Same Song, Different Lyrics

by Charles Rempel

Happy December 12, 2000! Or, if you need an actual holiday for which to be happy, then may I wish you a Happy Our Lady of Guadalupe Day!

Well, as of the writing of this piece, we still don't have a President-Elect, and to be honest, that's not such a bad thing. However, if this happened in the Cold War of my youth, we be in even a bigger tizzy, because the Soviets would sweep down from the skies and demolish our freedom to bear arms.

At least that's what my Uncle George told me as I helped him polish his bomb shelter.

But the Berlin Wall has fallen, the Communist regime has toppled, and there is no threat of our becoming Soviet puppets. You see, the Russians have more important things to worry about right now, like fixing their national anthem.

Currently, the Russian anthem is the old Soviet Anthem. I don't know it, personally, but the Russkies they interviewed on the news said they didn't like it. Something about it's hard to hum. Then the reporter said that it made the Olympic athletes sad because they couldn't sing along, but that's a fairly weak argument for change.

However, the Russian government has decided to change their anthem. In fact, they decided to change back to the old Tsarist anthem, because it has a good beat and is easy to dance to. But, and this is a big but, they don't want the old lyrics, because blah blah blah they're not Tsars or something.

Personally, I don't care what their reasons for change are; I'm not a theorist, I'm a problem solver. So, here, in an act of glasnost or whatever the heck those commies call it now, I give the world my alternate lyrics for the "new" Russian Anthem.

"Tequila."

That's right, you knowwhat I'm talking about, "Tequila." Imagine this: some Russian wins an Olympic gold medal in Greco-Roman wrestling (I know it's far-fetched, but please just play along). The anthem starts playing, and in the middle, the music stops and the athlete says, in his or her deepest voice, "Tequila." Then the music continues to the end, where everyone in attendance jumps to their feet and screams, "Tequila!"

The big shoe dance is optional.

Doesn't that imagery bring a chill down your spine? It does to me. As a bonus, if the Russians do in fact follow my suggestion, then they should be weak enough for an invasion and overthrow by the U.S.! It would be wonderful!

Then I wouldn't have to polish that bomb shelter any more.