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The Bing Crosby Makeover

by Charles Rempel

Bing Crosby was the hottest singer in the United States (before the advent of the Frank Sinatra), but now most people only remember him as that old man in the "Road To" movies with that USO guy, or that old man with the pipe, or that old man in the sweater who sang "Drummer Boy" with David Bowie. Dude, that's not even in the Top 10 of his best holiday songs! And don't get me started on his everyday tunes-- he's still got mad flava, even in the Y2K+1! His problem is that his brand has slipped in the marketplace; that necessitates the Dead Celebrity Makeover.

First part of the makeover is to give Mr. Crosby a new vibe. I'm thinking hip-hop. Hip-hop celebrates its dead well. Even the absence of life cannot stop a true rap artist from putting out new album after album; Tupac has put out twenty albums since he hit the pavement (or as they say on the street, "the street"). So, let's give ol' Bingo a rap make-over. First, he needs a new name. Some possible candidates are Croz-B or Snoop Bingg or Ol' Dirty Bingstard, but I'm thinking something like this:

The Notorious B.I.N.G.

Gangsta crooner in the hizzouse! Straight mackin'! Another clever hip-hop saying to express glee and power and talent!

Road to Heaven Now it's time to flood the market with product galore! Album re-issues and demo tracks and remixes, oh my! First, we'll release the "last" studio album: Road to Heaven. This disk will contain remixes of his greatest hits (such as "White Christmas," "Mele Kalekemaka," and "Funky Cold Medina") and previously unreleased demos. Then, we'll release another album, featuring live versions of his previously unreleased demos, all digitally remixed. Finally, we'll release a special CD of recently discovered home-recorded versions of previously unreleased demos. And then we'll remix them. Following this plan of attack, we should have Notorious B.I.N.G. albums on the Billboard charts for the next decade or so!

At the same time, Bing's picture will be slapped on a million posters and lunchboxes and cereal boxes and such. I did toy with the idea of making "Bing Pong," a Crosby version of table tennis, but I figured that his face on paddles and ping pong balls did not really help his street cred. It's a pity, really.

Hope Daddy droppin' science! And if that's not enough, it's time for the secret weapon. Let's get a member of Bing's posse to release a dance track as a memorial. Our choice is Hope Daddy to make a remix of "Thanks for the Memories" over a Police-borrowed bass riff.

If the Crosby posse is anything like Puffy Combs and Friends, expect to hear the name of the Notorious B.I.N.G. for decades to come!

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