For the purposes of this piece, the Van Gogh-Goghs love only one thing more than politics: movies! When we realized we could combine them, well, we did. We decided to hold our own election to determine America's next cinecratic president, that is, what actor should play the coveted role of president of these great United States for the next four years?! And you, oh netizens, oh great voting public, have spoken!
In a heated and closely contested election, Alan Alda has narrowly beaten Harrison Ford to become the next movie president of the United States of America. The race went down to the wire as each candidate surged forward and fell back in a dizzying pas de deux for two. Without a doubt, this was the closest movie president election ever sponsored by the Van Gogh-Goghs. The two candidates fought long and hard, and now movie president-elect Alda faces a movie victory without a movie mandate from the great moviegoing public. The American people ask: Can this movie work?
Alda has a lot of work ahead of him to convince moviegoers that his movie will be worth watching. And more importantly, that it is worth watching for the full price of $8.00, instead of waiting until it hits the discount theaters. He must focus group and test market his way back into the hearts of the American viewers. He must work to bring people of all demographics together to watch his movie and recommend it to their friends. He must convince doubting critics, ponytailed Hollywood phonies and slack-jawed, mouth-breathing doofuses alike. He must have a high-grossing opening weekend. No, don't envy Alan Alda.
The final results, with 100% of the vote in and all precincts reporting, am:
(click on the individual party for further analysis)
There was also one write in vote for Dabney Coleman (no party affiliation).
And now we'd like to present a look back on Duhcision 2000. A campaign scrapbook, if you will:
The MASH primary race: In the closely contested MASH Party vice-president race, a jubilant Mike Farrell triumphantly holds up a newspaper's early projection that he believes is in error. Tragically, the newspaper was correct and Loretta Swit narrowly defeated Farrell for M*A*S*H veep. Farrell spent the remainder of the evening weeping in the men's room.
Early in the race, still seething over what he viewed as the "hijacking" of the H-DOOP by Ford supporters, Robbins launches a series of scathing negative attack ads on Ford. The tactic backfires into a black eye for the Robbins campaign as he alienates what little support he has, turning his promising campaign into a dead duck treading water like mad just to stay dead.
As Carter once chose Mondale and later Bush, Quayle, so did all the movie presidential candidates take out heavy, heavy assassination insurance. Each hard hitting celebrity heavyweight went to bat below the belt in picking their veep. Robbins chose Ritter, best known for his work on a 25-year old sex farce. Alda chose B star and falling Loretta Swit, whose own lack of movie roles makes Alda look like Michael Caine. Garner chose Newhart, who last show fizzled out with a whimper in the early 90's. Finally, Ford chose Freeman, knowing that Movie America is so racist no one would dare assassinate Ford if it meant a black president.
The American people demand experience! So, each candidate must have already played the U.S. president in one movie (or TV movie) before.
Actors who are currently deceased were inelgible for election. For example, Jim Backus [Thurston Howell, III], played the president in the 1982 movie "Slapstick of Another Kind," but alas, died in 1989.
Actors not born in the USA were not eligible for consideration, as under the terms of our constitution, they cannot be elected president. Thus we had to eliminate such appealing candidates as Brit Anthony Hopkins ("Nixon"). We don't care if the actor/actress was playing an American or not, they're still a dirty filthy foreigner and not to be trusted.
As per the 22nd Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, no one may serve more than two terms as president. In other words, the candidate cannot have already played two different U.S. Presidents in two different movies. This meant such popular candidates as Kevin Kline and Richard Belzer were unable to run because they had already played the president in two or more movies. (Kline in Dave & Wild, Wild West; Belzer in The Groove Tube & Species II)
Actors under the age of 35 were also eliminated, again for constitutional reasons. Um, this rule didn't really ever come up.