Ordered and covered up murder on that same base.
Leadership
Strength: Leader and president of the AFL-CIO, the most powerful American union (Hoffa).
Weakness: Have you seen Jimmy Hoffa lately?
Crime and Punishment
Strength: Successful private investigator to the rich and powerful (Chinatown, The Two Jakes).
Weakness: Tried to kill Batman and take over Gotham City (Batman)
Personal
Strength: Popular novelist (As Good As It Gets) and playwright (Reds)
Weakness: Long history of mental illness (One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, The Shining, Batman)
Weakness: Is the Devil (The Witches of Eastwick).
photo from Ashland University
|
Charlton Heston
Born John Charlton Carter on October 4, 1924 Evanston, Illinois
Presidential Qualifications: Played President Andrew Jackson in "The President's Lady"
Governance
Strength: One of the most popular kings in English History, Henry VIII (Crossed Swords)
Weakness: Americans tend to shy away from electing kings.
Crime and Justice
Strength: Fought the war on drugs as a Mexican narcotics agent Ramon Miguel 'Mike' Vargas (Touch of Evil)
Weakness: Not fooling any real Hispanics and won't get their vote, but is fooling white voters and won't get their vote.
Military Experience
Strength: As Col. George Taylor, has extensive experience dealing with race of highly civilized primates. (Planet of the Apes)
Weakness: Experience with race of highly civilized primates usually consists of yelling, "Get your hands off of me you damn dirty ape."
Strength:
As a New York City cop, he broke the "Soylent Green is made of people" scandal wide open. (Soylent Green)
Weakness:
Negative connotations with Soylent Green scandal might result in a major case of "don't vote for the messenger."
Family Values
Strength: He was the leader of the wealthy and powerful Colby family (The Colbys and Dynasty)
Weakness: As Henry VIII, (Crossed Swords) was married 6 times. Two marriages ended in divorce, two in beheadings.
Religion and Spirtuality
Strength: As Moses, he lead the Jews out of slavery and gave his people the law of God (The Ten Commandments. He also played John the Baptist, cousin of Jesus (The Greatest Story Ever Told). That means he's probably 4th in line to inheirit the throne of God if anything should happen to God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost.
Weakness: Has trouble obeying the instructions of God which usually results in 40 years of no progress. As John the Baptist he may alienate Methodist voters.
photo from the Internet Movie Database
|
Gene Hackman
Born: Eugene Alden "Gene" Hackman on January 30 1930, San Bernadino, California
Presidential Qualifications: Portrayed the President in "Absolute Power"
Leadership
Strength: Served stints as a high school basketball coach (Hoosiers) and a replacement NFL coach (The Replacements)
Weakness: Homophobic senator (The Birdcage) and evil gunslinging mayor (Quick and the Dead)
Military Experience
Strength: rank of Brigadier General in human army (Geronimo); rank of General in insect army (Antz)
Weakness: Trigger happy submarine captain. Nuclear trigger, people. (Crimson Tide)
Crime and Punishment:
Weakness: Rode with Bonnie and Clyde (Bonnie & Clyde)
Weakness: Tried to kill Superman (Superman I, II & IV)
Personal
Strength: Overcame life as a blind hermit to reach out to troubled monster (Young Frankenstein)
Strength: Fought government corruption by his own rules (Enemy of the State)
Weakness: Fanatical, law-breaking doctor (Extreme Measures)
Weakness: Possible communist leanings (Reds).
photo from www.movieclub.com
|
Gary Sinise
Born 17 March 1955, Blue Island, Illinois
Presidential Qualifications: Portrayed President Truman in "Truman"
Military Experience
Strength: Served as a Lieutenant in Vietnam War (Forrest Gump)
Strength: Was an astronaut twice (Apollo 13 and Mission to Mars)
Governance
Weakness: As governor, prevented black students from entering the University of Alabama (George Wallace)
Weakness: Organized the assassination of the Secretary of Defense (Snake Eyes)
Crime and Punishment
Strength: Served as the public defender for a death row prisoner (The Green Mile)
Weakness: Aforementioned assassination; tried to rob a casino (Reindeer Games)
Personal
Strength: Friend of John Malkovich (Being John Malkovich)
Weakness: Appeared in Jack the Bear
|
|
|
|
