Spin City
starring
Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and God
by Galen Black
In the wake of the horrific tragedy of the World Trade Center attack, our nation's religious leaders
started the work of comforting, uniting and, in some cases, blaming the country. During a taping of an
episode of The 700 Club, Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson got a little scared that
fundamentalist Islam was getting more press than fundamentalist Christianity in all of the news
coverage, so the great Christian spin doctors set to work. Sounding like a bad stereotype
of a character from Francis Ford Coppala's 'The Godfather', Rev. Falwell suggested that God will
gladly offer the USA some 'protection' in exchange for certain considerations.
During the conversation between the two preachers, Falwell opined that the World Trade Center tragedy could be traced back to America "throwing God out successfully with the help of the Federal court system,
throwing God out of the public square, out of the schools."
"The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked," he said. "And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad."
"...the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists and the gays
and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative
lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way all of them who have tried
to secularize America, I point the finger in their face and
say 'you helped this happen.'"
"Well, I totally concur," agreed Robertson.
If this sounds a little too unbelievable, and if you don't just trust the credibility of
a humor website, then... then you're displaying a hell of a lot more insight than most Americans. What are you, some kind of Commie? But, if you want proof that this amazing conversation actually occurred, then check out
this article at Yahoo/ABC
What hasn't been reported is the private conversation the two clergymen had with their boss, God. We here at VGG.COM have received a transcript of this conversation:
INT. OFFICE - DAY
A speaker phone sits on top of a desk. Jerry Falwell and Pat
Robertson sit across from the desk. Jerry and Pat are very pleased
with themselves. The voice of God comes
from the speaker.
GOD
Pat, is Jerry there with you?
JERRY
I'm here, Boss.
GOD
Good. Let's get this over with. I've
got a lot going on up here.
PAT
I think you're gonna love what we've got
for you today, God.
JERRY
It's been a heck of a week here in the
USA, Sir.
PAT
There was a terrorist attack on the...
GOD
Yes, yes, yes! Thank you for the update,
Mr. Fox News Channel! It's so hard for
me to get decent news reports up here.
PAT
Oh, yeah.
JERRY
So last night, I had this idea.
PAT
WE had this idea.
JERRY
Right. This is a perfect time to do a
little image work for you.
PAT
You know. Get your name out there, get
people talking about you again.
JERRY
So, we've started a campaign to blame
this whole thing on you!
GOD
WHAT!
PAT
Not directly blame you. We still blame
the terrorist, but we just let people
know you might be more willing to stop
this type of thing if they were a little
more....sinless.
GOD
Guy's listen...
JERRY
Just think, all of those abortionists,
civil libertarians, homosexuals...
GOD
Not with the homosexuals again, Jerry.
JERRY
My point is, we just put a fear of God in
them.
PAT
Yeah, kick it old school.
JERRY
Real extreme. In your face, kind of
evangelizing.
GOD
No!
PAT
But...
GOD
This is a bad idea.
JERRY
God, you're making a big mistake!
PAT
Jerry, calm down!
JERRY
Oh, no! This is the big thing we've been
waiting for. This is Arma-friggin-
geddon.
GOD
Guys, It's not that I don't love you.
JERRY
What are you saying?
GOD
You're fired!
PAT
No, God! No! It was all Jerry's idea.
JERRY
Shut up, you!
GOD
Now, get out before I call security and
have them smite you.
PAT
But God, you called us. This is my
office...
GOD
Security!
PAT
We're leaving. Let's go, Jerry.
JERRY
You know, you need me more than I need
you. There are plenty other gods that
wouldn't mind me working for them.
PAT
Jerrrryyyyy!
GOD
Fine.
JERRY
FINE! Let's go Pat!
PAT
But...
Jerry pulls Pat up by the collar and drags him out of the
office.
GOD
Gabriel, call Ogilvy & Mather and have
them work up a new campaign, pronto.
I'm going back down to receiving.
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