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With the current wave of patriotism hitting our country, many people are proudly displaying the American flag again. If you're going to display the Star Spangled Banner on your car, there are a few rules you might want to follow.
Flag Speed: An American flag attached to a car should never be seen going speeds less than 50mph city and 90mph highway. If traffic is jammed ride the shoulder in order to keep your speed up. If a light changes to red, ignore it. Remember, men and women have died for the flag. Traffic tickets be damned!
Flag Height: No other car flag should fly higher than the American flag. This includes but is not limited to the following types of flags: flags of foreign nations, flags of individual states, flags of a certain defeated confederacy of states, flags of sports teams, flags with pictures of cute bears holding hands. Remember, men and women of died for the American flag, how many cute bears died to keep the USA free? One.
Flag Acquisition: If you want an American flag for your car you can either buy one or steal one. The preferred way is to buy one. This is not only shows your patriotism it also stimulates the economy, by giving some street vender enough money to buy him and his friends a few beers for the night. Then the owner of the bar or some 7-11 store can buy more beer to sell. Then the brewery can pay the salaries of honest, hard working Joes. Then the Hard Working Joe can go out the next day and buy a flag for his car.
You can also steal a flag, but you shouldn't just walk up to a parked car and swipe it. That's down right unamerican, cowardly and cheap. If you can't afford the purchase of a flag, then you may take one from another car if and only if you and that car are travelling at the appropriate designated speed for said flag. (See rules for Flag Speed). If you can pull of the theft of a flag at 90mph, then you should be applauded. If you die trying to steal a flag while speeding down the freeway, then everyone should stop and laugh at your stupidity and cheapness. Remember, men and women died for the American flag but they did it nobly, not while trying to save 7 bucks.
Distress: When in need of roadside assistance the flag should be flown upside down to signal state troopers that you are in need of help. You can also use this as a signal for help if your car is being attacked by a tribe of other cars.
Flag Do's: It is okay to use the flag in the following ways: To help you get out of tickets, to attract a mate, to protect yourself against people who think you're a terrorist because of your accent and skin color.
Flag Don'ts: The flag should not be used in the following ways: as a substitute for your gas cap, as a wiping cloth for your oil dipstick, as a flag to mark the end of really long objects you are hauling and which are hanging off the back of your truck.
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