 |
 |
| What you have to do to be admitted: |
| Have someone pretend to be your secretary call ahead and state that you will be attending with a party of 6, and that you're really freaking important; or, if female, have a great rack |
Using your open palm, exert pressure on the door by the panel that reads "PUSH" |
| What happened on Saturday night, March 24: |
| 22-year old actress secured future movie of the week by placing tongue in the ear of a powerful 34-year old agent with the Irv Schecter Agency |
Women got in free |
| What you get when you order a Gibson: |
| A look of tired, bored disgust, then an expertly made, albeit uninspired gin Gibson with three cocktail onions on a translucent plastic cocktail spear |
a Gimlet |
| The chance that the phrase "Hello, I'm from LA" will get you laid: |
| 0% |
23% |
| The chance that the phrase "Hello, I'm from LA" will get you a blowjob in the bathroom: |
| 30% |
30% |
| The chance that the phrase "Hello, I'm from LA" will get you maced: |
| 75% |
50% |
| Most famous person spotted this week: |
| Jennifer Love Hewitt |
A guy who claims he was on an airplane seat next to Don Rickles; also, former Channel 2 weatherman Randy Jackson |
| Pick-up method most likely to work: |
| Flash a wad of $50s and jingle keys to a Porsche Boxster |
Flash a set of NASCAR season tickets and jingle an Altoids can full of pot |
| Pick-up method least likely to work: |
| Display an 8x10 glossy of Colonel Sanders while decanting a freshly-made smoothie down the front of your trousers |
Ride through the bar on a circa 1880s penny-farthing type bicycle, while wearing a monacle and shouting "dear me!" |
| What happens if you try to bolt without paying your tab: |
| You'll never work in this town again |
Two guys beat the crap out of you with barstools then back over you with a cheaply customized Chevy Cavalier |
| Proper minimum response when someone buys you a drink: |
| Fake smile and nod in their direction |
Furtive handjob under the table |
| Dress code advice given by the doorman: |
| "Well...do you at least have a jacket? A better jacket? |
"XYZ, buddy." |
