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Homemade Gifts

by Charles Rempel

I'm bad at giving gifts. I guess it comes down to the lack of quality presents in the shopping world. I have recently embraced the theory that the best gift you can give is one you make yourself. Here is a sample of my work so far.

Homemade Shampoo I was invited to a housewarming party by a Ms. Antonia Fabregas. Seeing as how she is a fan of beauty products, I decided to make her a bottle of shampoo. I emptied a two-liter bottle of Fresca, tore off the label and drew flowers on the bottle. Then, I added two bottles of antibacterial hand soap and a handful of salt (for scalp exfoliation). After that, I needed a scent that screamed feminine power and beauty, which is why I added a shot of Jack Daniels and a two-finger scoop of Vick's Vap-o-Rub. To finish, I added a dollop of Karo syrup (for volumizing) and filled the rest of the bottle with warm tap water. After a half-hour of shaking, I knew it was ready to be received as the perfect gift.

Bag of Urine My friend, let's call him "Poopykins," has a bit of a drug problem. Since he worries about a drug test at work, I figured the best birthday gift I could give him was a bag of drug-free urine. Here's a handy tip: be sure to write on the baggie BEFORE you fill it with urine. Boy, did I learn that one the hard way!

There is a couple across the street who has been the victim of several burglaries in the past two months. When they invited me to their Fourth of July cookout, I knew the best gifts I could give them would be surveillance photos of their home. I know they will appreciate them.

Alan is about to hold his annual Thanksgiving party (only eight months late this year... congrats Al!) and I want to give him a gift that I know he will love, so I wrote a new ending for the book he's currently reading. This took a lot of preparation. First, I entered his apartment by smooth-talking his landlord; I told him I was Alan's younger brother visiting him from Duluth and asked if I could borrow a tire iron, which I used to smash open his porch window. Then, I went to Alan's nightstand and took the novel he was reading (Hollywood Wives by Jackie Collins). I took it back to my place and ripped out the final two chapters. Then, after crudely skimming the text for character names, I wrote a new ending to the book and stapled it into the back cover. Don't tell him about it, though... it's a surprise!

Davis and Jenna live two blocks down the street from me. I know they enjoy playing games (we have one role-playing game where they act like people who get mad because I let my dog crap in their lawn), so for Christmas I'm giving them a 700-page notebook filled with diagrams on how I would act out certain clues in Charades.

I would like to give more examples of great homemade gifts, but I have to attend the birthday party of the long-time girlfriend of my pal Dirk. I sure she'll love these cupcakes filled with fertility drugs.

Cupcakes with Fertility Drugs

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