 |
|
|
|
|
The Half Dozen of the Other Party (H-DOOP)
|
THE VOTES:
| Harrison Ford | 8905 - for President |
| Morgan Freeman | 418 - for Vice President |
| Tim Robbins | 6705 - for President (SOSO Party) |
| John Ritter | 700 - for Vice President (SOSO Party) |
| Harvey Korman | 381 |
| Dan Hedaya | 251 |
| Nick Nolte | 191 |
THE ANALYSIS:
The Half Dozen of the Other party had problems from day one- from an unexpected quarter - John Ritter! He butted heads with Harrison Ford and Tim Robbins and was winning. But three's a crowd, decided the Ford/Robbins organizations and held off on attacking each other to gang up on poor Ritter, who was buried beneath an avalanche of broken dreams and backroom deals. Ritter now put in his place, the two egos then went head to head, toe to toe and tooth for a tooth.
But the galaxy was not big enough for two stars of this magnitude, and the party was rendered torn asunder in twain, cleaved into two half pieces bisected in half. I believe it was Gregory Peck as Abraham Lincoln who said "A house divided against itself cannot stand each other." And so it was as the Half Dozen of the Other Party collapsed into two, smaller houses. Almost lost in the fray were minor playas and weak sisters Hedaya, Korman, Freeman, and Nolte. For details of the mess that Ford and Robbins built, click here.
After the disaster, Indiana Jones proved himself Ford tough, nabbing desirable Freeman as veep. Robbins took his Ritter and went home. Early vote grabber Ritter graciously reconciled with Robbins and threw in his lot, stock and barrel with the brand new Same Old, Same Old Party. Likewise funnyman Korman, who desperately needs the food and shelter.
THE TICKET:
Ford has star power to burn, baby, burn! He's going to make everyone forget about that "other" president Ford. As long as his handlers keep him out of situations requiring a lot of range or depth, it's smooth sailing all the way to the White House set. Freeman complements Ford nicely, especially in the race department, what with you know, him being African Amercian and all.
Robbins also has a lot of star power. But he's quirky where Ford is mainstream, and his willingness to play bad guys may hurt him in the battle for middle America. He also enjoys occasionally making movies that make you think, another no-no for Joe Sixpack and Michael J. Everyday. But Ritter is a fireball, ready for second chances in a land where there are no second chances, only comebacks. Ritter may provide the spark for the fuse to light a fire under the ass of the Robbins/Ritter campaign rocket. Will R 'n' R in 2000 mean rock 'n' roll? Relax 'n' retire? Redemption and rebirth? Time will out, time will out.
This is the more liberally attired (polo shirts, sweaters) party. This is the party of compassionate, sympathetic, heart-of-gold good guys who remember when men were men and weren't afraid to hug or cry when necessary. (with the possible exception of Nick Nolte). These are the folks who are in the White House to help the less fortunate and chew bubblegum, and can do both at the same time. This is the party that wants greatness to once again be America's focus.
The H-DOOP suffered a schism at its convention, the party splitting between newcomer Harrison Ford and party stalwart Tim Robbins, who left to form his own Same Old, Same Old (SOSO) party. But in its happier days, the candidates were:
photo from the Internet Movie Database
|
Dan Hedaya
Born Daniel Hedaya on July 24, 1940 Brooklyn, New York
Presidential Qualifications: Portrayed Richard Nixon in "Dick."
Governance
Strength: Served as a chess tournament director ("Searching for Bobby Fischer") and ran his own hot dog stand ("The Prince of Central Park").
Weakness: Relied on the advice of two high school students during the Watergate scandal ("Dick").
Crime
and Justice
Strength: Intimately familiar with the legal system. Played police officers or detectives in "Shaft,"
"The Hurricane," "Freeway," "The Hunger," "Running Scared," "That Secret Sunday," "Tightrope," "Night of the Juggler," and an episode of "Fallen Angels." He also portrayed a military attorney in the film shown during "In & Out" and civil attornies in "Clueless" and "The Addams Family."
Weakness: Helped defraud his clients (and was cuckolded by a pile of hair) in "The Addams Family."
Military Experience
Strength: Served the military interests of his country in "The Garden of Redemption" and "Alien: Resurrection."
Weakness: As General Perez in "Alien: Resurrection," he oversaw the cloning of Ellen Ripley and the rebirth of the titular alien. His actions led to the decimation of two spacecraft's crews and the catastrophic crash of the larger ship into the Earth.
Personal
Strength: Appeared in "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension."
Weakness: Appeared in "A Night at the Roxbury," which is a felony in nine states.
Family Values
Strength: As Nick Tortelli on "Cheers," he helped create an exceptionally large family.
Weakness: Later left his wife, family, and hit show for a blonde floozie, life in Vegas, and a failed spinoff ("The Tortellis").
Other Issues
Strength: Has near-hypnotic control over short Italian women ("Cheers"). Could help cement a strong female following.
Weakness: The president he portrayed was Nixon. 'Nuff said.
photo from the
Internet Movie Database
|
Tim Robbins
Born Timothy
Francis Robbins on October 16, 1958, West Covina, California
Presidential Qualifications: Portrayed "the President" in "Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me."
Governance
Strength: Gained valuable campaign experience during his run for a U.S. Senate seat
in Pennsylvania ("Bob Roberts").
Weakness: Is an anti-government terrorist ("Arlington Road").
Leadership
Strength: His stint as president of Hudsucker Industries ("The Hudsucker Proxy") and as a top studio executive ("The Player") gave him insight into the workings of the corporate world, as did his experience co-founding and running Video Aces, a video production business ("Tapeheads").
Weakness: Turned down the Frisbee ("The Hudsucker Proxy"). Founded Video Aces because he got fired from his security guard job for misuse of company resources.
Military Experience
Strength: Trained as a top U.S. Navy fighter pilot ("Top Gun").
Weakness: His stint in Vietnam drove him nuts ("Jacob's Ladder").
Science and Healthcare
Strength: As Woody Blake, Robbins participated in a rescue mission to Mars ("Mission to Mars").
Invented the Hula Hoop ("The Hudsucker Proxy"). Dated Einstein's niece ("I.Q.").
Weakness: Advocated nuking the Moon ("Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me").
Crime and Justice
Strength: Led the expedition to awaken the gods and end the age of Ragnarok ("Erik the Viking").
Weakness: Shot his wife while taking hostages at a car
dealership ("Cadillac Man") and later was convicted of murdering his wife ("The Shawshank Redemption"). Kiss that female vote goodbye.
Personal
Weakness: Appeared in "Howard the Duck," which may be a felony.
photo from the Internet Movie Database
|
Nick Nolte
Born Nicholas King Nolte February 8, 1940, Omaha, Nebraska
Presidential Qualifications: Portrayed President Thomas Jefferson in "Jefferson in Paris."
Military Experience
Strength: Fought in World War II, rank of Colonel (The Thin Red Line)
Leadership
Strength: Served as a U.S. Senator (Trixie)
Weakness: College basketball coach willing to break rules to win (Blue Chips)
Personal
Strength: Former NFL player (North Dallas Forty); turned life around after life on the streets (Down and Out in Beverly Hills)
Weakness: Transvestite car salesman (Breakfast of Champions); gave furlough to convicted felon Reggie Hammonds (48 Hours)
photo from
Carla's Fan Page for John Ritter
|
John Ritter
Born Jonathan Ritter on September 17, 1948, Burbank, California
Presidential Qualifications: Served as President Chet Roosevelt in "Americathon"
Governance
Strength: As U.S. President Chet Roosevelt, led the country out of debt by raising money on a telethon (Americathon). Also has experience working as a Senator's aide (Hearts Afire)
Weakness:The telethon only reached its goal by airing someone being shot on live television. A Senator's aide may be too "inside the beltway" for some voters.
Crime and Justice
Strength: Chief of Police of town terrorized by two psychopathic toys (Bride of Chucky)
Weakness: Befelled by doll. This may be seen as pathetic by some voters who consider dolls to be "harmless".
Military Experience
Strength: Served country in Vietnam and fought to raise public awareness of the effects of Agent Orange. (Unnatural Causes) Served country for a single episode tour of duty in Korea (M*A*S*H TV series)
Weakness Military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy may apply to the Commander in Chief and as openly gay store owner Vaughan Cunningham in "Sling Blade" the "tell" part is already done. While in recovering in a Mobile Army Surgical Hospital during Korean War, threatened Major Frank "Ferretface" Burns in attempt to avoid going back to fight the Red Menace. Coward.
Personal
Strength:
Weakness: Lied about his sexuality in order to live with two single women. (Three's Company)
Family Values
Strength: Single working parent (Problem Child 1 and 2) and father of two (Stay Tuned).
Weakness: Many people think motherless children are what is wrong with the country and if he cannot control his "problem child", how can he control a "problem congress". In other incarnation as father he ignores family and instead watches television (Stay Tuned). Oh, and he's a womanizing drinker who cheats on his wife (Skin Deep). Oh, and he is also a wife beating alcoholic (Unforgivable).
Religion and Spirituality
Strength: Saves wife from Satan. (Stay Tuned)
Weakness: Is Satan. (Wholly Moses)
photo from www.thedigitalbits.com
|
Harvey Korman
Born Harvey
Herschel Korman on February 15, 1927, Chicago, Illinois
Presidential Qualifications: Portrayed "the President" in "Jingle all the Way."
Governance
Strength: A long history of public service, including a stint in the military as Colonel Slaghoople ("The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas"), U.N. Ambassador Spender ("First Family"), and Compte de Monet, a leading member of the French aristocracy ("History of the World: Part I").
Weakness: His work in state government leaves much to be desired. As Hedley Lamarr, assistant to Governor Lepetomaine ("Blazing Saddles"), he
attempted to engineer a massive land grab; had links to the Klan, Mexican banditos, and cattle rustlers; and sparked a riot on the Warner Brothers movie lot.
Science and Healthcare
Strength: As Dr. Charles Montague, Korman served as the assistant director of a
prestigious mental institution ("High Anxiety"). Has an extensive knowledge of such alien life forms as The Great Gazoo ("The Flintstones") and the Amorphian Being, Chef Gormaanda, and Krelman ("The Star Wars Holiday Special").
Weakness: Will likely want to restore financing to SETI.
Other Issues
Weakness: Unable to keep a straight face in the presence of Tim Conway, (Carol Burnett Show) which opens the possibility that the Russians may develop devastating Conway giggle weapon.
|
|
|
|
