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P. Diddy cheers Aaliyah's career move
Prepares first of 19 posthumous releases
LOS ANGELES (United Van Gogh-Gogh Press International) -- Noted necro-producer Sean "P. Diddy" Combs today lauded up-and-coming R&B star Aaliyah's recent death and promised "big things" for the 22-year-old plane crash victim.
"I don't like to think of this tragedy as a death, but rather as a shrewd career move," Combs told reporters gathered outside his funeral home/recording studio. "She had a lot of talent. I predict this corpse is gonna be big -- Notorious B.I.G. post-shooting big!"
Combs, a mediocre rapper best known for his evisceration of that Police song and that Led Zeppelin song, is a specialist in post-death artist development. Under Combs' tutelage, the plus-size rapper Notorious B.I.G. has managed to release more albums after his death than during his aboveground time.
"Basically, Aaliyah was at a decision point in her career," Combs said. "She could either keep living, make one or two more albums, and then fade away via some UPN sitcom called 'Aaliyah N tha Family,' or some shit like that. Or she could come serve her dark P. Diddy lord and live forever."
"I think, when my first wave of Aaliyah rembrance discs hits stores, you'll realize she made the right choice," he added.
Aaliyah advanced her career to the P. Diddy level Saturday, August 25, when her twin-engine Cessna 402 crashed off Abaco Island, in the Bahamas. Firefighters arrived at the scene shortly after the crash, followed closely by the turkey buzzards Combs uses instead of A&R men.
"When you're dealing with a corpse, quicker is better," Combs explained. "It's vital to get all the possible recordings from them before the healing process begins. I mean, if a family member erases a phone message, that's one less double album I can release!"
Combs said his minions were already searching for material to pad out the first of a planned 19 posthumous releases he plans to release under the Aaliyah brand.
"My understanding is that, somewhere in a Detroit studio, there's a clip of her ordering Chinese food for the crew," he said. "I smell number-one hit!"
In related news, sources close to the Elton John camp report that the increasingly irrelevant '70s star has already begun work on an Aaliyah-themed version of "Candle in the Wind."
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